I am at my wits end. I am tired. I am considering telling H, the heck with him and his 'leaving.' I am leaving...I need to get away and think for a couple of days...<P>He just doesn't get what the boys are doing when he is not here....when they don't know when he will be back...<P>that they don't understand why he doesn't sleep with mommy anymore...why he doesn't sleep here anymore.<P>Cali

Hey Cali,<BR>What if you tell the boys to go ahead and ask their dad all their questions next time they see their dad? Wouldn't that take the pressure off of you feeling like you have to answer (or not answer) their questions?

The boys are 7 1/2, 5 and 2...they have a difficult time asking me...when he's here they just want to enjoy him...<P>He has been so angry lately (out of character for him), they have become afraid of him....it is getting better...<P>I was just really, really tired today...feeling better now.<P>Cali

Cali,<P>Ok, how about 1 day or 1/2 a day? H needs to know. <P>Thanks for your note. It sure is nice to be back here. <P>L.<BR>

Hi Cali,<P>I sort of know how you feel....I desperately need my WH to SEE and REALISE what the heck he's doing to our girls, but I can't - because if I tell him of the nightmares, the crying, the aggression, the tantrums, the terror that they are suffering, then it seems as though I'm using them as pawns, and trying to pile another guilt trip on him. So, like you, I carry the burden alone - try to cope as best I can. My girls didn't get to sleep until 11pm tonight - last night the youngest was up until 10.30pm and eventually I had to have her in bed with me, then carry her through when she finally stopped crying and fell asleep. It's so hard seeing your little ones hurt like this, and even harder when the person who promised to help bring them up suddenly isn't there, doesn't seem to care, or is too self-absorbed to notice the grim reality of the situation.<P>Cali, I'm sending you lots of hugs. Maybe you should arrange to get away for a couple of days, have a break - but don't do it in a LB'ing way, by just packing up and leaving - that will destroy your kids because they are relying on you to be their rock, their security. It has to be planned, a good 'excuse' made (like a friend is sick and needs you), and reassurance given that you will call them and you will be back soon.<P>If you can't manage this, then at the very least arrange to go for lunch or coffee with a friend - you desperately need to look after yourself, because it's only if YOU are OK that you can do the best for your kids. You must put yourself first - a tired, stressed-out Mom is not a good thing <P>Loads of hugs (((((((((((((Cali)))))))))))))))<BR>Paint.

I agree with Paint. Take some time for yourself. I know that even though I ws the one that had the A., I have actually been the one with my son. I took a long three hour drive to give myself time to think about everything. Just go relax. I told my son that I would be back and I called him. He dealt with it really well. You need to de-stress a little. My prayers are still with you.

JustPlainCali,<P>I have seen the anger first hand when the WS goes through the fog/withdrawal, or sitting on the fence. And it is a terrible way to treat your children. Our girls also got (one in particular) afraid of their dad. My oldest did not want to go with him - it wasn't he would do anything, he was just showing his anger. I had to tell him his daughter was afraid of him (reality check).<P>Now that our OW is truly gone!!!! Yea. He is much lighthearted, and teasing with the girls. They are enjoying their father.<P>I feel for your and his boys - if that WS would just realize. Hang in there Cali, I know this is hard, I know this is terrible on you. hugs, aftershock

Cali, yeah we are back on!! Thanks so much for your help last night, I really needed the encouragement.<P>I think Paint is right on the $$. I do not think it's a good idea to leave the kids with their dad for a few days. They are trying to deal with all this right now. You need to be their rock, you are their rock. Get time for yourself, go our for 1/2 day or a day, but be there to tuck them in at night. Be their rock.<P>I still remember when I was 5 minutes late getting OD from school a few weeks back and how she cried because she thought I wasn't coming for her (I had forgotten her caterpillar and went back to get it so I was late). As soon as I saw her - I knew. I knew and felt horrible. It wasn't my fault, but I had to be her rock and I wasn't that day.<P>You can do this!! My H refused to believe anything was wrong with the kids too. Do you think H will pay for them to get counseling (and you can do it w/o LBing?). Maybe schedule it through healthcare or freecare? If he sees from someone else the pain he is causing, then he cannot blame you, only himself. See what I mean??<P>I think having your kids talk to H is a great idea, but I know it didn't work for me either. OD didn't want to talk to her dad about bad things, just enjoy the good times. She talked to me instead...<P>Do you get to see my post the other day about dealing with your 5 year old and the tantrums? Did it help at all?

