Tonight the police were called to my home by a neighbor when my husband went into a rage episode yelling loudly, the and the kids started to cry and scream in the swimming pool because they didn't want to stay home while I ran to the store. After the police left my H was angry with me, it was my fault the police came, he told me he wanted nothing to do with the parenting seminars offered by the church, he was going to continue to discipline the kids as he saw fit be it yelling, grabbing the and/or pushing them. He wouldn't listen that Protective Service was involved in this mess less than 10 months ago when he put his service revolver(He was a police sargent untill January of this yeart) when he put his service gun to his head in our bedroom threatening me that he was going to "swallow the barrell", suicide be cause I was so bad as a wife, I made his life miserable and he wants nothing more to do with me, I am his "Amnity Horror Show", and I was told to find someplace else to sleep and not in our bed. He yelled about how I wasn't a good fu--, , I can't meet his needs. According to him there are only excuses from me for not being sexually intimate with him as much as he needs, he won't listen when I explain how the abuse and rage slammed my ability to be sexual with him, not to mention the pictures in my head of him with the woman he cheated on me with. I can't take this anymore, my kids can't take this anymore, he really hates me and I don't have much to work with to rebuild our marraige. He told me straight up, he wan'ts nothing more to do with me and he has had nothing but a lousy life with me as his wife. If I didn't love this man then this crap wouldn't be so dam= painful. <BR>Of all the people in my life my Husband is the one I have<BR> most wanted to be loved by, the one I most wanted to love and cherish, I wanted him to see me as a person he could admire and respect. I have loved this man for most of my adult life and would have done anything for him and have done so at times. He's not willing to do whatever it takes to repair the marraige, Does he really just plain and simply want to cut me loose? Have I been the worst thing to happen i n his life? Why won't he hear me? Why does he hate me so much? Why can't I let go sexually for him? What does it even matter anymore? I can't compete with his affair, the abuse, and all the baggage laying about me!!!! Am I this lousy excuse of a wife? Why can't I see straight? When will I be who I need to be? Will I always carry this burden and blame for the affair? Is it time to let go? What signs has he shown to give me even a small piece of hope to hang onto? I just want to crawl up in a ball in the corner of my house and cry until there is no more deception in my life. How am I suppose to make it without him? Am I capable of managing my life without him as a major focal point? I think it's time I give up, I am failing at all the major tests of loving your spouse above all else. He told me right up front tonight he was done with me, I'm worthless to him no matter what I do. I don't know if I have what it takes to let him and the marraige go

If all this is true, do you really want to be married to someone who despises you so? WHY?????????<P>And how come you believe him when he puts you down and says that you are not a good wife and worthless and all that? Does he or anyone else have the right to dictate to you your self-worth? I thought that God determined your worth when He sent His Son to die for you? That's what you AND your family are all worth--the shed blood of Christ. That's sounds pretty valuable to me.<P>Your husband is miserable. It sounds like he is looking for a way to avoid taking responsibility for his wrongdoing and rather than apologize and go through whatever it would take for you to heal, the easy way out is to vent his anger and pain. Anger is a by-product of hurt that has not been dealt with. He is lashing out at you and the kids because he is not finding out the true source of his anger. I could be wrong, but if he took some time to figure out what he is really hurting about, he at least would know that it has nothing to do with you nor his kids. I truly believe that. His anger is about him, not you, so don't internalize HIS problems and make them become yours. He has his opinions about your worth, and he is entitled to be wrong.<P>You probably should get the kids and leave if he is threatening your physical safety and threatening to commit suicide in front of you all. He's pretty over the edge, if you ask me. Can you go to a relative's house? It doesn't sound safe for you guys--emotionally or physically. Hang in there.