After reading Dr. Harley's "Infidelity", I<BR>was amazed by his incredible insight.<BR>Nowhere, however, was it mentioned, as to<BR>"HOW" a woman might persuade her spouse to be <BR>honest and open about an affair. I have tried<BR>everything, yet to no avail. He simply says<BR>"It was sveral years ago. I's over! You get over it!" No details...Did this woman work with him? Does he still see her? Who was she? Why did he see her? (We only had one<BR>argument, he walked out and found her within<BR>a day).<BR> I'm in such wrenching pain in my heart,<BR>and I can't "Just get over it".

ckasinec -- I was the one who had the affair on my H. I had a physical affair as well as internet affairs. My H confronted me about the internet affairs first because that was the one he found out first. I tried for awhile to deny everything but proof was piling up against me. With my H showing me everything he had to prove that I had the affairs and just plain asking questions I finally realized that I couldn't lie anymore to him if I wanted to keep my marriage. I know I haven't been as open and honest as I know I should have been to answering his questions to start with but I am working on being open and honest with him when he has questions for me now. It's a slow process for me but one day it will all be worth it to be as open and honest with him as I can. By the way my H is Empty Shell

I'm sorry, I don't have answers. I can't even get my husband to admit he had an affair.

I went through many years (and several affairs) before I finally got my husband to open up. I had finally had enough of his lies and decided that I could deal with any thing except being lied to. I made up my mind that if he couldn't tell me the truth I was going to leave him. It took awhile to build up the strength, but I finally sat down with him and calmly told him how important honesty was to me. I told him I already knew he had had several affairs so nothing he told me would be a surprise. I had a lot of the same questions you do, did he work with any of them, did I know them, does he still have contact with them, etc. He asked why he needed to tell me if I already knew. I told him I could deal with the truth better than I could the images in my head. I also told him that if our marriage was going to survive it had to be built on honesty. I had to know that I could believe the most important person in my life. He did not want to tell me and refused to answer my questions until I went upstairs and started packing. He finally opened up and the truth came flooding out. I did okay with most of it, but it was pretty overwhelming. There was more than I had ever expected. He admitted (after the tears stopped and the dust settled) that it felt good to finally let it all out. We are now in the process of starting a new life together. <BR>This approach worked for me. Maybe you can modify it to fit your own situation. Good Luck.

My H has denied cheating on me for the past 13 years, when I contracted an STD from him.<BR>Somehow, I have managed to push that back until last year, when I began suspecting another affair. I believe that those lies have contributed to my own failures in being a good wife by causing me to build a "wall" around myself.<P>Anyway, I had asked him to please not go into the OW's restaurant when she was there or anywhere around her unless I was with him.<BR>Last Tuesday, I caught him having lunch up there. I blew up, packed my stuff, and disappeared for a couple of days.<BR>H swears that there has been nothing between him and that OW, but he finally admitted to cheating on me one time with a slut (who apparently lived a series of one-night stands).<BR>He didn't want to tell me who she was on the first night we talked about it, but he assured me that I had never been in the position of knowing her or being friendly with her in any social situation. I still didn't believe him when he said he didn't remember any details about where, who, why, etc.<BR>The next night, I decided that if getting drunk was the way to forget things, then I would get rip-roaring drunk. So, I sat out in my yard with my rum and Coke and got drunk. H came out to see what was the matter, and I went off on him. I asked him if he was trying to protect some 2-bit whore from me. He said, "No, she's dead." I said, "Well, if she's dead, then you know her damn name." So, he finally told me who she was and where they got together (a beer joint).<BR> I'm not convinced that he's told me everything. I suspect that there have been others, along with at least an emotional thing or some sort of secret between him and the current woman.<BR> For me to get the truth out of him, I had to convince him that I was dead serious about needing to know the truth. But, I was ready to walk out and make my own life if he kept lying to me, and I think he knows that.

People are liars.<P>Its a natural behavior to only give away as much truth as you feel there is evidence against you. We do it naturally but put most of them down to "little white lies" or say "They don't _need_ to know that".<P>The bottom line is that you will never convince someone to tell you the whole truth and be honest with you until they either a) will lose something by NOT telling the truth or b) the evidence is irrefutable and they would suffer worse for denying it.<P>I think you have to look at the reason why people lie. Why would someone who has had an affair lie? To keep their relationship together. Why would they withhold information about the affair? Because they fear that information being known may finish the relationship.<P>On the other hand... by constantly either denying it or saying its over and you dont need details is doing the same thing. In their mind they believe the sitation will not change with you not knowing... It isn't until you pack your bags that they realise withholding is actually going to cause the breakup.<P>So the bottom line is the only way you will get the truth... or more of the truth than you already know is to find "something" that in their mind is a worse alternative to giving you what you want to know.<P>For Sweetpea, I don't know if this is something you have thought about but when I read your partner said "Some slut" I thought it was convenient she was a "slut"... its easy to make the other person seem worthless and therefor make _you_ think it meant nothing. When he said "nobody you would know" it easily covers the truth, if you dont know them then you cannot question him telling the truth.... When he said "she is dead" that sent alarm bells ringing in my head... Convenient that she is dead, a good way to avoid talking about her and completely shutting off all possibility of finding information.<P>I hate to say this but I believe your H hasn't told you the truth, those facts would make me think it wasn't a slut, certainly wants someone you didn't know and definately not someone who was dead.... One of those factors and I might believe him but all 3 sound like he is doing and saying everything he can to divert from the truth.

Lost Soul,<BR> I have certainly considered the fact that my H could still be lying about who the woman was. I have asked about the woman he named. Apparently, she was a slut--well-known for screwing anybody who was willing. I spoke with someone who developed a friendship with her; this person affirmed that one-night stands were a way of life for this woman. The woman is indeed dead, for I visited her grave. I do understand that my H could have just cast around in his memory for the name of a dead whore. But, I guess that the important thing is that he finally admitted cheating.<BR> I still don't believe my H has told me everything. I'm hoping that counselling will help him to open up, but I'm not holding my breath.<BR> I've told my H that if he tells me the whole truth about everything, then I believe that I can work past it. However, if I find out anything else from another source, or if he ever cheats again, I will divorce him. No Ifs, Ands, or Buts.<p>[This message has been edited by Sweetpea (edited September 10, 1999).]