He was rather speechless about my situation.. he thought maybe my H was bipolar, or borderline so. He didn't feel that there was any hope as long as my H was continuing to berate me about the A. He told me to ask my H what he wanted me to do.. I have.. so many times, and he always says "there's nothing you can do." Yet, every single day, he brings it up or makes snide comments about it. He wants to talk to my H.. but I'm not sure he will... but like Dr. Harley said.. if he won't, then ask him "then what?" I was amazed that he didn't ask me a single question about the A.. I just told him what led me to it.. my personality conflict with my H, etc, and he really didn't have an answer for me. Maybe if he talks to my H, something will click and he can figure it out. I'm going to try to get him to.

Leighann:<P>Steve will often focus on the current state of the marriage, as well as planning for the future. While he will use the past to help you learn from the experience---it's more a forward process.<P>I hope that your husband will talk with him.

I told you the same thing.

Leighann,<P>I can tell you from a BS's point of view. I still love my H. I want our marriage to work out. But, I am having a HUGE amount of trouble putting the past behind me. It is very hard for me to forget about everything that has happened. I can't seem to let it go. To completely trust him again. The thought that he could do something that would hurt me so much is beyond my grasp right now. The fact that he was so thoughtless and careless of my feelings is what is holding me back. Acceptance is where I am trying to get. It is no doubt the hardest thing I have ever had to do. <P>It sounds to me like your H is still in a lot of pain. I have heard that it is harder for men to forgive an affair than for women. Why? I don't know. Pride maybe? <P>I wish nothing less than the best for you. I hope that your H will see that you are genuinely interested in saving your marriage. <P>Take care,<P>NM

Newme2001:<P>I understand that.. I really do.. (how long has it been?).. it has been 8 months for us, and the constant attacks never stop.. I know I hurt him, I really do, but I can't seem to make him understand that this is getting us nowhere. I really think you have to come to a point where you say... ok, what is the most important thing to me? If it's your marriage, then I think you have to give it a shot and really try.. if it doesn't work, it doesn't.. but going over and over what happened just holds you in the past and doesn't change anything and doesn't improve anything. You spin your wheels. My H and I just maintain right now.. I try to keep my chin up while I hear his attacks constantly, and keep hoping that in time, he'll be ok. I don't know your story, but our marriage was slipping so badly when this happened.. I made the choice, but he hurt me so much over our entire marriage. I don't think anyone "seeks" an affair- I think that emotions or voids take over, and when someone fills it.. no matter how "false" it may be, the temporary feeling of completeless becomes worth the risk.. later, there's no doubt you realize how horrible it was to be so selfish.. I do, and I have.. and I don't know what else I can do. We haven't been able to completely address what was wrong before because this is in our way, every day. I don't agree that it's more difficult for men to get over.. I think they let it be that way because of their pride. I think so many times that men think they "have" us.. I know my H did.. He said so.. and when they realize they don't, they don't know how to deal with it. Until they look at us as an equal person, I think it will be that way.