Okay...my mind is working in a weird way...<P>As I was looking over my top 5 needs<P>sexual fulfillment<BR>financial support<BR>domestic support<BR>affection<BR>honest and openness<P>I realized my H has not been meeting them FOR A LONG TIME!<BR>Way before his A...so why didn't I go out and have an affair?<P>I have to feed kiddies dinner...more on this later.<P>Cali

Because.. lol.. this is such a simple yet glaring thing, and so easy to lose track of. It's all about being a giver or a taker. Being there for others, or out for #1. Your H is being very selfish right now, and nothing you did has caused him to do this, it is NOT YOUR FAULT!!<P>Don't you dare forget that either girl! <P>

Cali, been waiting for you to come back and reply.. You still there? You ok?? I know how hard this is. I'm worried about you. I hope my answer didn't start you crying, it's the truth though, I was hoping to make you feel better. Don't kick yourself. Like you pointed out, if EN's were all there was to it, then there is something missing there isn't there? Keep your chin up. You're going to make it through this. Actually, I suspect sooner than you think. There are definitely wheels turning in that fog of his.

Cali,<P>Ha I've been gone and here you post something I've wondered too!<P>As I look at things with my S, I think, "Wow, I should have been the one that had the A. What the hell is wrong here?"<P>I don't have an answer for you except to say, maybe we were less taken in by the fog, or we didn't have the opportunity, or maybe we are just better than they are <P>Ish

Hey NY and Ish...<P>I am fine...just finished dinner and had a phone call with a friend...<P>also H is here and doesn't like me to post when he is around...<P>Really, I was laughing about this 'revelation.'<P>My girlfriend and I talked about it and we think that I just don't get 'attached' to men easily...has something to do with mom and dad's divorce when I was 10 and two 'evil' stepfathers...<P>Cali

Glad to hear you're ok. I think you're starting to pull away abit, and that's normal, it's self protection. Careful though. A good plan B is better than becoming bitter and losing your love for your H. Your taker is coming back now, that's why you're able to think about it now, and didn't then. Your giver was married,for life, and there is nothing wrong with that, it is as it should be. What he is doing is not ok, I don't care what needs he had unmet, and that's that, you know? He knows it too, I'd guarantee it.<P>

Cali,<P>I too have asked myself this question. As a matter of fact, I have asked it of my therapist too! LOL! I was lonely, not fulfilled, emotionally bankrupt and he's the one that did it! I don't understand it either. <P>I agree that some of us are givers and takers. I have found my taker. I like my giver side but after the affair came out my taker took over. I think my H finally found his giver side. Isn't it funny that it takes something this horrible to find new things out about ourselves. Now if we both can just find a happy medium. <P>I have gone through a lot of soul searching since d-day. I am a SAHM and I am glad that I didn't have the opportunity to have an affair myself. <P>I do think we are the strong ones. The fog didn't get us! I just hope that in the future I am equally as strong. Keep your head up. You upheld your end of the bargain. Your vows are still in tact. God will smile on you. <P>NM

Here's a nice thread in recovery fom someone 2 years down the road that I think you might like. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/003679.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/003679.html</A> <P>One bit of wisdom I've gleaned from all of this, well, maybe a couple. One is that if you can find a person who supply even 70-80% of your emotional needs, that's a pretty great relationship. No one person can be everything and all fullfiling for another. <P>Another bit of wisdom, what we focus on becomes how we see the world and how we feel. If you were unfulfilled in some ways, but those things were not your focus, then you were still basically content. Another person might be in the same situation and choose to focus on the unfulfilled rather than the fulfilled parts of their life and be miserable. How we think, our inner thoughts, they do matter about 99.9% more than what actually happens.<BR>

Cali...<P>There is a myriad of responses for why you did not have an A when you could have:<BR>a) you are much to classy<BR>b) you are a devoted wife and mother<BR>c) dedication to your marriage is something you believe in<BR>d) you held out hope that things would change and that your needs would be met<BR>e) you love your H<BR>f) you are a good person that is a good role model for your kids and teach them the right lessons<BR>g) it was the wrong thing to do<BR>h) you are a wonderful person that did not compromise your principles for personal satisfaction (although you probably had thoughts and/or opportunities to do so)<P>Hope this helps answer your question from the fog... <P>Trueheart

What an interesting question. I have wondered about that too!!! H has not met my needs for a long time, if anyone should have felt deprived and actually had reason for an A it was ME!! <P>Does that validate it for me and now I have an excuse? I wish. My conscience won't let me. <P>L.<BR>

Me too, about my last marriage anyway. I should have you know that. And I could have been one of those very self justified WS's too. But I guess that is just not me.<P>Or at least has not been to date.<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

~yet another thread where LibbyDoe loves trueheart's reply~<P>Next, to Cali:<P>Why? Because you wouldn't. Because we are, if anything, right. <P>Because our needs have not been met. Are not met. Will they ever be...met?<P>Because we would accept less than we want. Because we would accept less than we deserve. Because we are accustomed to accepting less than...<P>Yes, yes, yes! Every reason should have been yours, but could not have been.<P>Can I count the men? Yes. Do I wish to?<P>And among them all, was there a time amidst the promiscuity? In the midst of fidelity?<P>No. <P>Not even then, not even for me.<P>I understand why You did not have the A.<P>It will not make you hurt any less.<P>I was 22 when a friend told me that one of my problems was that I was alway right, that I never let the other person be right, never let my self be wrong. Never let me take chances.<P>I cry for you a lot. I cry for me a lot. I think it freaks out my H when I read your posts and my face gets wet. <P>Historically, I don't have that many feelings.<P>As long as you have been true to yourself, you know why you never had the A. <P>And as it has been said before, do we want to be right, or...?<P>Remember, I am also the vindictive one. <P>The devil's advocate.<P>I should be in bed.<P>LibbyDoe<P><BR>

