My situation is one that I know many on this forum would envy. If one can have the perfect adulterous spouse, than I am married to him. Yet I am having difficulty knowing what I am feeling.<P>Short history: two months ago I discovered evidence of an affair. Confronted H. He immediately admitted it, let me know that he had ended it in January (it started in June) and the he was an idiot who learned that everything he needed was already at home. There were some deceptions as he tried to hide the seedier aspects of the situation (this was definitely not an emotional attachment for him. Straight sex) I have examined my role in all this. He insists that it was totally his insecurity and foolishness and will not let me accept responsibility. Although the OW called him constantly, he agreed to absolutely drop her flat, did so in front of me (on the phone). No fog. No blame. No withdrawal. GREAT Sex (between us). Promises to do whatever it takes for me to heal.<P>What the heck is your problem then, many of you may be asking your monitors. The problem is that I have no idea how to get through this on a day to day basis. I have forgiven him totally. i really don't THINK that I have any great anger left. Yet, every three minutes, there it is, clogging up what precious little gray matter I have left. Work is a joke, nothing motivates me. It is like I am a car stuck in neutral. All I really want to do is wait for him to come home from work and kiss me on the back of the neck and talk to me and try to make me laugh.<P>I don't want this thing to take on a life of its own. Am I asking too much of my psyche to be done with this? Do I just need to be more patient? <P>

I am in a similar situation. My wife had a two night affair with someone she does not love. It was just sex. My wife was perfect before and perfect now but she did this one thing in December. So it is very hard for the brain to cope with this. If we didn't like our spouse we could just tell them to get lost. But we like our spouse and they are sorry for what they did yet they still did it. It's unimaginable that they did such a thing when we had such high expectations of them and had them elevated up on some admiration platform. It seems now things will never be quite the same. Something was taken away. From a survey I did on this forum a few days ago it seems all the BS spouses think about this thing every single day and many for most of the day even after many months and in some cases years into the recovery. It's not easy. It's not easy for me. We smile on the outside and suffer on the inside. Our brain just can't forget this so easily. We have been hurt by someone we love , by someone who loved us. There is no worse experience in my mind. So all we can do is siffer from day to day, try to cope and hope our bad feelings eventually die down.

Hey Roomie...(not a reference to living together...LOL)<P>I think you are asking alot of yourself to *just get over it* so quickly. Although you may have forgiven him and don't feel the residual anger, that does not mean you have completely healed and dealt with it. You may find that you still need to talk about it, get more details, ask a few questions in order to have it all out there in the open. Two months is hardly time for a bad cut to heal on your body physically, let alone the deep hurt you have had to face. You are lucky, in that H wants to help and realizes everything you mean to him. Many in here are not so lucky as you have read. But, give yourself some time and let him know how you are feeling. That communication, alone, will go a long ways toward healing that hurt. <P>*Out of our greatest fears, come our bravest deeds!*<P>Trueheart

WELCOME to my world. Finally, someone i can really relate to. I swear you could be me!! I discovered my H A 9 weeks ago, from some funny emails. He came home from a 12 month tour away from us, had a 5 week nonemotional affair. Told me everything, realized that he wanted us back, and that it was the stupidest thing in the world. Has since without missing a beat done EVERYTHING he can do to make sure i feel loved, wanted, and secure. I love the new us, but i also have those litte demons that like to invade my head and make me so unsure. When i feel that way i go walk, run, swim, drive, anything to get it <BR>out of my head. I know that if i had more patience at times, he would call me and explain my missunderstandings. I thank God daily when in these boards that H did not get emothionally attatched, that we do not have a pregnant OW, a stalking one, a H that does not want to work on the marriage right now, A h that has me in that horrible limbo, A h that has moved out, a H that LOVES anyone but me, ECT...ECT... Those things i listed make it easier to deal with my stuff too. Because I am SO grateful that my H wants ME and what he is SHOWING me is what counts!!! <BR> Time will make it easier, I feel that im MY heart. And be grateful that we are 2 of the few lucky ones, that have an easier road to recovery. Our Husbands felt REMORSE and did not get EMOTIONALLY attatched. That is such a RARE thing in an A, at least in these boards. God Bless you and thank you for being like me, I know now that i am not the only one feeling this way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<BR>Maine<P>------------------<BR>IN the words of BOB the BUILDER!!" WE can fix it, yes we can!!!"

Thanks so much for your responses. I posted this on the "Recovery" board as well and am going to post my thoughts over there.<P>Thanks again. This stuff is really difficult to explain to anyone who hasn't been through it. Thank goodness for this place....

Hi! You are the lucky ones, although it does seem like you have a different "cross to bear". Although I need to - I'm gonna order it right now.. I haven't read SAA yet. Have you? Surely it can help your situation. Are you in counseling? Are you both working on MB principles? Even though he's remorseful and ya'll are recovering, an A was a severe injury to you and the marriage. <P>Seems to me you still need to be in a Plan A of some kind. After all, Plan A is sort of what we should all do - work on ourselves, no LB'ing, fill lots of EN's (after first learning what they are!) The best part about Plan A and B are the part of working on ourselves. I am a BS and I'm not productive at work, feel like I'm stuck and can't move forward. We BS's who haven't reconciled yet and are still hoping are FORCED to figure out a way to get through life - leaning on our own strength, or God - which ever our beliefs and faith take us. Finding things we like about ourselves, things we like to do, books to read, music to listen to, etc. YOu can do the same things, as well as bask in the hope and "gushiness" of reconciliation.<P>just my 2 cents... good luck to you.<P>And i agree with TH - maybe you need to get some more details - if you feel like that is bothering you. Maybe you can be honest with your WS and ask them to help you in this area.<P>------------------<BR>Faith1

