HEY all i have a little question, On most days i am really good, i keep really busy and i do nto have time to really think about H's A. BUT then there aer those days that it seems something sets it into motion andi cannot stop. My friend Jo calls it a trigger. I try to find out what triggers the trigger and not do that again, My question is dothey STOP being SO DAMN hurtful. Is it going to fall to the recesses of my mind( the triggers) Or how do i deal with it and not let them have the powerthey seemto have right now<BR>Maine<P>------------------<BR>IN the words of BOB the BUILDER!!" WE can fix it, yes we can!!!"

Yes, the triggers (whatever they are) eventually bring about less pain.. at least that is in my case. Just today, I found out that my H slept with one more person during our separation. Yes, it hurt. But nowhere near as much as it would have had I found out one month ago. I calmed down rather quickly.. to my surprise! If anything, now I'm wondering why it doesn't hurt as much as the other discoveries? I may never know.<P>In my case, my trigger is snooping through H's computer and emails. I know it's something I need to stop... and I did quite well for a few weeks. But it's an addiction of my own, that I have to get rid of. It's hard. Damn hard in fact. I have asked H to help me by not leaving his laptop on, and things like that... but I have to face the fact that this is MY addiction, MY problem... not his. I have to own up to my self.<P>Sorry about that.. just went on a bit of a tangeant in your thread. But I'm feeling better.. thanks! <P>Karen<BR>

mm:<P>you've got to realize that you're the one with the power.<P>ok, I know that's zen-like, but listen up: Sounds like you already know what the correct behavior is and are doing it. Now you've just got to set this challenge for yourself:<P>How perfectly can I execute that behavior?<P>How bad can the situation be in which I will still maintain composure and control? If you truly commit yourself to this goal, you will let go of all anger, hurt, and other LB'ing behavior and realize them for what they are: counter-productive for him AND for you.<P>Don't forget Plan A is as much about you as it is about the WS.<P>Keep your faith; we're here for you, and some of us (like me) are right there in the same boat.<P>Take care,<BR>-zen

I had read somewhere that it is not what happens, but how we veiw what happens, that cause pain , anger or frustration. In other words if we look at a situation differently we will feel different about what happened. I realized that for me I believed I should hurt so I did once I stopped believing that all this had to be painful it got better.<P>