Can anyone offer any advise here (background is hubby doesn't love me anymore; 1st july post & another the same day re hubby doesn't love me anymore)Anyway I will try not to drag this out too long but we have been generally chatting & making small talk my trouble is I am scared of saying the wrong thing to him in case it sends him backwards, H is very much into horses as you will read in the other post, I used to ride but about 12 yrs ago I had a bad fall & did damage to my hip & lost my nerve big time I have put on a lot of weight with being so inactive & stuffing myself silly when i feel down. These last few yrs (H also stopped riding for a few years) H has got back into it but he is very against me being a part of it any more we have a horse trekking company so have a quite horses available; everyone that rides here calls in 4 coffee when they've been on a ride all talking horsey talk to each other & I just feel so left out with nothing to contribute to the conversation. I really need to get away from the house I am stuck indoors all day everyday my problem is because I had such a bad fall (1 week in hospital & 3 weeks on my back & this is not the reason why H doesn't want me to ride he has never mentioned any concerns for me in that way)I don't think it is wise to just go catch the horse & go out alone the first time (please read the other post so that you get some background on this) This morning I made a big blue by asking H if he would look for a horse for me (I decided that if I may only be here for 1 more yr I may as well do something that I've wanted to do again for ages but every time I have mentioned having a horse H gets very defensive about it & thats the end of that)This morning as I said I thought well I need to take care of my own wants & needs so I asked (we were still in bed at this time) Well I know it's winter here but I am sure that our bed froze over the minute I had opened my mouth the atmosphere was awful & I really just wish i had kept my mouth shut H said you know we never got on when you were riding before! WHAT! that was the time I thought that we were getting on great how could I have made that mistake????????? as a kid my dream was to have a pony now we have the land & the horses & I'm not allowed; anyway bottom line is H doesn't want me riding with him & our friends, I find this soooooooo hard to accept cause if anyone is passing through that is a friend of a friend etc etc they are always encouraged to go for a ride, there is no one else to ride with around here. I am happy to go off on my own & they can go & do their thing if that's what they want but I know that the first time I will be nervous & the horse will pick up on that & when you have had a fall like that you need all the encouragement you can get.I now think I have made matters worse & I am in charge of taking bookings for the horse treks. Let me know what you think maybe I am being stupid I don't know anymore I was just asking for help I guess that I thought that he would understand where I was coming from if he doesn't love me why is it such an issue. I often feel inferior because I don't know what to say or do i know from reading the Harleys site for days on end that they say that you must spend time together I don't know if we can do that as H is a very busy man & not one for going out to dinner or anything else; his horses are his life he did once say that if he ever had to choose between his horse & me the horse would be the winner! how was I to know that one day it would come true. Can anyone here explain the word manipulation to me because that is what this feels like to me yet H has always said that I have manipulated him for years & he isn't taking it anymore. My head is a mess 2day sometimes it feels like things r improving & other times I just think whats the use H is deffinately not a huggy sort of guy & I am finding it hard, I feel like I want to make him feel better but don't know how 2 go about it because I seem 2 b saying the wrong things............................<BR>Thanks anyway for letting me get this out I posted an earlier post 2 day that was b4 this happened....... Maybe I should have called myself ramblin rose!!! lol<BR>Cheers<BR>Cally

Original post is on page 8

Cally,<BR>First thing - I am going to post to you now - here is a million hugs for you. I love your heart and soul, here is the first post. And I will write you. love, aftershock

Cally,<P>My heart goes out to you.<P>I know how scary it can be when you get hurt physically from a fall (especially from a horse). I will be blunt here, and I will be tender.<P>If you love horses, and you want a horse, you should have a horse. Another person has no right to take away your happiness. Your H has no right to exclude you from any of this business, patrons, etc.<P>I urge you to begin a plan - right now - to lose some weight. Please go get a large water bottle (32 oz) fill it with water, and start drinking. Give yourself the will - that you want to go to the bathroom all the time (ha) that's what that water will do. Start taking vitamins, eating apples, and walking. We can talk the weight stuff later - but I am giving you a fuzzy - make yourself an affirmation that you will lose the weight. START NOW, WITH WATER (H2O, H2O, H2O). Find the weight watchers web site, and make yourself a goal. That is number one.<P>The next thing I would like to see happen to you is to WORK on your self-esteem. You are like me right now, you have low self-esteem.<P>Answer me if you have read some books, and which ones. I will recommend some other books based on what you tell me.<P>Please do not let another person (even if that person is your H), influence you, either what songs to like or dislike, or what recreation you are going to do.<P>Talk to me here - okay. I will put it bluntly for you - another person who influences such as this is being abusive. He is hurting your self-esteem, your soul, your heart. Make a pact right now with me (or others who will come to help) that WE will work together on this. Please.<P>I come on and off into MB - I will come back to check to see how you are doing, and what you are doing. Just tell me that you will start drinking some water, and eating healthy, you can take that weight off.<P>Lots of hugs, from me to you. I am glad you came to vent. It is welcomed. I will come back to talk to you.<BR>aftershock