Hi {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Cali)))))))))))))))),<BR>Hope you feel better today!<BR>I did not come here for 3weeks,just catching up your update. I heart go out to you!<BR>When I find out about my WH's A, I made a sign to myself and posted it on the refri.. The sing is still there till this day and I think it help me a lot. Hope it might help you also -<P><BR> Be Strong Cali !!<BR> Be Very Strong Cali !!<BR>There are a lot of things you have to do.<P>Be Strong -<BR> LOVE and HOPE<BR> will make you survive!<BR> BE STRONG CALI

{{{{{{{{{Cali}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Want to come to NY? <P>I agree sounds like you do need to get away for a few days.<P>On the kids, I would encourage them all to write and draw about how they feel and their questions so they can give it to their dad. It will be good for them therapy wise, and will give him a chance to see their feelings and respond to them hopefully too. You might want to buy the older ones journals, and the younger ones a big coloring pad. they need to express their feelings and vent as much as adults do if not more, they are really out of control in this whole situation.<P>

Hey all...<P>I packed my bags and they were at the bottom of the stairs in the entryway when H got here last night...<P>He got kids in order (with very little yelling and anger for a change). He went to laundry room and started a load...I hugged him and said I can't do this anymore...I don't like it this way....He didn't say anything, but hugged me back...We started eating dinner...Kids finished and went outside to ride bikes when he mentioned my bags.<P>H: So are you leaving.<BR>Me: I was considering it.<BR>H: What did the kids say?<BR>Me: Nothing...they didn't notice the bags.<P>That was it...I put my head on table and laid there for a long time...praying...I can't do this anymore...help me figure out what to say, what to do...it is in Your hands now, for real...I am too tired...<P>Then, H started doing things around the house; he went online...started conversing with me about things...asked if there was a movie I wanted to watch on cable...we sat and watched for a while on separate couches...then I asked if I could sit with him...I leaned on him and sorta watched...sorta slept...at first he was careful not to 'touch' me...then I noticed his arm on me...soft touches...and I relaxed and went to sleep...<P>When he finally left, I asked him to stay...he said not tonight...I asked another night? and he said yes...also when I lifted face to kiss me...he kissed me back...<P>I talked to middle son this a.m. he said he is mad at daddy for not living here and sleeping here. I told him he needed to tell his dad that...that it would help him feel better...not to keep it inside...I will help him later to draw some pictures.<P>Thanks for all your support.<BR>Cali

Cali...<P>{{{{HUGGGGGGGZZZ}}}}<P>I honestly don't know how you do it...the emotional tug of war you are going through is amazing! I know you are torn apart inside, but Man oh Man...what a friggin trooper you are! I wish for you love, happiness, and all the best as you continue this journey!! We love ya!!! Keep the faith!!<P>Trueheart

<<<<Cali>>>>>>><P>You know you can't leave dear, not a good idea. In fact, horrible idea. Don't do it.Your kids need you at home. Your kids must not think you are abandoning them Cali, take the bags out of the hallway, don't let them see them there.<P>If you can't take it anymore - go to plan B, for real. Your H has already moved out, he's still with OW, and he is depending on you for like 80% of his EN's!!! Since he will not understand plan B, explain to him that it causes you too much pain to have him in/out of your life. You don't deserve to live like that. You need to get on with your life while he is trying to figure out his, the least he can do is help you do this by not contacting you unless he is ready for reconciliation. Give him a new plan B letter. (you can just hand him the letter and not talk about it either, but I don't think that would work for you. I think you will need to explain it).<P>That is my suggestion to you. It is damn hard to do, but I think it will give your H the wake-up call he needs. Love Must be Tough...

BTW--I am not leaving, though I think I will go to the mud baths tomorrow...just have to arrange childcare...I don't think H is doing anything, or will ask a friend...I know I just need a day by myself...<P>Plan B is around the corner...I have a time limit...<P>Cali

Cali,<P>Take a mud bath for me, too! You deserve some alone time. Don't back down when the time limit is up. Give yourself a little. You know what, even though it's hard and it hurts, it will help. You have to realize that he may not come back, but even if he doesn't you have to realize that you will be ok. You have many friends who are here for you and no matter what, think of the future. For as Scarlett O'Hara once said, "tomorrow is another day"<BR>Good luck, LOL<P>------------------<BR>OVERBOARD

Cali:<P>Sorry your going through such torment. My H was so extremely irritable and nasty before he left and after. Of course I didn't know the real reason at the time. I now think it was all the conflict he was going through within himself and that's why he is was lashing out in anger. Most likely guilt. I feel for your children. <P>I said a prayer for you. May God Bless you. <P>((((HUGS))))