On informing OP's spouse of affair. - Marriage Builders® Forums

Yea, a tough question.On a recent thread from cybil, Ishmael and I disagree on this issue of s[illing the beans to an unsuspecting (presumably) spouse of OP. I certainly respect Ishy's judgement, but we just disagree on this point.Maybe it's time to more fully air this out. To my knowledge, there is no stated position on this by MB. Maybe this is by design because maybe this is one of those issues that must be finely scrutinized in each case.My view, simply stated, is that a BS has a moral obligation to inform OP's spouse. Otherwise, the BS is further aiding the deception.OK, let's get in the mud (literally) and wrastle. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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WAT

WAT,What`s going on with you? You mail out your Plan B letter an suddenly we see the Wild WAT. Now its down and dirty mud wrestling? lolZ

I've been struggling with this issue as well.WAT - I have to say that I agree. It's hard on my conscience knowing what I know. The OM's sister has even called me and asked what I'm going to do, and why don't I stop it? Boy, is she clueless. She claims she is holding back the truth from her sister to "protect" her from hurt.On the other hand, telling the OM's W could be off the scale as far as an LB goes... But what am I saying? Maybe I have to take that risk... of course my W would be angry, but maybe this is what I really should do...Tough, tough call...What's Ish's opinion?-zen

OK my morals would have to stand with definately telling the spouses of the OP. Just a note OW's H was having an affair (before i knew the OW was in an affair with my H) and i told H to tell her of her H's doings. So be it a bad thing or not or sticking my nose where it dont belong... i think every BS has a right to know whats going on.

I too have struggled with this issue. I think the only thing that is keeping me from telling OM's W is that I am afraid of it coming back to me and being a major LB. Also, call me paranoid, but I am also concerned that the only thing keeping this OM from being with my W on a fulltime basis is that he is still married.S&C

WAT,I believe it says that we shouldn't recruit others against the ws and I think this would be construed as that. I resisted the urge to do this all though I really thought about it. I was counseled against it bby various people. Dr. Laura says its a no no too.On the converse side, it may help. om dumped my then w when his w threatened that he would never see the kids/grandkids again if he took my then w on a cruise. So he dumped my then w. She crawled back to me. She also caught him taking his w to see their grandchildren and she again came crawling back to me only to go back to om.I did finally talk to om's w at one point and told her a bunch of things about my w. Well she must have run right to her h and told him what I said and he must of told my then w and she called me the next and ripped into me so it was a big LB.So I have mixed views. I don't think I would want anyone telling me about spouses affair, but I would still liked to have known.

I've struggled with this question for a long time - since I first uncovered the identity of the OM. It's my belief that the OM has a moral responsibility to tell his W the truth. For me to do that for him would remove that responsibility from him, and I don't think that's right. I may be wrong. It wouldn't be the first time.I've considered delivering a hint, though. Just a few minutes ago it occurred to me that perhaps I could arrange an anonymous delivery of HNHN and/or SAA to her home. Would my xw consider that an LB? Absolutely. But we're no longer married, and I could easily follow her example and deny contact. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

-- o2bsane@hotmail.com

I subscribe to the big mouth theory. TELL!!With my ex-H's first affairs (3) I went to his parents. I should NOT have. But, I did speak to the H of one of the women (he came to me). His last affairs, I told nobody but my own mother... had they had an active H (both were "separated" and H's lived far, far away-- in both cases) I would have found their H's and told them. As it was, I came very close to writing a letter to the church they all attended (Dating Central Church of God)...I don't believe in poisoning the waters though... and karma has a way of coming back on you... but when it comes to the SPOUSE of the other person, I believe you should TELL.[This message has been edited by Nyneve (edited July 09, 2001).]

I think its really a matter of how willing you are to get out of your own comfort zone. Do you tell and risk getting a very negative reaction or do you keep the secret and deal with things on your own and not create any additional issues to deal with? Being the BS, I will say that I would have appreciated ANYONE telling me. Even though several people knew and decided to keep the secret thus perpetuating this "fatasy world". I would tell. I would be nervous. I might hesitate. But, there are ways to approach the subject without sounding vengeful. The BS deserves to know and WS really doesn't have a right to that kind of "privacy".....

The only reason any BS would tell the OP's spouse about the affair would be to be mean and cruel and to get the OP back for what the OP did to the BS. It would be sheer REVENGE, and nothing else. To even SUGGEST that telling the OP's spouse about the affair arises out of some kind of gesture of kindness and justice toward the OP's spouse is pure BULLSH--. No-one is kidding anyone about what the REAL motive would be. BE HONEST, NOW!!!

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by realitycheck: The only reason any BS would tell the OP's spouse about the affair would be to be mean and cruel and to get the OP back for what the OP did to the BS. It would be sheer REVENGE, and nothing else. To even SUGGEST that telling the OP's spouse about the affair arises out of some kind of gesture of kindness and justice toward the OP's spouse is pure BULLSH--. No-one is kidding anyone about what the REAL motive would be. BE HONEST, NOW!!!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I am being honest, I promise. I believe the spouse of the OP should be told, and here's why: it helps to end the affair for MY spouse, which helps MY marriage! That's my non-Bullsh** answer.

rc,do you honestly think that a BS would not WANT to know that she or he was sharing her spouse??? I would think of it as more of an act of preservation. How can we fight the unknown? Nothing was happening in my marriage until I realized what had been going on and could take appropriate measures to rectify the situation.

Then there's another side to this scenerio. I most certainly told the spouse of OW#1. Did he believe me? NOPE! She (the ****, *****, *****, add in your own words here), had her H conned so well. My proof, which were various emails, had already been read by him! OW#1 actually showed them to her H, and convinced him that they were all written as a joke to me! To teach me from snooping in my H's emails!! The sad part, is that he believes his wife. I know the truth, my H admitted it to me. The fact that OW#1's H is so dumb so's not to see what's been happening, well, that's HIS problem. He had the chance to do something about his marriage by accepting the truth, but chose to stay blind. And of course, this is allowing his W to be on her merry little way, and do what WS do best... lure, and decieve.When I first told him, was before reading this site. My choice to do so was not based on revenge mostly, but on stopping the nonsense that was going on. Now, the revenge part of me, now that H and I are in recovery, would be for my H to tell OW#1's H that in fact, yes, they did sleep together, on numerous occasions. H won't do it though. He's still protecting her. I HATE that!!!Wow!! That felt really good to get out!! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Karen

Nyneve: YES, your reason is PERFECTLY honest. That's a damn GOOD reason - to save your own marriage. At least you have the BALLS to come out and SAY IT!! There are people around here who are trying to be all cutesy-wootsey and pretend that they'd tell the OP's spouse about the affair out of some sort of Christian kindness for the OP's spouse. BULLSH--!

I believe it's a POJA issue between you and your spouse. There can be several variables involved - like whether or not the affair is over, the thirst for revenge, etc.In my case, I did not tell the OM's wife. There are times I wish I would, but my wife ended it with him and is now fully committed to our marriage. What good would it do us now? What I'm interested most is improving my marriage, and me going off and telling her so that she could possibly come after my wife (for being the "other woman") is not going to help my cause.I can fully understand the point made that every BS should know, and I do believe that. I believe that the OM has a moral obligation to tell his wife what he has done. The message should really come from him, not me. I don't know if he will ever tell her - or even if he already has, but it's not going to come from me unless he tries to get back together with my wife again. Then, I probably would tell her.My wife and I POJA'd on this. We negotiated that I wouldn't tell her as long as the two of them stayed apart. I believe things like this should always be negotiated, if possible.-HD

What Jennifer told me was that while in plan A I shouldnt tell OW H. But once I went to plan B I should call him and tell and offer to send him his needs her needs or SAA to allow him to have the best chance of recovery for their marriage. She did warn that I should not get into long conversations with him and even reccommended I have a friend do the actual calling.As for telling being kind... yes I beleive it is . I know I started to doubt my sanity when my H was lieing to me. It is very demoralzing to know something is wrong with your relationship and to be told it is not. Then There are health issues and giving their marriage a chance to heal. So yes, I think telling is OK. Bet you could never get an OP to think of it with anything but horror. After all keeping the secret relationship is what it is all about to them. Lora

Good, I got the desired responses - healthy debate.For the record, I have no vested interest. OM's wife and I engaged in corroborative snooping from the git go. We both deduced what was happening simultaneously.Ishy, where are you? We need your perspective.WAT

I believe that the BS should be told of the affair. It is not about revenge. It’s about stopping a horrible wrong from going on. If you saw a crime being committed would you at least pick up the phone and call the police. To me the same rule applies here.This is based on my personal experience. In my previous marriage, my husband cheated for most of the marriage. I had bits and pieces of information but nothing concrete enough. It always made me feel unstable, like I was making things up. He took advantage of this and kept telling me that I was imagining things. It was not until after our divorce that “friends” of mine started telling me what they knew. I am so furious that these “friends”. They helped my husband perpetrate a wrong against me by omission. They used the old excuse that they “did not want to get involved.” It is bad enough when one’s spouse lies and cheats, but when most of the people at his work and most of our friends knew it makes one feel like the entire world is working to keep you in the dark.During that marriage I did not do much snooping because I tried to respect his “privacy”. As his wife believed that I had to behave with dignity and snooping was is undignified. I also believed that one day, someone would have the ba!!s to tell me what was going on. Boy was I wrong. At least they told me after the divorce. Like every other BS, I had the right to know what was going on in my life. I had the right to know so that I could then make informed choices as to what I wanted to do with my life. By no knowing the truth, I was being exposed to deceases, etc etc. My emotional state was being played with on a daily basis.This experience has taught me a few things. The first is that a true friend will tell you if they are aware that your spouse is cheating; that others have a moral obligation to tell the BS; and that the BS has every right to snoop (total, radical honesty and no privacy in marriage).Today, if I were in the position of knowing that my spouses’ s OW was married, yes I would tell their husband. Has nothing to do with revenge, or game playing, etc.Might it make my marriage a little harder to save? Yes it might. But then again helping one’s spouse perpetrate a lie is not healthy for the marriage either. Not that I have an opinion on this or anything like that …. LolZ ------------------ He loves not who does not show love. ----William Shakespeare

good reply Zorweb.... I like the way you put things.