Hi Cally<P>I remember you. Did you find out if your H is involved with someone else or do you still think he's being honest? I'm not saying he is or isn't but could it be he doesn't want you riding because it might expose you to friends that know of another woman?I'm really just guessing here. I don't know. Anyways I agree with aftershock about working on your self esteem, whether you loose weight or not.<P>Is there someone you could hire to take you riding until you feel comfortable going alone? Is it safe for you to go riding? Plan A is about working on yourself, becoming independant. Can you see yourself hopping on a horse now and then and taking off by yourself, or withYOUR friends<BR>for awhile?

AFTERSHOCK! thanks so much for your letter it means a lot 2 me to know that someone knows where I am coming from with this, I am usually a very happy outgoing bubbly person but seem to be letting things get on top of me at present don't get me wrong H is a great guy it's just that he seems to have a "thing" about this. I think it's because the couple of others he rides with have a similar attitude; that is their time they don't want their H or partner with them anyone else is OK. Trouble is we don't do anything together the others do because they have younger children, so I am scared that any effort we put into our marriage working won't work because we don't have any similar interests anymore we are drifting apart well H has drifted further than me because he doesn't love me maybe it's just a matter of time b4 the same thing happens to me! Regards the weight I am onto that at the moment yip drinkin heaps of water running to the loo every 5 mins have lost about 10lbs in 2 weeks maybe a little fast but when H said he didn't love me I couldn't eat for 3 days & lost 7lbs (now there is an up-side to this dilema eh) I have been on WW tons of times this is something I have to do for me tho & only me there is a long road ahead for us I can see that well maybe more of a roller coaster ride (& I hate roller coasters!!) Books nope I haven't read any yet but I will, I have spent a lot of time on the net reading this site tho H does come & look on here but hasn't posted so no one really knows how it is for him even me I guess.<BR>Well will go & drink some more water.....................<BR>CYA <BR>Cally

Hi Maezy good 2 hear from u again! as you will see by my other post I am working on the weight I think the feeling better self esteem will come with that.<BR>H has been reading all the posts no he is not having an A as you will see by my other posts they ride in a group i am not sure what the problem is with this he said to me this morning well if you want a horse then get one! half the money is yours, then why do you want a horse you could ride one of the trekking horses which I would be happy to but the one I would ride is lame at the moment our trekking guide was going to take me out but it has not happened yet & now I don't want to put her in the akward position between the 2 of us this is a new horse & hasn't been out on his own yet & hasn't been ridden for a couple of weeks H is a great horseman he breaks & trains his own horses & re trains problem horses I have always admired him for that, he has a way with horses you might say & I deffinately would never go & buy a horse without him trying it out first. I guess that he gets his enjoyment with the people he is with so why change? I find it hard as we run a B&B as well & when the guests see the horses the first thing they say is "do you ride?" so I just say no. Maybe that has made me want to do it more now I don't know I feel like I am missing out do I sound like a spoilt kid here or what! Anyway I think that with things as they are I will leave them to it, maybe find something else to occupy me (excuse spelling)

Cally<BR>How old is your H? Is mid-life crisis a possibility?

Well H is 48

Have you much knowledge of mid-life-crisis?<BR>I didn't really believe it existed before my WH began going through all this. Is there some real changes in him such as<BR>-need for novelty and affection?<BR>-fears about the future<BR>-negative evaluation of marriage<P>He fits into the age category.<BR>I believe my H was dispaying these before he became involved with OW. I wondered a little about it but basically ignored it. I would suggest you talk to him about it and make changes in your relationship before it comes to an A.It might be a good idea to do some reading about MLC as well.

