Oh God, I thought things were going so well with Plan A. It's been two weeks since I found out about my W's EA and PA and I thought she had stayed strong with the no-contact agreement, but I just found his phone number on the redial. She woke up last night at 3am and went online, and when she came back, said she was just talking to her best friend.<P>This morning, as she was leaving for work, I asked if I could borrow her cell phone since I would be meeting someone to sell some auto parts and he needed to call me on it. She flipped out and didn't want to give me the cell phone. Said she wanted to call me during her lunch break. I melted, of course, and let her hold on to the cell phone. <P>After she left is when I found his number on the redial. I broke down and started crying right then and there. I had mistrusted her last week and she begged me to begin trusting her again, in tears, so I did. I've given her space, and time online by herself, and now I feel like it is all happening again =***(<P>I called AOL and got her password changed and signed online and saw emails to a new email address, but from the text, I am pretty sure it is him. She hasn't stopped =(<P>I want SO badly not to go to Plan B =( I can't bring myself to make her leave! No one knows about this except the three of us (her, the OM and I) and how in the wolrd would I arrange for her to leave the house without all of her friends and family finding out? My intentions are not to punish her or ruin her by asking her to leave, on the contrary, I want to prevent that with all my might. Do we just tell everyone that we are having marital problems and need to separate? Too many questions will come. They are already coming as it is.<P>Oh God, what do I do! I'm sitting here, crying, shivering, and dreading when she calls at lunchtime. I don't know what to do!! Help me!!

I want so much to give you some great words of wisdom. ALl I can link of doing right now is this:<BR><<<<<<<<<<<Godlyman>>>>>>>>>>><P>Don't go to plan B right now, you must not do it while you are this emotional. Wait until you calm down to confront her with this new information, otherwise you will most certainly LB. Take deep breaths, stop snooping (you already know what you need to, anything else will hurt more). When she calls this afternoon, be very nice and polite, tell her you are busy and get off the phone before you explode.<P>Take time for yourself to compose what you want to say. Start writing your plan B letter so you will be prepared in the next few days/weeks if you choose to do it. You should confront her about it, do it when you are sure to do the least LBing. Simply explain matter-of-factly how upset you are and why.<P>Good luck. Keep us posted!

I am so sorry you are in so much pain right now! It may or may not make you feel better to know that most of us on here have gone through the same feelings you're experiencing right now.<P>If you're like me, you're wrestling between logical and emotional feelings right now... and that's not a nice place to be. <P>If you can, try to remember that what your W is in is an addiction. She is in the fog. She wants the best of both worlds. She thinks she can have it. YOU have the power to allow it or not. But you can only do so much too. <P>2 weeks since d-day isn't a very long time, and you have to learn to be patient with your W. Have you read up on love busters? That is something you must do... and avoid them as much as you can (easier said than done, that's for sure!).<P>The call from your W won't be for a few hours, right? You have some time to calm down. I know you can do it! Perhaps use this time to think of a way to word your thoughts in a non-judgemental way. And decide if it is something you want to bring up when she calls you, or wait until she gets home.<P>Keep posting. I'll keep on checking here and write back if you need that. Also keep in mind, that weekends are much slower on here than during the week... so do not be disappointed if you do not get too many replies just yet.<P>Take care,<BR>Karen

Thank you both SO much for responding so quickly. I knew weekends would indeed be slow and was PRAYING that there would be someone here to help me.<P>It would be a devestating sight to see me in the past hour... crying, praying, singing, I am really a mess. But I am finding strength. I want SO badly for our marriage to work. God, I have never loved anything like I love her. I do pity her in her weakness and fog right now, and I know 2 weeks is such a relatively short time. I, too, think it is too early to go to Plan B just yet. I've already saved several Plan B letters from members of this board, to help me write mine. But I am trying not think about it too much. Thinking about failure seems to be a sure way to gaurantee it.<P>When she calls, she is going to want to meet me for lunch. If I don't go, she will know something is wrong. I am going to need all the strength and encouragement to make this happen. I don't want her getting upset when she has to go back to work. But tonight is going to be very emotional and more difficult than I probably even imagine. You are so very right that I need to stop snooping. I have tried in the past two weeks to talk about our problems as much as I could, without asking too much about her relationship with the OM. The more I know, the more I hurt and the more I LB.<P>Thank you so much for the encouragement. God, give me the strength. I have at least 3 - 4 hours to try and take my mind off this =(

