Yea, a tough question.<P>On a recent thread from cybil, Ishmael and I disagree on this issue of s[illing the beans to an unsuspecting (presumably) spouse of OP. I certainly respect Ishy's judgement, but we just disagree on this point.<P>Maybe it's time to more fully air this out. To my knowledge, there is no stated position on this by MB. Maybe this is by design because maybe this is one of those issues that must be finely scrutinized in each case.<P>My view, simply stated, is that a BS has a moral obligation to inform OP's spouse. Otherwise, the BS is further aiding the deception.<P>OK, let's get in the mud (literally) and wrastle. <P>WAT

WAT,<P>What`s going on with you? You mail out your Plan B letter an suddenly we see the Wild WAT. Now its down and dirty mud wrestling? <P><BR>lol<P>Z

I've been struggling with this issue as well.<P>WAT - I have to say that I agree. It's hard on my conscience knowing what I know. The OM's sister has even called me and asked what I'm going to do, and why don't I stop it? Boy, is she clueless. She claims she is holding back the truth from her sister to "protect" her from hurt.<P>On the other hand, telling the OM's W could be off the scale as far as an LB goes... But what am I saying? Maybe I have to take that risk... of course my W would be angry, but maybe this is what I really should do...<P>Tough, tough call...<P>What's Ish's opinion?<P>-zen

OK my morals would have to stand with definately telling the spouses of the OP.<BR>Just a note OW's H was having an affair (before i knew the OW was in an affair with my H) and i told H to tell her of her H's doings.<BR>So be it a bad thing or not or sticking my nose where it dont belong... i think every BS has a right to know whats going on.

I too have struggled with this issue. I think the only thing that is keeping me from telling OM's W is that I am afraid of it coming back to me and being a major LB. Also, call me paranoid, but I am also concerned that the only thing keeping this OM from being with my W on a fulltime basis is that he is still married.<P>S&C

WAT,<P>I believe it says that we shouldn't recruit others against the ws and I think this would be construed as that. I resisted the urge to do this all though I really thought about it. I was counseled against it bby various people. Dr. Laura says its a no no too.<P>On the converse side, it may help. om dumped my then w when his w threatened that he would never see the kids/grandkids again if he took my then w on a cruise. So he dumped my then w. She crawled back to me. She also caught him taking his w to see their grandchildren and she again came crawling back to me only to go back to om.<P>I did finally talk to om's w at one point and told her a bunch of things about my w. Well she must have run right to her h and told him what I said and he must of told my then w and she called me the next and ripped into me so it was a big LB.<P>So I have mixed views. I don't think I would want anyone telling me about spouses affair, but I would still liked to have known.

<BR>I've struggled with this question for a long time - since I first uncovered the identity of the OM. <P>It's my belief that the OM has a moral responsibility to tell his W the truth. For me to do that for him would remove that responsibility from him, and I don't think that's right. I may be wrong. It wouldn't be the first time.<P>I've considered delivering a hint, though. Just a few minutes ago it occurred to me that perhaps I could arrange an anonymous delivery of HNHN and/or SAA to her home. Would my xw consider that an LB? Absolutely. But we're no longer married, and I could easily follow her example and deny contact. <P>--<BR>o2bsane@hotmail.com<BR>

I subscribe to the big mouth theory. TELL!!<P>With my ex-H's first affairs (3) I went to his parents. I should NOT have. But, I did speak to the H of one of the women (he came to me). <P>His last affairs, I told nobody but my own mother... had they had an active H (both were "separated" and H's lived far, far away-- in both cases) I would have found their H's and told them. As it was, I came very close to writing a letter to the church they all attended (Dating Central Church of God)...<P>I don't believe in poisoning the waters though... and karma has a way of coming back on you... but when it comes to the SPOUSE of the other person, I believe you should TELL.<p>[This message has been edited by Nyneve (edited July 09, 2001).]

I think its really a matter of how willing you are to get out of your own comfort zone. Do you tell and risk getting a very negative reaction or do you keep the secret and deal with things on your own and not create any additional issues to deal with?<BR>Being the BS, I will say that I would have appreciated ANYONE telling me. Even though several people knew and decided to keep the secret thus perpetuating this "fatasy world".<BR>I would tell. I would be nervous. I might hesitate. But, there are ways to approach the subject without sounding vengeful. The BS deserves to know and WS really doesn't have a right to that kind of "privacy".....

The only reason any BS would tell the OP's spouse about the affair would be to be mean and cruel and to get the OP back for what the OP did to the BS. It would be sheer REVENGE, and nothing else. <BR>To even SUGGEST that telling the OP's spouse about the affair arises out of some kind of gesture of kindness and justice toward the OP's spouse is pure BULLSH--. <BR>No-one is kidding anyone about what the REAL motive would be. BE HONEST, NOW!!!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by realitycheck:<BR><B>The only reason any BS would tell the OP's spouse about the affair would be to be mean and cruel and to get the OP back for what the OP did to the BS. It would be sheer REVENGE, and nothing else. <BR>To even SUGGEST that telling the OP's spouse about the affair arises out of some kind of gesture of kindness and justice toward the OP's spouse is pure BULLSH--. <BR>No-one is kidding anyone about what the REAL motive would be. BE HONEST, NOW!!!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I am being honest, I promise. I believe the spouse of the OP should be told, and here's why: it helps to end the affair for MY spouse, which helps MY marriage! That's my non-Bullsh** answer.<P>

rc,<P>do you honestly think that a BS would not WANT to know that she or he was sharing her spouse??? I would think of it as more of an act of preservation. How can we fight the unknown? Nothing was happening in my marriage until I realized what had been going on and could take appropriate measures to rectify the situation.