I would LOVE to tell the OW's H...but we are 11 months from D day and it looks like she is finally out of our life for good. Why open that can of worms? She is responsible for her own messes...but I hate to see her get off scot free. Her H has no idea

In my case, the OW and her husband were separated. Her husband was living with his mistress. My H's OW followed us here from our previous congregation (he is a pastor). I did write a letter to her husband that was very matter-of-fact, primarily because his children were in the house when my H and the OW were together. I felt he had the right to know.I never did get any feedback from him. I think his son intercepted the letter, but I do not know. That was last September.I do also believe the spouse should know. It allows him or her to make choices for himself or herself that the betraying spouse is taking away from them.jmhoGod bless! tearfulnomore

Listen:I read posts on this board every day by people STRUGGLING to make M's work using MB techniques. Whenever I read a post and think I can help, I take the time to write a reply.I don't know any of you from Adam (as my mom used to say), but I sure do feel what you're going through, and I sure do believe in these principles. I really believe that they work.So how can I sit here and tell perfect strangers what to say and how to act and to hang in there in an attempt to share what I've learned from MB, then sit back and not share this same knowledge with the W of the OM that my W is seeing?I don't now how I'm doing that, because that is exactly what I'm doing: not telling. I'm afraid of the consequences.I'm thinking myself a coward, now. As much as I detest the OM, his W deserves a chance to try MB on him to save THEIR marriage, never mind mine. They have a child involved.I've heard my W disparage the OM's W. She wants to hate her. Of course she does. OM has even said she's a good person. But I think the fog has led my W and OM both to believe that their spouses are great people, just not right for them, where the passion lies.Still don't know the answer...zen

I would love to tell the other Husband's wife but I think she already knows her husband fools around and tries to watch him every minute. But my wife fell for his trap knwoing he was a person like this. He was a policeman. I would love to tell his boss but there is a risk that the information will get out and embarass my wife if her family finds out. I would like to get the guy fired even if my wife did consent because he set the whole thing up.

Dr, Harley is very clear on this subject. This kind of secrecy in a marriage is never good. Who should tell? The ws. However, if they will not of own free will, 2nd best choice is to tell them someone else will inform their spouse if they do not (in some short timeframe). It really makes no difference who tells I suppose, the point is converying the knowledge. It should be done in a thoughtful caring manner, and since usually the BS does this, you would think they know the pain and would be caring enuf. I would think directing them to this site, and sending a copy of SAA might be thoughtful. The purpose is marriage restoration, any marriage with this secret in it is not a marriage, it is a sham. As a community it is hard to imagine an excuse not to tell. Most of the reasons (for and against) I read in this thread had to do with manipulation, outcomes desired in "their" (the tellers) life, that is the wrong focus. It makes no difference the consequences to the teller, the point is the revelation is the right thing to do, and if you happen to be the one who knows, the duty falls on you. If one needs actual "reasons" I can supply a few.First an affair is a public health issue. In that the unknowing transmission of std's can occur. This is unacceptable in a civilized society.Second, affairs threaten the stability of the very fabric of society, to the point you can even kill someone over this and be exonerated legally. This affects all of us, so anyone can tell, and it is not interference.Third, it is a be your brother/sisters keeper issue. It is in the best (psychological) intersts of all parties, that full disclosure occur, so we are obligated to tell.Harley's correctly (IMO) assert affairs are a natural consequence of human psychology. That an affair has occured, is a troubling event (for everyone involved), but it is not that it occured that is the issue. It is what comes after. An affair should lead to a hard look at the marital circumstances of all involved, as well as a hard personal assessment of the individuals involved. This must happen for proper growth and healing. It cannot when secrecy is maintained. Marriages may end, or the may heal, but whatever they do, they cannot do it correctly without full honesty, so the unknowing bs must be told, for everyones benefit.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by sad_n_lonely: Dr, Harley is very clear on this subject. This kind of secrecy in a marriage is never good.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>B-Bu-But... Hurting Deeply really hit the nail on the head with the POJA... I think Harley would honestly say what HD said... That said, as I said above, I think the BS should tell... but HD is right (I hate when that happens! I wanna be right!! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

)... the POJA if possible first... If it isn't possible, then it's up to you, the BS...

I was told by OW's H. I didn't have a clue before that and I am very thankful that he told me, I know my H never would have.

sad_n_lonely,While I do share your views about secrecy and the right of the BS to know, my marriage will always come before theirs. I will not do anything to consciously create LoveBusters between myself and my wife. I can't go and save someone else at my own family's expense. It's not my responsibility to try and save the OM's marriage. It's his. I admit there have been many times I've wanted to tell her, but most of those times have been out of a desire to hurt him and get revenge. I want to see his life shattered the way he helped shatter mine. It's a conflict, I know. But I must say that it still should remain a POJA issue wherever possible. Remember, we are interested in Marriage Building with our own spouses. (Thanks Nyneve for backing me up! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

).-HD

HD, I recognize the conflict, our own self-intersts (ie marriage) above the common good (and telling is about the common good). Sort of like if our child commits a serious crime, do we turn them in? And let the screwed up criminal justice system decide their fate? Or do we violate the common good and take care of our own (conceal them)? That is always the question isn't it. It is in part philosophical, one can make the argument that if you do the right thing and your marriage suffers, then it was not right (the marriage) anyways. One can argue that doing the right thing always gaurantees the best outcome, even if it does not "feel" like it. Now if we could just find those rules that always gaurantees we are doing the "right" thing........ rumage, rumage....drat, I know those rules are here somewhere, if I could just find them.Of course the alternative is simply to have someone else tell them, guess it does not have to be the BS, should be their own ws anyways for best outcome, and usually will be (according to harley), when it is clear if they don't someone else will.

The only reason any BS would tell the OP's spouse about the affair would be to be mean and cruel and to get the OP back for what the OP did to the BS. It would be sheer REVENGE, and nothing else. I didn't tell OM's girlfriend. By then, they had split up (though he failed to mention the true reason). I didn't like it that she saw him as a nice guy for breaking it of too late, nevertheless, I didn't want her to feel like I did without reason. If she would have been together with him, I would certainly have told her, and would have considered it doing her a favor. Mainly because I myself am glad I know myself. At least I can choose now fully knowing what went on! I assume she would have preferred a similar kind of choice. But that "favor" wouldn't have been my main motive. That would be to save my marriage. Other motives are there as well: revenge partially. I wouldn't want OM to get away free while I am feeling like this. And I don't deny I would have greatly enjoyed making his life hell. But this has not been a compelling enough reason for me to tell his XGF. Now THAT would have been cruel.So I think: while OP is with his spouse I give you this little rhyme:: tell tell tell tell tell. She deserves to know and he deserves the hell. But otherwise I agree it is needless.

I didn't tell the OW's H. I sure wanted to tell him. Yes, partly out of revenge. Also, I do have firm Christian based morals that made me want to tell. I truly felt that he(OW's H) deserved to have the knowledge that I had. I thought he would be able to keep his W in line, possibly. I did tell her(OW) that if she contacted my H at all, I would be at her house with the copies of phone bills to show her H faster than she could bat her eyes. She was pretty afraid that I would show him.A friend of mine pointed out that if he(OW's H) left her(OW) then it would possibly make her(OW) more determined to get my H. So, ultimately, I chose my marriage over revenge or morals. Plus, it would have been the hugest LB in my marriage. It seems that I received advice on this board to not tell, also. Anyway, good thread! Window

HI.Noone has touched upon the reason I didn't tell the OW's husband about her three office affairs. (I have documents that would floor her family and her career.)My h. was #3, but she hadn't ended #2 with "THE BOSS", just added my husband. She had both guys doting on her and alternated days for nooners till they both found out. (Think knee pads in the file room or basement bathroom couch).Here's the reason given to me 2 years ago by VERY WISE friends here who have gone on with restored marriages: It is STILL a good reason two years later.I (the BS), didn't want to do ANYTHING that makes me the bad guy (self-righteous meddler) in the eyes of my h. and the OW. This might have driven them right to each other. She would have immediately called my h. to warn him about her potentially violent husband. My h. would have agreed with her that I was out for revenge and out of control.There are now dozens of people in their profession who know. OW's husband's friends won't tell him, because of his temper.Now, I'm pretty sure she has probably moved on to #4 (another boss) in her new job.She will reap what she sows, but I want it to be in GOD's good timing, when He decides, because He will do what is best for all the many families involved.What I was planning was purely for vengeance, and it would have had repercussions throughout my husbands professional circle, in which he has a major role right now.Instead, we attend functions with our heads high and his arm protectively around me. I smile serenely at dozens of people who cannot BELIEVE that my h. took the high road and confessed EVERYTHING.He RESTORED his good reputation with high INTEGRITY. People he worked with at the old company who have seen how we handled it ADMIRE him for how he came clean.To these people, who we still see at professional and community functions, I look like some kind of pillar of grace and dignity. (I must chuckle- they don't know my fantasies of revenge).---the other way (mayhem a la lizzie), we would have been the gossip of the decade in his profession.Instead, my h. marvels at my Strength and 'CLASS'which I'll take over gossip any day. my five dollars worth,lizzie[This message has been edited by alias (edited July 10, 2001).]