I wish that you were my wife. I am the WS and have, like your husband, done everything to show her that I am sorry. That I was an idiot and that what I have done is wrong. I love my wife and want nothing more than to be able to show her that I understand she is the best thing that ever happened to me, but unlike you she seems unable to ever accept me again. Her only word is of divorce, she is trying to discourage me from believing that we could ever restore and rebuild our marriage. To add to the trouble, she has moved to the other side of the country, all of her stuff is still here, but she's moved in with her parents, bought a new car, is looking for a job. So maybe you could give me some advice...how is it that you were so willing to accept him back? Did you go through this extreme anger and bitterness, are you going through it now? <BR>

well I am in kinda the same situation as missingher.<BR>I am doing everything possible to save our marriage. Yes I was stupid in what I did. was it an EA I say alittle and my councelor says PA. <BR>I am trying everything possible to prove to her that I want her and her only. <P>I just don't know what else I can do but wait and pray. I try to spend every min. with her and the kids that I can.<P>Thanks,<BR>MarkC

MissingHer, <BR>I'm anxious to see MoreRoom's reply. I just wanted to say that your heart is in the right place. If you want to truly save your marriage. read and study this web-site - the principles - read His Needs Her Needs and Surviving an Affair. read lots of posts. Seems to me you can start doing a Plan A. DOn't agree to a divorce if you're not ready. Have you shared this web-site and the MB principles with your Wife? My 2 cents - I didn't mean to jump on someone else's thread, but my heart goes out to you ecause you want to make things right.<P>------------------<BR>Faith1

I am much like you More Room. My H was only having cybersex. He didn't have a RL affair. I sometimes don't feel like I belong here. But, the pain and anxiety that I feel is so overwhelming that I have had to be put on anxiety meds. He is so remorseful and has been trying to do everything right but I have days when I just can't get past this. I can't believe that the man that I love and that loves me would be so inconsiderate of my feelings. He now says that I am the best thing that ever happened to him. At the time I'm not sure if he thought that. <P>My heart breaks for the other people on this forum. I can't even imagine having to fight for my marriage. <P>I feel like a whiny baby sometimes. I think time will be our best friend.<P>NM

New Me...<P>How long has it been since D-day with the cyber A? Don't feel you dont belong because you aren't a *classic* A. I am the WS of the same type you speak of, and I know of the pain it can cause. I hate myself everyday for what I did, and I never touched anyone physically. But I hurt the woman I love and that is all that matters. Now, I take each day, in and of itself, and dont try to win it all back, but see each day like a baseball game. Don't try to win the whole game in one inning, but rather try to win each inning and at the end of the game, you become the winner. I think, in as much as the WS sometimes tries to win the trust and love back ASAP, the BS tries to get over it before they have healed properly. Give yourselves time, give your WS credit and acknowledge their efforts, see the sincerity, ask for what it is you need that day to get through, but don't try to move the whole mountain with a teaspoon all at once. <P>*Out of our greatest fears, come our bravest deeds!*<P>Trueheart

NewMe,<P>Please do not minimize your pain or your H’s affair. An affair is when sexual and emotional energy goes outside of the marriage. Believe me when I say that it can be as devastating as a “real life” affair. Why? You will see many people on this forum whose spouses are involved in emotional affairs. They are very real. When a person is involved in a cyber affair they are giving someone else the emotional support they should be giving their spouse. And they are getting emotional support from someone other then their spouse. When cybersex and phone sex are involved, they are sharing sexual pleasure with someone else. Believe me it is very intense and very real.<P>What I found out with STL’s affairs is that not only did he give the other women time and energy that he was not giving our children and me but the women thought that they were in love with him. They thought, because he led them on, that he was falling for them. The emotions were real on their part. He says that he only cared for them as friends but that is not what he was telling them. And you know what. They were not happy to find out that I existed. For the most part they wanted me to disappear. Each one of them wanted to believe that they were the only one. They were his true love. A few of them even suggested to me that he only married me to take care of his children and because I have a good income. After all he loved them so that had to be why he married me. <P>You going to tell me that is not real? You going to tell me that it does not rip my heart out just as much as a “real life” affair does.<P>It is true that STL did have one “real life” affair. He did meet one of his cyber/phone babes. He spent the weekend after we got married with her. (It makes me ill every time I think of it.) He also did meet 3 of the women for dinner/lunch dates when he was traveling for work. But he and they say that it went no further then hello/goodbye kisses. (barf)<P>And I admit that the “real life” PA hurts the worst. But it does not negate the cyber/phone affairs. And the dinner/lunch dates were just that, dates. <P>So don’t play down your pain. You are as entitled to your pain as any one else here. <P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

MissingHer,<P>I am so sad that you are in the position you are. I can only tell you that I immediately tried to kick my husband out. Told him to go to her (actually, that was the second place I told him to go). He told me that he would leave only if it is was too painful for me to see him and be around him but that he did not want to go. We got through a few days of that and I finally started packing my things up. He came home and saw the bags in our bedroom and came down to ask me what they were for. I told him. He was standing behind me and put his arms around me and gently told me he wouldn't let go of me if I was going to leave him. That he would not let me leave. That was a turning point for me. I so much needed to know that this man, who is not one to wear his heart on his sleeve would pay his cards on the table to gently yet decisively. Mixed metaphors aside, I wonder if you are in a position to go after your wife? It would be a risk, but I sure know that if I had left our house, I would be looking every minute to see if my husband had come to retrieve me. My pride would prevent me from returning, but my love would prevent me from resisting him coming to bring me home. <P>Easier said than done, but it is what I would want if I had left, and what I would do if I was the WS. <P>Good luck.<P>[I also posted some thoughts on the "recovery" board.]