My H's cell phone bill looks clear and so does his email but I haven't seen his Visa bill come in the mail. I know he was charging a Goldline account (had set up a phone card account) to his Visa. He says he's not using it anymore but I'm just so suspicious of his contact with the OW. The last time I asked about contact with the OW, H said it set us back 15 steps??? But contact sets recovery back so I'm confused as to what to do. His last contact (that I know of ) was April 20th and d-day for me was April 2nd. His withdrawal has been so difficult. However, when he seems a little happier and more open, I suspect he's talked to the OW. Am I right?

Terrified - asking for the cell phone bill is not exactly a love buster. Jennifer told me it is the right of the BS to ask and to get. Regardless of what WS thinks, this is money coming out of your family budget to pay for a relationship that is onesided. This money could be used to pay for bills and food and etc. I did get a copy of the bills my husband had on cell phone and I told Jennifer how the calls went. I think you will have to decifier this for yourself with your spouse. I am the one that pays the bills and I felt it is my right as an asset to this family I need to know where the money is going. It is honesty that brings forth a good marriag and one that will be wonderful. Wish I had it, but have not given up yet.

Hi T,<P>Ah.... the hurtful question for the WS.... bills, credit cards, cell phone statements. Well if this is a need you have to reassure recovery, let your H know. If you are the bill payor all the more reason to see it. Either way, if there is a need to know and you are both commited to recovery, then go for it. In a nice and tactful way and with the right attitude. Delivery is the key. Not just what you are saying but how. <P>My H tried to eliminate the paper trail of bills by paying all his A stuff via cash. So I found the hotel bill from their mini vacation, when I went to help him 'clean his rented move when he claimed to move back home'. It was on his bank statement. YUCKKKK!<P>Of course, H's cell phone was charge up the kazoo. over 2000.00 in cell bills. H didn't want me to know the real amount, hey but I found out anyway. So when they try to hide it, it eventually surfaces. For me that was a tactic I used on H. I can wait to find out because H, I 'will' eventually find out. Hm...... Threatening? Maybe but real. Because I did usually find out. Very interesting concept. Patience usually pays off. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

Terrified<P>Your husband may think it is a love buster but it is your right to know where money is going and if he has contact with the OW. If you ask for the bill in a non-love busting manner and he refuses or blows up, then I would take it as knowledge that he is still in contact with the OW. Why else would he not want to show it to you to help earn back trust.<P>Could you get the mailing address on the account changed? Have the bill mailed to a PO box? I am sure this will get him mad but it is one way. This is ofcourse up to you.<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

It sounds as if I can ask as long as I don't appear negative or defensive...how do I approach it? Do I simply say, I haven't seen your Visa bill...BTW, H has not made a commitment to recovery. He's still here but waffling and in withdrawal so anything I do appears too incisive. HELP?

Hi T,<P>I post all our bills in an excel file. I have month to month totals itemized. This allows me to see our income and outgoing bills and can provide this to H at any time. <P>I gave H my reason in a calm manner and he gave it to me. Express your need, not emotion. He is not commited to recovery but this is a family issue not an A issue. Yes you may be looking for info but approach it from an A issue. I had a lot of family issues since H was NOT paying his bills and in case of divorce, those companies can come and attach my wages. So I had a vested interest. <P>L.<BR>

My husband is waffling too. But you can get the phone bill changed to home address. But you need the code to get in. I did it through some channels. Yes our phone bill is coming to the home and it is well in the thousands too. <P>As far as the way to approaching the phone bill is hard. I basically pay the bills, and found some discreet amounts on it. Made the calls and found information that was very valuable. I asked husband about the amount first, of course the truth was not told. Then I called the phone company and found more. Then I confronted the husband and he admitted it. There is more to our scenario but husband says he will not tell me anymore, until we have reconciled.<P>But as all of you know, that is not happening. He is still talking to the OW, and is not giving the MB a chance to work.