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sadandconfused said: ----------------------------- I too have struggled with this issue. I think the only thing that is keeping me from telling OM's W is that I am afraid of it coming back to me and being a major LB. Also, call me paranoid, but I am also concerned that the only thing keeping this OM from being with my W on a fulltime basis is that he is still married. S&C ------------------------------This is, almost verbatim, my feelings on this. I want so bad to tell OM's W, but it would come back to bite me in the a**. What if she leaves him, then he'll have more time to chase my W! That is what inspires me to not tell her. I've though of sending something anonymous through the mail, but opted not too. ------------------ ...Keeping a stiff upper lip -Scarlet Pumpernickle s_pumpernickle@yahoo.com

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lizzie - I saw your message to me in zen's thread.I cannot refute your argument, above. I can visualize your pride and class. You can make a good argument that you took the high road.I'm not saying one size fits all, here. As Steve told zen - it depends!My view is that more often than not, it's probably a good tactical move to inform the OP's spouse simply because that will expose the affair on both sides, with the possibility that the OP will be motivated to end it. No more complicated than that. Is this a shallow thought process? Maybe.In your case, maybe this wouldn't have been a smart thing to do for the reasons you stated, especially the potential for violence.As I said above, this is a moot point for me personally. My motivation was to air this out for the benefit of those who may need to make this decision. I think it was successful, in part due to your insight.WAT

I am also in the same position of wanting to tell the OW husband that she is having an affair with my H. So I asked if I could tell her husband and was informed of this. 'While you are in Plan A with your husband, which I have been and not quite successful. You should not inform OP spouse. But if you go to Plan B and are ready to accept what consequences come of it, go for it with all the steam you have left.' You will get the pleasant surprise of the OP spouse being thankful to you and confronting his spouse of the affair, or you could get your spouse quite mad at you and say forget it. Or the OP spouse will be hurt so bad that things will not work out for them.I chose with help from counseling to not tell. But the want is there to let her husband know his wife is fooling around again. My Husbands OW is not going to tell her husband. I think this is deceitful and unfaithful to her husband. She is not going to marry my husband, she is committed to her husband (according to my H). She is staying in her marriage with this awful history locked up in her head. One day she could be in a very severe accident and have head injuries. Then all the guts come spilling out. What would her husband think. I worked in a closed head injury rehab. facility. The things that come out of those peoples minds are incredible. The inner core comes out and boy would her husband have his ears full to hear all that she and my H did together. But this is her life and she can run it any way she wants being unfaithful to her husband or not.My H is ending his affair with her. According to his statement last night. But I feel he is hurt by her not telling her husband, and I don't see what he sees in a person that would do this unfaithful thing. I hope he does not think I would do such a thing. I have been quite honest with my husband during our marriage and will continue to be to show my husband that I care and love him. I love you H, and hope one day that you will love me.

After Dday, I debated about calling OW's H - I decided not to because 1) I was afraid he would "kick" her out and then she would be more "available", 2) I feared he might go after my H (I didn't know OW's H and what his reaction could be), 3) Did not want their children to get hurt like mine did, 4) the LB factor... 3 mon. later I discovered contact...H sent no contact letter. OW im'd me few weeks later - told me her H knew all about the A and that they were working on their m, yadda,yadda.. About 3 mon. later - another discovery of contact(would this be 2nd or 3rd discovery???) - I called a number on H's cell, and yep, she answered! I then was subjected to another full battery of her lies - she had not seen my H in 8-9 months(I knew better!), that my H was paging her and would not leave her alone, that her H had had a revenge A and started describing all of the feelings she was feeling - racing heart, etc(the nerve of her!!), etc!!! SO, in my anger I called her H thinking he already knew - I wanted to find out if he knew they were still in contact. WEll, he did NOT know about the A!!!! More of her lies!!! She had told her H that this guy(my H) had been pursuing her, that his wife(me) had found out and I went psycho, was calling her, harrassing her, blah, blah!!!!! At first he was in complete denial and shock, wanted pictures as proof, which I do not have, but I started relating all of the evidence: emails, charges on credit card,dates, phone #'s, etc. I found out some very helpful info: he asked if my H traveled on business a lot - he doesn't - well, his W went on a lot of weekend "business" trips(hello??? is this guy naieve or what???!) and he described a man she had boarded a plane with(not only was it not my H's description, but it was also a weekend my H and I were out of town together). So, from his info I was able to deduce what I had long suspected - that OW was having multiple A's, and probably had been doing so for quite some time. IT helped my H see what kind of person she really is - she also pulled a couple more stunts which helped reveal herself... However, she is an accomplished liar and managed to convince her poor H that there was no A and that I am a psycho!!!!(can you guess how I feel about that woman!!???)Sorry for long story - in retrospect, I wish I had called her H a little sooner, maybe... yet, when I did call, H was not angry at all, he understood. I am glad I called because it validated OW's deceitfulness and manipulations... Yet, it didn't convince her H that she was having an A...So, yes, I would call OP's spouse...especially if there is continued contact...

Well My H OW wrote her H a letter and gave it too him (over christmas!) explaining how they (my H and she) had been on the road (this should not have happened as H was on state business) and discovered how much they cared about each other, that she did not want a divorce, just to carry on with my H and continue to live at home etc. My H spared me and did not tell me till after christmas. And everything was going along as they (although I think more she) had planned until I 'started dragging my heels'. She honestly thought I was going to go along with it! Boy...I'm french canadian, lebanese, and scottish; there is enough hot blood here to scorch anything that gets in my way.As for telling, I guess it depends on your motivation. If it is for spite, don't do it. But I do believe that they should be informed, ideally by their own spouse. As stated before, maybe you can tell OP that you will inform if they don't. As for a LB...well I have some issues with the Harley's and some of their ideas. The principles are very good, but there are some that I do not agree with, but that is just me. Is it a LB, well maybe, but sometimes it takes one to get the reality in motion. Just my opinion, but I would have found a way to get the job done.

I agree to an extent. To tell the OP spouse would be a kick in the butt. As for my H OW not telling her husband, she wants it to be kept a secret. She expresses to my husband that she wants to continue on with life like this never happened. Reality needs to be known to this woman, deceitful and unfaithfulness is not acceptable. But I have promised my H I will not tell, until a agreement between us two is made to notify the husband of OW that the affair happened. I don't know how anyone could live life knowing an affair occurred and wants to continue on with life like nothing happened. I could not live and enjoy life according to our Lord. It amazes me she would even ask my H to keep all the stuff they have together a secret from me. This is not a thoughtful person talking, it is a scared rat running away.

Steve Harley told me to tell...Not out of spite, but out of fairness to all involved...

A GoodGuy - it is interesting that Steve Harley advised you to tell in fairness to all. I wonder why there is such a difference in opinions. I would rather do Steves quest than what I was told. I guess I am doing in out of revenge and fairness to her husband. I have to admit I do not like the OW at all. And my dislike has increased with her ability to keep my husbands affair with her a secret from her husband. Her husband should know that his wife is messing around (this is her 2nd affair). Maybe she is afraid of what her husband will do because of the previous affair. Maybe she is scared what all her friends and family will say. I don't know why she thinks just forgetting about it will make every thing better. I could not live with myself under those conditions. I could not face life every day and know that this deep secret is hidden in my mind. Also, the honesty to her husband is not there. How in the world does she think she will regain her marriage if the honesty is not there? I think she is not quite mentally there, or there is something seriously wrong with her. My husband says she is a fine person, yes maybe, but I think there are some screws that need to be tightened. The Lord knows what she has done, she professes to be a christian. She must have that guilt on her mind all the time. She is a grandmother to 2 little girls, how does she think she is going to protect these little girls from a grandmother that is dishonest and disloyal. She has to know that the truth will come out sooner or later. I would rather get it out on my own will then to have to say, yes I had an affair and I am sorry that I didn't tell you. Having it told to her husband by someone else will just put more angst on her husband.

Hello everyone,I am indebted to the OW H, because he is the one who told me. My H had been carrying on an EA at the time (so I thought)and denied, denied denied constantly that it was a PA, that I was crazy for suspecting, ruining his life, etc. My H also said that he would have never told me, either. Knowing that I was correct has restored some of my sanity and self esteem. So, yes i think that the OP's spouse has a right to know.

