</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by oswald:
<strong>So WAT what do think about this one?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Oz - What I think is not important, but since you asked, I think I'm glad I don't have your dilemma. In your case, I think I'd not squeal to OM's spouse after 2.5 years due to the (not overwhelming) consideration that he and his current spouse were not yet married. He hadn't yet made the Supreme promise. This doesn't mean he's not pond scum.

Yes, you'll have to live with your regret. But I believe we'd all do things a little differently if given another chance - especially those of us who didn't achieve our immediate goals.

As a refresher, the point of this thread started in July, 2001 was to air out the pros and cons of squealing to OP's spouse. As we can see, not one size fits all and there is no one correct answer.

Thanks Oz, for contributing yet another twist on a nasty topic.

WAT

This one's a toughie for me, an issue that I thought was behind me but may ultimately be forced into play.

The only people who know about the affair are my WW, the OM and me. I chose to keep quiet in an effort to protect our church from being ripped apart, to protect the children my wife ministered to, to protect my boys, etc., etc. I'm protecting everyone, including the OM, unfortunately. Ironically, no one is protecting me - they continue to talk on the phone in supposed secrecy.

I refrained from telling OM's wife because the ripple effect would eventually cause all the damage I was trying to prevent. Besides, she knows what her husband is - she was his former OW!

But, given the continued deceit and complete disrespect for my feelings, I may be forced to deal the card I didn't want to. It would have to be as a last resort, because the backlash will be felt far and wide and may spell the demise of our marriage. So I guess I have to weigh the options, as I don't want to see any more hurt come of all this mess. If my M is not to be salvaged, do I inflict more damage with a parting shot that will hurt a lot more people, or do the dignified thing and just go away? On the other hand, if my W and I part, I owe it to OM's wife to tell her what happened so she can protect herself.

As you can see, this ain't easy for me. I guess my hope is still that everyone finally comes to their senses and we can all move forward without having to expand the triangle of pain. Like most everyone here, I never dreamed I'd ever be in this utterly ridiculous, senseless and disgusting situation. Just gotta stay positive, be patient, etc., etc.......

<small>[ December 04, 2002, 12:45 PM: Message edited by: shattered in SF ]</small>

Okay, so let's play another scenario. Alot of people on here have said that they want to but are too afraid about what it would do to the M. I have personally am one of these people. But, I have been thinking about telling OW H, however doing so anonymously. Now, some might say I am a coward and maybe they are right. But, at the same time and I am being fair to the other spouse and covering my own a.. too! In my case, I don't have to worry about the OW and my H running to each other because it's a long run. We are literally in two different countries. Some might also say that if my H asks and I deny it then I'm not being completely honest, but hey right now neither is he. He still emails OW and doesn't tell me. He thinks they can just "be friends". But,she has gone on with her life as if nothing happened. So, part of it is revenge, but part of it is also fair to OW H. Opinions, please.

ac,
I feel strongly that if contact is continuing you are very justified in telling. Anything that shines light on a continuing A and makes it difficult is fair play.

IMHO
Oz

Here is another scenerio, I was not the one who told MOW's BIL, who works with my WS, and guess what? I was blamed for it, but the MWH (I don't think) knows it's my WS, she just told WS that someone called BIL and told him that she was cheating on his B. Well, let me tell everyone this, as we knew or know that something was not right in our relationships, I have to believe that they know on some gut level, but some choose not to check it out, or put blinders on. SO for those of us that do find out, and have it proven for ourselves, we take a chance in telling the OP because we do not know if they had put rose colored glasses on in their Marriages or, they knew and were not willing or able to confront for whatever reasons. Now I'm being blamed for something I did not so, as I told WS..IF I would have done that, I would have told them your name, what you drive, where they could find you, everything including your waist size because I would want you to suffer as YOU chose for me to do. But, seeing as I didn't because THAT is not the type of person I am WS, you go ahead and justify it anyway you want if it makes you feel better in the deception you live. Also for the record, I asked him point blank after I caught them and they were sneaking around with EA, I said.If you are so proud then why not scream it from the rooftops and why won't MOW tell her H when he confronted her about it? So, WS you think and do whatever you need to do and blame whoever you need to blame but I'm sure one day you will find out exactly WHAT this is leading to, and I wonder which one of YOU 2 will blame the other first?? Just my thoughts and opinion. So, do you tell, I feel that if there is a chance that you can contract something, or maybe YOUR WS has something and you know they do, what is your choice there? Let them go around STDing everyone they sleep with because it would be just punishment? I just think, that every case is different, and I think it is something that only the BS knows what to do for all of us have the same but very different circumstances surrounding our WS's Affairs. Do you understand what I mean?

<small>[ September 17, 2003, 08:25 AM: Message edited by: still forever hers ]</small>

Good post Still, as you made the exact point I was trying about when the other BS chooses to accept or not accept that their WS's are capable of such things as I see your WS's OMW chose to resort to listening to her WS, and I'm sure if the truth came out she regrets wholeheartedly. I knew that someone would tell WS's BIL, heck he works at a place that you run into someone that knows you everywhere you go, (federal job). So, I really did not have a chance someone saw them and the rest is history. This is a good thread, so many views and it is clear that everyone has different circumstances. When they say that telling is a major lovebuster, I can agree, but I can also say that having an A is a major, major lovebuster, not to mention what that might lead to in health, mental, emotional decay.

