First I'd like to say that I am so new to all of this, I literally stumbled onto this site last night! I was overwhelmed to see that there are so many people going through the same nightmare. My H and I have been seperated for 4mos. after 12 yrs. of marriage and together a total of 16yrs with 3 beautiful children. It started back in mid-Feb. when my husband wasn't coming home after work as he normally did, I got the lame excuses that he was taking a fellow co-worker home. Every night it got later. My H has always been a great H, a good father, and good provider. He just wasn't himself. Our arguments escalated and finally I ask him to leave and he did. We immed. began counseling. We went for 2 sessions and i decided I didn't like the counselor and found a new one. I continue to go every week and my H bailed after his 1st session. That's when I found out about the OW and the A, which to this day he still denies. It's a co-worker,who he says is his friend. I had no idea that she even existed. I accessed his cell phone bills and found out that he has been calling her sometimes 6x's or more a day she to is married and her husband has no clue. My H tells me he loves me and cares for me, but doesn't love me the way he should. He refuses to go to counseling, he thinks he doesn't need it and nothing can save our marriage. I have cried, begged, and pleaded with him to help save our marriage. I have apologized for any and all past mistakes I have made(I have never been unfaithful) Nothing seems to work. I have decided to stop seeing him and talking to him. Today I told him that he can no longer come to our home whenever he feels like it( he still comes for dinner sometimes and pops in whenever) I've allowed him to have his cake and eat it to per say for to long! Am I now in Plan B? Do I need to explain it to him in a letter? I'm confused please I need some advice!

Hi, cybil,<P>I'm sorry you had to join us, but glad that you found us. There is a wealth of information all over the website.<P>Read about Plan A and Plan B and be certain that you have laid down the best Plan A foundation. Have you worked to identify and eliminate the Love Busters from your bahavior? Have you worked to identify and attempt to meet the emotional needs of your husband? Have you reached a point where you feel that continuing contact and Plan A is going to be detrimental to your feelings for your husband? That you may not be able to prevent Love Busting behaviors when you are around him? If the answers to most of these questions is yes and the answer to the last two, especially are yes, then you are probably ready for Plan B.<P>Are you cutting off contact with your husband on the advice of your counselor? Does your counselor espouse any of the more successful marriage therapy styles (Marriage Builders, Divorce Busting, etc.)? Some counselors are excellent for individual therapy but do not do well with marriage therapy.<P>Some more information will help us help you the best way we can ... keep in mind that none of us are counselors - we are all in the same boat as you are. Keep posting.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Hi Cybil,<P>Welcome to Marriage Builders. In addition to Terri's comments, I would like to share a post that we offer to all new ones here, it gives access to some of the information, tools and services offered at MB. Phone counseling session by Jennifer and Steve are great for helpin us implement what we read in the basic concepts sections and in the books. <P>Here is the thread: <P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009007.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009007.html</A> <P>There is a lot to read, but worth the effort. Here at MB we learn how to become better husbands, parents and wives and how to help our spouses that have strayed. While there are no guarantees, everyone learns here even the stubborn ones. So welcome and happy reading. We will help you answer your questions and point you in the right direction. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

cybil - your H sounds as if he's reading right from the script. As you learn you'll conclude he's sooooo similar to many other wayward spouses.<P>You are fortunate to find this site before you act - which means before you have a chance to make it worse.<P>I'll offer you what I call WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses. Think of it sorta like First Aid - not the answers, just something to help in the initial confusion.<P>This fills a void I think that exists for guidance in the early stages of an affair when most are caught off guard and feel hopeless. This comes from my personal experience and from the descriptions of many other betrayed spouses I have read about here for many months. I believe this to be consistent with MB principles, but I acknowledge I am an amateur and no one should act on this advice alone.<P>WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses<P>Rule 1: Don't try to make sense out of what's happening. You are not dealing with rational people, so your normal thought processes won't work. This is exactly why you're confused. If you can do it calmly, confront your spouse with any solid evidence you have of the affair, but expect denials and lies beyond belief.<P>Rule 2: Don't be in a hurry. There is little, if anything, you can do to separate the affairees. They have to do this own their own. The affair will end. To hasten it's end, do not interfere with it.<P>Rule 3: All snooping is good and necessary - but be ready for an ANGRY reaction if your snooping is detected. Refer to Rule 1.<P>Rule 4: Don't beat yourself up for "causing" the affair. You are partly responsible for creating the environment which made the affair possible, and you need to examine yourself critically to see what changes you need to make, but you are NOT responsible for your spouse's decision to have an affair.<P>Rule 5: This will likely be the worst experience of your life. You are a prime candidate for depression, so see a doctor if you feel like you're having difficulty coping. You may need anti-depressants. You are also a prime candidate for your own affair. DON'T DO IT!<P>Rule 6: Your spouse will act as if he/she has been abducted by aliens and had their brains scrambled. Just watch and don't take any of this personally. Again, refer to Rule 1.<P>Rule 7: Do not expect too much from the wayward spouse even if they have already ended the affair. It may feel like you are the only one who is trying to save the marriage. You are not a doormat, just a loving, faithful spouse. <P>Rule 8: You will be told by well intending "advisors" to "Throw him/her out!!!" or, "Say good bye and don't look back!!" Instead of following this advice, learn everything you can from books, websites (like Marriagebuilders.com), and counselors about the ways to find the silver lining in this cloud. Seek advice as soon as possible.<P>WAT<BR>

Thank you all for your replies. It means so much to me to know that there really are other people out there that understand how devasting this is and how sad I feel that the person I thought would love and cherish me and grow old with me could betray me like this. Thanks again for the positive feedback.

One more thing, cybil. You said OW is married and her H has no clue. Do you know how to contact him? IMHO, you should contact him and spill the beans. if the roles were reversed, wouldn't you like to know?<P>Others may disagree with this action.<P>WAT

Yes, I have tried to contact her husband but she has apparently told him that I am psycho and will not let me speak w/him. She has told my H that her phone is now tapped and if I call one more time she is going to file harrassment charges. My H came over today trying to retrieve the copy of his last cell bill even though I gave him the original bill. It seems as though all he's worried about is saving her a**! He says I shouldn't do anything stupid! If I knew their address I would send him a copy a day!! My H continues to tell me they are only "friends" and her husband is aware of their friendship. I believe that one,I actually feel sorry for the OW H.

cybil,<P>I'd just like to say "Yes!" to WAT's little primer. He's right on target, except for telling the other spouse. I honestly don't know if he's right about this. I did not do it, and still refuse to do it, simply because it seems wrong to me, but I have no justification for that. In my case, both my W and the OM expected me to tell his wife and I decided not to because I didn't want to support anything they thought about me. Still everything else is good advice. Please read Surviving an Affair. It is invaluable. It saved my sanity.<P>Ish