Dear mother...<P>I do thank you for all your words of wisdom and knowledge...in my heart I know you are right...I do not want to make it easy on him.<P>My H is so filled with anger and resentment towards me and marriage that I am plan A'ing my butt off (and since my Hurricane, I felt I was starting from square one.) so that when the time comes for a more 'structured' separation, I will have 'imprinted' him with some calm, changed memories of me and our family. (and, he has had to admit...several times...that I HAVE changed...some of the behaviors he will still bring up...I have called him on...when is the last time you have seen me, heard me do that?...and he has to say, not recently....)<P>We are doing summertime things with kids and are enjoying ourselves. He really does mostly just sleep at 'the spot.' He spends most of his time here. He has even invited me to do things with him on weekends and even made a 'date' with another couple to join us on an outing...<P>I am trying to fill the love bank up...he has given me his EN questionnaire and I am doing my best to meet them...If the Harley's theory really works and my H is being truthful with me about his top EN's, I should see a difference...<P>I am getting very good about LB's, plus that is the next questionairre he has agreed to fill out...then I'll know exactly what behaviors to avoid...<P>We also just enrolled in a 16 week parenting course...the Parent Project...that will be interesting...I've looked ahead at future week's lessons and let's just say it could get tense...<P>Thank you for your posts, I look forward to hearing from you!<P>Cali

Good Morning!<P>I don't have time to post right now. Off to VBS with my daughter. I'll post later on this afternoon. I've got some things to share with you. You are doing great Cali! Hang in there.

Hey...I know we all had a hard time getting on yesterday...thanks for your response...I look forward to hearing from you whenever you have time...<P>Cali

Hi there,<BR> So sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. I gave up trying to get into GQII yesterday and worked all day today. I did see your post about wanting to get away for a few days.<P>Cali, go. Get away all by yourself for 3-4 days. Your kids will be absolutely FINE without you for just a few days. I did this about a month after d-day at the recommendation of my counselor. I went to Big Bear for 4 days. I took lots of books,rented movies,walked around all the shops,took a few hikes,swam in the pool. A friend set me up in her timeshare. H took 2 days off work and got help from my mom the other days he was working. The kids were fine, I talked to them every night. It's no big deal and something every mom should do every once in awhile anyway. You need it, especially now. It will reinforce to H how independent you are and that you are serious about taking care of yourself and that you won't tolerate the indecision indefinitely. It'll make him wonder what you are thinking and will give you time to rest and relax and feel stronger and think yourself. It also gives H a chance to experience what having the kids 24/7 is all about. He needs to know what it's like if he's continuing to refuse to recommit, as he just might get to have them 3-4 days at a time if he choses to be a divorced dad. Interjecting reality into the fantasy in a justified manner can work wonders. My H was shocked at all I had to do when he had to do it all by himself for a few days.....and the kids were FINE! If you are to be their rock you need to give yourself a break and take care of yourself.<P>I understand that you want to impart to H the new and changed you and that you want him to see that things can be different and that you are willing to go all out to do your part. That is what Plan A is all about and I do recommend that you do this......but not for long, or you risk sending a different message than the one you think you are sending.<BR>I think it gets very risky continuing in Plan A when WS is bold enough to admit that they see your changes and actually appreciate and are attracted to those changes yet those acknowledged changes have absolutely no effect on WS behavior. The objective in Plan A is for you to work on being a better you (you've done that), for WS to see you can change for the better (he's seen AND acknowledged that), and for WS to see that you are a safe place to come back to ( IMHO he's seen that too because he's acknowledged your changes and efforts). When you have accomplished those objectives and it's getting you no where and you are becoming frazzled and are emotionally a wreck (who isn't at a time like this)then IMHO it's time to do something different. If you continue in Plan A for too long H starts to get the idea that you will remain a safe place to come back to no matter how long he continues his BS and no matter what crumbs he throws out to keep you hanging on. There is no dignity in that for you and it sets up a situation that is confusing and unhealthy for your children who are looking very closely at what is going on and are being affected by it more than we adults ever realize. <P>The most effective thing I did to get my H back to the point of wanting to recommit was to be strong and stand up for my self dignity. I told him how much I loved him, that I was willing to change and showed him that.I offered my support in his decision to separate but told him I didn't have to like it and that I would not wait more than 3-4 months for him to make up his mind before getting on with my life without him. I emotionally could not handle limboland. I came to grips with the fact that if he didn't want to be here then my life wasn't going to be what I wanted it to be if he stayed out of guilt or obligation. In that kind of condition we would have both been miserable and so would have the kids. I had to start planning for the possibility that he would chose to divorce. I figured the sooner I mentally and emotionally and physically prepared myself for that possibility the better off I would be if it actually happened, afterall, he was giving no guarantees.<P>It is not reasonable nor is it realistic for WS to expect to continue to emotionally abuse ( an affair is most definitely emotional abuse) their spouse and not have that spouse take measures to protect themselves (Plan B). As a BS failing to do so sets you up as a doormat, crushes your already damaged self esteem, and causes WS to lose respect for you. It is strength that is attractive. It is the uncertainty of a strong and independent spouse that causes WS to reevaluate whether ot not he is making the right choice in leaving. If there is no consequence to WS's behavior there is absolutely no motivation to change it,especially when it is providing novelty and excitement. However, in reality, novelty and excitement are temporary and worse yet, evaporative. Your love and understanding and strength are solid and reliable. There is no comparison or substitute for your legitimate history with your H. The lie of an affair cannot stand up to what is good and right and true. He's saying he doesn't want to be married so I say act "as if" you are divorced, without breaking your marriage vows. In that way you are complying and giving H what HE is asking for.....a chance to find out what it is really like to be an unmarried man with 3 kids. He gets what he asked for and you have the opportunity to prepare yourself for life without him if in the end he choses that. It is a win/win situation once the objectives of Plan A have been acheived and better still, puts YOU in the driver's seat.

