Hope everyone had a decent weekend given each of your various circumstances. I have somewhat of a general quaestion. My wife is apparently having a telephone affair with OM. He once worked where she does but has since been let go. Her emotions are somewhat on a roller coaster. she sometimes is friendly to me and we have had a few good conversations. Nothing intimate but we do talk. Then other times, it is like pulling teeth to get her to say anything at all. I feel I am giving her the third degree when I ask her questions about various things. I have all along tried to be thoughtful and caring. Due to my wife's schedule, I cok and try to have a good meal for when she comes home at night. I bring her coffee in the morning and fix her lunch. I try to do things for her that someone would do out of love for that person. We do have a teenage daughter and a ten year old daughter. If anyone out there can relate, it can be right hectic. Anyway, I just want to know if it is typical for a wife that is in an affair and may be depressed to act with no caring at all. She says she can't treat me like a wife treats her husband but I think it is the fact that she probably has some regular contact with OM. She doesn't like her job and feels she does not make enough money along with other worries. The most relaxed she appears to be is usually on Saturday night. I guess she doesn't have to deal with work and usually there is a nice meal which is either carry-out or I make. Then on Sunday she is down again and it generally carries throughout the week. So do WS's have these volitile moments and could it be due to their feelings of guilt due to their deception. How do I tell my wife that I am not judging her. I just don't like what she did. she has denied the affair and says it is still just friends. Is there anyone out there that can help me?

Sounds like she is withdrawn. Have you read the material on the website? It really is helpful. Just click on Concepts or Home underneath the big "Marriage Builders."<P>Also, there is a General Welcome <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank> here</A> that you might find helpful.<P>Sorry if I have given this to you, if you have already reviewed it all. I hope this helps.

Welcome. Glad you found us, but sad for your circumstance. Of course, all of us here are in this sad predicament - that's why we're here. This is just a brief reply to let you know that YES. SHe is following the script of a WS. There must be a book out there somewhere to teach them what to say. Others here on the site refer to it as an alien-abduction, and the mother-ship is controlling their minds and things they say. Please read read read. If you will read the MB principles, and many of the posts, you will see that your situation is much like some of the others, and you should learn about Plan A and begin doing it as fast as possible. THere's a good post by Cybil not too far down with subject - I'm new and need advice. THere are some good replies on it to help you get started.<P>Hang in there - you are at the right place for support, info, and encouragement. read and post as much as you can.<P>------------------<BR>Faith1

golfer,<P>Yes it does sound like your wife is reading from the script book used by all WSs. I know this is hard but hang in there. <P>I am sorry to hear what you are going through. You have however come to the right place. Here’s a link to the Marriage Builder welcome page in the “Just Found Out” Forum. It will give you a good overview of where to look for help.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html</A> <P>Read the book Surviving an Affair. I it is a road map of how to put your relationship back on track. In particular read the material on Plan A on this website and in the book. The MB concepts have a very high success rate. Statistics are on your side. 98% of all marriages stay together after an affair. You want to work not only and keeping your marriage together but on improving your marriage. My husband, SeenTheLight, and I have done this using the MB concepts. Though I’d never suggest this path to marital improvement to anyone, we were able to use it as a catalyst to a better marriage. <P>Please keep coming here to MB. There are many good people here who will give you the support you need during these hard times.<P>Z<BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Golfer-<BR>I am a WS, and unfortunately I can retlate to how your W is behaving. It sounds very typical, especially if she still has contact. I had a long EA that ended over a year ago. I spent the whole EA (over a year) denying to myself and my H that it was really an A. She needs to see the harm she is doing and needs to give up contact with OM. I don't know your situation, so I don't know how you help get her there. I think that trying to fill the needs the OM is filling (conversation and affection) is good becasue you will force her to see the conflict. Have you read Surviving an Affair? Have you tried counseling?<P>I mostly wanted you to know that there are people out here that have been through this, and have recovered. There is hope, it is possible. Keep reading, and working at it. It will take time.

Thanks to you all who have responded. Per cloud's request I am giving a little background. My wife and I have been married almost 22 years. There was no abuse or other affairs on either side. We just grew apart due to normal and typical problems faced by any couple. Our problem is one of a lack of communicating and not building the other spouse up. My wife has indicated to me that whenever she would bring up a problem or something that was bothering her, i would just slough it off and basically tell her to deal with it although not in those exact words. I did things without asking for her imput which did not help her already low self-esteem. So, approximately a year ago my wife became interested in bodybuilding at the gym where she works. She was working with a male workout partner who later became the OM. My suspicions just surfaced when my wife had a female operation and she almost insisted that she wanted him to be at the hospital. Prior to that I didn't have a clue due to being stupid or very trusting. Anyway I became more distrusting and found out by some snooping that he was writing her cards and letters. I asked her not to workout with him any more and not to get messages from him as he is a is a massage therapist As I said before he was let go from the gym and I don't think she has had any contact with him other than the phone calls. She resents the fact that she can't work with him and blames me for things. She was non intimate before all this happened. This just topped things off. So I guess I just need to be there for her and let her go through this period. It has been about 3 months. I just don't know what to say. Do I bring up her affair and just tell her that I am not judging her, or do I keep my mouth shut and take whatever she throws at me up to a point? I consider myself a pretty good husband, not perfect by any means, but I want to help her and us become like we should and what God wants us to be.