Ok, WAT and I usually think a lot alike, but in this case we disagree.First I'll say that I do think that there are exceptions, but as a general rule, I do believe it is the OP's responsibility to tell their spouse. Not that these people are usually of such a character as to do it, but it is still their responsibility.Secondly, I am very trained to keeping confidential information, and I've learned over the years that breaking confidences always results in the destruction of the credibility of the person who squeals.If the affair was basically public knowledge and the only poor person that didn't know about it was the OP wife, I would tell. No doubt in my mind. But when the whole thing has remained quiet, I don't think it is my place to go and tell the other person's spouse because A) I would be doing something that person's spouse should do (he and his marriage are not my responsibility) B) It would, in the mind of the "lovers" simply prove to them that I am a mean vindictive [censored], just like my WS has been saying. (Not to mention the fact that such a motive WOULD be in my mind, no matter how hard I tried to keep it out). C) I also think it would unwittingly help the OP deflect his own culpability and blame me for his own troubles, giving him more ammunition to alienate my WS from me.Ok, not the most solid argument I've ever made, but one that does make sense to me. I should also add that in my particular case, I believe that my OP is capable of violence, and although I'd like nothing better than to go one on one with him, with my luck, he'd either shoot me, or somehow I'd be the one to end up in jail [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Ish

My D-day was April 25. I snooped in his email accounts. The first call I made was to my husband's mom. The second call was to OW's H. I didn't have MB at that time to guide me, but even today I still think I would have called him...especially since I knew him.But, overall, I think it is an individual choice...Cali

[This message has been edited by jdmac1 (edited August 04, 2001).]

sad-n-lonely, I am thrilled to hear my very own sentiments expressed on this topic of telling the OP's spouse. My H committed 14 acts of adultery beginning 13 years ago. If only one of those people had told me, oh how might my life had been different! We have one more h to tell and are waiting until we move to do so. I can't protect my H from his mistakes and do to someone else what has been done to me. This man needs to know the truth about his marriage. The only exception, I can think of is in the case where OP is psychotic and may hurt the BS.

And, God, knowing d*** good and well that Able lay in a bloody heap on the ground, the victim of his brother's jeolosy, said to Cain, "Where is Able, your brother?" And Cain responded, "How the heck should I know? I am not responsible for my brother." But the fact was, he was.After rereading this thread those of you arguing that telling the OP's spouse is the right thing to do are changing my mind. I'm not totally there yet, but there were at least 2 people who had strong suspicions of my W's affair before I discovered it. Would I have wanted them to tell me? Yeah, no doubt. It might have even stopped it before it became physical. And then, I can't get that simple, yet stunningly profound ultimate guide to human behavior out of my mind, treat others as you would have them treat you.I thank you for your instruction, and I believe that you are right - the general rule should be to inform the OP's spouse. My previous arguments seem pathetic when I think of it this way.Thank you again.Ish[This message has been edited by Ishmael (edited July 17, 2001).]

I've been bouncing in and out of this board for about 2 years and this question pops up fairly regularly. The real problem with telling the OP's spouse is you can only be sure that 1 of the 4 parties involved has any bit of nobility about the truth. That would be you the BS struggling with the decision. In most of these cases that I've read about, you the BS have no idea what the other BS is all about or who they are. I think for those of us who choose to contact the OPs spouse, we should really learn to manage our expectations of what reveling that information will do or gain. My experience is that it is a huge LB and stress generator no matter what your WS has said or agreed to. As much as it might seem like a good idea, odds are the OP will concoct a story to cover their own a$$. We're not talking about folks who consider honesty a cherished virtue here. Try this tale that the OP might spin. It was written from a past post of mine where someone wanted to give the OP a time limed ultimatum to disclose their deeds to their spouse.*************** Dear wife, I know this woman from xxxxxx and she has a lot of problems in her marriage. She once told me that her husband is a _________________ (pick one or more: Drug user, alcoholic, violent, abusive, crazy, sexual predator, suicidal). A few weeks ago she said that her husband was crazy jealous thinking she was having an affair. I really was just trying to be nice by listening but not get involved, but yesterday this lunatic called me and threatened me thinking I was sleeping with his wife. He said he was going to contract you if I didn’t break it off. There's nothing to break off so I don’t think anything we could do anything to make him go away. I'm really worried about you, who knows what this guy could do. Has he tried to harass you? I don’t know what we should do other than maybe get a restraining order or have the police talk to him. I can’t believe that this is happening to us, I was just being nice to someone who seemed like the needed someone to talk to. ************* If she doesn't know anything then whom will she believe? The person she has trusted her life with or the drug using, alcoholic, violent, abusive, crazy, suicidal, sexual predator that just called her. If you feel she must know then do it directly. But even then expect that a similar tale will be told.I'm telling you this from experience because I was made out to be an alcoholic, violent, abusive, crazy husband after the fact. What's even more amazing is the OMs wife told me that this was the OMs second affair that she knew of and I sent her emails that I found on the wife's computer. Hard core evidence. The OM did eventually come clean about the 1st 6 months of the affair. (the point I contacted his wife). Amazingly enough blamed me for causing it because he was just trying to be the night in shining armor to help a friend and got too close. Then he continued to carry on with my wife for at least another 6 months, claiming to be a better man and had learned his lesson. I've often contemplated letting OP wife know about the latter six months, but what would I be accomplishing? So the best I can tell you is this is a high risk/low success maneuver. Might even drive your spouce farther away. You know they seem to get real upset about the concept that we are meddling in their private life and all.

up at request of gdc

Thanks WAT,I feel as though I have to give my take on it. And that is each situation is dependent. In mine, my W said was was controlling and by me telling the OM W now would be considered controlling in her mind. Steve H. gave me the advice not to tell. Now, in hindsight, I proabably and wish now that I would have told OM's W back when I first found out and hired a lawyer and all. I mean while I was LB'ing I shoulda, coulda, woulda got my money's worth. That would have been ideal. But we all can't live in that 20-20 world and we have to live in today. With all that has passed and in my Plan A that I have discussed with Steve, I can't tell right now.GC

GC - that seems like a reasoned conclusion. I would have done a few things different in hindsight, as well - I imagine we all would.Someone in this thread above postulated - maybe at Steve's suggestion - that IF the OP's spouse doesn't know at the Plan B decision, then that's another opportunity to tell to minimize the LB.WAT

In my opinion, do it, but do it anonymously or have a close friend do it. Drop a letter in the mail or just call to plant the seed. Don't give any info that can be traced back to you. Just enough to get the OP's spouse curious. Something like "check your H's cell phone bill" or "ask your W who Jerry from work is". Let them do their own snooping. Odds are that no matter how cautious a WS is, they have either confided in someone about the A or slipped up. Giving the OP's spouse a "nudge" may help them see the signs they weren't seeing or were oblivious to.sad dad

I would mostly agree that if the information was coming from a close friend then it might be justified. I did have 2 very close friends who asked me if I believed something was going on with my WS. Although it was after I already knew, I thanked them for their concern because they were trying to protect me in the only way thought they could. I believe that comparing the information coming from a close friend as opposed to the other BS is like comparing apples to oranges. The only thing they have in common is that they are round and hang from trees. If the person you would like to inform of their spouse's affair is not someone who you would call a close and personal friend, then the odds of your contact being viewed as a means to protect them is slim at best.My view of the MB principals is that WS are not really running to someone (OP), They are running away from someone (us) and the only way we can truly change that behavior is by changing ourselves (Plan A). Because changing the dynamics of the OP's marriage will not change your WS thinking about you, even if your involvement goes undetected. Yes, it will stir the pot and maybe just possibly cause a slight hiccup in the affair. Unfortunately you have no idea how the other BS might react, you can not possibly think that they are instantly going to start to Plan A their spouse. That’s the road less traveled by our societies standards. Odds are that the other BS will either kick them out or demand that the affair end and believe it or not, the latter is the worst for you as a BS. If you have not made your marriage a safe haven for your spouse to return then the latter of the last two options will likely only strengthen the bonds of the affair. Think about it, that's the stuff that all the timeless love stories are based upon "the love that can never be… but can not be denied"Nowhere in the MB Plan A doctrine does it say to start meddling in your spouses private life. Try to think about it in terms of pre-marriage dating and courting days. How did you go about winning over a mate? What does it look like to a potential mate when a pursuer tries to win them over by becoming involved in their relationship with other potential pursuers? Looks manipulative and controlling. The best way to win someone over was to put your best foot forward and let him or her see the qualities that make you the "ONE". Anything less has little chance of surviving.What makes this concept so hard for BS's to swallow is we mostly have forgotten this mindset as time goes on and our marriages have become complacent. We've forgotten that we need to give our spouses a reason to want to be at home every time we see them. In other words we are in shock because we expect them to always be there no matter what we do or how we act and that shock is just another way of understand how much we have been taking them or granted.So think long and hard at what you hope to accomplish by telling the other BS. Adding heat and pressure to a volatile mixture only increases the chance of ignition.

wellllllllllllllllllllll, my .02My sister hinted at not allowing me and OM alone. When i look bakc at it......damn it was obvious. I am quite the [censored], she was my friend and the OM was her husband. so anyway, right after the EA wne PA, i was sooooo upset with myself that i allowed it to go that far i called my sis again (not knowing she had already put a bug in OM wife ear, (some sis) and told her what happened and the next thing i know, she is called my H to find out what he thinks, she calls her H to find out what is happening...OM calls me and we make up a story. (liarssssssssss)soooooo, the next evening she calls me crying, i told her part of the story and she now ofcourse HATES me, she left OM wich then left the doors wide open for more Affair crap.i will say it made us call it quits for about 9 months after she found out.id say YES tell....because if all know......then it will quit sooner.mercy

HI, I apprecaite your insight and it makes sense to me not to tell. It might make the affair end but it would me a huge LBGC

I was informed by the OW's H. Best thing that ever happened to me. Why? Because my H had already told me he wanted a divorce, absolutely destroyed my self-esteem in the process (he wasn't happy and it was my fault), had got me to agree (verbally) to pay half of his credit cards and split two loans with me. All were in his name, not mine. I would've kissed his butt forever to get him back.Once I knew about the affair, all bets and agreements were off. I got everything I wanted, and only had to pay one credit card. Trust me, you'll never know if you're doing the OP's spouse a favor or not, but they do deserve to know the truth. Personally, I thank God everyday for the OP's spouse. He literally saved my sanity, my self-esteem and my financial and personal future.

