I may be a little too late. I have filed for divorce (no court date yet), though I don't want it. But my question is how do you implement Plan A or Plan B when a restraining order have been place on my H (standard procedure when papers are served). I haven't seen or spoken to him in the last 3 1/2 weeks. The last thing I told him was I did not want the divorce to go thru, he really didn't say anything. He seems to have moved on with his life. I am absolutely heart-broken. When does one know when it is time to let go? I want to write him a letter, but I'm terrified of rejection. I have stated to him time and time again to come home. He has given me varies reason as to why he doesn't want to come home. Friends have commented to me on how terrible he looks, how can he possible be happy? I'm unhappy, and so are the children. All they do is mope around the house. I try to do differnt activities w/ them, but once we're home I see it on their faces how much they miss him. Why is he choosing to inflict pain on us? I know if I truly love him, I should let him go, but at the same time I want to fight as hard as I can to keep this family together. I don't know what to do. I just want to stop crying. Oh GOD, where are you when I need you?

God is holding you in His hands...believe it...in your darkest hour, He is there...<P>Father, stillinshock, knows that You are with her. She knows that You have the power to restore her strength and her hope.<P>We praise Your name as the One who can work miracles in our lives. I know that You have and are working in stillinshock's life...give her the eyes to see the miracles You have and are working...<P>In her despair, I know that You will lift her up and she will find hope. In her darkest hour, she will draw from your strength and find strength.<P>Let her bind over her troubles to You so that she can be free to see Your work in her life.<P>Amen

Cali<P>Thank you.

It may be or it may not. The point is that you are in pain yet scared of putting your thoughts into writing. What do you have to lose? You say the D paperwork is already going on but your H looks like a basket case? Visible to others? <P>That is a good thing. At least he is not exhibiting glowing happiness. Your children are hurting? Can they write to their dad? Children's words can be very moving. Maybe even more than ours. <P>You have these options. Consider them carefully and use what is best. <P>L.<BR>

Orchid<P>Thanks for your reply. I'm just so confused as to what I need to do. I just don't know if I can handle another rejection. Too many in the last 4 mos. I don't understand how a person can discard other human beings like yesterday's trash. How can he put his needs in front of his own children, who by the way did not ask to be born. I have said to him,"When we were planning our children (they were not accidents), did we not plan them with the intentions to raising them together? He says nothing. Don't they have the right to have a decent childhood? Both he and I had our father growing up, should our children settle for less? Again, he says nothing. There were times when I too thought about there has to be more to life, but within time I learn that this is life (up and downs of marriage, work, and children), and how wonderful it was to have this. Why can't people be grateful for what they have? There are so many others out there who do not have half as much. Why? Because we live in a mememe me world. I'm so SICK of all the selfishness that goes on in this world!!!! I'm sorry for going on and on, I'm just so emotional right, and I'm trying so hard not to call him. I'm trying to give him his space. And I'm afraid he is enjoying it w/o us.

stillinshock...<P>how much reading have you done on this website? have you been able to pick up any of the Harley's books? <I>Surviving an Affair </I>can help you with many of your questions. <I> The Power of a Praying Wife </I> and <I> Secrets of the Vine </I> can help you with your faith. Also Dobson's <I> Love Must Be Tough </I> was another helpful read.<P>#1 on your list is to understand the anatomy of an affair and analyze how your marriage came to be in the place that it is...that means some true soul searching as to your part in creating the environment that led to the A. Don't get me wrong, the choice was his, but once you own your stuff and take responsibility for your part in the marriage, you become empowered to move forward...<P>#2 on your list is to work on changing the things about you that you want or decide need to be changed...again, it is about empowerment..moving forward...not standing still or going backwards...<P>#3 on your list is to "Let Go and let God" which, for me, has been the hardest as I like to 'control' my life and my destiny...but once you start to let go, to really pray and watch God work miracles in your life, it gets easier...<P>My thoughts and prayers are with you...<P>Cali

Dear Sis,<P>Sorry for the delay. Minor/major emotional emergency going on here. But for you, listen to Cali's advice. You are asking questions your H does not want to face because answering them (which they consider a sign of manipulation) will force him to deal with reality. So he chooses to be mum. The next step is dumb then done..... (sorry for the play on words, have to put some humor into this awful mess). <P>You though don't allow yourself to be mum, dumb or done. You are not ready to give up on your family and for now that includes your H. <P>So if you have not read some of those books, then read them. Let your H know that you are looking for reasonableness and not excuses. Ask him to step up the plate and speak like a man not a manipulated wimp. Oops that's an LB statement. Right now I am in that mode. Kicking myself out of that mode for you. OUCH!!!<P>Then you show respect for yourself and H. Let him know you expect that from him. The questions are still out there and answers are still needed. Don't let him get away from his responsibilities and your need to know. <P>L. <BR>

I don't have much luck doing searches on here, so I don't know your story. But I do have a question for you:<P>Why did YOU file for a D when you don't want one?<P>Just curious.<P>Karen

Orchid and Cali<P>I have read both SAA and Praying Wife. It's been 4 mos. since H moved out. I read SAA 2 weeks ago. So pretty hard to implement Plans A and B. I have said alot and done too much LBs (I've posted about 5 times since July 1st, see background) I know what my wrong doings were in the the marriage, and have stated this to my H. I suggested that we go to counseling, he says there is nothing wrong w/ him.<BR>I tried counseling, therapist seems to think my H is a sexual addict (also going thru MLC) and I'm a co-dependent. I think she might be right. His request were coming more and more than the unusual (I'm being kind here). I started to back off because I was becoming uncomfortable. No, he was not always like that or maybe he just hid it well. I've read books on sexual addiction, and it seems hopeless because he has to realize that he has a problem and he refuses to acknowledge it. He thinks he is like every other red-blooded male. <P>Topie 25<P>I filed for divorce because I felt like I was backed into a corner. I told him that if he was going thru something I would wait, and his response was "I don't think I can ever stop messing around". I thought and prayed about it for a week hoping for some kind of sign. Nothing. Even as I wrote the check to the lawyer, I didn't want to go thru with it, but truly felt I had no choice. There has to be a point when one has to turn away and walk away with some dignity. It breaks my heart because my H said a million times he would never cheat or leave his family and I believed him. Since I caught him w/ OW, he looks at me with such disgust. When I try talking to him, he screams and then hangs up on me. Something my real H would never had done. He defends OW (ouch). Not knowing what happened it what is killing me.