Hi VBO,<P>Here is your post you made earlier tonight, it struck a chord with me and I would like to ask you some questions. First here is your post:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by vbo:<BR><B>When I went back to TRY (15 years ago) I thought I am doing this because of my children and my family and because I couldn't stand a feeling of shame and guilt...To be perfectly honest I thought it is just a temporary solution and it will not work. Even asked my H to let me go easy way if it's not working. I didn't instantly felt love again and it took some hard time for both of us (few years) to actually be back and feel more secure. So don't expect miracles.<BR>We both tried to change during years and we both learned not to be selfish and probably that was a reason that love came back - for both of us. He sure also had a hard time trying not to loose love for me...But we never had this problem again ...We just had our 25 years anniversary last year...Still we'll need to cope with MLC but I believe we now know how to deal with it...We'll see...<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is where my H is. He feels that he stays only for the guilt. What would you say to someone like that? Could you please explain the transition to my H? He is the Ws. <P>Thanks,<BR>L.<P>

I think it always goes like that...with not being able to stand shame and guilt of what you've done...And the fact that you can't stand it means actually that you are NORMAL person, just being in crisis (everyone has them).<BR>I just wanted to warn you BS's not to expect miracle over night. As it was for me after a while I first had a better feeling about my self (after fog WS's start to feel miserable about themselves cause only than they are aware of what they've done) cause after all I made a right thing (still felt at the time that it's a too big price for me to pay). After some time when I felt that I am finally taken back in to my old life I felt comfortable again. But love and passion weren't there at that point. We had to build it again from the basement. I must admit that my H changed and that gave me strength to change too.Now we feel so attached that I believe we haven't been even at the beginning.<BR>I can also tell you that later in life you have to deal with BS being hurt (this come later) but that is easier (or maybe I just think so). <BR>We all have to learn to SHARE...I must admit my H is leading us (even if I look like I have stronger personality). He didn't know about MB but he has done it all "by the book”. He was one insisting that we need to spend time together (undivided attention) and even without me knowing about it he scheduled that time. It's a habit now...<BR>It can be done...go "by the book" and be patient...it worked for us...I am trying to explain this to my daughter and her de facto with whom she is expecting a baby now, but they are still in early stages… <P><BR>

Thanks VBO,<P>I will be sending this thread to my H. I hope it gives him something to think about. For me, I don't know if I have it in me to be as strong as your H. So much has happened to us. I am very weak now and don't quite know how much more I can possibly take. <P>H says the easy way out is for him to leave. I have fought so hard to help him see that his family loves him and now I feel defeated. How can someone come into our lives and rip away all of it in such a short period of time? I am still in shock. I feel myself slipping away. <P>Thanks for your post. I deeply appreciate your insight. <P>L.

I don't know how H managed to do everything right...but I am grateful he did it. My affair actually lasted for few years before we were separated. It wasn't physical till it's last year. It was hard and ugly for us for few years also and it came to the point where I left home (even children) and then came back on the condition that H has to go. We were separated then for 4 months and I agreed (not very willingly I admit) to TRY to rebuild my marriage. But I did finish my affair at that point. This man was my co-worker and I had to see him everyday for next two years as we worked at the same company. But we didn't speak at all. I made an argument over some banal thing just to finish that (he was late for date because of the business and apologised but I didn't want to take it). I didn't plan how I am going to do it...I suppose I've done it instinctively, I wanted to be disappointed in him and him to be disappointed in me, to be able to go back to my husband. So I made my self ugly in a way by calling his wife (who I knew) and telling her that he owes me money and is not willing to give it back to me. It was a small amount of money but he really didn't want to give it back because that was a way to stay in touch with me after I stopped talking to him. It was ugly but I never said anything about affair to his wife.<BR>I am now going too much to details here. Anyway even seeing him everyday for next two years didn't make me go back to him. Actually as time went I found my way out of the fog and started seeing him in a real light. As he was in state of revenge he was more and more ugly for me and I gradually started to see my husband (who I hated during the affair) as a great person. I started not to care that much about things that I didn't like about H and started to emphasise things that I still liked about him. He was able to survive hell that I created and to love me no matter what and as years passed I was more and more grateful and attached to him. I also changed my point of view.<BR>Sometimes I think he deserve someone better than I was but he still loves me and is happy with me. From time to time he had a hard time dealing with past but we managed to go through it. Thanks to him I am a better person now. I feel real love for him.<BR>I know it’s hard but it’s possible. Be patient if you can…and have in mind that even if you give up you’ll still suffer. Go as far as you can so that your conscience is clear in a future. You’ll be the one who can say “I’ve done my best”… And I wouldn’t bet on his soul at all…<BR>