A question that may have been covered here numerous times, but I need some input:<P>My remorseful and truly good WH had at the root (you should pardon the expression) of his reason for wandering that he had felt a decrease in his libido. This sounds simplistic, and we both know that there is more to a ruptured marriage than that, but I take him at his word that he needed to know if it was our relationship that was dampening his desire. We are wokring on ourselves and each other. Some quick statistics:<P>He is 41. We have been married 20 years. Three children. He is a devoted father and has always been a fabulous husband. We shared years of mutually gratifying passion. He has always been more remote emotionally than I, but sincere and kind. An honorable man. And very sexy. He just does it for me. But I did tire of carrying the load of our relationship (in my eyes) and can see that over the last 2 years or so I stopped putting the same effort into our relationship as I did into other aspects of my life. We drifted. Cliche, but they become cliches for a reason.<P>Okay, affair. He stopped it in January without me knowing of it. In February we had a fabulous "honeymoon" (we had never been away together - EVER - from day one of our marriage, when his brother moved in with us. Then kids and mortgages....you know the drill.) But our getaway was fabulous. We really reconnected. At this point I knew nothing of he affair. Then, on May 11, I stumbled across an old receipt and confronted him. Yikes. Devastation. Once again, you know how that went. After much trauma, he started communicating with me as never before. Things are actually better than I can remember. But here's the deal: He realized that his libido was not "cured" by this 23-year-old bit of stuff. He felt guilty and ashamed and stopped it. We now have rip-roaring relations, virtually every night. But last night he shared with me that he still feels ashamed that he benefits from some, uh, manipulation in order to get going. I am happy and oblige him in this regard. And, like an '82 pick-up with dicey battery leads, once he gets a "boost" he his good to go for and extended ride <P>My fear is that, whether I think this is a problem or not, he views it as some sort of failing on his part. I don't want his insecurity to weigh him down. I know he will never betray me again. He has done everything right in order to repair our relationship and says that he will do whatever it takes for me to heal. (Let me tell you, all the sex is certainly a step in the right direction!)<P>For you gentlemen out there, is it normal of an otherwise healthy, hardworking (2 full-time jobs) man in his early 40's to not get regular....excitements...randomly throughout the day. I would love to be able to reassure him in a manner that will build him up and make him realize that the next 40 years will be thrilling.<p>[This message has been edited by MoreRoomInABrokenHeart (edited July 07, 2001).]

As an answer to your question, in short... yes. It is possible for a 41 year old man to have those problems. I am 27 and I have the same. Even worse, sometimes the erection goes away completely in the *middle* of sex. Think of how this makes my poor wife feel. I'm twenty seven, for crying out loud! The arousal and desire isn't gone, just the necessary equipment response. <P>Truth of the matter, that I am starting to face, is that Erectile Disfunction isn't rare. At all. The only travesty is that Viagra is so expensive. Have him try it, though. Viagra won't *give* him an arousal (in case you were wondering), it will only allow him to do so, with the presence of stimulation. Kisses and soft touches will get him going, instead of the kind of "jump start" you have been having to implement. <P>The biggest tragedy is that physical problems like this, that the person has no control over, can cause the kind of actions that your husband did. My wife had an affair, and I have a feeling that my problem has at least something to do with why.

GodlyMan,<P>Thanks so much for your candid response. The truth is that I don't mind, and rather enjoy, the whole "jump start" process. So, as far as I'm concerned, I am more than willing to invest the couple of minutes of giving him a hand, as it were, pay lip service, if you please... whatever double intendre suits... in order to enjoy the ensuing 45 minutes. <P>To me, a man who literally works 75 hours a week, with two nights a week of interupted sleep (he wears a beeper and has to respond to calls) AND tends to family and house matters AND is still able to make his wife go to sleep with a giant smile has no need to make excuses. And I assume that nature has a way of toning things down for guys. For heaven sake, I am sure he was having unwanted arousal problems when he was an adolescent. I would think being more in control would be a blessing! As the line on "Seinfeld" goes, 'I don't know how you guys walk around with those things...'<P>Thanks again for responding. I hope you are able to work through your situation with your wife. It is terribly difficult, isn't it?

MRinaBH:<P>Age is only one factor. Job and family stress, diet, exercise or lack thereof, health (even a minor cold or other "trivial" malady) can all affect sexual performance. Worrying about it can certainly impact it.<P>But it is normal after 40 to see a slight decline. That does not mean that sex within the relationship cannot get better. (It certainly can!) Romance certainly helps. See Gregory Godek's <I>1001 Ways to be Romantic</I> ... it is well worth the investment.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL