Got your message, but didn't want to intrude on Zen's thread.<P>Your H sounds an awful lot like Robert. He tried to PlanB ME as well. I called his place about 4 times in 7 months. The first few weeks, I had NO IDEA where he was or how to reach him. I needed him once and called his mom to get him the message. Once she figured out what was going on and pretty much took MY side (although she welcomed PT into her home and family as well), she let me send my letters to HER house and Pop delivered them to Robert's work when he came in in the afternoon. I kept them light, funny, worked really hard on them actually. After a while, as I grew stronger, it wasn't so hard to be funny. I ahd a great time writing them. Occasionally I'd reference something in our past (according to MIL, he'd forgotten most everything - was convinced I'd never loved him, etc.) that was funny and had to do with what I was talking about, but not every time. I'd end each one with "I love you and I'll always believe in you", but that was it as far as relationship anything.<P>He provided no support whatsoever (COMPLETELY unlike the wonderful man I'd known all these years and it horrifies him now), so there was no discussion about money. I did contact him once or twice about Kristin, but most everything else was just in the letters.<P>His mom told me he read them and kept them. PT actually FOUND them stashed in his car. He never even acknowledged to me that he received them at all - just once. Until just 2 weeks b/f he asked to talk about coming home and he actually THANKED me for "all the cards and letters, they were sweet." That was it.<P>After a while, he actually told me to start sending the letters to their house - the only time he mentioned them. By then, the fog was starting to lift.<P>He did start calling and coming by eventually and Plan A was in full force. I won't go into my tirade of waht Plan A is for me, but working on myself while he was gone sure made it easier to enjoy his company when he came by.<P>This probably doesn't help a bit. As far as subject matter, sometimes you just CAN'T discuss the relationship, no matter how respectfully you try to do so. Remember, your spouse determines what is and is not a lovebuster; it really doesn't matter if you think it is or isn't. Robert and I talked about 3 times. The night he told me. The night he left - a month or so later. The night he asked about coming home - 7 months later. That's it. Anything more and he would have run hard and fast.<P>Good luck.....this is a tough road, but you can handle it.<P>lori<P>

Lori - sorry to intrude, but I've never told you this - you're an inspiration and I hope to meet you someday.<P>Dave (WAT)

Thanks for your response, Lori. I talked to Frank (and Harriet?) and he was a big help to me...I've just got sooo many questions. I feel like I'm all alone here (well, I AM!!) I mean, I just feel like NO one around me can help, they've not gone through it. MY family is either saying, "Dump the bum" or they are saying "We don't know what to tell ya." It's difficult to keep your chin up during this. He is acting SO SURE this is what he wants to do.<P><B>Your H sounds an awful lot like Robert. He tried to PlanB ME as well.</B><BR>That's funny. My H's name is Robert, too! Yes, Plan B. Just LEFT!! Moved straight in with HER. I know it was all planned. Sometimes I think "If it was planned for months (musta been, he had been to an attorney, and had D papers drawn up already) then he must really have thought it through and know this is what he REALLY wants to do."<P><B> Once she figured out what was going on and pretty much took MY side </B> <BR>My stepson is not really "taking my side" - NO ONE in his family is - they all pushed him to leave and go to her!! His son MIGHT give him the letters, although I have told him I won't put him in the middle. He DID say "he's being pulled in one direction with part of the family, and being pulled in another direction with another part of the family" -meaning my H. I don't know WHO in his family would pull him in "another direction" other than me (or his son). <P><B>He provided no support whatsoever (COMPLETELY unlike the wonderful man I'd known all these years and it horrifies him now), so there was no discussion about money.</B><BR>This is exactly the same situation...my H is normally a very sweet, kind, considerate man. ALthough money is NOT usually high on his list of priorities, but he was ALWAYS there for emotional support and care. This UNCARING, unfeeling ALIEN is soooo scary to me. <P><B>He did start calling and coming by eventually and Plan A was in full force. I won't go into my tirade of waht Plan A is for me, but working on myself while he was gone sure made it easier to enjoy his company when he came by.</B><BR>Yes, I have been working on myself. I KNOW what my sins were in this break-down... I am still reading and learning and hoping that the day will come when I can actually sit down and tell him what I know, what I will do differently, and why we should give this another chance.<P><B>Robert and I talked about 3 times. The night he told me. The night he left - a month or so later. The night he asked about coming home - 7 months later. That's it. <BR></B>[/QUOTE]<P>Goodness! You didn't hear from him for 6 months?!?!? YIKES!! Did you REALLY believe in all that time that he was coming back? I'm not sure I can do this. It just seems like such a long time. I mean, don't they "get on with their life?" Well, my H hasn't yet. His son tells me that his dad "seems pretty normal" and then in the next breath tells me that when he's with him, it's like he's "just going through the motions..." FOG.<P>Thanks for responding back. I hope this is not too much trouble to answer all my questions. I still have tons of them!<P>Lupo

I'm with WAT on this one, Lori. I read every post you write, you're my inspiration. I think knowing you in RL would be an honor.<P>Jo

No, no, no, I heard from him a bit more often. We only talked about US the 3 times or so. Otherwise, it was Kristin or flirting or laughing or whatever! He wasn't ready to talk about us for a long, long time.<P>Hi, WAT, Resilient. I'm not too terrific, just did what they told me to do here! Thanks anyway, love to meet you guys too!<P>Hey, Lupo, while you're working on yourself, don't do it just in terms of being his wife. Take this time to make yourself the person you've always wanted to be. That was MY goal (with help from LIFE STRATEGIES) and it helped more than anything. After a few months, Robert told his mom "I really do LIKE Lori, Mom. She's still Lori, just more somehow." <P>That's what I wanted. Still working on it too! <P>Love,<BR>Lori

Lori,<BR>Just wanted to jump in and say you are the best ever!!<P>You have a HUGE part in who I am today, and who I'm becomming tomorrow!<P>My public thank you to you!!<P>Love,<BR>Bitsy<BR>

Hey Lupo,<P>Just want to tell you that I agree, Lostva is the best role model. I tried to follow her plan and it worked for me too. My H didnt speak to me at all for 4 months, and he still came home after 8 months. <P>If you know you want your marriage and can give it time, then hang in there, keep working on yourself and either way you will come out ahead. <BR>Lora

<B>Just want to tell you that I agree, Lostva is the best role model. I tried to follow her plan and it worked for me too. My H didn't speak to me at all for 4 months, and he still came home after 8 months. <P>If you know you want your marriage and can give it time, then hang in there, keep working on yourself and either way you will come out ahead. <BR>Lora</B><P>You know, you guys are the BEST!!! THANKS!!! <BR>I am definitely working on ME....this is going to sound egotistical here to say this, but basically I like me!!! I mean, I KNOW what it was about in our M that made my H stray...can you say "Not enough affection/sex?"<BR>I admit I was becoming critical of him, too, there toward the end, BUT (not blaming, just the facts), he was becoming distant - DUH!!! He had started seeing HER to meet those all important SF needs. And I did EVERYTHING WRONG to try to hang onto him, including STILL no sex. I know better now. <BR>There is a quote I have posted on my 'fridge: it's from Maya ANgelou (sp?) "I did what I knew at the time. When I knew better, I did better." I like that. I will rememeber it always. No sense beating oneself up (too much!). I am getting better, and becoming a better person, but basically, he LIKED me, He loved me, and I took it for granted that becasue of that he wouldn't stray. I didn't TELL him enough that I loved him. I am the kind of person who figures my actions speak louder? I found out he needs more. I know now - I'll do better now.<P>Your kind words, and taking the time to tell your stories here are like salve for an oozing wound (gross picture, huh?). Anyway, it gives me hope. I know my H isn't any different than everyone else's. I just have doubts sometimes, cause it feels so UNIQUE to go through this!<BR>My H wasn't the kind to EVER look at anyone else...he was (basically) happy at home. His family helped in this situation...his bro and SIL are friends w/OW (H dated her once upon a time, too) and basically told him he could do better and pushed them together. That's where my fear that my H will not/cannot break away is coming from. <P>But I'm trusting God through all this, and believe me, I spend LOTS of time on my face for my transgressions in our M.<P>Again, thanks for all the help. YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST!!<BR> <BR>Lupo<BR>

<B>Take this time to make yourself the person you've always wanted to be. That was MY goal (with help from LIFE STRATEGIES) and it helped more than anything. </B><P>BTW - I'm reading Dr. Phil's book, too!! In addition to about 4 others!!<P>Lupo<P>

Yeah, Lostva ROCKS!! <P>You're in good hands, lupolady!

The dratted double post! <p>[This message has been edited by lostva (edited July 10, 2001).]

You're doing great, LL. Just don't let anything that anyone says or does ('specially your H) deter you from doing what you believe in. Like you already know about Frank and Harriet....it may never be too late unless YOU decide it is.<P>Bitsy, Lora, Sheryl.....AWWWWWHHHHH....I love you guys, too!<BR> <P>Love,<P>Lori