Oh this is a good one.I informed the OM's wife last week. I went against the recommendation of my psychologist against the wishes of my WW but I followed my instict which has always been true to me.First off, I am not advocating that there is a definite answer to this question. I truly believe that it depends on the individual and the circumstances surrounding their particular situation. I will say that I am absolutely positive that I did the right thing.When I spoke to the OM's wife I felt extremely nervous because I knew what kind of pain this could cause if she was not aware. Well it turns out that she was not aware, despite the fact that the OM told my W that he had already told his W (gotta love it..the WS's are even lieing to each other). It also turns out that this is a pattern for the OM. He has done this in the past (this was also something I would have bet big money on). She then told me that it was even harder to hear it the second time. I told her how sorry I was for her and her children. She said she would much rather know than be in the dark with just a suspiscion.This was something that I did with full knowledge of the potential consequences, but at the time I was literally at the end of my rope. The lies and deception would have to come to an end on both sides and that was the one thing I had control over.My choice.....make the call.
What should you do???
That's up to you......WW4L

^

Well, I saw someone bumped this thread back up to the top, so I thought I would offer a few comments, coming from the opposite p.o.v... hopefully, it is welcome here... I am still lurking on MB as a refugee from TOW until our site is back up, so here goes:

I was married when my affair began many years ago. When my ex-husband finally discovered what was going on, I moved out for a sort of "trial separation," if you will... & if I were asked to point to one single reason that the separation ultimately becoming permanent, one single event that led to the eventual demise of the marriage itself, it was who & how my ex-husband chose to tell afterward. I never was able to get past the anger I felt at him for that.

My parents... my bosses... & my friend's wife. It was probably on CNN, for heaven's sake.

If my ex hadn't done those things... I don't know... it wasn't a terrific marriage anyway & he was by no means a saint, but I never could look at him the same way again (although I'm sure the feeling was mutual), simply because I felt he should not have taken that prerogative away from me, at least not as it concerned *my* friends & *my* family & *my* coworkers.

Yes, part of it was because of my feelings for my friend, & my not wanting to put him in a tough position with his wife. So I think there is a lot of validity to the concern I read here that it might "turn them against you," so to speak, especially if they are still very emotionally involved in the affair.

But more than that, I am a very private person, & I would have resented my ex making that decision for me under any circumstances. I know very few (if any) of you will consider this a fair comparison, but he had done plenty of his own unpleasant things throughout our marriage, which I chose to never repeat to anyone out of respect for him -- because I did not want people to view him badly, no matter whether there was truth to it or not. I felt it was his behavior, his actions, & therefore, his decision. And I felt he should have given me the same courtesy.

Right or wrong, I think a lot of us feel that way, so maybe keep that in mind. My guess is that my ex hoped it would shame me into returning to the marriage... that sufficient "peer pressure," if you will, would make me see the error of my ways. In his case, however, I would say it backfired.

So that was me. I can understand the belief many of you have that *not* exposing the affair is in some way a silent complicity *in* it... but for me, his telling those people was such a "LB" (if I understand the term correctly) that I resent nothing about our marriage to this day, except that.

My experience, whatever that is worth! Not intending to offend, I just thought the way your spouses might view this issue could be helpful to someone.

SmallCap

I received an anonymous letter in the mail. I was grateful, shocked but grateful.

Funny thing about it--WH thought the OW might have sent it. I don't think so--I believe it was someone who was concerned about WH and trying to be a good friend to him.

I'll probably never discover for sure who sent me that letter, but I am still grateful to whoever it was.

SmallCap - thank you for sharing your point of view. Hopefully you realize that your view will be branded as abhorrent to most BSs, myself included, not for the description of your reaction, but for your reasoning behind it. So be it. We need to see it and attempt to understand. I will not argue with you or flame you because this would diminish our chances of learning more.

I ask others to take this same approach for the greater good. If you want to argue or flame SmallCap, take it to another thread.

[ November 08, 2002, 07:10 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]

WAT -- Wow, thank you for being so gracious.

I posted the other day, also, for the very first time on MB... & was more-than-a-little apprehensive... but that post was treated very graciously, too. I suppose I was hopeful because we do have such good dialogue with more than a few wives on TOW, including some I've seen around here.

I am not the type of person who gets too bothered either way over what other people think of me, so I thought explaining my own experiences might help posteres here take a peek inside their own spouse's brain... I am a big believer that you can *never* overestimate the importance of doing that in a long-term relationship.

Anyway. I read your other post, too, similar to this one but specifically about telling your spouse's family... I do feel so strongly about this issue because of my own experience with that... I did not have a terrific relationship with my family prior to the disclosure of the affair, & pretty much all my ex-husband accomplished was to make it that much more unlikely that I will, ever. It didn't save our marriage, it didn't help him much, I don't think, it didn't end the affair, it just drove a wedge further between myself & certain people in my life. And I know that most of you would define any & all affairs as wrong, but even then, I'm not sure that two wrongs (in my view) make a right, y'know?

You asked in your other post what factors determine whether or not this is a good decision. These are my thoughts:

Even more important than *your* relationship with your spouse's family, I think, is *their own* relationship with their family. Because if there is not a strong, healthy relationship there in the first place, I think it's likely that involving them can backfire.

Another factor, I think, is the personality of the spouse -- I am a person who tends to dislike authority of most kinds, & in fact, reacts to peer pressure in quite an opposite way. (According to my father, the best tool for raising me as a child was reverse psychology!) So. I'd bet it's the same rules as those about intervention -- because that's basically what this is, in my opinion -- certain people respond well to that technique & others don't, & that's often a function of their social style.

The other factor (at least in my case) is the degree of privacy the spouse usually wants -- & I'm talking in *everything*, not just about the affair. I know you see it differently, but as I said, what I considered to be an invasion of my privacy in this case would have driven me away from a partner in almost any situation. Everyone has a list of those "deal-breaker" items that they cannot get past in a relationship, & that happens to be one of mine.

So those are my thoughts, which I really do intend to be helpful. I am not sure that what you're asking is right in all cases or wrong in all cases, but those are some of the things I would take into consideration.

SmallCap

Just about a year ago I told my xMM's W. The EMA was over and she had known about us for a long time. I'm sure that she didn't know all of the details but there's no question that she had a strong inclination.

With encouragement from another BS I sent her a letter and laid it all out. Then later when he contacted me I called her directly.

This much time later I wish that I hadn't. It was a selfish thing to do and their marriage was/is none of my business.

I was emotionally addicted to my MM and needed for his to stay away. Neither one of us could accomplish that on our own. Involving his BS got the job done, but at what cost. Looking back I think it was cruel and unnecessary to contact her at all. What happened between us was between us. I would think that just suspecting was painful enough. Giving her fact and details was an uncaring thing to do on my part.

At the time I took the action I did believe that it was what was best. She did deserve to know, but I don't think it was my job to tell her. PLUS telling her didn't keep him away from me for that long. Sure it pissed him off. Sure it caused him trouble at home. It didn't make him hate me the way i'd hoped it would.

I feel like she has been treated unkindly by him and then also by me.

As a living ammends to this woman I maintain strict NC with the 2 of them. So far so good.

There was no way-ethically-morally-humanly-if I could find the OW H (which I did find him quite simply)that I couldn't tell him that his W was having an A with my H. My ONLY reason was someone else should NEVER have to live a lie like I had been. When I told my grown son, what was going on- he figured it out immediately and told me where they lived-I walked right up to him-we were complete strangers at that point-assured him I was not a psycho- but a strong Christian woman and that I had a sad thing to tell him- I had no real idea if he knew already but I doubted it. He was shocked- sad-sadder- and MAD as a hornet. but never mad at me. now later in this chat I found out he had just returned from his fathers funeral- bad day x2. Since I didn't know him- I sure didn't know that fact until I asked why he was home and so dressed up in the middle of the day. ((I met him at his childs bus stop-literally on my own street)) MY H had a COMPLETE fit that I had told his OW mate...((I told my H immediately that I had been to see the OW h))....ONLY then did other ramifications of my telling start to sink in. I would not change what I did. Now we all know what we are dealing with- and now I find that the OW is really suffering........well there is a bonus I hadn't thought of. I pray for them- they are NOT where we are-putting it back together-but maybe one of them will cave in and GET REAL...hes mad/shes arrogant...meanwhile.....I have many counselors-and they ALL agree-even the ministers! that I did the right thing by OUTING the A.

This topic is applicable to me today because I need to inform the OW's H. Three weeks ago (10/28), my WH ended all contact w/the OW and was very confident in his decision to do so. I called the OW (left a vm for her at work) confirming that my H had shared w/me their conversation in detail, that we were committed to MC and working on our R and I expected her to respect that. I told her I was giving her a gift by not telling her H - but the 1st time I discovered any contact, I would not wait 5 seconds before contacting him.

Well, yesterday I discovered her # as an incoming call on my H's cell phone. I confronted him immediately (he had promised to tell me if she contacted him) and he said she had called to see "how I was doing, if I was still working on my M, and if I would agree to see her". He promised me he told her no and that he was definately still working on his M. She (supposedly) is also in MC. I have been monitoring my H pretty closely since the N/C agreement so, since I have not seen or felt they have had contact, I chose to believe him. Of course, this means that I have to follow through and share info with the OW's H. Since I am a kind person, though she deserves everything she gets, the prospect of shattering the world of someone I don't even know...is very difficult. Especially with the upcoming holidays (they have 2 small children).

She needs to be focused inward on her M in order to stay out of mine. Also, It is more difficult to monitor my H's actions while no one is monitoring hers. Wish me luck!

