Hi again,<P>I have a question I'd like some advice on.<P>The OM has been on vacation for the last 3 weeks. I've been telling my wife that I love her - basically when I've felt like saying it, which has been frequent but not overdone. She's been saying it back - and it's been feeling like she means it. It's been hard work but it feels like a positive step forward from her side.<P>The OM is back today and he called her. I'd made her promise to tell me when this happened - just wanted her to give me an update. ´Keep me in touch with what's going on. She didn't like doing it - said it made her feel like a little girl - but she did it. After she told me, I gave her a hug and told her that I loved her. She then says that I shouldn't say that so often. Said it was an overused term and that it might get worn out. She didn't return the words either. <P>So, my question is how would you react to this ? Do I stop telling her I love her, try to guess when the moments right or just do my thing. I'm inclined to stop and just wait for her to say it to me. That gives me a chance to gauge where her feelings are, to see if she's still moving towards me and to give her some space with the 'fog'. <P>Mmmmm, what do you think ?<P>

There should be no contact with the OM if she is living at home and wishes to work on the marriage and recover. It is virtually impossible to recover if she has any contact with him. A no contact letter to the OM is important. It is unacceptable for her to have any contact with the OM.

You're right. And since he's been away we've been doing a lot better. But she's told me she won't see him alone but she won't break the contact either. Interestingly, she would do this despite knowing that this will hurt me. <P>I can't tell him to back-off, I also can't force her to break the contact. She has to want to do this. I feel comfortable continuing with Plan A, I'm just dissappointed again in my WS.<P>This is so very difficult to cope with because she's damaged my trust in her, my love for her and now she's pushing the bastion of respect I hold for her.<P>Mmmmmm,<P>

<B>It is virtually impossible to recover if she has any contact with him.</B><P>Yeah, I'd strike the "virtually." This is a non-negotiable. If you don't already have a copy of <B>Surviving an Affair</B> by Harley, I'd highly recommend one. If your local bookstores don't have a copy, try a local Christian book store.<P>I know how you feel though. My W is not really close to the point yours is, but I know that if she ever gets there, it's going to be very hard to convince her to totally break all contact with OM. She already refuses to end contact now, but I do not press her on this issue, bor would I the closer she got to committing to the marriage, but as she got closer to that re-committment, I'd have to gently let her know that we can only do that work if she agrees to break all contact. you have to be willing to say no to re-committment if she won't accept this, but you have to be really careful how you do it lest you LB and drive her to him. I'd continue Plan A and reiterate that you're ready when she is. Just work on being the best for you and for her...<P>-zen