I feel like I should just have an affair and that will make me feel better. I hear of all the feelings that people have when they do have one but gosh I am so sick of feeling the way I do I just don't know what to do anymore. Here's the short of the long. We got together in 93 dated, eventually got intimate and had a wonderful courtship. The sex was decent, the affection, the compatability seemed great. We got married in 95 and then all went downhill. First the sex went, he admitted that he felt that he "had" me now that we were married, so he took me for granted. Then the compatability diminished, for example, he liked all sorts of music, now he only likes one, none of mine just his. He rarely shows me affection only when he wants sex, on his once a month occasion. He was used to me initiating it and liked the way I did it...so he expected it that way all the time, I stopped so the sex stopped, practically. I am frustrated, but refuse to initiate it. I am beautiful, an excellent lover and have lots of men that would want me. Why should I tolerate this? He tells me that things will change all the time but it's been 6 years, I have been patient...Men...I'd really like your take on this...~FLgal~

I don't believe you would feel better. I understand where you are coming from because I have had the same thoughts. But, it isn't the answer. We would feel good only in the moment, I believe. When the deed would be done I would feel dirty. Yes, it would be a simple thing to do the deed. But after we have to live with ourselves. <P> No, I could not do it. But that is just me. Strange really, this influx of morals. Looking back and being honest, I could have had an affair. Now, however, there is no way on earth I could do it as long as we are together.

I guess I am just so frustrated with everything (not just sex) that I am resentful. I also have a beautiful son that is the main reason why I tolerate this right now as he loves his father dearly. I just don't know what to do. I feel I have tried so many things, counseling, open honest communication, not talking about it...I just feel like he tricked me into marrying him... Thanks for your input though...~FLgal~

FLGal<P>It soiunds like you and your hsuband could use som professional help.<P>Have you talked to a counselor either together or alone?<P>It might be very helpful.<P>I take it neither of you have had an A at this point. <P>If you need any examples of perhaps why it's not worth it, read some of the posts here from both BS and WS and you will see the extreme pain, confusion and sadness involved. For all parties. And it really won't solve any problems, just create more for your H and for you.<P>Read some of the material here and check into some counseling...<P>Good luck <P>E <P><BR>

FLgal,<P>If I understand you correctly, you're entertaining the idea of an A to get "those feelings' back. Your husband kinda sounds like what happened to me which in turn caused my W to have an A. While I don't think I was as neglectful as your H, I did neglect and took my W for granted. It took the unfortunate even of her A to open my eyes, I don't think anyone should go through that. I don't know if you'll get through to him, counseling seems your only hope, or try to get him to read HN/HN or some of the articles on this site about emotional needs. I think if I read some of that earlier, I could have been more attentive and possibly prevented the A.<P>Looking back, it would have been hard to get me to do that because I thought (as my W now agrees) there was no problem w/ our marriage....boy were we wrong.<P>Anyways, see if he's willing to read something on his own other than going to couseling.<P>Good luck<P>------------------<BR>...Keeping a stiff upper lip<BR>-Scarlet Pumpernickle<BR>s_pumpernickle@yahoo.com

Gal - Change the names and reverse the genders and you're me. I tried everything I could to put the spark back into our relationship to no avail. All I heard from my wife were excuses. Of course, I wasn't perfect either, but my frustration caused me to think your same thoughts. I never followed through with it, though. But my wife did.<P>In hindsight, I wish I had taken the initiative to go to counseling on my own, to look harder at my own behavior that was contributing to our cooling relationship, and to do the things I knew would be welcomed by her instead of getting mad and sulking.<P>Looks like one of you will eventually take the plunge unless you take some preventive steps soon.<P>The love can be rekindled. There's lots of info on this site about it. The MB counselors, Steve and Jennifer get rave reviews. You have NOTHING to lose, other than their fee, to see what they have to offer. What you have to avoid is incalcuable - the carnage of an affair. What you have to gain is priceless - a happy family for you, your H, and your son.<P>Take it from me and read about it in the stories here, you DO NOT want to go the affair route. There is no way to describe the pain and suffering. I lost a son to cancer. My wife's affair affected me worse.<P>WAT