Wow Cally,<P>Horse over wife? I use to fear that with my H (before his A - so my H replaced his love for horses with an A). As a youngster he worked at the local stable, he rode and trained horses. Even tried out for that movie the black stallion. Anyway, H does love horses. I am not a good rider (only rode once). It was an old horse and I am very petite and the horse was very big. You get the picture, I looked a bit lost on that horse and my legs barely reached around enough to be able to even tell the horse where I wanted to go. <P>As always, my stories just get funnier by the minute, so please bare with me. My only horse experience ended with the horse in the corral while he was cooling down. Like I said since I am so short, I was still trying to be in control so I kept gently prodding the horse (with my shoes) to move and walk around a bit. What I didn't know was that this horse needed to pee. The horse was not going anywhere until he was done. So you can imagine what it looked like from the top of the corral, me working so hard to get the horse to walk and him just standing there peeing. <P>Hope this little story put a smile on your face, it usually makes others laugh hysterically. I know I do. <P>Anyway, my H loves horses also. Men are known to love their horses sometimes better than their wives. So let your H love his horse. Let him sleep with the horse and let the horse take care of him. I know this is redicules but so is his actions. How do you fight an affair with a horse? Well the horse(s) appear to be meeting some of his needs, but never will the horse meet all of his needs. Your H needs to see that. Do you plan A or B? Hm.... tough one, you do know regardless of which plan you use, the horse will continue to react the same. That is one good thing, you know how the horse will react. <P>I am not trying to poke any fun here, just help you see that you have a situation that can recover, your H needs to see that his needs should be met by his wife, not anything or anyone else. Your H's case is not that unusual. Many work aholics, those with hobbies, alcoholics, gamblers,etc. have habits that take them and their needs away from their families. In a sense it is like an A. It allows them to fantasize time away from their families and have some of their needs met with other things.<P>Take the EN questionnaire and if you H is willing let him. Also take a look at the his needs/her needs book. If you can have a phone counseling session or 2 with Steve or Jennifer it would be beneficial. <P>You sound like you are in a beautiful place. Yet even with beautiful surroundings our lives can still be in turmoil. Please continue to post to us. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P><BR>

Cally,<BR>Great info - thanks.<P>1. First, even if you 'know' he did not have an affair - read Dr. Harley's Surviving an Affair. Then get and read His Needs, Her Needs. All of the information in those books are here on MB, but it is better (a warm fuzzy) to have these books. You can order them direct from Marriage Builders at a discount. You always need to know, that an affair can happen in your marriage - no matter what.<P>2. Needs - your marriage is not meeting either your needs, nor your H's needs - prime situation for A. The two books mentioned above will show you the way. You need to get back into your H's interests, and he in yours. Can you get him to buy into reading these books also - atleast His Needs, Her Needs (HNHN) first (even if you do not have him read Surviving (SAA)). You can put a brown paper bag book cover on the book, so that no one knows you are reading what you are reading. I do.<P>3. Another book for you to get is Breaking the Chain of Low Self-Esteem, by Marilyn J. Sorensen, Ph.D. I just spent 5 hours at Barnes and Nobles yesterday, looking at about 25 books - and this is one of them I bought. I have very low self-esteem. I was a very enthusiastic, happy go-lucky (born in Oklahoma) girl. I seem to be beaten down by every ego that comes along - and I have alot of them around and in my life. My living situation, brings them out 24/7. Wives live their Hs career. Right now - I have withdrawn - again. I have been so hurt - whenever anyone looks at me - I think they see everything bad that has happened to me, I think they know everything that has gone wrong. They are not friendly. I have no self-esteem. I do not fit in any of the cliques, and I have few friends. Yet, I know I will make it through this, because I am a special person. So I got Breaking the Chain ... to secure myself back to a normal human being.<P>4. So you see, you need to meet your H's recreational needs - it is all in the books. Get them, and get started.<P>5. I agree that hurt is not the best way to lose weight - but if that's how the ball got rolling, then use it, start walking for exercise to take the flab off, and you will start feeling better about yourself.<P>Thanks for writing back, I've been on for 4 hrs so I have got to go do something. Kick myself for staying on so long today.<P>Lots of hugs to you. You are special, aftershock

Hi Cally!<BR>My H. said a week ago he just likes me! He hasn't said for a year now he loves me. There has been an OW too. (my story posted here 4.7) I know he still has loving feelings there for me, it's not all gone. He just doesn't tell me, he got distracted by something else. And when the distraction is big enough they just get in their head there's no love left for their spouse.<BR>While I was overseas spending time with family and friends my H. started going on sailing lessons with his new female friend,(OW).He send me mail telling about it and describing how it went , but never told me about OW. I was actually pleased he had found a hobby he liked and because it had always been his dream, learning to sail.When i came back home with our two young children things were very bad.That was a month after his lessons started. I was never invited to go sailing with him and he went a lot. And after the races they would go for drinks, so those trips took a whole day. I wondered if those people got to know H. and OW as a couple, so no way would he have taken his W. there. H. denied OW going that often there because she's a solomum.<BR>I just simply couldn't do anything about it. If I had told him not to go he would have been away even more. I was a mess and the small amount of energy I had went looking after our two young children. I had two horses on the paddock and hardly went riding. My H. kept doing his work on the farm and only occasionally I went to help shift the cattle with a horse. I loved it before, but naturally having babies made it more difficult.<BR>Cally, just focus on yourself, look after yourself, you are important. Let your H. do his thing what ever it is he's aiming at.If you try to put breaks on he'll probably resist.It' s not right at all how he treats you. I know what you mean with rollercoaster ride. I don't like it either, but I went along for a year, and looks like the fog is lifting now.I got a lot of rubbish about things like "we don't have anything in common..'It was very hurtful, but now he has said they were awful things he didn't mean. <BR>If you want to start riding again, go for it. Looks like your H. is trying to control you.Who are the people he mainly goes riding with? Are they locals, married men, women, tourists? <BR>Keep on drinking that water and think about starting the exercising. Horse riding is exercise too! I started walking half marathons, just planning to finish one first, but went for a couple more after that.They are fun and suprisingly it's not only some rake thin people who do it. People with any shape, size or age seemed to be there.<BR>By the way my H. is a kiwi too! <BR>Keep posting, take care.<BR>BIF<P>

