H and I are on the road to recovery. Tomorrow and Monday will be spent getting the rest of his things back home... for good.<P>Before he left for work this morning, he was using his laptop to download some things onto his palm pilot. He left it running. I didn't notice it on until a few hours after he had gone. I couldn't resist... and I snooped!<P>I was curious to read his icq message archives, and was at least happy to see that he hasn't been icqing to anyone since the end of May (when he first started staying here again). It still hurt to read the things that he wrote, even though it was during our really bad spell.<P>I also found a file, which to me is SICK, that he made a list of all the women he's slept with. I guess it's a good thing that the list was only at 22 (keep in mind, he's a SA), but I found out that during our separation, there was one more OP that he slept with. I am crushed. <P>Should I mention to him that I saw that? It would be a huge LB, that's for sure. Should I wait until after the rest of his things are back in the house? Or should I just let it go?<P>The contact is no longer going on, I'm pretty sure of that. And I don't really want to open up this fresh can of worms either. I already know that he regrets sleeping with OW#2 (the womens shelter mum).<P>Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks gang!<P>Karen<BR>

Karen,<BR>In that situation, my opinion is it's best to just let it go. It's over and done with, as you said there is no more contact, so bringing it up would probably hurt more than help. In my experience, you only snoop when you think you're going to find something and you get upset when you DO find something. Don't look for things you really don't want to know about. Besides, isn't snooping showing that there is still a lack of trust?

Of course there is still a level of lack of trust, and that will be around for a LONG time... on both our parts.<P>I guess the fact of the matter is that I know I screwed up by snooping. It is such an addictive behaviour! I want total honesty between H and I, and I'm sure that is where my level of thinking is coming from on whether or not to tell him what I saw.<P>I think another factor of my wanting to say something is my fear of him coming back for good. Once his stuff is out of his apt, come the end of this month, there is no place for him to go. Not that I want him to... but I hope it makes sense, the fact that I'm just plain scared about the road ahead. Too much to put into words right now.<P>Karen<BR>

<P>NOT the weakest link: isn't snooping showing that there is still a lack of trust?<P>Yes snooping does show that there is still a lack of trust. Until Topie's husband earns her trust back there will be none. Is there really any reason for her to trust him at this point? There is nothing wrong with her not trusting him.<P>As for the snooping. According to the MB concepts there is no privacy in marriage. She should be able to look at anything at anytime. And she should be able to discuss what she sees with him. However, since Topia is unsure if she should bring it up. It is a sign that they have not truely agreed to the radical honesty concept. <P>This is a hard one. I'm not sure how to advise you on this Topia. The idealistic approach would be to tell him with no love busters and he should then support you by helping you heal the pain. But is your relationship there yet?<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

There is absolutely no way to approach this without it being an LB. It isn't what I found out that would bother him so much as to HOW I found out. <P>Are we at a total honesty stage in our relationship yet? No. Not together. I believe I'm at a farther stage than he is, which is why I'm wrestling with this so much right now. We are going through many other things right now that are putting tension on our relationship.. and this would only add more. But can I live quietly with myself knowing what I know? Not a chance. It will resurface in some other form.<P>Part of me is thinking about just asking him if he slept with any other women, other than Kym and the shelter mum. But I recall getting some advice months ago.. NOT to ask a question that you already know the answer to. I have been doing quite well at that too.<P>I had also read on here another guideline to follow. To answer these 3 questions:<BR>1- is it necessary?<BR>2- is it kind?<BR>3- is it true?<BR>If you can answer yes to all three, then to go ahead and ask the question. For question #1... is it necessary? To me, yes, I think it is. I so desperately want to have total openness and honesty with my H.<P>He'll be home from work in about 4 hours. I have time to think about how and if I want to approach this matter tonight.<P>Thanks for the replies so far! They are muchly appreciated! <P>Karen<BR>

Let it go until you do implement the radical honesty policy. Then tell him. Sounds like this may be months down the road, but at least it will ease your guilt somewhat in that you know you WILL tell him once this policy is in place.

Have you read SAA? I think it might be a good idea to do so and implement its process as best you can. Like hbh says, there will come a time and place for it. (I think it's called "truthfulness of history" or something like that...)<P>Take care,<BR>-zen

Yes, I do have a copy of SAA (borrowed from the friend of mine who told me about this site actually..... gotta mail it back to her! ).<P>I will admit, I finished reading it a few months ago, and have only thought about re-reading it. Gotta get my butt in gear and read it again! <P>I absolutely adore the MB concepts. They make so much sense to me. Unfortunately, my H is not so optimistic about this site. I have tried to explain some of the concepts to him, but as I'm sure we all know, you don't really get them until you read, read, and read some more. He does however, understand that it is important for me to be on here, and supports me in doing so. Whether or not he actually visits here, I don't know. I should ask him... but tonight may not be a good time for that. He knows my alias (since my 2 email accounts use the same name), and this is a thread I don't want him to see... not yet anyways.<P>hbh: I really like that thought.. to tell H... but not right now. That would certainly ease my conscience, no doubt about that.<P>Karen<BR>

Update:<P>I did end up mentioning my discoveries to H tonight. My conscience was driving me nuts, and I told him how I had found his 'list'.<P>I stayed calm in my wording, and so did he. I made sure I thanked him for that too. He seems to be farther along the recovery road than I gave him credit for earlier. He actually said to me that talking things through is far more productive than letting it fester or blow.<P>He also gave me his laptop and email passwords when I asked for them. He claims that he would have done so sooner, but that he didn't think of it on his own. And had I asked him, he would have. (he obviously has forgotten that I did ask for them a few weeks ago... but perhaps not. After all, I asked for them when he knew he was still contacting OW#1.. and perhaps b/c I know about that now, that's helped change his attitude.).<P>H claimed that he never actually had 'intercourse' with OW#3, but admitted to sexual relations. I chose not to ask what those were. I don't want to know. I know too much about other things already.<P>The topic of no contact letters came up again (my doing). And he has agreed to write them with me either Sunday or Monday night. He doesn't feel it is necessary, in his words, "let sleeping dogs lie". But when I explained that doing them is important to ME in my healing, he agreed (and not reluctantly this time!).<P>So now my conscience is relieved! Thank goodness! I still can't sleep yet... but I'm sure that will happen soon.<P>Karen<BR>