Dear JustPlain<P>WHY DIDN'T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR? Hmmm... let's see?<P>* You didn't have an affair because you respected the vows you made before God. <P>* You didn't have an affair because you decided not to.<P>* You didn't have an affair because of your personal values.<P>* You didn't have an affair because you chose not to be totally inconsiderate, self-centered, and ungrateful.<P>* You didn't have an affair because you didn't sit around thinking about it constantly.<P>* You didn't have an affair because you didn't put yourself in compromising situations with members of the opposite sex.<P>* You didn't have an affair because you didn't take that second and third and fourth look at other sexy, attractive, guys.<P>* You didn't have an affair because you didn't go around discussing your unmet needs with other men. Heck, were you even aware that your needs were unmet, or were you so preoccupied with fulfilling the needs of your family? Sheesh!<P>JUST SOME GUESSES?????<P>

I agree with 99.9% of the answers above. But, I think the one answer that isn't there is the one that I feel the strongest about. <P>It never crossed my mind. I would have never chose to hurt my H this way. I would've never sacrificed my family for myself. I think it boils down to selfish and unselfish people. <P>H and I have been looking back and he now says that all of our married lives he has been selfish. That he never really considered my feelings on a lot of issues. We have been married for 19 years and looking back I agree. The sad thing is I let it happen. I took the backseat thinking that was the right thing to do. That is what my mom did. <P>Now, I have to figure out how not to be taken advantage of and still be loving and supportive. Any suggestions? We are Plan A-ing. It is working!

I agree with 99.9% of the answers above. But, I think the one answer that isn't there is the one that I feel the strongest about. <P>It never crossed my mind. I would have never chose to hurt my H this way. I would've never sacrificed my family for myself. I think it boils down to selfish and unselfish people. <P>H and I have been looking back and he now says that all of our married lives he has been selfish. That he never really considered my feelings on a lot of issues. We have been married for 19 years and looking back I agree. The sad thing is I let it happen. I took the backseat thinking that was the right thing to do. That is what my mom did. <P>Now, I have to figure out how not to be taken advantage of and still be loving and supportive. Any suggestions? We are Plan A-ing. It is working!

I agree with 99.9% of the answers above. But, I think the one answer that isn't there is the one that I feel the strongest about. <P>It never crossed my mind. I would have never chose to hurt my H this way. I would've never sacrificed my family for myself. I think it boils down to selfish and unselfish people. <P>H and I have been looking back and he now says that all of our married lives he has been selfish. That he never really considered my feelings on a lot of issues. We have been married for 19 years and looking back I agree. The sad thing is I let it happen. I took the backseat thinking that was the right thing to do. That is what my mom did. <P>Now, I have to figure out how not to be taken advantage of and still be loving and supportive. Any suggestions? We are Plan A-ing. It is working!

I agree with 99.9% of the answers above. But, I think the one answer that isn't there is the one that I feel the strongest about. <P>It never crossed my mind. I would have never chose to hurt my H this way. I would've never sacrificed my family for myself. I think it boils down to selfish and unselfish people. <P>H and I have been looking back and he now says that all of our married lives he has been selfish. That he never really considered my feelings on a lot of issues. We have been married for 19 years and looking back I agree. The sad thing is I let it happen. I took the backseat thinking that was the right thing to do. That is what my mom did. <P>Now, I have to figure out how not to be taken advantage of and still be loving and supportive. Any suggestions? We are Plan A-ing. It is working!

The only reason that I can come up with is that it never crossed my mind. I would have never chose to hurt my H this way. I would have never sacrificed my family for myself. I think it boils down to selfish and unselfish people. <P>H and I have been looking back and he now says that most of our married lives he has been selfish. He says he never really considered my feelings on a lot of issues. We have been married for 19 years and looking back, I agree. The sad thing is, I let it happen. I took the backseat, thinking that was the right thing to do. That is what my mother did. <P>Now, I have to figure out how to still be supportive and loving without being taken advantage of. Any suggestions?<BR>We are plan A-ing. It is working, but I still worry about being naive.<P>NM

The only reason that I can come up with is that it never crossed my mind. I would have never chose to hurt my H this way. I would have never sacrificed my family for myself. I think it boils down to selfish and unselfish people. <P>H and I have been looking back and he now says that most of our married lives he has been selfish. He says he never really considered my feelings on a lot of issues. We have been married for 19 years and looking back, I agree. The sad thing is, I let it happen. I took the backseat, thinking that was the right thing to do. That is what my mother did. <P>Now, I have to figure out how to still be supportive and loving without being taken advantage of. Any suggestions?<BR>We are plan A-ing. It is working, but I still worry about being naive.<P>NM

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by JustPlainCali:<BR><B>Okay...my mind is working in a weird way...<P>As I was looking over my top 5 needs<P>sexual fulfillment<BR>financial support<BR>domestic support<BR>affection<BR>honest and openness<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Honestly... I never thought I'd come across a posting from a woman who places SF as her number one emotional need (assuming this listing is in priority order).<P>They almost always seem to get it down at nunber four or lower.<P>Clyde<P>