Hey you guys & gals r great! thankyou so much for caring about us the internet makes it a very small world doesn't it! Hopefully you have all managed to read my first post & have a bit of a back ground on this whole mess now. I guess the hardest part was living in the shadow of this A all these yrs always running into OW at the shop (we have a very tiny dairy/tearooms population 250 here) & having to always be on my guard. Now her brother has bought the local pub & she often serves on the bar which stays open till 5am some mornings. I have been living on a knifes edge all these yrs we only have the one pub it's hard for me asking her for a drink I know she is laughing at me as she can probably see that when we are at the pub together we arrive in seperate vehicles & H always stays till closing time I leave early as I feel so uncomfortable in that environment so I guess that you could say that I feel that everything has been taken away from me now. Last week H & our trekking guide who is also femail (not a problem with her as she's the kind of person who wouldn't take s--t from anyone) were the last to leave the pub & it wasn't till the following week when I went down 4 a drink (H was at home) that another woman that runs the bar as well just popped into the conversation while i was talking to her in front of others that H the guide & OW were the only ones drinking from about 2.30 till 4.30am as OW was on the bar but was with them, I managed to hold onto enough dignity to stay for another 20 mins but I just had to leave the situation as I was shocked H said he has no feelings for her whatsoever (but he doesn't have any for me either although I didn't know this at that time I guess we are on an even keel now then)I kept it to myself for a whole week until the following Friday night when I asked him when he came in at 3.30am why he never told me that he loved me anymore (I had been trying to ask him for ages but his attitude when i asked to talk was I'm sick of this & waled away,then he dropped the bombshell & said it was because he couldn't lie to me, he didn't love me so then I bought up what I had been told at the pub & he just laughed it off (he was drunk tho) H does not undrestand why these past 2 yrs especially, i have been feeling so vunerable & maybe I have been too clingy but it is because of the events now & in the past that I am like this. I am a naturally jealous person anyway (well used to be I think I have had a lot of growing up to do) he said to me a while back that when we first married he thought that if anything was ever going 2 split us up it would b my jealous nature) But I feel that it is something that I do because I need the reassurance & also looking back over my letters do I have the justification to become a bit peeved about things. The friends that he rides with are females for those that asked he seems to get on better with women. We have a horse trekking company here as well as a B&B & dairy farm I am afraid that I haven't helped matters by originally being uncomfortable that he was sharing his time with a femail friend, she is my friend too but H has helped her a lot with her riding (she doesn't want her H riding with them either & has told him this)so they just ride in a group now, this has probably made me the way I am & probably even worse that they have said that this is how they feel because the OW was also originally a family friend & used to come for coffee & H used to help her on her farm. I can understand that because H works so hard all the time he needs to let go & have a bit of a night out when he feels like it but because of the smallness of this place there is very little to do other than the horses & the pub. We also have a small community gym here (no instructor) which I am secretary of so better get back down there to help with the weight loss, I know it will make me feel better & I know it's an outlet but I also consider it a chore so to me it is not a hobby.<BR>Well this is almost becoming a novel. Loved the horse story Orchid unfortunately I had to leave for the loo halfway thru you made me laugh keep it up anyone else I forgot to reply to thanks a bunch for all your help it helps that I can write here & not keep it all bottled up inside. I promise no more LB but hey is lettinh H read these site LBing?????????????<BR>Cheers<BR>Cally glug glug glug

Cally,<P>Good to hear from you. Glad you are able to laugh. Laughter is good medicine for the soul..... <P>Hey I have a lot more stories. Posted a lot out hear earlier this year. Had another one about OW's H and the laundry bag. Let me know, I'll share that one later. I have learned to take life's lemons and make lemonade. That has saved my santity and a few other lives !<P>Anyway, how about putting a little squeeze of fresh lemon in that water? Or another time put a bit of apple cider vinegar? Just a few drops and keep it in the fridge. <P>L.<P><BR>

((((((((((((HUGS!))))))))))))) to u all<BR>Cally