If she's going to ask you to meet her for lunch, and you don't think you can handle it, then don't go. Either make other plans NOW, or tell her the truth (carefully)... maybe just telling her you don't feel very good right now, and would rather stay in.<P>As far as your emotional reaction is going... consider yourself normal. I always considered doing that to be 'breaking down'... but I got a different perspective on it from a bereavement support group I have joined (it's for families who have lost a child.. at any age). They refer to it more as a release. They talk about how each tear of sorrow helps you to gradually release the pain. You are in grieving right now, for what once was. It's no different than experiencing a death... EXCEPT for the fact that the loved one is still around, and you can do something about it! What a wonderful opportunity that is!! True, the circumstances are dreadful, but what's done is done. You have to focus on moving forward.<P>I'm not sure if this has helped any... I'm just in the mood to type this morning! <P>Karen<BR>

You are definitely helping. Just having someone to talk to about this is helping me to find the strength to do what I know I have to do. I am going to still have lunch with her. I have time to pray and prepare, like you said, and I will be as sweet and as cheery as I usually am.<P>If I was ever unsure about us needing to go to counseling, though, I am positive now. My Medical Insurance provides confidential counseling for issues that affect employees, so I will talk to her about that, and get us some professional help. You guys are great, but it is time to turn to a professional.<P>Thanks again.

Just wanted to throw in here that it took my H 4 months to break up with OW. The feelings in an affair are intense and I think sometimes it takes awhile to let go. But if you keep working on being a great H, she will no longer have the need to talk to OM.<P>So try not to throw out all your good changes now, go and have a great time at lunch, picture you filling those needs that the OM cannot. She is asking you to lunh, not OM.<P>Lora

I am going to just keep doing what I've been doing for the past two weeks =). Flowers, chocolates, a clean house. Anything for my beloved. I want SO badly to be everything she wants, but the fact that she is STILL turning to him is making this even harder. He lives across the country, so she couldn't have lunch with him today, but if he were here, I don't doubt that she would prefer his company over mine. She confides in him far more than she confides in me. I need her so badly to start talking to me. To *really* start talking, I mean. About what she wants, what she feels like we are missing, and what the OM gave her that she felt she couldn't get from me. Right now all I get from her is "Well, we just grew apart."<BR>

GM--<P>I can't improve on the advise you have been given so far...I have been where you are...<P>look at caller id...check redial...listen to cell phone messages....get cold inside when I find what I know I will find....<P>For your own sanity and peace of mind you have to stop looking....as some wise person told me....focus on you and your changes...when you do that you will become stronger and be able to feel more in control....and that is all you can control...you.<P>I am glad you are seeking professional help....I also went on antidepressent which helped the 'crying at a drop of a hat.'<P>This is a loooonnnnggg process. It is hard for us, we just want our lives back, our spouses back, or marriages back...but the key word is 'back.' And we know we can't go back, but must move forward....<P>By focusing on you and changes you have to make, you will start the forward process...<P>My prayers are with you,<P>Cali

Had lunch, and it went pretty good. Even in my dreadful state of mind, she has a way of cheering me up and making me feel happy.<P>Got home, and the mail came in. Her cell phone bill is $365 from calls she made last month to him, before I knew about the affair. Feeling really, really weak right now =(<P>I've been rehearsing what I am going to say, though, as you guys first suggested. I am going to first ask her if she has spoken to him on the phone. Then tell her about how I found his number on the redial. I just need to see if she is going to be honest with me or no. I need complete honesty from her SO bad. How can she expect me to trust her even IF she were being completely honest? I am trying SO hard, and I want to be as sweet and understanding as I can be. <P>If you're the praying type, pray for me at 5pm today. I need it.

I hope you get this in time before she comes home... do NOT ask her a question that you already know the answer to!! It will only hurt you more!!<P>This is where a big part of the MB principles come in... carefully selecting your wording and questions in a non-judgemental way.<P>If you feel it necessary to address the issue today, then just tell her that you got the phone bill, and are concerned about the cost, and perhaps throw in, "who are all of these calls to and why?". Scratch that. Forget about that last question. You already know the answer to it, right?<P>I hope it all goes well for you! Stay strong! And try not to LB!! <P>Karen<BR>

GM,<P>If you can still keep to meeting her needs without damaging or losing your love for her, then do this. However, do it with respect to yourself and family. She needs to know that her actions blatant or secretive is not respectful to you or your family. <P>Respect at this point is greater and the need to meet SF needs. SF meets a need for the moment, respect is a continuing need. Have respect you can have access to all other needs (trust, SF, honesty, etc.). <P>My advice? Make respect (both ways) a requirement for living in your home.<P>L.<BR>

Godlyman:<P>I would let her know that you are aware that she's been calling him again. Try to renegotiate a no-contact separation. Discuss writing the no-contact letter. See if she would go with you on an "emergency" two-week vacation. Do all of this without demands, disrespectful judgements, or angry outbursts.<P>And you---start counseling with Steve Harley immediately. You're going to need a top notch coach to help you through this, and Steve is the best. 888-639-1639.

