Hi Lexxxy,<P>If you marry the other man now, you get some more children, you are very happy to get rid of your old family once and for all and then the Other Man just happens to meet a new woman that is much more than you. Then how would you feel. <P>If the other man promised to be with you forever but changes his mind. His justification is easy, you did it so what's the big deal? The children..children are children, somehow they might get over it??? If you ruin their lives,... well that's life?? You can make a good choice or a bad choice. Bad choices ruin people's lives. The most unselfish thing you can do is to think about your family and not yourself. The other person is not your family. I am sure there are many more other people that are even more appealing sexually, physically, emotionally, financially. Do you run after each of these? <P>Can you think of the good times with your family? Can you think you used to be happy with your husband? How will you live with yourself if you destroy your husband and three beautiful children? Eventually a husband can forgive you as soon as you come to your senses. <P>Your life does not need to be a disaster. It does not need to be complicated. You are choosing to make it complicated. You are choosing to take the dangerous road. You can make your life very simple. You can learn to love again who you should love. You can learn to be a good person again. <P>If your friends, your children, your relatives do what you are doing, what would you say? There are so many affairs these days, yours is just one more. Why contribute to this? Your Other Man thing is a kind of addiction. Logically is does not make sense to let another stranger into your bed with your husband. <P>I guess it is hard to get your old feelings back for your family. Think about what your husband has to go through. It's a lot tougher on him yet he is willing to try to save the marriage. He has a sense of responsibility. He is mature. He is thinking of the children and of you. You are thinking of what? <P>But if you are totally repulsed by your husband then the only thing to do I guess is to marry the other man and live happily ever after. From what you say this is now the only choice. Having sex with your husband it seems is the most disgusting thing you can think of. For him what you did is also the most disgusting thing he could think of that any wife would do. I know this feeling, it happened to me. Yet he can try to live with it, you can't. <P>Do you think you are a mature person? I can't get over your statement "I don't want to disappoint the other man." Who is the other man. Some guy that likes to have sex with a married woman. What does he deserve? You owe nothing to other people. You owe to your family. Your family is the only important thing and maybe more important than your sexual needs. <P>To me children are so important. I really feel sorry for all the things they have to go through. How can you face ruining three lives? Well it's true they might get over it. What kind of example are you setting? Again if the new other man does it to you the next time (What goes around, comes around) then what? <P>Your husband married you because he loved you. What kind of a statement is it that you can't understand why he wants you? When you marry you promise to marry forever. If the times are good or bad, you promised to be together forever.<P>It's easy for a stranger to say all kinds of stuff because we are not emotionally involved. If you are so repulsed by your husband then you better escape. Your husband doesn't need top read a huge stack of paper but you do. <P>I think you should give it a year and then decide what to do. Try to be a good mother at least even if you cannot be a good wife. Just think about your children for a year. Don't divorce. You have a brain. Think with it. Don't do foolish emotional things. Life doesn't have to be as complicated as you make it out to be. Without you the Other Man will find some other married woman to have sex with. So don't worry about him.

Well Rodger -- that statement ", you are very happy to get rid of your old family once and for all" is quite patronizing and nasty.<P>You havent read the anguish and concern I have over that. <P>You speak as though my H is such a gem for sticking with me. Maybe you should consider that his neglect of me is what got us here in the first place. <P>Sure I can think of a time when I thought we were happy. And guess what? My H was having an affair at that time. Is that what I should want back?<P>You keep saying I dont love my family. You need to separate that. I adore my children. I am not so sure about my H. I cared so deeply for him once. And I was let down in so many ways. I checked out. I withdrew. And instead of getting a divorce 3 years ago, I started an affair. For a long time it was a way to make me happy and get my emotional needs met without the devastation of divorce. Sure thats still a possiblity -- but it was a possibilty before the A too. Now it just may happen for a different reason. <P>Probably I should have done it back then. I need to consider that with all the resentment and anger I hold toward my H that this whole situation was vengeful on my part. Thats very possible. <P>SNL -- thanks for your reply. I wondered if anyone else had those feelings. <P>It kind of makes sense when you think about it that way. I am just not willing to be pushed back into GIVE mode. I keep hearing promises about how much he realizes he messed up. But no real proof that his actions or behaviors will change. So I am supposed to jump back into a committed marriage and trust him to take care of me. I dont. I am taking care of myself. <P>And frankly I get sooo tired of hearing about what a saint my H is. More on that one later.<P>