This thread is very very long and I read the first page and the last page as it was started when I was still blissfully (?) unawares of my problems. So I don't know if this was dealt with on pages 2-4 so here goes...
What if there is no OP spouse? I believe my WH told me she is dating her XH again. I don't know this person at all but I wonder if he should be told. If he is really thinking about getting back together with her, he should know that she was emotionally and physically involved with OMM during their dates. OOPS, I think I'm getting po'd here......
Anyway, I think I'll just deal with my own problems and let him find out himself...
I think I had another point to make but I am just so scatterbrained lately....
It should be Dizzy Blonde.
DB

2Success:

Don't know if you have talked to the other BS yet...But I made the same ultimatum in May. It was broken by FOW several times. But I didn't call. In fact I ended up telling her I wouldn't.

But let me say this that this topic was just discussed bw FWH and myself last night. I would have wanted to be told by anybody and not live a lie. In fact FOW H intercepted an email from my H at the beginning of the A and was going to call me...but OW was able to excuse it. Anyway I am sure he has had suspicions all along. And it didn't stop the EA becoming a PA several months later.

But this is what I decided many months ago..the woman will always live in the prison her decite has made. She doesn't have the courage to lay it all out like my H did (he confessed; she got pissed) and by my telling her H I let her out; I am doing her a favour. The best revenge is that she will never NEVER know the beauty of true and lasting love, she will never now the joys (despite all the pain of the last month/year) that I see in my M. I will not give her that gift by outing her former A with my H.

I hope that you know that you don't have to tell the other BS. That she will be living the fear of that for the rest of her life. Our FOW doesn't know if she wants to go to the Xmas party because she fears running into me and her H running into us. Imagine 'living' like that!!

Just something to think about.

A_Grace- Thanks for your thoughts. I will certainly consider them. Just knowing that she will wonder when/if I will tell her H would be a bonus. Sharing this information with the OW's H is not exactly something that I would relish doing....

A_Grace - you provided an interesting angle for others to consider. By NOT telling the OP's spouse, but showing the willingness to do so, could represent a continuous, nagging worry if not a time bomb. You would have quite a bit of power in your hip pocket. (I wonder what you'd have to do to be guilty of extortion?)

A while back there was a poster here who had video tapes of his W and a married OM having sex that he was holding in reserve. Can you imagine that weapon? I remember telling him he was the most powerful man on the planet. Don't know what happened to him or if he ever "used" the tapes.

WAT

[ November 20, 2002, 01:56 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]

WAT;

As you said I have got the power (here that 80s song in my head) I took it back for me. But I did tell her that I wouldn't tell him (back in July). And therefore she felt safe in asking my H how we were doing. The last time I spoke with her she had asked my H out to breakfast!!! She was made bc he did not respond. I lost it then (before I had been calmer than calm when talking with her). Told her that she needed more therapy, and that No Contact meant just that. FWH sent a formal letter several weeks later. Anyway the point is she just will never know if I will go off the deep end and contact her H. And it is for her to worry about.

In truth I do not hate her. I pity her. And she is no longer a factor in my healing.

A_Grace - Thanks alot! Now I'VE got that annoying song in my head!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Not necessarily a bad thing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

FIRST...I did NOT read all the replies, as I just don't have the time today...and there are a bunch. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It's strange, because I firmly believe that the spouse has a right to know...yet, I did NOT tell my H's xOW's spouse. I had several, what I considered, "good" reasons for not doing so at the time.

1. I knew him and their family, I couldn't imagine doing to him and their kids what had been done to me.

2. I wasn't for sure what his reaction might have been, as I feared it might be violent, not only to his W, but to my H.

3. I believed that when we cut off all communication with them, if he didn't figure it out...he didn't want to know. (We spent a LOT of time as a foursome right before I confronted H.)

4. I was emotionally incapable of dealing with anything but holding myself together.

5. I told my H and her that I wouldn't tell. (Part fear of her H, part fear for myself if she became available, part agreeing before I had time to really think about it.)

Now part of my agreeing to not tell her H was that she abide by my H's request of NC. Of course, both of them broke it over the next couple of weeks with phone contact. Later, after my H found closure for himself...she still tried to contact him...it became almost a game as to what lengths my H had to go to avoid her. But, I never seriously thought about going back on my word to not tell her H.

Maybe I was wrong...ok, likely I was wrong. But, in my situation...I feel that I did what was best for me, not what was best for her H.

From another perspective, I would have given a king's ransom had somebody, anybody told me. Yes, I'm a BS. But it also made me an OP's spouse.

I now know that others were aware of WW's infidelity. They were willing to talk behind my back, but nobody came forward with the info. How I wish they had.

So, from the spouse of the OP, YES, TELL EVERYTHING.

LesTIWas:

Who did end up telling you? Was it your S?

just like dazedblonde I have another scenario:

What if the OM's W is separated from him? He filed for divorce in March of 2001 to withdraw it April 2001, but re-filed in December 2001. She apparently abused their two kids and has had several evaluations and treatments (I don't know for what, but I believe it must be psychological). Their financial hearing is in January, 2003, so their divorce may not be final for a while.

Any thoughts?

i have been considering getting everything out in the open with everybody and just read the whole thread (ok i didn't read every single word but almost time to get kids up). H and I are/were friends with OW and her bf. she doesn't know that i know and her h doesn't know, but i'm fairly certain he suspects. i really really really don't want to tell him but to make a long story short we are still around them some and every time i see him all i can think about is that everybody knows what's going on except him. i think what i am probably going to do is talk to her and let her know that my H told me everything (probably an LB bc he told her he wouldn't tell anybody but at this point i'm not really all that concerned about that) and that she needs to tell her bf. i thought about telling her that if she doesn't tell him then i will but not sure i want to say that bc then i would have to follow through with it. so far, she thinks i am totally in the dark about everything (didn't know i was such a good actress).

On telling the OP's spouse. it is not BS or to get even.It is gaining a weapon to end the A! when it's out in the open to both BS's, it makes it harder for the WS's to continue, doesn't it? It sure helped end my H's A. The minute I told her H and sent him proof, she wrote the final ending note to my H. No more contact. Go for it and ignore the BS theory. Is it getting even for hurt? In a way, but the real issue is gaining more of a weapon to end this A. The more who know, the harder it makes it for them to continue their little deceits. LouLou

So WAT what do think about this one?

I’ve contemplated a little discussion on this issue. Hanging out in Recovery I missed this the first time around but it caught my eye today.

For those who don’t know me I’m 2.5 years into recovery and my M is back on track and doing very well. But this topic does still plagues me from time to time. Way back when I did not tell xOM’s, then faience. They married 2 months after my D-day. (Aren’t these things always so complicated)?

In the beginning I wanted to talk but did not tell because it was leverage. I told my W if there were anymore contact, OMWtoB would be my first call. I’m sure a little bird passed this on to him because there were zero attempts at contact by him.

My desire to tell evolved into different forms along the way. At first I felt she had a right to know, and it was the right thing to do. Still my W didn’t want me to and I followed Hurting Deeply’s advice even then. I followed the POJA and since I didn’t have my W’s enthusiastic agreement I again abstained from telling. Eventually it turned to anger and I wanted to tell out of revenge. I wanted his life as torn as mine. I wrote letters that were never sent. Tracked down her phone number but never dialed it. Something inside me couldn’t do it out of anger.

Today it is the one thing I wish I could go back and do-over. With a do-over I would have told day 1. Not for anger, not because it is the right thing to do, but simply because I was given a choice she never had. I chose my W and to work on the M. She was left in the dark and I am the one who left there. Well, me and the OM.

Here it is 2.5 years later and I feel so guilty and embarrassed over this. Yet I’ve decided I’ll never tell her. I mean what do I do, call her and tell her I let her marry a guy that I knew was a creep. Tell her I’m sorry I let him get away with this secret for 2.5 years. Tell her my life is great and hers can be too, Do I risk drudging all the hurt in my life back up. My answer is no.

But for the record, I’m an advocate of telling. Even though I’m a coward….

Oz

Wow, Oz, that really hit home about her not having a choice that you had. Profound.
DB

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by oswald:
So WAT what do think about this one?<hr /></blockquote>Hi Oz - What I think is not important, but since you asked, I think I'm glad I don't have your dilemma. In your case, I think I'd not squeal to OM's spouse after 2.5 years due to the (not overwhelming) consideration that he and his current spouse were not yet married. He hadn't yet made the Supreme promise. This doesn't mean he's not pond scum.

Yes, you'll have to live with your regret. But I believe we'd all do things a little differently if given another chance - especially those of us who didn't achieve our immediate goals.

As a refresher, the point of this thread started in July, 2001 was to air out the pros and cons of squealing to OP's spouse. As we can see, not one size fits all and there is no one correct answer.

Thanks Oz, for contributing yet another twist on a nasty topic.

WAT

This one's a toughie for me, an issue that I thought was behind me but may ultimately be forced into play.

The only people who know about the affair are my WW, the OM and me. I chose to keep quiet in an effort to protect our church from being ripped apart, to protect the children my wife ministered to, to protect my boys, etc., etc. I'm protecting everyone, including the OM, unfortunately. Ironically, no one is protecting me - they continue to talk on the phone in supposed secrecy.

I refrained from telling OM's wife because the ripple effect would eventually cause all the damage I was trying to prevent. Besides, she knows what her husband is - she was his former OW!