Hi there,<BR> So sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. I gave up trying to get into GQII yesterday and worked all day today. I did see your post about wanting to get away for a few days.<P>Cali, go. Get away all by yourself for 3-4 days. Your kids will be absolutely FINE without you for just a few days. I did this about a month after d-day at the recommendation of my counselor. I went to Big Bear for 4 days. I took lots of books,rented movies,walked around all the shops,took a few hikes,swam in the pool. A friend set me up in her timeshare. H took 2 days off work and got help from my mom the other days he was working. The kids were fine, I talked to them every night. It's no big deal and something every mom should do every once in awhile anyway. You need it, especially now. It will reinforce to H how independent you are and that you are serious about taking care of yourself and that you won't tolerate the indecision indefinitely. It'll make him wonder what you are thinking and will give you time to rest and relax and feel stronger and think yourself. It also gives H a chance to experience what having the kids 24/7 is all about. He needs to know what it's like if he's continuing to refuse to recommit, as he just might get to have them 3-4 days at a time if he choses to be a divorced dad. Interjecting reality into the fantasy in a justified manner can work wonders. My H was shocked at all I had to do when he had to do it all by himself for a few days.....and the kids were FINE! If you are to be their rock you need to give yourself a break and take care of yourself.<P>I understand that you want to impart to H the new and changed you and that you want him to see that things can be different and that you are willing to go all out to do your part. That is what Plan A is all about and I do recommend that you do this......but not for long, or you risk sending a different message than the one you think you are sending.<BR>I think it gets very risky continuing in Plan A when WS is bold enough to admit that they see your changes and actually appreciate and are attracted to those changes yet those acknowledged changes have absolutely no effect on WS behavior. The objective in Plan A is for you to work on being a better you (you've done that), for WS to see you can change for the better (he's seen AND acknowledged that), and for WS to see that you are a safe place to come back to ( IMHO he's seen that too because he's acknowledged your changes and efforts). When you have accomplished those objectives and it's getting you no where and you are becoming frazzled and are emotionally a wreck (who isn't at a time like this)then IMHO it's time to do something different. If you continue in Plan A for too long H starts to get the idea that you will remain a safe place to come back to no matter how long he continues his BS and no matter what crumbs he throws out to keep you hanging on. There is no dignity in that for you and it sets up a situation that is confusing and unhealthy for your children who are looking very closely at what is going on and are being affected by it more than we adults ever realize. <P>The most effective thing I did to get my H back to the point of wanting to recommit was to be strong and stand up for my self dignity. I told him how much I loved him, that I was willing to change and showed him that.I offered my support in his decision to separate but told him I didn't have to like it and that I would not wait more than 3-4 months for him to make up his mind before getting on with my life without him. I emotionally could not handle limboland. I came to grips with the fact that if he didn't want to be here then my life wasn't going to be what I wanted it to be if he stayed out of guilt or obligation. In that kind of condition we would have both been miserable and so would have the kids. I had to start planning for the possibility that he would chose to divorce. I figured the sooner I mentally and emotionally and physically prepared myself for that possibility the better off I would be if it actually happened, afterall, he was giving no guarantees.<P>It is not reasonable nor is it realistic for WS to expect to continue to emotionally abuse ( an affair is most definitely emotional abuse) their spouse and not have that spouse take measures to protect themselves (Plan B). As a BS failing to do so sets you up as a doormat, crushes your already damaged self esteem, and causes WS to lose respect for you. It is strength that is attractive. It is the uncertainty of a strong and independent spouse that causes WS to reevaluate whether ot not he is making the right choice in leaving. If there is no consequence to WS's behavior there is absolutely no motivation to change it,especially when it is providing novelty and excitement. However, in reality, novelty and excitement are temporary and worse yet, evaporative. Your love and understanding and strength are solid and reliable. There is no comparison or substitute for your legitimate history with your H. The lie of an affair cannot stand up to what is good and right and true. He's saying he doesn't want to be married so I say act "as if" you are divorced, without breaking your marriage vows. In that way you are complying and giving H what HE is asking for.....a chance to find out what it is really like to be an unmarried man with 3 kids. He gets what he asked for and you have the opportunity to prepare yourself for life without him if in the end he choses that. It is a win/win situation once the objectives of Plan A have been acheived and better still, puts YOU in the driver's seat.