I said the same thing, why shouldn't I have an affair. To get the feelings my H has, to have the passionate love to experience, to know there is someone else, the secrecy, knowing that you are lieing to your spouse, the deceitfulness, the uncaring toward your spouse, to know you are caring and loving another person except your spouse, to realize that your whole family knows that you are having an affair, and to have that connection with another person who is also married and their spouse does not know. Etc.<P>That is what I have been dealing with my husband and his affair. It sounded exciting to me at one time. I talked to Jennifer about it and told her I wanted an affair. We talked extensively, and you know what? That H of mine has experienced a FANTASY of love and passionate love which he says he wants. He is the one who has to live with loving another woman who will not tell her husband she has been having an affair. He has to know that this woman is a liar, being unfaithful to her husband (this is her 2nd affair), he also has to face family and friends with a straightface and say why he had an affair and was unfaithful to his wife and children. <P>That is why I realized with Jennifers help an affair is for the sinful person who cares only about themselves and only themselves. The WS is very selfish and selfcentered. You are to be the strong one and realize that they are in a deep FOG. They are fantasizing about someone who God sees as untrustworthy. Who wants to marry another person who finds love in affairs, while their husband sits and brings home the paycheck and his wife is out playing with mens minds and bodies? I want to live under Gods eyes. Be a BS that wants the marriage with Gods help. Afterall, we married under Gods eyes. I want to have a clear conscious, knowing that I am faithful to my husband and to him only. I married with vows and conviction to be my husbands lover and only his lover and no one else. To love him only.<P>Think about all the people you will hurt. The brain that God gave you is for you to use properly with good morales. The WS abused their minds and Gods mind with their affairs.<BR>God gave us our brains and the WS has abused God. I had to finally get this through my head with Jennifers help that an affair will bring you to the low level the WS is right now. Do you want to be at that level? Do you want to abuse God? Do you want to face your family with this immoral action? How will you face yourself with having an affair? <P>

Why not? Because you can't imagine the kind of hell you will be creating for yourself. Go to the "just found out board" - do you want to have that on your conscience? Hurting your husband like that? I swear, it is the worst pain I have ever felt, finding out. <P>Its not fair to the OM either. You will just be using him to get your kicks. What kind of a basis for a relationship is that?<P>Its not just other people you will be hurting either.<BR>My wife has been in a depression ever since I found out. She is disgusted with herself and feels she is corrupt.She thought she had soemthing fantastic, and now she realises it was just something sordid and nasty. <BR>Everyone will lose, and no-one will win. And that just for some kicks. <P>It is much better for you tp just walk out. You will hurt his feelings, but at least you will not have betrayed him. And at least you will not have to despise yourself. <P>That doesn't mean you should leave it at that. If you want to save things, you have to be extremely direct with your husband instead of ju t giving hints. You have to literally say you will leave him or have an affair if he doesn't change. That you think that without counselling your marriage will fail. <BR>

I have read all of your postings and while some of your emotions on this matter range differently, each one gives a different perspective as to why I shouldn't have one. Thank You ALL so very much. I sat in amazement and tears started streaming down my face. Your comments really hit home and I truly appreciate you all revealing your pain to me as I have. I don't feel so alone. To give you some more insight, I have done some counseling with him for 4 months. It was initiated because when we first got our computer, I had met someone that stole my heart with his words. He complimented me and made me feel like I was worth something. I was addicted to just talking with him, there was no cyber sex, it was just joking around and sharing thoughts about each others feelings and the things we had in common, which were endless. I then met him and what a mistake that was, I got physical with him. I told the H that I wanted a divorce and what I had done. He said he wanted to work it out and we started to go to counseling. The counselor put him on Zoloft, I think (can't remember) but it was for him being obsessive compulsive. He took the pills for a short time and then said he doesn't need them. We decided to go through with the D, he then also met someone online and was going to meet her. He decided not to and we decided we were going to stay together. Shortly thereafter we got pregnant and I had a miscarriage, we went through a lot and then I got pregnant again and now we have a son. But our relationship seemed to go back to the way it was prior to my going on line and making me vulnerable to wanting to get away, to vent, to have romance, to have someone make me feel wanted. All of my relationships, I always had to slow the sex down, they wanted me so much. The one I marry does not seem to want sex and I wonder if it's him or ME? I wonder...perhaps it's the weight I gained after the baby, about 25 lbs. I still look good (I am 5'9" so it doesn't show much) but I am bigger than when he met me. He says it has nothing to do with it and I am still very sexy to him, but he rarely shows love. What do you think it could be?