Had sex with WS yestarday, feel really down since then. Why? Because it was just that, SEX. No more, no less. It was passinate alrite, but nothing loving and caring in between. Feels like a very selfish act to both. In hindsight, we were both trying to seduce each other rather than giving, as if trying to prove we are still attracted to one another.<BR>Should I just enjoy it as it is? or should I avoid this all together, since such negative feelings comeup?<BR>Moreover, is it ok to disscuss those feelings with her?<BR>Is this common for BS?<BR>Please help.<BR>

I'm sorry I am unfamiliar with your story. Are you and your wife in recovery? Or is the affair still on going?<P>I have read that it is quite common for sex to be difficult emotionally during recovery - and that it is also quite common for either spouse to attempt to overcompensate because of the affaire - WS trying to meet the "standards" of the OP and BS trying too hard to please the WS.<P>Negative feelings will occur when you haven't made the anticipated emotional "connection" with your spouse - and that is very definitely something that can happen while an affair is ongoing.<P>Seems to me that it is normal and to be expected, from everything I've read.<P>Do you talk to her about it? If you can find a way to do so without love busting, absolutely. Remember the Rule of Honesty... she cannot know how you feel about it unless you tell her. Of course, if she is in a continuing affair, it might not matter to her, but I don't know where you are at.<P>Hope this has helped a little.<BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Thanks terri,<P>and sorry for the lack of info,<P>WS had EA with co-worker last year summer, broke off b4 x'mas;<BR>Same OM this year Feb, turned PA March;<BR>D-day : april;<BR>A ended May;<BR>A is supposingly over according to WS, and there is nothing to show otherwise, however, have not establish no-contact;<P>So my question, do I avoid sex b4 the 'emotional connection' is re-established?<BR>Would it be LB not responding to her sexual needs?

Humper,<P>I would say try it again, but don't persist if it makes you uncomfortable. MB concepts tell us to work on our EN even if we don't always feel like it. I feel that if you continue having sex then your partner knows you are trying to work on this relationship. (Especially if you try to spice things up and make it very romantic.) If you withhold sex, she might feel that you have given up.<P>My H and I continue to have great sex even though he moved out 6 weeks ago. I know OW is out of town so I know he is not getting any from her. Don't know how I will feel when she gets back. Part of me thinks I should stop all physical contact, but then I'm afraid he would definitly run to her to get his needs met. <P>It's a difficult situation. I wish you the best of luck. <P>Heck

terri,<P>So, what if your WS says that talking about those things is putting too much pressure on them? A couple of my WS top En are Affection and SF. BUT she says that she doesn't want SF from me now and doesn't want the affection because it makes her feel guilty and uncomfortable. She is not seeing OM now because he left the country about 5 months ago. D-day for us was about 12 weeks ago and we started counseling with Steve H. in early June.<BR>SG

Thank you Heck,<P>I could not bring myself to speak with W the entire day today without LB because of those feelings, thus nothing to contribute to plan A. What I am afraid is that the sex will do more harm than good.<P>And I am unsure of how to approche her and discuss these uneasy feelings. This is after all a very sensitive subject. I don't want her to feel un-welcome, and that really isn't the case either.<P>I can only hope we 'reconnect' sooner.

Dear Humper,<BR>What if you just take one day at a time. You may feel differently as time marches on. I believe it is important to discuss your feelings with each other, definitely.<P>She might not want to hear your feelings as the fog tends to cloud one's ability to see past their own selfish self-centered, self-absorbed, self-described "pain."<P>I'm sorry! LOVE is not supposed to hurt, but sometimes it does, and sometimes (human) love is not enough! It's not what happens to us, it's how we take it. God is enough! Roll the problem over on God, HE can handle anything! Then, it's not your problem anymore--it's HIS! Keep the faith!