A few months ago my H revealed an affair to me that I never knew about.<BR>He told me because he suspected (and had evidence) of my infidelity.<BR>He told me -- I think because the guilt had bothered him for many years. And maybe to make it easier for me to confess. <BR>I am having so much trouble reconciling my feelings about this. Is it normal to just feel "flat" or lifeless about this? <BR>I dont want to try to justify myself, but I cant help comparing our situation then and now -- and I dont understand why he did what he did.<BR>My affair happened when I was in stage 3 -- withdrawal, he knew about my unhappiness but did nothing to change. His affair happened right after our wedding -- a time in our life that I would have classified as the happiest.<BR>I feel like the foundation of what I thought our marriage was has shifted and changed. I dont know what to feel. I guess I should be raging and angry. I just feel flat about it. And of course it was 16 years ago, so he has no answers for me anymore. I have to answer every question he has, but I'll never get any.<P>I'm glad to have found this site. Its incredible.<BR>

I think there is no excuse for affairs. You had no more excuse than your husband. So really you are no beter and your husband is no better. It's even Steven. You both should forget the whole thing now and move on. Now you both have a good idea how this feels and hopefully it will never happen again. Affairs happen at all stages of a marriage. It is devastating no matter when and where it happens and no matter what the excuse was. There is no good excuse. If we have an affair every time we are unhappy, then every person would be having an affair every couple of weeks.

I guess that was my whole point -- I DON'T seem to have the same feelings about it that he does.<P>I don't want to get into the justification game. I'm not trying to say that what I'm doing is right. <P>After reading all the information on this board, I had come to the conclusion that most affairs result from emotional needs not being met. Definetly true in my case.<P>I can't see how that could be true in my husbands case. In fact he says that not the case and he has no explanation whatsoever. <P>So how do I reach an understanding? Help!

Lexxy, <P>Just because your EN were being met right after the marriage doesn't mean his were, and not necessarily by you. There could be things from his past that led to the A. I am not excusing either of you or saying one is more valid than the other...what I am saying is that somehow there were issues that he chose to resolve outside the marriage. Did the A continue for either of you? Is there still contact with OM/OW? Are you both now more committed? Have you both taken the time to read Surviving an Affair/His needs/her needs? Do some reading, together. Realize where you are now and where you want to go. There are alot of questions you have....dont expect the answers to be fast nor easy.<P>*Out of our greatest fears, come our bravest deeds!*<P>Trueheart

Thanks much for your thoughts.<P>Thats what I'm trying to understand. What needs weren't being met? How could we have been in such different places?<BR>I thought it was the very best time in our relationship. He agrees. I thought everything was perfect. He agrees. The only explanation he has been able to give me is that he was stupid and he thought he would never get another chance. This was 16 years ago. He never told me, and when I try to talk to him about it, he has no answers. He can't remember how he was feeling, or what he was thinking.<P>What scares me most of all is that I don't have the feelings that I would expect to have. I don't feel angry. Just confused. A few years ago this would have DEVASTATED me. And now I just hardly care about it. Mostly I just feel stupid for not knowing, and embarressed that other friends knew about it and I never did. I feel uncertain of how to know when things are good -- I was wrong before.<P>So to answer your question, his affair was 16 years ago with a co-worker. Short term - emotional for maybe 6 months or so and physical a few times.<P>My story is a bit uglier. Its still ongoing -- I am still in contact with OM although we live many states apart and dont see each other. It started a couple years ago.<P>I know that I am still in what all of you call the "fog."<BR>Still thinking I can maintain both relationships while I decide what to do. I'm totally stressed out and depressed. I've considered suicide because I feel totally unworthy of either of them. I can't believe this is me.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lexxxy:<BR><B>Thanks much for your thoughts.<BR>I'm totally stressed out and depressed. I've considered suicide because I feel totally unworthy of either of them. I can't believe this is me.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi Lexxxy,<P>You know what, after reading this, even though I see you have had an affair, and your husband is maybe feeling just as confused as what I am after my wife having an affair, I can feel for you.<P><B> I feel totally unworthy of either of them </B><P>Can you explain this a bit further?<P>It would be nice if you could email me?<P>I dont have the time to monitor these Boards constantly..<P>kevvern@hotmail.com<P>Give us a smile?<P>How about a cyber HUG?<P>(I picked that one up from another very good lady that has been psoting on this site and has been tremendous assistance to me over the last few months.)<P><BR>

Lexxy have you read the book his needs her needs?? If not you might want to get it and read it, It will explain the needs issue really well. I for one was amazed with that bookand the amount of help I have gotten from it, is so worth it.<BR> And if you have any hope of making your marriage work you need to break off contact with your OM pronto. Be worthy to YOURSELF,DO not worry about your worthiness to the men in your life right now. Depression in not a fatal thing in most instances, it can be helped and fixed. It has to be draining trying to be things for not only one person but two, and yourself. Somewhere NONE of you will be getting all you need. Stop contact and take time for you , figure out where you want to be and what you need. Read the Book Give and Take and SAA. They are really great books. and will give you great weaponsfor making your marriage a thriving wonderful thing. My heart goes out to you!

I saw a post written by a WS on another board that I thought very eloquently explained the "why" of affairs:<P> <A HREF="http://www.affairs-help.com/ubb/Forum8/HTML/000975.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.affairs-help.com/ubb/Forum8/HTML/000975.html</A>

My wife's affair hapened when we were newly married. It happened just after I spent several fabulous weeks with her. Two months after that she did it. One week before her Emails expressed her love in the most beautiful words. She was very sincere. We were both in heaven. Then circumstances happened when I was here and she was in another country and she decided to have an afair. She was feeling down. This guy made her feel very good, complimented her, a few drinks (being handsome didn't hurt), it was late at night and that's it. What's worse is a few minutes before this she told the guy she had a very good husband and they looked at our wedding photos together. After 6 months, like today I finally forgave my wife 100%. I will never forget this but to move on I have to do this otherwise we will divorce. I don't think a divorce helps anyone. But sometimes the pain is too much to bear and in that case maybe a divborce is required is all else fails or if one party is not willing to work things out.