I would just like to say that someone did call me anonymously and tell me about my H A. I don't know if it was the OWH or if she put someone up to it to force my H into a decision because she wanted out of her M. But I do know that it was the answer to my prayers because like many of us. I knew something was wrong but my H was always with me and it was so out of character for him that I just didn't know. When I confronted my H and the OW they both denied it. I was so confused I prayed even harder and that evening I received a call from the OWH and her and they confessed everything. I thank the Lord for being told because it made me realize that I wasn't going crazy and it was early enough in the A that know real emotional attachement had developed, at least not for my H anyways. All contact ended with the OW within days my husband gave up his job with faith that he would find another and we would be ok financially. And with the Lords help we made it t through the storm. I found out that I was the last to know and I just wish that someone had told me sooner because there would have been a little less to forgive.

Just wanted to share my experience

The OM’s wife calling me and telling me about the A was the best thing in my situation. I shiver when I think about what could have happened if I never found out. Once the A was taken out of the darkness it was only then that my wife and I could truly give our marriage a chance. I think she (OM’s wife) probably did it more out of trying to sabotage the A than feeling compassion for me. but it worked. If I ever see her (never met her) I will thank her for exposing this thing.

But on the other hand I agree that every situation is different. I have read about some of these situations here. I would take into consideration whether it could draw the WS’s together out of sympathy ,guilt, especially if they are in the deep fog. My wife though still in the fog at the time made her decision to work on our marriage pretty quickly. She came clean with the details pretty quickly too. I talked to the OM’s wife a few times and I do know that he was lying to her ( by omission)about what exactly went on and how deep they were into it and other things. I still wonder to this day if he really came clean with her or just told her as little as she needed to know. There was a time when I was afraid that she might call to compare the details ,I didn’t want the whole thing to blow up again because my wife told me everything.

About ten years ago I found out my friends GF was cheating on him, the evidence was overwhelming and I told him. I cared about my friend too much not to tell him and I know it was probably one of the best things to happen to him. He dumped her (she was a major flake) and ended up with a great woman who he is marrying this year.

In closing I just want to say again that in my situation being informed was the best thing that could have happened to me. I don’t agree with the people who advise never to tell and I don’t agree with the opposite

I did not tell the OW's husband about the A ... I had my WS confess to OW's husband when we met him in a coffeeshop. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

My H and the OW's H were friends and boyhood neighbors.

I would never respect my husband again if he did not confess to his friend the terrible injustice he had committed.

My H began to respect HIMSELF a bit that day. An act of courage and honor is a great way to begin re-building.

It was a step toward healing. I simply refused to be married to him if he did not "take it like a man."

I'm not willing to be married to a man I cannot respect.

That's me!

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ December 05, 2002, 02:34 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

I think, bottom line, you have to look at your situation and your internal motivation. If your heart isn't in the right place and you're telling the OP's spouse in order to get the OP into trouble, you might be setting yourself up for disappointment. I had three (or is it four, I forget) Ddays with my FOM... and his wife wanted so much to "get at me." She tried to get her husband to set me up, he wouldn't do it; so when that didn't work, she started calling my husband... "Did you know they were doing _____?" or "Did you know she paid for everything?" (yes, I had already been honest with him about all of that) or "Did you know that she gave him calling cards?".... the list goes on and on. Every time she'd call my cell phone looking for my husband to tel him something new or IM him on the computer, I had to feel a little sorry for her, because I knew that the revenge she wanted she wouldn't get going through my husband. In the end, it made her even more bitter.

My point? I caution you, if you want to reveal the affair to the light of day, that's fine. But do it with the intention of bringing your marriage (and theirs, if you have that much benevolence in you) back to a place where you can begin on the path of healing. If you do it for revenge, I just don't think that you'll be happy with the results... even if it works.

Telling the OP's spouse is like pulling a pin on a grenade and throwing it into the foxhole that is the "fantasy world" of the A.

It is exploding an unpredictable level of chaos and disorder into their neat, tidy self-contained universe where phenominally unrealistic lies like no-one-else-will-know, no-one-else-will-get-hurt, and no-one-else-matters actually sound believable.

That's why it works, or doesn't work, as the case may be. Because you can't predict or control the repercussions. But more importantly, THEY are no longer in total control of the situation, which makes it FAR less appealing, for both of them.

Realistic consequences for poor choices is not revenge. Giving the other BS in the equation the benefit of informed choice is an honorable thing.

Causing the OP suffering and pain is just a handy side effect. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I couldn't bear to read the thread but I will tell you that I wanted to tell the OP's H but my H said no, it wasn't right, it was up to OW to tell her H about their friendship.

On October 1, 2001, I sent an e-mail to Harley who said call OW's H. My H invoked the Policy of Joint Agreement: I won't have any more contact with OW if you agree not to call OW's H. I agreed.