Well, we has the conversation. She seemed deeply sorrowful, but now that I think of it, she never did apologize. I decided not to even think about Plan B or even mention it and attempted to re-negotiate the no-contact agreement. She said she loves me and wants to reconcile, she is still adamant and sure about that. But when I asked her to sit with me and write the no-contact letter to him, she said "Well, then he'll just come down." I asked her "Doesn't he care at all about your marriage and your wishes?" She hesitated, and then said yes. I was hoping the hesitation was the beginning of doubt in her mind concerning how much he truly cares about her and if his advanced maybe aren't a little selfish. Maybe wishful thinking, though.<P>But she promised not to speak to him again, but we still haven't written the letter. We had a great day yesterday, spent time reading to each other and have a wonderful time, so I didn't want to ruin that. I will bring up the letter tonight, though.<P>I also brought up counseling. I said we need professional help. She said she knows that is true, but she doesn't want to. Right now she is just SO still in the fog and so confused, she is not sure of what she wants. That is the bottom line. I really wish I could get her to go to counseling with me =(<P>I changed her password on her AOL account and told her that I would give it back in a little while, but for now, the temptation was too great and that it would be best if she stayed away from there.<P>Orchid, what does SF stand for? I'm still new to these acronyms. We do need respect and honesty. That's what I told her. I said we need 100% honesty now, in order for this to work. If she feels weak and wants to call him, she needs to talk to *me* about that, and I will help her through. I would whisk her away on a 2 week vacation in a heartbeat, if I had the vacation time at work. Just to remove her from the situation.<P>*sigh* <BR>This is so hard =(<P>And now I have a few really busy days at work. It is going to be SO hard to concentrate.

GodlyMan:<P>All you're going through is par for the course. Don't expect her to apologize. Or do counseling. Or stop seeing the OM.<P>I would strongly urge YOU to start the phone counseling, this week. You're making some selfish demands and disrespectful judgements (changing passwords unilaterally, etc). Get Steve to give you a hand with executing a good Plan A.

If she doesn't stop seeing the OM, then how is this Plan A at all?<P>Maybe I will call Steve sometime this week. =( I need help SO bad. I know I am making bad decisions, and it's just because I am so upset and so confused and seems like there is no hope. The past two weeks, we have been making so much progress, but now it seems like I am back at square one, and I can't eat or concentrate at work.<P>Should I give her password back? She seems so sad and pitiful and I want so badly to give it back to her, but I just know she will email him again and that violation of the no-contact agreement seems to completely defy the effectiveness of Plan A!

Steve will be able to help you, I am sure of it. I hope you are able to make that call. Hang in there.<P>As far as the password thing....was it POJA'd to begin with? Or did you just do it and tell her? Steve would best advise you on this as well.

The password change was not part of our initial POJA =(<P>I made that decision in the midst of emotional distress because of her betrayal of our POJA and regret it now =(<P>But the question now is... do I go and change it back? She seems to be very happy today. She has called me several times at work and its only 9am! She is doing yard work, and going to go shopping later, to keep herself busy. I really think she has a slight internet addiction problem and has almost been looking for a way to escape. Even if this decision to stop her internet use was made poorly, it might be a positive thing since it is going to help set her free.

The password change was not part of our initial POJA =(<P>I made that decision in the midst of emotional distress because of her betrayal of our POJA and regret it now =(<P>But the question now is... do I go and change it back? She seems to be very happy today. She has called me several times at work and its only 9am! She is doing yard work, and going to go shopping later, to keep herself busy. I really think she has a slight internet addiction problem and has almost been looking for a way to escape. Even if this decision to stop her internet use was made poorly, it might be a positive thing since it is going to help set her free.

The password change was not part of our initial POJA =(<P>I made that decision in the midst of emotional distress because of her betrayal of our POJA and regret it now =(<P>But the question now is... do I go and change it back? She seems to be very happy today. She has called me several times at work and its only 9am! She is doing yard work, and going to go shopping later, to keep herself busy. I really think she has a slight internet addiction problem and has almost been looking for a way to escape. Even if this decision to stop her internet use was made poorly, it might be a positive thing since it is going to help set her free.