But, given the continued deceit and complete disrespect for my feelings, I may be forced to deal the card I didn't want to. It would have to be as a last resort, because the backlash will be felt far and wide and may spell the demise of our marriage. So I guess I have to weigh the options, as I don't want to see any more hurt come of all this mess. If my M is not to be salvaged, do I inflict more damage with a parting shot that will hurt a lot more people, or do the dignified thing and just go away? On the other hand, if my W and I part, I owe it to OM's wife to tell her what happened so she can protect herself.

As you can see, this ain't easy for me. I guess my hope is still that everyone finally comes to their senses and we can all move forward without having to expand the triangle of pain. Like most everyone here, I never dreamed I'd ever be in this utterly ridiculous, senseless and disgusting situation. Just gotta stay positive, be patient, etc., etc.......

[ December 04, 2002, 12:45 PM: Message edited by: shattered in SF ]

Okay, so let's play another scenario. Alot of people on here have said that they want to but are too afraid about what it would do to the M. I have personally am one of these people. But, I have been thinking about telling OW H, however doing so anonymously. Now, some might say I am a coward and maybe they are right. But, at the same time and I am being fair to the other spouse and covering my own a.. too! In my case, I don't have to worry about the OW and my H running to each other because it's a long run. We are literally in two different countries. Some might also say that if my H asks and I deny it then I'm not being completely honest, but hey right now neither is he. He still emails OW and doesn't tell me. He thinks they can just "be friends". But,she has gone on with her life as if nothing happened. So, part of it is revenge, but part of it is also fair to OW H. Opinions, please.

ac,
I feel strongly that if contact is continuing you are very justified in telling. Anything that shines light on a continuing A and makes it difficult is fair play.

IMHO
Oz

Here is another scenerio, I was not the one who told MOW's BIL, who works with my WS, and guess what? I was blamed for it, but the MWH (I don't think) knows it's my WS, she just told WS that someone called BIL and told him that she was cheating on his B. Well, let me tell everyone this, as we knew or know that something was not right in our relationships, I have to believe that they know on some gut level, but some choose not to check it out, or put blinders on. SO for those of us that do find out, and have it proven for ourselves, we take a chance in telling the OP because we do not know if they had put rose colored glasses on in their Marriages or, they knew and were not willing or able to confront for whatever reasons. Now I'm being blamed for something I did not so, as I told WS..IF I would have done that, I would have told them your name, what you drive, where they could find you, everything including your waist size because I would want you to suffer as YOU chose for me to do. But, seeing as I didn't because THAT is not the type of person I am WS, you go ahead and justify it anyway you want if it makes you feel better in the deception you live. Also for the record, I asked him point blank after I caught them and they were sneaking around with EA, I said.If you are so proud then why not scream it from the rooftops and why won't MOW tell her H when he confronted her about it? So, WS you think and do whatever you need to do and blame whoever you need to blame but I'm sure one day you will find out exactly WHAT this is leading to, and I wonder which one of YOU 2 will blame the other first?? Just my thoughts and opinion. So, do you tell, I feel that if there is a chance that you can contract something, or maybe YOUR WS has something and you know they do, what is your choice there? Let them go around STDing everyone they sleep with because it would be just punishment? I just think, that every case is different, and I think it is something that only the BS knows what to do for all of us have the same but very different circumstances surrounding our WS's Affairs. Do you understand what I mean?

[ September 17, 2003, 08:25 AM: Message edited by: still forever hers ]

Good post Still, as you made the exact point I was trying about when the other BS chooses to accept or not accept that their WS's are capable of such things as I see your WS's OMW chose to resort to listening to her WS, and I'm sure if the truth came out she regrets wholeheartedly. I knew that someone would tell WS's BIL, heck he works at a place that you run into someone that knows you everywhere you go, (federal job). So, I really did not have a chance someone saw them and the rest is history. This is a good thread, so many views and it is clear that everyone has different circumstances. When they say that telling is a major lovebuster, I can agree, but I can also say that having an A is a major, major lovebuster, not to mention what that might lead to in health, mental, emotional decay.

I would just like to say that someone did call me anonymously and tell me about my H A. I don't know if it was the OWH or if she put someone up to it to force my H into a decision because she wanted out of her M. But I do know that it was the answer to my prayers because like many of us. I knew something was wrong but my H was always with me and it was so out of character for him that I just didn't know. When I confronted my H and the OW they both denied it. I was so confused I prayed even harder and that evening I received a call from the OWH and her and they confessed everything. I thank the Lord for being told because it made me realize that I wasn't going crazy and it was early enough in the A that know real emotional attachement had developed, at least not for my H anyways. All contact ended with the OW within days my husband gave up his job with faith that he would find another and we would be ok financially. And with the Lords help we made it t through the storm. I found out that I was the last to know and I just wish that someone had told me sooner because there would have been a little less to forgive.

Just wanted to share my experience

The OM’s wife calling me and telling me about the A was the best thing in my situation. I shiver when I think about what could have happened if I never found out. Once the A was taken out of the darkness it was only then that my wife and I could truly give our marriage a chance. I think she (OM’s wife) probably did it more out of trying to sabotage the A than feeling compassion for me. but it worked. If I ever see her (never met her) I will thank her for exposing this thing.

But on the other hand I agree that every situation is different. I have read about some of these situations here. I would take into consideration whether it could draw the WS’s together out of sympathy ,guilt, especially if they are in the deep fog. My wife though still in the fog at the time made her decision to work on our marriage pretty quickly. She came clean with the details pretty quickly too. I talked to the OM’s wife a few times and I do know that he was lying to her ( by omission)about what exactly went on and how deep they were into it and other things. I still wonder to this day if he really came clean with her or just told her as little as she needed to know. There was a time when I was afraid that she might call to compare the details ,I didn’t want the whole thing to blow up again because my wife told me everything.

About ten years ago I found out my friends GF was cheating on him, the evidence was overwhelming and I told him. I cared about my friend too much not to tell him and I know it was probably one of the best things to happen to him. He dumped her (she was a major flake) and ended up with a great woman who he is marrying this year.

In closing I just want to say again that in my situation being informed was the best thing that could have happened to me. I don’t agree with the people who advise never to tell and I don’t agree with the opposite

I did not tell the OW's husband about the A ... I had my WS confess to OW's husband when we met him in a coffeeshop. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

My H and the OW's H were friends and boyhood neighbors.

I would never respect my husband again if he did not confess to his friend the terrible injustice he had committed.

My H began to respect HIMSELF a bit that day. An act of courage and honor is a great way to begin re-building.

It was a step toward healing. I simply refused to be married to him if he did not "take it like a man."

I'm not willing to be married to a man I cannot respect.

That's me!

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

[ December 05, 2002, 02:34 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]

I think, bottom line, you have to look at your situation and your internal motivation. If your heart isn't in the right place and you're telling the OP's spouse in order to get the OP into trouble, you might be setting yourself up for disappointment. I had three (or is it four, I forget) Ddays with my FOM... and his wife wanted so much to "get at me." She tried to get her husband to set me up, he wouldn't do it; so when that didn't work, she started calling my husband... "Did you know they were doing _____?" or "Did you know she paid for everything?" (yes, I had already been honest with him about all of that) or "Did you know that she gave him calling cards?".... the list goes on and on. Every time she'd call my cell phone looking for my husband to tel him something new or IM him on the computer, I had to feel a little sorry for her, because I knew that the revenge she wanted she wouldn't get going through my husband. In the end, it made her even more bitter.

My point? I caution you, if you want to reveal the affair to the light of day, that's fine. But do it with the intention of bringing your marriage (and theirs, if you have that much benevolence in you) back to a place where you can begin on the path of healing. If you do it for revenge, I just don't think that you'll be happy with the results... even if it works.

Telling the OP's spouse is like pulling a pin on a grenade and throwing it into the foxhole that is the "fantasy world" of the A.

It is exploding an unpredictable level of chaos and disorder into their neat, tidy self-contained universe where phenominally unrealistic lies like no-one-else-will-know, no-one-else-will-get-hurt, and no-one-else-matters actually sound believable.

That's why it works, or doesn't work, as the case may be. Because you can't predict or control the repercussions. But more importantly, THEY are no longer in total control of the situation, which makes it FAR less appealing, for both of them.

Realistic consequences for poor choices is not revenge. Giving the other BS in the equation the benefit of informed choice is an honorable thing.

Causing the OP suffering and pain is just a handy side effect. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I couldn't bear to read the thread but I will tell you that I wanted to tell the OP's H but my H said no, it wasn't right, it was up to OW to tell her H about their friendship.

On October 1, 2001, I sent an e-mail to Harley who said call OW's H. My H invoked the Policy of Joint Agreement: I won't have any more contact with OW if you agree not to call OW's H. I agreed.

On April 24, 2002, I called the radio program again because my H said he wanted to go to a retirement party where she would likely be. This time Harley said call, and I did and the truth came out to OW's H two weeks later.

I believed my H. I never considered he could lie or cheat. He told me I was being too controlling in wanting to tell OW's H and it wasn't my place. You know what? It wasn't my place. It would have been better if she had but she didn't and he didn't tell me. The truth made the situation look a lot less appealing to both of them.

The only problem is now, more than 7 months after D-day with four children under 9 and a family of origin who refuses to see my H ever again (because he broke my arm when I argued with him about OW last year -- I was naive to think that the horror of having broken my arm would have made him realize he should end contact with OW)

NOW I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN STAND TO STAY MARRIED MUCH LESS MEET HIS EMOTIONAL NEEDS!!

The pain of not calling may be much greater in the long run than the pain of calling. Sunlight is the greatest disinfectant.

I wish that OW had a H to tell. She is single but dumped her BF of 9 years when WH came along.

