If you are looking fo reasons to contact other persons spouse and expose the Affair - JUST DO IT !! Here is why

During the week I finally spoke to OM's spouse. I thought that this would be very awkward and that she would hate me for doing so, but I was very wrong. As it turned out she was trying to contact me but did not know how to. I gave OP's spouse everything that I had experinecd for the last 4 -5 months. As it turns out she was very confused as she too had confronted the OM and my WW, and of course they had both denied everything. I could tell from the silence that I was confriming the worst of her fears although not fully beleiveing me just yet. We spoke for ages and whilst she sounded very confused she was extremely grateful for having spoken to me. She was truly touched / grateful that I contacted her and that I offered to help her in any way that I could. We made a pact to keep our discussions a secret ( for now anyway) because it may allow her the opportrunity to watch her husband lying to her whilst she knows she is being betrayed. She obviously loves her husbnd very much and although she thinks this is his first foray into the world of cheating, sadly I know differently.
Telling her was also very theraputic for me. It lanced a festering wound deep inside of me allowing the infection to seep out so that I could start healing.

I wish that I had taken the advice of so many good folk at MB and contacted her sooner. There is no doubt in mt mind that I would have been in a much better position to save my marriage than I am now had I told sooner. The two of us could have co-ordinated our plans and exerted pressure from both sides of the fence, as opposed to me doing it on my own for so long.
We are planning to keep in contact, but even if she chooses not to, I have done my part and given her the information that I so desperately craved when I first found out. It has also helped me because I knew deep inside of me that I should have told her much sooner, she, as do all BS have the right to know.

YES I do feel better as a result of having told her and for the right reasons. I think it will expose the A to the cold hard light of day!!!

Another benefit of having told is that within 24hrs of exposure the OM broke down and admitted A to his spouse, dumped my WW, and they both started pointing fingers at each other about who started the A. Typical behaviour I imagine. As the that old cliche' goes "There is No honour amongst thieves" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

If you don't want to be the one to tell, then you could arrange for a mutual friend to do it(anonomously if required), but do it. Waiting could cost you the chance of saving your M.

<small>[ October 12, 2004, 05:05 PM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

I've posted on this thread before but it still amazes me the amount of people who read on this forum, who are coherent in the MB principles that still do not get what exposure is.

Exposure is your trump card. It has nothing to do with revenge. It is your Ace in the hole, a means to take the affair out of secrecy and expose it to the light of day. People crack under pressure, their fantasy world becomes reality very fast when their spouses, family, coworkers and friend know about it. NOBODY wants the whole world to think they are pondscum, so when you expose you take the fun right out of the affair.

And did I say it's NOT ABOUT REVENGE, it's about being human, about giving your fellow human beings a choice. It's about honesty, integrity and caring. It is your responsibility as a friend, as a family member, and as a spouse to give another the benefit of honesty, of living in the light, it's about giving people who have no choice because they are being kept in the dark a CHOICE!

And it's about returning sanity to one who feels they might be insane because they are being lied to, and no longer know what "real" is.

I'd like to verify a couple of Waevers comments from my own findings.

1. NOBODY wants the whole world to think they are pondscum, so when you expose you take the fun right out of the affair.
A) I Heard these exact works from WW. She didn't give a rat's @rse what I thought about the A, but was very concerned what everyone else thought about it.

2. And it's about returning sanity to one who feels they might be insane because they are being lied to, and no longer know what "real" is.
A) This was me. Knowing but not knowing. I thought I was going crazy. Once I told the OP's spouse, she explained the releif that overcame her as she realised that she wansn't going nuts and I could verify most of what she thought but had been denied, THE TRUTH!!!

They have a right to know, as all of us do!!! What they do once they know is their choice, but at least they now have that choice.

When I found out about my WS EA, I will tell you the truth and admit that I wanted to call everyone I knew and tell them. My initial response was because of anger, hurt and yes I wanted them (OW & her spouse) to hurt as much as I was hurting. I haven't called anyone, not that it doesn't enter my mind on a regular basis. I think I would if there was some way that it couldn't/wouldn't get traced back to me. But...since the OW and my spouse work in the same office, there is also the potential that my WS could lose his job, and we just can't afford for that to happen. Their A came to light in Mar. 04, when the OW's spouse caught them. The OW said they would end the A and that she was committed to work on their marriage. All it did was cause the OW & my WS to get sneakier. I wish that when the OW's spouse had found out that he had in fact told me. I would have made other choices had I known all the facts. I was the only one in the dark since Mar. and it continued right up until Oct. when I discovered it myself.

God after reading all of these responses, I agree to tell the OP S. In my case I found out last week and he WORKS with the whore! So they see each other all the time. EVERY gut instinct tells me to call her boyfriend of 8 years and fill him in. I would sleep better knowing I told him too, because who else is going to consider MY feelings? Not him he cheated he didn't give a rats a@@ to begin with. Why should I keep making it easy for her? Why should she be able to continue her little game? HELL NO!! I am also a firm believer in facing things head on and things can't get much worse for me at this point. I have lost so much already. Everyone not knowing makes it sound like it is OK & if I wait for him to tell anyone it may never get resolved.

How am I to believe anything he says anyway. Looking back over the last year I think he told me lots of bullsh&% to CHA (cover his a@@). NO you want to play you play by MY rules now. You made your bed of deciete now sleep in it! In the end it is ME who matters I have a 10 month old child to care for. I need to be able to sleep at night and the uncertainty of not knowing if the BF knows wears me out & I am not going to keep abusing MYSELF for there dirty deed.
TIME TO PAY THE PIPER!