I've been following posts from the two of you and you've both responded to a few of mine.<P>I just wanted to vent and get an opinion, you've probably already answered it but I am feeling down tonight.<P>My H's A was discovered by me 5 months ago, he moved out, at my request, as far as I know no contact with her.<P>For the past 6 weeks I have been asking my H when he plans on moving back in. He's given me every excuse in the book, he wants to get to know me, wants to learn to respect me, wants to get along better with the kids, etc etc, even told me that as long as I was still smoking he wouldn't come back because it bothered him. (I quit 5 days ago, no, not for him for me, I was making myself deathly ill and I got over the hump of "What does it matter", I also started taking Prozac a week ago, for me) <P>Yesterday I told him I didn't know how much longer I could do this, he replied, "Do what you have to do"<P>This is making No sense at all. We spend lots of time together and at night I have been going over to his home. We are currently living right next door to each other. Well, I am getting tired of this, he has spent the night in our home only 2 times in the last 5 months. <P>My girlfriend says I am an idiot, that he has his cake and he's eating it too.<P>I'm loosing it, I don't feel that he loves me. In my eyes after the horrendous thing he's done he should be more than happy to be asked to move back in.<P>At this point I am tired of playing his game. I have done everything I can to maintain niceness etc. but now I am getting close to the end of my rope.<P>I haven't been over to his home now for the past 5 nights, he's more than welcome to come home, but I won't be going over there. He makes no attempt to come to me.<P>Some say his A may have gone underground, god I wish I only knew, he won't admit it, I have asked. <P>I can't think of any other reason for him to do what he's doing. He told her during their A that he and I were separated and he was living in the rent house, well now he is, is he doing this because he's still in contact with her and doesn't want to lie anymore? I am sooo confused. I am also tired, quite honestly this evening I don't give a d****.<P>There were things I told him needed to change if we were going to make it, for example, him meeting some of the emotional needs of mine, with him out of the house how in the world are we ever going to address these? Also right now I am off work, what better time to get things back on track. <P>Your opinions would be appreciated.

k9love:<P>From all the outward appearances, it does appear as if the A has gone underground.<P>Everything that he has said is typical WS fogese. By moving next door, he has created an environment that makes it much more difficult for you to ascertain this. WS's actions and words, speak volumes. Far from being original, the words they say are very, very common. Those words were very, very common. There's smoke for sure, time will tell if there is fire as well.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

K9love,<P>Your husband has the best of both worlds. He has you and he can lead the life of a single man. Why on earth would he want to change this? You are the one who is uncomfortable with the current situation so you are the one who will need to make some changes. The good thing about you making the changes is that in a relationship, when one partner changes it forces the other to change as well. <P>If I recall from your previous posts, you have been in Plan A. I would recommend that you continue Plan A for a while but with some changes. Hopefully he will have learned by now that you are willing to meet his Ens. Now he needs to learn that the only way you are going to continue that is together in your home (the family home). Now the problem is how to do that.<P>Stop doing anything for him in his house. For example do not visit him in his house anymore. But you can invite him over for a home cooked meal, a cup of coffee, what ever. Invite him out on dates. <P>If you are giving him any domestic support at his house, stop it. Do not clean his house, do his laundry, run any errands for him, etc. If you cook his meals on a daily basis stop and let him do these things for himself.<P>If you have children (I do not recall right now) let him start taking some of the responsibility with them. Set up a regular schedule.<P>Do you get the idea? Be wonderful for him everywhere but in his house.<P>One caution though. If you currently have free access to his house, do not loose that. Keep enough involvement to keep that access. If you don’t you will only be helping him continue a secret life. If you need to, keep up something very small, like maybe dusting his coffee table daily, or taking his mail over daily.<P>As for whether or not he is continuing his affair or at least contact with the OW. This will be harder to find out if he is living in a different house. But there are some things you may be able to figure out. What are his patterns of going out? Is he home every night? Can you look at his phone bill? Can you record his phone conversations? Does he use a computer to communicate? If so install tracking software (www.iopus.com). Remember that legally the home of one spouse is the home of the other. Legally he cannot keep you out any more then you can keep him out. Have faith in that if he is still involved you will find out. Perhaps it will take a little snooping or perhaps the information will fall into your lap. WSs have a way of making sure their spouses “discover” their activities.<P>Then if, after some short period of time (1-2 months) you do not see a huge difference in your WS behavior. If he has not agreed to move home with you and work on your marriage, go to Plan B.<P>Keep the faith and stay strong.<P>Just my 2 cents.<P>Z<P>

STL and Zorweb:<P>Thank you both for responding, STL I too feel something is going on, thank you for your being totally honest. (I can't understand why my H can't understand why Honesty is what I crave more than anything).<P>Zorweb, yes I will stop doing for him at his home, if he wants the comforts of married life he can have them here. Thanks for the insight. As far as him going out at night, he does not. He has only a cell phone and no computer access over there. I get the bills and I go over them with a fine tooth comb. Thanks for your input, you are right, I cannot change his behavior, but I can change mine. <P>Thanks again.<BR>