BTW Zen -- <BR>hope you're still here -- I wanted to reply to your questions.<P>My physical relationship with my H had been disatisfying for me for quite some time. Another one of those issues he knew about but thought he could slide by. "didn't know how important it was to me."<P>This is intensely personal -- but I'll tell you in case it helps you.<P>My H and I agreed that after we had children, he would get a vasectomy. Well he didnt. For years and years. Our birth control method was withdrawal. Yipee. Didn't do much for me. But I refused to take responsibility for this like I do for everything else. So this went on for years. I'd ask over and over again for him to take care of it. And he didnt. Until guess what? I went in and got birth control pills. At that point I could hardly stand being with him anymore. I didnt want to kiss him. I almost always was facing away from him in our positions. It was no longer an act of love or intimacy for me. By the time he got the vasectomy, we barely had a physical relationship left. <P>Its so hard for me to even think about going back to him in a sexual way. <P>

Lexxxy,<P>I have recommendation for you, actually several. First, if you have not read Surviving an Affair by Harley do so. There a few other books that also will help along those lines but my memory is failing me right now. You said you are reading His Needs Her Needs, am I correct. That is good.<P>Now for my second recommendation. Get a copy of both of these books and give them to your H. He needs to read them cover to cover. It seems to me if he is serious he will see what he needs to do to in the way of actions to win you back.<P>Yes, you are angry, and that is normal. Yes, you had reasons for the affair, but no excuses. The sad part is that you will realize later what you have done to yourself with this affair.<P>But meanwhile, do some reading and get your H to read these books. Then let's see what he says and is willing to do.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<P>PS: Lexxxy, it is never too late to go to church as a family. Heck, I could see you, H, the children, and their families going to church. It doesn't stop with their youth.

Hi Lexxxy,<P>Well I don't know the whole situation. Perhaps what you did was fine. My responses sometimes are maybe out of anger at what my wife did to me when she had an affair and we were newly married and madly in love. So I just thinking what she did to me and then thought about what you did to your husband. However I didn't obviously take into consideration that your husband is not a saint. Our case was different because we were at the very start of a relationship with no problems of any kind. I think an affair isn't a problem solver though. A lot of people seem to do that these days. Later they feel bad because obviusly it was the wrong thing to do. Well some people don't feel bad. My wife didn't feel bad at all and just says it was because she was in one country and I was in another and so it was OK. Sometimes she says it was OK ands sometimes she admits it was not OK. Depends on her mood. It seemed that all kinds of people were telling you stuff but it didn't seem to make an impact. So I tried some other approach to save your marriage but that didn't help either.

oops!!<p>[This message has been edited by Uphill-Climb (edited July 16, 2001).]

I can relate so much to what you're saying, Lexxy. With my H even after 2 wives and 7 children that he knows of..2 of them with me...he still wouldn't have a vasectomy. THe birth control was left up to me and I used it but ended up pregnant shortly before I was 40. There really wasn't much of a choice as far as I was concerned, at least mentally, so I had my tubes tied at the same time that I had an abortion. It really took it's toll on me and our relationship. Now, 9 years later, the anger I feel towards him for many other things than just that....how do you get rid of something that you've held in for years??? My husband admits he did a lot of crappy things but he just wants me to forgive and forget...sweep things under the carpet. When I think about living like this the rest of my life, all I feel is rage.<P>------------------<BR>

Hi Lexxxy,<P>Sorry I didn't understand your whole situation and what your husband did to you by having and affair a long time ago. I can understand why you have an affair. I still think it was wrong but I bet many BS spouses would feel like having a revenge affair. I think to keep a marriage together is a good high level principle but for some marriages, they are beyond repair. Your tough job is to figure out what kind of marriage you have and then just take some simple action to work on repair or to declare it beyond repair and move on with a firm resolve to do it better the next time.

Lexxxy:<P>Yep, still here. Thanks for the reply... And I appreciate your honesty.<P>Thanks,<BR>zen