She was actually the one to call me. Before that I had thought it was over (that's what WH told his good friend - that it was brief and inconsequential)

Here's a link to a similar thread dealing with telling the kids. Would love some input.

On telling the Kids

Thanks,

D.

Interesting,Worthatry.

My exH never talked with OM, his wife, nor have I spoken with his wife. This whole mess went on for almost four years. In a way, I think it would have been better had his wife informed my now exH when she found out about the A. She found out about the A two months before my H moved out, and my exH didn't find out until he'd been out of the house for four months. Perhaps if my now ExH had known BEFORE we separated, it would have ended the A, or he wouldn't have moved out.

I remember one thing that happened, and I only share this to tell you the power of 'fog'. After OM and I had 'been together' for about a year, seeing each other monthly (long distance R) I threatened, during an argument, to send a photo of OM and me to his wife. I NEVER would have done that, it was only a silly threat during a ridiculous relationship's argument. HE said, "If you do that, I'll dump you." Yet I stayed with him. BTW, he didn't move out of his house until a YEAR after his wife found out. As far as I know , they're still married. I'm divorced.

In the end, I'm glad I didn't talk to his wife, nor her to me...nor her to my exH. (OM and exH never saw each other either) I'd still like to apologize to his wife, but at this point it is useless. It ended mid-July, and I found out he was a serial cheater. I don't want contact with him, nor with his wife.

H_P

well I have to agree its a matter of situation-I waited one week before tracking the OW H down and telling him that our spouses were having an A- I was very calm and polite- I knew I was wrecking his world but he didn't take it that way at all-he was grateful to be told and understood my motives-he deserved to know- end of story- someone should have told me. My H had a complete fit- I told him right away that I had seen the OW H for a chat- it took a few minutes for my H reaction to sink in......he was mad that I hurt his OW.........wow- that was a drag but I still have ZERO regrets about telling the OW H- light of day I KNOW has helped me and my marriage-I don't know how theirs is faring-I pray for them but as you sow, so shall ye reap and if he left her,then there is her harvest-she set up the A to begin with and in hindsight I can see where it would have been pain free in her M if I hadn't blown it open to her H.........revenge is not mine but I see how it seems vengeful to her that I told..........oh well- had to be done-I couldn't sleep thinking that I KNEW someone was being betrayed.......her world being wrecked was a bonus I truly hadn't thought of..........could easily have backfired on me-the OW H could have attacked my family- thrown her right into my H lap- I trusted a complete stranger and so far he hasn't hurt me...........good luck to you all- whether you tell or not....but I think light of day is a good thing- all the deceit that went before I found out.....how could I perpetuate more deceit?????????

Tell OW H? Heck yeah! I waited a month after my FWH and I began our recovery...I felt he should know if only so he could protect his 4 yo son she had custody of (her and her H were "working on their M while separated) I have children and would have appreciated a call from ANYONE just telling me to protect my kids from pain...I will be totally honest, it felt damn good to give a little to her what she gave to me tho <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> She will think twice before ever sleeping with a married man i think. Perhaps i did some other woman out there a favor lol. I know she regrets EVER meeting (much less getting involved with) MY H!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Yes, I agree vengeance belongs to the Lord. But justice is a man concept. I say TELL. Put it on the nightly news and let Tom Brokaw tell the world. Put an ad in the paper. Tell.

MTD

^

Well I wrote a letter not only to the ow (who was a friend of mine) but I also wrote a letter to the ow's boyfriend of 3 years. Why did I do this. Because I felt that if I had to feel so much pain, hurt, turmoil and rejection. If my life and my husbands life has been turned upsidedown, then there life should be as well. Revenge....perhaps. Do I feel good about it? Yes and no. The boyfriend contacted my husband and now wants to meet with him. My husband is furious at me now and has not talked to me for 2 days. The boyfriend is threatening me with "serious things" if I continue to blab about my husband's affair with his girlfriend. I want all parties to feel the same pain as I feel, from my husband, to the friend my husband was having an affair with, to the boyfriend who thinks his girlfriend is so sweet and innocent. Yes I am hurt.

If you are looking fo reasons to contact other persons spouse and expose the Affair - JUST DO IT !! Here is why

During the week I finally spoke to OM's spouse. I thought that this would be very awkward and that she would hate me for doing so, but I was very wrong. As it turned out she was trying to contact me but did not know how to. I gave OP's spouse everything that I had experinecd for the last 4 -5 months. As it turns out she was very confused as she too had confronted the OM and my WW, and of course they had both denied everything. I could tell from the silence that I was confriming the worst of her fears although not fully beleiveing me just yet. We spoke for ages and whilst she sounded very confused she was extremely grateful for having spoken to me. She was truly touched / grateful that I contacted her and that I offered to help her in any way that I could. We made a pact to keep our discussions a secret ( for now anyway) because it may allow her the opportrunity to watch her husband lying to her whilst she knows she is being betrayed. She obviously loves her husbnd very much and although she thinks this is his first foray into the world of cheating, sadly I know differently.
Telling her was also very theraputic for me. It lanced a festering wound deep inside of me allowing the infection to seep out so that I could start healing.

I wish that I had taken the advice of so many good folk at MB and contacted her sooner. There is no doubt in mt mind that I would have been in a much better position to save my marriage than I am now had I told sooner. The two of us could have co-ordinated our plans and exerted pressure from both sides of the fence, as opposed to me doing it on my own for so long.
We are planning to keep in contact, but even if she chooses not to, I have done my part and given her the information that I so desperately craved when I first found out. It has also helped me because I knew deep inside of me that I should have told her much sooner, she, as do all BS have the right to know.

YES I do feel better as a result of having told her and for the right reasons. I think it will expose the A to the cold hard light of day!!!

Another benefit of having told is that within 24hrs of exposure the OM broke down and admitted A to his spouse, dumped my WW, and they both started pointing fingers at each other about who started the A. Typical behaviour I imagine. As the that old cliche' goes "There is No honour amongst thieves" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

If you don't want to be the one to tell, then you could arrange for a mutual friend to do it(anonomously if required), but do it. Waiting could cost you the chance of saving your M.

[ October 12, 2004, 05:05 PM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]

I've posted on this thread before but it still amazes me the amount of people who read on this forum, who are coherent in the MB principles that still do not get what exposure is.

Exposure is your trump card. It has nothing to do with revenge. It is your Ace in the hole, a means to take the affair out of secrecy and expose it to the light of day. People crack under pressure, their fantasy world becomes reality very fast when their spouses, family, coworkers and friend know about it. NOBODY wants the whole world to think they are pondscum, so when you expose you take the fun right out of the affair.

And did I say it's NOT ABOUT REVENGE, it's about being human, about giving your fellow human beings a choice. It's about honesty, integrity and caring. It is your responsibility as a friend, as a family member, and as a spouse to give another the benefit of honesty, of living in the light, it's about giving people who have no choice because they are being kept in the dark a CHOICE!

And it's about returning sanity to one who feels they might be insane because they are being lied to, and no longer know what "real" is.

I'd like to verify a couple of Waevers comments from my own findings.

1. NOBODY wants the whole world to think they are pondscum, so when you expose you take the fun right out of the affair.
A) I Heard these exact works from WW. She didn't give a rat's @rse what I thought about the A, but was very concerned what everyone else thought about it.

2. And it's about returning sanity to one who feels they might be insane because they are being lied to, and no longer know what "real" is.
A) This was me. Knowing but not knowing. I thought I was going crazy. Once I told the OP's spouse, she explained the releif that overcame her as she realised that she wansn't going nuts and I could verify most of what she thought but had been denied, THE TRUTH!!!

They have a right to know, as all of us do!!! What they do once they know is their choice, but at least they now have that choice.

When I found out about my WS EA, I will tell you the truth and admit that I wanted to call everyone I knew and tell them. My initial response was because of anger, hurt and yes I wanted them (OW & her spouse) to hurt as much as I was hurting. I haven't called anyone, not that it doesn't enter my mind on a regular basis. I think I would if there was some way that it couldn't/wouldn't get traced back to me. But...since the OW and my spouse work in the same office, there is also the potential that my WS could lose his job, and we just can't afford for that to happen. Their A came to light in Mar. 04, when the OW's spouse caught them. The OW said they would end the A and that she was committed to work on their marriage. All it did was cause the OW & my WS to get sneakier. I wish that when the OW's spouse had found out that he had in fact told me. I would have made other choices had I known all the facts. I was the only one in the dark since Mar. and it continued right up until Oct. when I discovered it myself.

God after reading all of these responses, I agree to tell the OP S. In my case I found out last week and he WORKS with the whore! So they see each other all the time. EVERY gut instinct tells me to call her boyfriend of 8 years and fill him in. I would sleep better knowing I told him too, because who else is going to consider MY feelings? Not him he cheated he didn't give a rats a@@ to begin with. Why should I keep making it easy for her? Why should she be able to continue her little game? HELL NO!! I am also a firm believer in facing things head on and things can't get much worse for me at this point. I have lost so much already. Everyone not knowing makes it sound like it is OK & if I wait for him to tell anyone it may never get resolved.

How am I to believe anything he says anyway. Looking back over the last year I think he told me lots of bullsh&% to CHA (cover his a@@). NO you want to play you play by MY rules now. You made your bed of deciete now sleep in it! In the end it is ME who matters I have a 10 month old child to care for. I need to be able to sleep at night and the uncertainty of not knowing if the BF knows wears me out & I am not going to keep abusing MYSELF for there dirty deed.
TIME TO PAY THE PIPER!