Then there's another side to this scenerio. I most certainly told the spouse of OW#1. Did he believe me? NOPE! She (the ****, *****, *****, add in your own words here), had her H conned so well. My proof, which were various emails, had already been read by him! OW#1 actually showed them to her H, and convinced him that they were all written as a joke to me! To teach me from snooping in my H's emails!! <P>The sad part, is that he believes his wife. I know the truth, my H admitted it to me. The fact that OW#1's H is so dumb so's not to see what's been happening, well, that's HIS problem. He had the chance to do something about his marriage by accepting the truth, but chose to stay blind. And of course, this is allowing his W to be on her merry little way, and do what WS do best... lure, and decieve.<P>When I first told him, was before reading this site. My choice to do so was not based on revenge mostly, but on stopping the nonsense that was going on. Now, the revenge part of me, now that H and I are in recovery, would be for my H to tell OW#1's H that in fact, yes, they did sleep together, on numerous occasions. H won't do it though. He's still protecting her. I HATE that!!!<P>Wow!! That felt really good to get out!! <P>Karen<BR>

Nyneve:<BR>YES, your reason is PERFECTLY honest. That's a damn GOOD reason - to save your own marriage. At least you have the BALLS to come out and SAY IT!!<BR>There are people around here who are trying to be all cutesy-wootsey and pretend that they'd tell the OP's spouse about the affair out of some sort of Christian kindness for the OP's spouse. BULLSH--!

I believe it's a POJA issue between you and your spouse. There can be several variables involved - like whether or not the affair is over, the thirst for revenge, etc.<P>In my case, I did not tell the OM's wife. There are times I wish I would, but my wife ended it with him and is now fully committed to our marriage. What good would it do us now? What I'm interested most is improving my marriage, and me going off and telling her so that she could possibly come after my wife (for being the "other woman") is not going to help my cause.<P>I can fully understand the point made that every BS should know, and I do believe that. I believe that the OM has a moral obligation to tell his wife what he has done. The message should really come from him, not me. I don't know if he will ever tell her - or even if he already has, but it's not going to come from me unless he tries to get back together with my wife again. Then, I probably would tell her.<P>My wife and I POJA'd on this. We negotiated that I wouldn't tell her as long as the two of them stayed apart. I believe things like this should always be negotiated, if possible.<P>-HD

What Jennifer told me was that while in plan A I shouldnt tell OW H. But once I went to plan B I should call him and tell and offer to send him his needs her needs or SAA to allow him to have the best chance of recovery for their marriage. She did warn that I should not get into long conversations with him and even reccommended I have a friend do the actual calling.<P>As for telling being kind... yes I beleive it is . I know I started to doubt my sanity when my H was lieing to me. It is very demoralzing to know something is wrong with your relationship and to be told it is not. Then There are health issues and giving their marriage a chance to heal. So yes, I think telling is OK. Bet you could never get an OP to think of it with anything but horror. After all keeping the secret relationship is what it is all about to them.<BR>Lora

Good, I got the desired responses - healthy debate.<P>For the record, I have no vested interest. OM's wife and I engaged in corroborative snooping from the git go. We both deduced what was happening simultaneously.<P>Ishy, where are you? We need your perspective.<P>WAT

I believe that the BS should be told of the affair. It is not about revenge. It’s about stopping a horrible wrong from going on. If you saw a crime being committed would you at least pick up the phone and call the police. To me the same rule applies here.<P>This is based on my personal experience. In my previous marriage, my husband cheated for most of the marriage. I had bits and pieces of information but nothing concrete enough. It always made me feel unstable, like I was making things up. He took advantage of this and kept telling me that I was imagining things. It was not until after our divorce that “friends” of mine started telling me what they knew. I am so furious that these “friends”. They helped my husband perpetrate a wrong against me by omission. They used the old excuse that they “did not want to get involved.” It is bad enough when one’s spouse lies and cheats, but when most of the people at his work and most of our friends knew it makes one feel like the entire world is working to keep you in the dark.<P>During that marriage I did not do much snooping because I tried to respect his “privacy”. As his wife believed that I had to behave with dignity and snooping was is undignified. I also believed that one day, someone would have the ba!!s to tell me what was going on. Boy was I wrong. At least they told me after the divorce. <P>Like every other BS, I had the right to know what was going on in my life. I had the right to know so that I could then make informed choices as to what I wanted to do with my life. By no knowing the truth, I was being exposed to deceases, etc etc. My emotional state was being played with on a daily basis.<P>This experience has taught me a few things. The first is that a true friend will tell you if they are aware that your spouse is cheating; that others have a moral obligation to tell the BS; and that the BS has every right to snoop (total, radical honesty and no privacy in marriage).<P>Today, if I were in the position of knowing that my spouses’ s OW was married, yes I would tell their husband. Has nothing to do with revenge, or game playing, etc.<P>Might it make my marriage a little harder to save? Yes it might. But then again helping one’s spouse perpetrate a lie is not healthy for the marriage either. <P>Not that I have an opinion on this or anything like that …. Lol<P>Z<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

good reply Zorweb....<BR>I like the way you put things.

I would LOVE to tell the OW's H...but we are 11 months from D day and it looks like she is finally out of our life for good. Why open that can of worms? She is responsible for her own messes...but I hate to see her get off scot free. Her H has no idea