I made my first post just two days ago, and it's under "Porn = Adultery?" but tonight I stopped by my husband's office, since he wasn't there, looking for "proof" that he was still viewing porn on the internet. I believed he was, but had no real proof.<P>I got much more than I ever bargained for. I found an entire folder of "media" files...and I am still appalled at what I saw. I played just a couple of them, to be sure they were porn. Although I wanted the proof, I'm sorry I saw what I saw. I know it's silly, but I thought porn on the internet was just pictures of naked women in sensuous poses - not real, live, detailed video clips.<P>I knew it was going on, but seeing it really hurts, and I don't know why. I don't love him anymore, and haven't for at least two years.<P>I can't stop crying, and I don't know how to deal with this new information. Can anybody out there help me deal with this tonight?

May I be blunt?<P>You are crying because you ... still love him... is that possible??<P>Yuk, ick, and blach on the porn you found... and your problem with your H is VERY REAL!!<P>But in order to help, let's get honest. Why are you crying?

I know for sure that I no longer love him. And I don't know why I'm crying - maybe because I wanted to believe him when he said he wasn't viewing it anymore, and maybe our marriage had a chance. Or maybe because now I know what I was/am "replaced" by.

It wouldn't hurt if you didn't love him. And BTW, I feel if porn is not mutual then it is an act of betrayal. <P>Is there anywhere you can go for a few days to think? Or would he be willing to leave to give you a little space? But sometimes space is not good to the marriage.<P>Gosh, I don't know what to say, but I do feel for you. I am so sorry.

As the time passes - it's now been almost 3 hours since I saw the proof - I'm beginning to think it's more anger than hurt. I cry when I'm angry, so that is what it is; it just took me a while to figure that out. I do care about him, but I'm sure it's not love. <P>A few minutes ago I checked on our son, soundly asleep, and I wonder how he will grow up. Will he grow up in a well-adjusted family? Not if it's this one. <P>I feel like this has ended any chance of this marriage surviving. <P>And getting away for a few days has been my desire for the last two weeks - but it just doesn't seem possible. Actually, I've wanted to crawl in a hole and hide from the world. <P>Will H move out? Definitely not. I've asked him to just for a little space, and he refuses.<P>[This message has been edited by So Very Confused (edited July 16, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by So Very Confused (edited July 16, 2001).]

You say that you have not loved your husband for a long time. What are the problems in your marriage besides his porn viewing?<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Z,<P>I could spend half the night answering that question. H spends a lot of nights at the office (up to 50%). During tax season, since he's an accountant, he came home, at most, once every two weeks. At one point, it was a month. When he does come home, he's a real coach potato.<P>He does nothing around the house, and I just about have to beg him to watch our son for an evening so that I can run errands or do something with a friend. I take care of our son (he's 6) and the house - both inside and out. He's a slob, he doesn't clean up after himself, he has poor personal hygiene, he puts his job ahead of his family (obviously), and he expects me to give and give and get little or nothing in return and be okay with it.<P>We can't have a discussion without it turning into an argument. Neither one of us has any desire to be in the same room with the other anymore (this has all happened in the last 3 months). He's told me he's hates me (although he says he doesn't now), that I have no redeeming qualities, that I'm mean and negative to him, that I'm a hypocrite, and that I'm boring when it comes to sex.<P>I could go on and on...but I think you get the point.<P>We did counseling with two different counselors about two years ago - Harley was one of them - but H decided to quit the counseling. Things improved slightly, but there was no long-term change. Now he wants to do counseling again, but I see no reason to. What makes me believe he can really change? Especially now that I know the truth.

So Very Confused,<P>Your response is about what I expected. Neither one of you is really meeting the others emotional needs. And your H has chosen to handle it in an inappropraite manner.<P>You must be familiar then the the MB concepts. Like the rules of time, care, honesty and protection. This is true?<P>If your husband says he wants to go the counseling then there must be some part of him that wants to care for you again. Would you say that is true?<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

sSoVeryConfused<BR>Think about things for awhile before you act. When I found out about my H's A I left for 5 days, thinking I know I want him gone. So I asked him to leave. He did. I regret that now. After thinking about it some more, maybe 2 weeks from the day I found out , I changed my mind and wanted him to come home.

Z and MAEZY,<P>Thanks for your replies. I decided to try to get some sleep last night. <P>Yes, I suppose H does want to try to care for me again, but maybe for me this was the final straw. Maybe I can't care for him again. What I saw was just a little more than I can take, and he knows how I feel about the porn (well, that is before I saw it).<P>And since we have done counseling with Harley before, I do know all of the MB concepts, but I don't know that they matter anymore. I'll try not to do anything sudden today, but I can make no guarantees. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope here. I'm in better control of my emotions this morning, but I can't forget what I saw and can't forget "it" replaced me for so long.