I've gone through hell and back and I can't go on anymore. I've given up all hope as to restoring my marriage. She's in the fog, she's in a fantasy land and I now have no hope of her coming out of it anytime soon. I believe she will sooner or later, but it's too late for me. She has no concern or idea of what she has done to me and continues to do to me and our children. I don't want to married to the person she has become. Here's a post I made last week: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010373.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010373.html</A> <P>I was holding on because she was acting like the person I used to know for a few weeks, but I believe she's lying to me about taking her medication and seeing her doctor. She has always believed that she is better at dealing with her problems herself than talking to a professional. What a fool. I hate knowing that our marriage is history without "us" trying to really work on it. Her idea of working on things is just letting things go and letting our problems work themselves out without even facing the problems that cause this mess to begin with. She's not willing to even try. I will be seeing the lawyer this afternoon to re-file for divorce(there were problems with the custody arragement). I don't want to end my marriage, but I can't take this limbo anymore, I cannot watch her go out with other people anymore, I cannot be around a person who gets mad at me for loving her so much, I cannot take this pain anymore, I simply cannot.<P>But my question is what is wrong with people? When you have everything you ever wanted, why is it not enough to be happy? And why must they hurt the ones who care so much about them and have never done anything but love them?<P>We were married for 10 years. 9 1/2 years of it were wonder ful. We were as in love and happy and close as 2 people could be. We always communicated well(until the last 7 months anyway). We NEVER argued about anything. We almost always agreed about everything. We respected each other's opinion. We have 2 beautiful children, raising them has been more rewarding than we ever imagined. We had a bunch of great friends who were all so proud of us and envied us and our marriage. We had the support and love of each of our families. The only real problem I ever knew of was our financial difficulties. This is what cause her to get a job and find her new family(her boss and new friends). We already had so much, we had such a very promising future, once we made more that we spent(both of our faults). I will always regret this. I can't help but imagine how nice it would've been to see our kids grow up having 2 loving parents together. I hate knowing that each child will have 2 different birthday parties. She has decieved me and our friends and family so badly that half of them will not attend a party that she is at, so I will throw seperate parties myself and invite them. I will attend both. She will not of course. I'm sooo depressed right now, yet I see a light at the end of the tunnel, it's when the divorce is final. Unfortunately since I have to re-file, I'm afraid that there will be another 30 day waiting period. Another month of waiting(seems like that's all I've been doing for 7 months now).<P>Now the only 2 things I hope for is my own happiness(of course the children's, they are always first), I hope I will find happiness with myself then with someone else. I want to get married again, it was the happiest time of my life. I look forward to it. <P>But the thing I look forward to the most is when she finally grows up(again) and asks to get back together and I shoot her down. It will be my revenge. I know I shouldn't have this attitude. But it's better than going up to her work and starting a fight with her boss causing both of them to loose their jobs, his wife finding out about his A, and me going to jail. <P>In this seven months of seperation I have shown her that I still love her the same, I forgive her thoughtlessness and I wouldn't hold it against her. Maybe this day will never come, but I believe I know her better than she does, we've been very close for 13 years. And if it never does, I'll be happy anyway because I am now focusing on me and my life and I know I will be happy. I still have 2 children who are my world.<P>This happened before, this is our second time to be married. The first time I blame myself more than her. We were very young and I didn't realize that coming home and watching baseball everynight was a bad thing I hate baseball now. But a few months later we were re-married and were very happy for the next 6 1/2 years. I learned from my mistakes and tried to show her everyday how much I loved her. I think I did a good job, she knows how much I love and care for her and would do absolutely anything for her. Even if that included turning my back on everybody and everything that was important to me. I would have been more than happy to do it because it would've made her happy. But all that doesn't matter any more.<P>Well anyway I will continue to read this site and possibly post again. Thank you everybody for advice and support given, I wish I would've found this site back in Jan. when this mess really started.<P>Thanks again and please someone say a prayer for me. I don't pray anymore(I do encourage my children to have faith and pray, but it's done me no good).<p>[This message has been edited by kb4jb (edited July 10, 2001).]

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last time I promise - up

Hi kb,<P>Just briefly, it sounds like you had a marriage worth saving.<P>It also sounds like your love for her is dwindling away at a rapid pace. Have you gone to Plan B? If not, now is the time. And look at it this way, Plan B is a very last ditch attempt to snap her out of it. Be prepared to walk away, like it sounds you are.<P>It may take some time, but if you did a good Plan A, don't be surprised if she turns up on your doorstep a few months from now. At the same time, don't expect it, and live your life to it's fullest.<P>All the best,

What is it that you really want? To me, you want the divorce out of spite and resentment. But you also want a loving and fulfilling marriage with your W. <P>Which is it? <P>This is going to sound harsh, but sometimes the truth hurts, so bear with me...<P>You are upset because your W is waffling, sitting on the fence, etc. What are you doing? If you are threatening D with her, then you are only validating her actions by doing the same thing as she is.<P>Make up your mind. Choose. Do you want to be married? Or do you want to move on without your W? Yes, it's a tough decision. But you have to make it. And then move forward from there.<P>It has been suggested to you to go into plan B. From what you have written in the past few days, that is where you need to be. Look at it as a way to both save your marriage AND have a divorce.<P>I think it is great that you are venting out on here. Far better here than to your W. Keep in mind, that many of your actions and reactions seem to have been sparked from emotions. Work on that. Allow your logical side to take over some. It will make your decision easier.<P>Take care,<BR>Karen<BR>

kb4jb,<P>I sympathize with you and I ditto - what is wrong with people? Why do people promise to love/honor, etc., then run away do the A thing - hurt the one they loved - it is obscene - it is pain - it is hurt - it is horrible.<P>Those are the words I can give you - listen to this one - my marriage 14 yrs, 2 kids, EA d-day June 9-14, 2000. SF nil for about the last 5 years (yep), and it hurts like hell. My H has no desire. Finally found this out with discovery of the EA (family friend - b i t * *). Within the last month, one tiny bit of prospect but I LB'ed - so took him out of the mood - maybe tonight. In Nov 2000, I was in so much emotional pain I was ready to leave - I know all about the emotional pain. But I am still here, hanging in with him.<P>Maybe a return to the principles, and work on your Plan A some more. Sometimes the fog, withdrawal, depression takes some time. I worked through the fog and withdrawal from last summer. He is starting to hold me more securely now.<P>Maybe a promise for you? Resentment of a divorce can be worst - what about the kids later? Have you read many books on aftermath of d. with children?<P>Now much else to say, is it too much to say, good luck, or rethink where you are at - aftershock

I have to agree that you sound like several chapters of the book all in one sentence....you love her, but youre angry, you want to save the marriage, be married, to her, but cant wait to say *no, you screwed up this time*, dont want to LB but are getting a Masters degree in it.<P>I would advise you to slow down, take a full inventory of your feelings, desires, wants, and goals. Not just a superficial one that we are seeing here. You are, at this moment, making decisions based out of fear, frustration, anger, hurt and anxiety. Those decisions are not sound ones. Sit back and relax. In as much as you are fed up, can't take anymore, and have completely had it!!!, I would challenge you to take a step back and look at things a bit closer...not just what you want to do right this second, but overall what you want, how you want to go about getting it, and putting together a plan B in the meantime in order to help you focus a little better. I like the fact that you feel you are growing and the children are important. Now, from there, do the soul searching, do Plan B...completely...and then when you are a bit more rational with yourself, look at all sides without all the emotions attached to it. Keep the doors and windows open so the light can shine!!<P>*Out of our greatest fears, come our bravest deeds!*<P>Trueheart<BR>

Wow! what a good response Trueheart.... thank you! <P>------------------<BR>Faith1