I have been reading the posts trying to play catch up from being away for a week, and iI am seeing is I DESERVE trust from most of the OP in this forum. WHY do you think you do?? I underwstand that you are adults, but YOU fooled around and now you think just because you told your spouse about it, that suddenly the TRUST fairy should bestow upon you the golden trust cloak or something??<BR> Trust is HARD to re establish, it has its own time and frankly is the backbone for a lot of marriages. Even when you have the trust sort of back< the BS still has those moments of WHAT ARE THEY DOING THEY ARE NOT WHERE THEY SHOULD BE. Do you active OP think it is fun to go from total trust in a person to being almost nuerotic about what your spouse is doing hourly?? IT IS NOT. BUT YOU ARE THE ONES WHO BROKE THE TRUST< so deal with it. <BR> So what if you have an call phone and want to be able to call whomever, HOW DARE you be angry because your SPOUSE says not to call the OP. If you want to fix your marriage that should be a NO BRAINER. <BR> SO what if your SPOUSE wants to go with you to drop off something to the place where the OP is, with you. HOW dare you get mad becase your spouse wants to support you and keep you from contact with the OP.<BR> I guess those who have the biggest problem with the trust issue are not truly committed to making it work with your spouse, or there would be no ISSUE. MY H after telling me about his A, right then and there, gave me email passwords, voice mail passwords, set up the program on the puter that would tell me if there was contact with the OW,( which there has not been since i EMAILED HER) He told his famiily what he had done. AND is always WHERE he is supposed to be at the moment, because I NEED THAT security in him. Yes we set up BOUNDRIES, and he was glad to do that to show he can be trusted again. He does not feel mothered, he feels as do i that we are working it out and that this is neccessary to do that. Do i have full trust in him, NO not yet, but i will again, and as for the time of that, that will be dictated by my and his actions.<BR>Now this is mostly towards those in here that are still currently in contact with the OP, not those of you who have gone to fix the marriage and are faithful to your spouse now okay. <BR>Maine<P>------------------<BR>IN the words of BOB the BUILDER!!" WE can fix it, yes we can!!!"

Maine - how are the skeeters up there?<P>I'm sure some former WSs can shed some light on your question. I'll bet the answer includes a certain element of alien influence or MBWs (moose brain worms). Based on what I've read from former WSs who are REALLY FORMER, they fully understand this issue. I can imagine the frustration building up over a while for them when their efforts aren't fully successful. I certainly am not defending the OP's decision, just trying to see both sides during the early stages of recovery. I hope I get there.<P>It does take two to recover.<P>WAT

Maine,<P>I believe that once the WS is fully commited to saving the marriage, they get it. The WS I can think of on this forum who get it are STL, [H], and your husband. And perhaps Phantom is in this group too. (Other WS who get it, please forgive me if you did not come to the top of my mind on this one.)<P>Trust must be earned back, it is not just a given.<P>I read the post in Recovery that got you going on this one:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/003678.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/003678.html</A> <P><BR>Z <P>pst: You mixed up the WS's and OP's in your post. <P><BR>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare<p>[This message has been edited by zorweb (edited July 08, 2001).]

maine - it is so nice to see that some marriages are going to work out. Yes the WS seem to need trust by their BS, but they are not going to get it until they show respect, love, care, and thoughtfulness to their BS. Keep the good work going and I wish you two a wonderful life and marriage together that you both are working on.

Wat as usual your points are a scream and right on target! And the skeeters aer as big as bats LOL<P>Z you are right i meant for the WS and the OP in this forum. A few of the ones are from posts by both. So i stand corrected!! Thanks for pointing it out Zor!!!<P>Thinker your H is one of the ones that i think is out there on the trust issue. For such a smart man, he really hs no idea about trust and how your actions speak louder than words. I am not slamming him, i just do not understand how he can do what he does,and still expect you to trust him, or better yet think it is OK to BE an ADULT and do what ever he wants, while expecting you to SUCK IT UP.<BR>Maine<BR><P>------------------<BR>IN the words of BOB the BUILDER!!" WE can fix it, yes we can!!!"

Maine:<P>Welcome back.<P>Trust is, indeed, the bedrock upon which marriages are built. When that foundation is shattered, it takes wholesale commitment by the WS to repair the damage.<P>There is no other percentage other than 100-percent in implementing the rules of honesty, care, protection and time. Total dedication to meeting emotional needs is also required. Anything less jeopardizes the ability of the marriage to heal from the WS's transgressions.<P>The OP? They are best remembered in the context of the Snake in the Garden. A reminder that despite our ideals, we are capable of human folly. Beyond that, Who?<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

<B><BR>Trust is, indeed, the bedrock upon which marriages are built. </B><P>I would like to jump into this discussion, if I may. Altho I am BS and WS is still with OW, I have focused a lot lately on the issue of TRUST. The reason? Because my H is a VERY trustworthy person!! Or, should I say WAS?!?! In any event, I think the biggest LBer between the two of them is going to be that SHE can't TRUST HIM....not the way *I* trusted him. She KNOWS he would cheat on her!! I never believed he would. I never questioned his being friendly with a female cashier, or talking nice or helping some sweet young thing at work,or whatever, bec that's just his nature. I thought it was sweet, and kind on him (and it was, it was nothing more than that). OW was an old G/F, NOT someone he "picked up" along the way to our M problems...SHE pursued HIM. She KNOWS he could be enticed away (now) bec she knows SHE did it!!! This lack of trust on her part, and also on HIS part (since he knows she WOULD pursue someone she wanted) is surely going to drive a wedge between them eventually. That is my dream....so see it happen.<BR><B>When that foundation is shattered, it takes wholesale commitment by the WS to repair the damage.<BR></B>[/QUOTE]<BR>The foundation of a M commitment, and years and years of blindly trusting each other will NEVER be there. It doesn't matter what he will try to do to put it there for her, she knows he cheated!! She KNOWS he could do it again if he becomes "unhappy" - WHATEVER he told her THAT meant. This will never get the chance to be built between them. And therein will lie the "rub." IMNSHO<P>And I can't wait.........<BR>Lupo

Good Thread, Maine. <P>Trust trust trust ...<P>Well my H expected it back after first A. He resented agreeing to no-contact and me asking for full discolure to everything. But he did do it as far as I know). Then after a while I "gave" trust to him, I did not question what he was doing and seeing. I stopped all snooping and suspiscion (didn't want to live my life like that). Unbeknownst to me, he was returning back to his old ways, hidding things, doing things one should not do in a marriage. Just recently found these things out. It hurt to say the least.<P>I guess we never had a fully trustworth marriage, I guess my H never really was completely a trust worthy or honorable man. But to be fair to him, I would say that he did the best he knew how to do, he just didn't and most likely will never have it in him. Perhaps he is a man that should never had been married. <P>~Jo

Ditto STL <P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie