I spoke with my wife (she had the affair) this morning and things did not go well. I need advice. I told her why I loved her and why I wanted to make our marriage work. I asked her why she loved me. The only thing she could say was that love was a choice...I do not feel this way..I did not choose to love her, it just happened. Is love a concious decision? I do not want to be in a marriage where she has to choose to love me.<BR> We also talked about trust. I expressed that I do not think trust is valid in a marriage. I have faith in her that she will not stray again, and faith in myself that I can meet her needs so she is not tempted to stray again. But no matter how much you believe your partner will always be faithful, is it not right to question actions that make you feel uncomfortable. If my wife has a male friend, or goes to lunch with a male coworker is it not right to express that I have concerns. I would expect her to come to me and question my motives if I was showing another woman attention. I do not want her to trust me so much that she is not thinking. Her affair has caused a pain that I never felt before or want to feel again. She has a friend who divorced his wife because he had an affair she and said she could never trust him again. I do not want that to happen here. I have tried to clarify my position, but I do not know if it is getting through. Any thoughts or comments?

I cannot remember the exact wording, but in SAA, it says that you should never trust your spouse entirely. I'm not sure how to word this so that it does not get out of context. Hmmmm.... blind trust is what got most of us into the situations we're in now (well, ONE of the factors anyways). <P>I think the trick (?), is to find the right wording. You should be able to tell your W if you are uncomfortable with something, and it's because you don't trust her after what has happened. That's the truth of it, isn't it? What she did, by having the A, has hurt you deeply. You want the trust back, but she has to EARN it back. How to say that without it being a huge LB? I'm not sure actually.<P>Karen<P><BR>

Hi toto,<P> I just wanted to say that I agree with your statement about choosing to love. While I believe we choose to love people in general, I do not believe we have the choice to love our spouses. You would have to know me to know why this is true.<P> During the time of the affair, when the pain was so bad all I wanted to do was die. If I could have chosen "NOT" to love my wife, believe me I would have done that. True love is not a choice, something you can turn off or on.<P> As for the trust issue, I am affraid I can't help you much with that one. I am fighting the same demon myself, and it is extremely hard. <P> If you find an answer let me know. email me at: jdmac1@yahoo.com