On April 24, 2002, I called the radio program again because my H said he wanted to go to a retirement party where she would likely be. This time Harley said call, and I did and the truth came out to OW's H two weeks later.

I believed my H. I never considered he could lie or cheat. He told me I was being too controlling in wanting to tell OW's H and it wasn't my place. You know what? It wasn't my place. It would have been better if she had but she didn't and he didn't tell me. The truth made the situation look a lot less appealing to both of them.

The only problem is now, more than 7 months after D-day with four children under 9 and a family of origin who refuses to see my H ever again (because he broke my arm when I argued with him about OW last year -- I was naive to think that the horror of having broken my arm would have made him realize he should end contact with OW)

NOW I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN STAND TO STAY MARRIED MUCH LESS MEET HIS EMOTIONAL NEEDS!!

The pain of not calling may be much greater in the long run than the pain of calling. Sunlight is the greatest disinfectant.

I wish that OW had a H to tell. She is single but dumped her BF of 9 years when WH came along.

She was actually the one to call me. Before that I had thought it was over (that's what WH told his good friend - that it was brief and inconsequential)

Here's a link to a similar thread dealing with telling the kids. Would love some input.

On telling the Kids

Thanks,

D.

Interesting,Worthatry.

My exH never talked with OM, his wife, nor have I spoken with his wife. This whole mess went on for almost four years. In a way, I think it would have been better had his wife informed my now exH when she found out about the A. She found out about the A two months before my H moved out, and my exH didn't find out until he'd been out of the house for four months. Perhaps if my now ExH had known BEFORE we separated, it would have ended the A, or he wouldn't have moved out.

I remember one thing that happened, and I only share this to tell you the power of 'fog'. After OM and I had 'been together' for about a year, seeing each other monthly (long distance R) I threatened, during an argument, to send a photo of OM and me to his wife. I NEVER would have done that, it was only a silly threat during a ridiculous relationship's argument. HE said, "If you do that, I'll dump you." Yet I stayed with him. BTW, he didn't move out of his house until a YEAR after his wife found out. As far as I know , they're still married. I'm divorced.

In the end, I'm glad I didn't talk to his wife, nor her to me...nor her to my exH. (OM and exH never saw each other either) I'd still like to apologize to his wife, but at this point it is useless. It ended mid-July, and I found out he was a serial cheater. I don't want contact with him, nor with his wife.

H_P

well I have to agree its a matter of situation-I waited one week before tracking the OW H down and telling him that our spouses were having an A- I was very calm and polite- I knew I was wrecking his world but he didn't take it that way at all-he was grateful to be told and understood my motives-he deserved to know- end of story- someone should have told me. My H had a complete fit- I told him right away that I had seen the OW H for a chat- it took a few minutes for my H reaction to sink in......he was mad that I hurt his OW.........wow- that was a drag but I still have ZERO regrets about telling the OW H- light of day I KNOW has helped me and my marriage-I don't know how theirs is faring-I pray for them but as you sow, so shall ye reap and if he left her,then there is her harvest-she set up the A to begin with and in hindsight I can see where it would have been pain free in her M if I hadn't blown it open to her H.........revenge is not mine but I see how it seems vengeful to her that I told..........oh well- had to be done-I couldn't sleep thinking that I KNEW someone was being betrayed.......her world being wrecked was a bonus I truly hadn't thought of..........could easily have backfired on me-the OW H could have attacked my family- thrown her right into my H lap- I trusted a complete stranger and so far he hasn't hurt me...........good luck to you all- whether you tell or not....but I think light of day is a good thing- all the deceit that went before I found out.....how could I perpetuate more deceit?????????

Tell OW H? Heck yeah! I waited a month after my FWH and I began our recovery...I felt he should know if only so he could protect his 4 yo son she had custody of (her and her H were "working on their M while separated) I have children and would have appreciated a call from ANYONE just telling me to protect my kids from pain...I will be totally honest, it felt damn good to give a little to her what she gave to me tho <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> She will think twice before ever sleeping with a married man i think. Perhaps i did some other woman out there a favor lol. I know she regrets EVER meeting (much less getting involved with) MY H!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Yes, I agree vengeance belongs to the Lord. But justice is a man concept. I say TELL. Put it on the nightly news and let Tom Brokaw tell the world. Put an ad in the paper. Tell.

MTD

^

Well I wrote a letter not only to the ow (who was a friend of mine) but I also wrote a letter to the ow's boyfriend of 3 years. Why did I do this. Because I felt that if I had to feel so much pain, hurt, turmoil and rejection. If my life and my husbands life has been turned upsidedown, then there life should be as well. Revenge....perhaps. Do I feel good about it? Yes and no. The boyfriend contacted my husband and now wants to meet with him. My husband is furious at me now and has not talked to me for 2 days. The boyfriend is threatening me with "serious things" if I continue to blab about my husband's affair with his girlfriend. I want all parties to feel the same pain as I feel, from my husband, to the friend my husband was having an affair with, to the boyfriend who thinks his girlfriend is so sweet and innocent. Yes I am hurt.