Hi there,<BR> So sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. I gave up trying to get into GQII yesterday and worked all day today. I did see your post about wanting to get away for a few days.<P>Cali, go. Get away all by yourself for 3-4 days. Your kids will be absolutely FINE without you for just a few days. I did this about a month after d-day at the recommendation of my counselor. I went to Big Bear for 4 days. I took lots of books,rented movies,walked around all the shops,took a few hikes,swam in the pool. A friend set me up in her timeshare. H took 2 days off work and got help from my mom the other days he was working. The kids were fine, I talked to them every night. It's no big deal and something every mom should do every once in awhile anyway. You need it, especially now. It will reinforce to H how independent you are and that you are serious about taking care of yourself and that you won't tolerate the indecision indefinitely. It'll make him wonder what you are thinking and will give you time to rest and relax and feel stronger and think yourself. It also gives H a chance to experience what having the kids 24/7 is all about. He needs to know what it's like if he's continuing to refuse to recommit, as he just might get to have them 3-4 days at a time if he choses to be a divorced dad. Interjecting reality into the fantasy in a justified manner can work wonders. My H was shocked at all I had to do when he had to do it all by himself for a few days.....and the kids were FINE! If you are to be their rock you need to give yourself a break and take care of yourself.<P>I understand that you want to impart to H the new and changed you and that you want him to see that things can be different and that you are willing to go all out to do your part. That is what Plan A is all about and I do recommend that you do this......but not for long, or you risk sending a different message than the one you think you are sending.<BR>I think it gets very risky continuing in Plan A when WS is bold enough to admit that they see your changes and actually appreciate and are attracted to those changes yet those acknowledged changes have absolutely no effect on WS behavior. The objective in Plan A is for you to work on being a better you (you've done that), for WS to see you can change for the better (he's seen AND acknowledged that), and for WS to see that you are a safe place to come back to ( IMHO he's seen that too because he's acknowledged your changes and efforts). When you have accomplished those objectives and it's getting you no where and you are becoming frazzled and are emotionally a wreck (who isn't at a time like this)then IMHO it's time to do something different. If you continue in Plan A for too long H starts to get the idea that you will remain a safe place to come back to no matter how long he continues his BS and no matter what crumbs he throws out to keep you hanging on. There is no dignity in that for you and it sets up a situation that is confusing and unhealthy for your children who are looking very closely at what is going on and are being affected by it more than we adults ever realize. <P>The most effective thing I did to get my H back to the point of wanting to recommit was to be strong and stand up for my self dignity. I told him how much I loved him, that I was willing to change and showed him that.I offered my support in his decision to separate but told him I didn't have to like it and that I would not wait more than 3-4 months for him to make up his mind before getting on with my life without him. I emotionally could not handle limboland. I came to grips with the fact that if he didn't want to be here then my life wasn't going to be what I wanted it to be if he stayed out of guilt or obligation. In that kind of condition we would have both been miserable and so would have the kids. I had to start planning for the possibility that he would chose to divorce. I figured the sooner I mentally and emotionally and physically prepared myself for that possibility the better off I would be if it actually happened, afterall, he was giving no guarantees.<P>It is not reasonable nor is it realistic for WS to expect to continue to emotionally abuse ( an affair is most definitely emotional abuse) their spouse and not have that spouse take measures to protect themselves (Plan B). As a BS failing to do so sets you up as a doormat, crushes your already damaged self esteem, and causes WS to lose respect for you. It is strength that is attractive. It is the uncertainty of a strong and independent spouse that causes WS to reevaluate whether ot not he is making the right choice in leaving. If there is no consequence to WS's behavior there is absolutely no motivation to change it,especially when it is providing novelty and excitement. However, in reality, novelty and excitement are temporary and worse yet, evaporative. Your love and understanding and strength are solid and reliable. There is no comparison or substitute for your legitimate history with your H. The lie of an affair cannot stand up to what is good and right and true. He's saying he doesn't want to be married so I say act "as if" you are divorced, without breaking your marriage vows. In that way you are complying and giving H what HE is asking for.....a chance to find out what it is really like to be an unmarried man with 3 kids. He gets what he asked for and you have the opportunity to prepare yourself for life without him if in the end he choses that. It is a win/win situation once the objectives of Plan A have been achieved and better still, puts YOU in the driver's seat. <BR>