Hi thinker,<P>I decided to take this out of your H's thread and begin a new one for you.<P>You said:<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Well he ever beable to look in my eyes and see love? Well he ever be able to see that the OW is not what he thinks she is? Especially the OW not telling her husband about the affair. Keeping the affair a secret is so wrong, and she will pay for it deeply one day. I know he is in a deep FOG and is looking for fantasy. But he has a wonderful family and wife waiting here for him.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>The answer is yes, it is possible for him to one day see the love... but NOT RIGHT NOW. Don't expect it, okay?<P>Yes, the OW should tell her secret to her H. You can't do it right now because it would be a lovebuster, right? Your H would lose it, right? So... you must let that go right now.<P>You need to just work on loving your H because it's good for YOU and YOUR MARRIAGE. Read about Plan A again, and again, and again, until you become an EXPERT on it.<P>Find posts by Lostva (her name is Lori), who executed a very nice Plan A and got her H home, after he moved in with the OW. She even had a daughter who called Robert "daddy" and that added another terrible deminsion to his relationship with Lori. It seemed that he'd never come home. But he DID.<P>Your H is deeply in love with the OW right now. That sux a big one, I know. You can't change that. But you can change YOU, and YOU will feel better about YOU, which in turn will help your marriage. You can't change him... and I know you know that.<P>Just wanted to offer you a thread/place of your own. <P><BR><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

<I>bump</I>

Thinker,<BR>Listen to Nyneve! She's right.<P>Especially about doing a search for "lostva"'s posts, it will do wonders for you. She's got a post in the Notable posts that gives an excellent defination of Plan A. . I actually didn't really get Plan A until I read this post from her.<P>Good things can come out of all this ugliness & pain if you let them!

Thanks, I will look up Lostva posts and find her Plan A. It is hard knowing that my husband loves the OW. But I will try to do Plan A. Would be nice to get some affection from him once in awhile. I am going through other difficulties in life too. So I have other stresses going on too. Menopause problems, and my dad had 4 mini strokes about 2 months ago, which has caused him medical problems. My mother is taking care of him and the house and the garden which is my dads form of happiness and staying alive. Just to let you know I am not crazy but stressed out big time.

Also, forgot to add. What do you do when your husband says he is going out on a bid, for airconditioning, leaves at 7:30pm and I stayed up till 10:30pm and finally went to bed cause he didn't come home? Where is the caring and thoughtfulness to his wife to let her know he is OK and just wanted to be by himself. If he wanted this time to talk to the OW then let it be. But this is where thoughtfulness needs to be expressed in this family. <P>We talked about doing something for him when he came home and I stayed up for that. I guess it was not important for him after awhile. My caring was there, but I guess it was only onesided.

Thinker,<P>I am going to do something I don't normally do. I'm going to tell you who my ex was, and I want you to go read some of his postings and replies, including mine to him. You'll have to go to the "Read Only" posts, which are located above General Questions II in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/Ultimate.cgi?action=intro&BypassCookie=true" TARGET=_blank>Forum Listing</A> . <P>His name was 3wishes, and my name was new_beginning. Do the search for HIM, **not** me, because I had over 4000 posts under that name and you'll never sort out where he was. I want you to find the posts that he and I both wrote on. He didn't write many posts -- maybe 50, so it shouldn't be difficult. I want you to see that he and I argued back and forth, defended ourselves, and he finally just left MB for good -- which was the beginning of the end of the marriage.<P>This may seem strange for me to write and tell you this, because I'm remarried. I try to **forget** that stuff. But I think it needs to be remembered. If you're up to it, then do a search on GQII and the Divorced/Diovorcing board for new_beginning and read how tormented I was as we went through the divorce process.<P>See, what you're going through may feel *unique* to you (and I am so very sorry for your pain, truly I am) but you'll find out that it's (yes, even your dad's medical problems and your menupause) these kinds of things that cause "changes" in the marriage... plus, when you say it's hard 'cause he loves the OW... I was once an OW (in fact it's what brought me to MB in the first place) and my ex could NOT let go... he'd had affairs before (in the 80's) and then he began more revenge affairs again... he COULD NOT LET GO of my affair... now, **you** can't let go. <P>I'm afraid for you, for your marriage. <P>This is going to be up to you. I know it isn't fair. But it's the truth. I have taken a personal liking to you, and I have been where you are. My ex was with the OW that in my mind finished off the marriage up until recently. Heck, I think they still are "friends"... he's going on a cross-country vacation with her this month. She's been around for two years... he SAYS it's because **I** stopped working on the marriage. I say it's because he wouldn't let her go. See the problem?<P>Take care... I sure to understand those hormonal problems... I'm peri-menupausal, and spend much of my days (at least twice a month) in utter tears, with some pretty icky physical symptoms.<P>I will pray for your father too!!<P>Best wishes, thinker.<P>Edit: If you have trouble finding postings, let me know. I'll find them and get you links. But I happen to think that you're "working" to find them would be a good idea. It will get you used to researching the board. You need the experience. This will be one heck of a project -- this fixing your marriage thing.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Nyneve (edited July 12, 2001).]

Thinker, yep, it is pretty one sided right now. Unfair isn't it? I know, believe me, I know how much that hurts, how much you want to be cared for by him, how much you want to be held, etc. But (you KNEW there was a but comming didn't you??!!), it's just not time right now.<P>I read this in a book & it really hit me:<P>Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?<P>Do you want things to be fair, or do you want results?<P>It's gonna go against your grain for a while to do the things you're gonna have to do in Plan A, but it's the only way. You want RESULTS, right? Unfortunately, right now, it's up to you to work for them, and you'll probably be doing it alone for a while. But you can get them, it's possible! Read & post here as much as you can! It'll do wonders for you!