What is it in me that I can’t get past the “wanting and waiting” for my H and his OW to fail in their relationship. Why can’t I simply wish him luck in his new life with his new family. It makes me feel like a bad person, but a part of me feels justified in knowing that one day, although perhaps years from now, they will have major problems and he will not be happy. Why do I feel comforted by that? It’s wrong.<P>I don’t know how to let go of this. It just feels so wrong what he did, all the ways he did it. All the blaming he did, all the lies he told, all the revisionist history he claimed for our entire horribly unhappy 15+ year marriage. Before he left he told me so many hurtful things, but one thing in particular stands out in my mind. He said that our problems were just a combo of he and I, that with another person he won’t have the problems. That it was just bad chemistry between only US. So perhaps that’s why I’m keeping radar on his relationship, to show him that it wasn’t the combo of he and I, that any relationship he enters into will be work and until he works on himself and see his part in our demise, he’ll continue to run up against the same issues.<P>And to be perfectly honest, the idea he felt and said it was just the combo of “He and I” is such a hurtful rejection. Makes me feel like I am irretrievably broken. Jeeeez!<P>Can anyone get a break around here? (sorry .. … having a pity party)<P>Jo<BR><P>------------------<BR>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak which can snap in the wind"

I know the pain. So sorry. I have ben there for 7 months. H lives with ow. He left me and our two children. Blames me for everything. I guess they have to work it out themselves. Ow is perfect and he loves her.Oh joy! I just keep reading and posting.

Maybe you are not moving forward because you are AFRAID to let go of the past or if you let go then that will really mean the end of a relationship that meant so much to you. You know it is over physically, but emotionally you don't want it to be, it was something that felt comfortable and something u lived for so long that you don't know how to live any other way. You must start getting out and living outside of that old marriage, outside of your memories. JMO

Jo - I don't know how to move on other than to wait for the latent desires to fade.<P>Could be that you want to be satisfied you are right, but you have this tiny bit of doubt that won't let you continue on until you're absolutely sure you are right.<P>Well, I think you're right. Maybe we should decide that being happy is more important than being right.<P>WAT

My H says our 11 year relationship was unhappy and we're bad for each other. It is horrible rejection!!! But it is the fog of the A they are in. It is NOT you. You didn't imagine happiness. It was real. You didn't imagine HIS happiness. It was real. He is not thinking clearly and you can't believe what he says. <P>Let him go and figure things out - even if you are CONVINCED it is a mistake. He will learn his lesson one day. He will get his. Forgive him for hurting you - and quit blaming him for ruining your life. He hasn't asked for forgiveness, but you are hurting yourself by being angry and bitter. Release him from the responsibility of making things right. He might, and he might NOT. Your life must go on whether or not he EVER makes things right. Release him from the responsibility of making you happy with his decisions.<P>This is what I have done and made a HUGE difference in my happiness. Was not easy, nor do I ALWAYS feel peaceful - about 50% of the time (6 weeks since D-Day... 4 weeks since he left), but it helped me. I want his relationship with OW to fail - I want him to crawl home and beg for another chance - I want him to make things right. But as long as I am WISHING for those things to happen in order to move on, I will NEVER move on. That is putting MY happiness in HIS hands. He can't handle that. Neither can your H. Don't depend on him for your happiness.<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

Hey Jo,<P>I wish I could say something that would make you feel better Jo. It helped me when I finally realized that I did nothing wrong. I know MB teaches us to take 100% responsibility for 50% of our marriages, and I feel like I did, but man, what a mess these MEN made Jo. Not us honey, THEM.<P>A few months ago Steve had some business to see to with my mother. He tried to justify his behavior to her of all people, whining that I have a nicer home than he does now and how I was always moody during our marriage. My mother told him that I was a good wife and mother and never so much as looked at another man in 20 years. Steve hung his head and agreed. It was so healing for me that my mother said what she did to him. <P>Jo, you were a good wife...you are/were a good stepmom. I wish you could finally believe that you did nothing wrong here. You married a weak flawed man that will never deserve you. You have a joy for living that I'm afraid is being taken away by him. You've got to find a way to let him go Jo. <P>Something else kind of silly that I did...when to a pyscic...I think I did that right after you were here. She told me Steve and OW may actually end up together, but are destined to live very unhappy lives. She said they deserve each other. Now, she may have been telling me what I needed to hear, but hey, it put a smile on my face. Maybe you should give it a try.<P>Ok, as usual I'm going on and on. I just worry about you Jo, that you keep thinking it's you that are somehow flawed and if you could see this from the perspective of each and every person that knows you ~ you could see it all so clearly. STEVE (YOUR STEVE) WILL SAY ANYTHING IN THE WORLD TO NOT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIS!!! It's what they do Jo, all of them. It's in the cheaters rule-book, along with those other doozies like "she's my soul-mate", and the ever popular "I love you but I'm not in love with you". It's pure crap Jo, and you know it, you've told dozens of other people here on these boards the same thing. <P>Ok, rant done. Just leave him in the dust honey, he has chosen the low-road. <P>allison

Jo- I can so relate to how you feel. My H of 15 yrs also did the revisionist thing- said he got married because he was 26 and better hurry up! And on and on with changing the way things really were. I often want to tell him, "Wherever you go- there you are." I remember at therapy when he was still very involved with OW, H was complaining about our marriage how I wasnt neat enough - the counselor was pointing out how H is compulsive about wanting things clean and organized- I told the therapist how once H even re-wrapped a kids bday party gift because he said I didnt do the corners right. Well the therapist looked right at H and said, " You know- even if you leave your wife you'll be taking that compulsive problem right along with you!" I was so pleased he told H that. lifeismessy

Jo- I can so relate to how you feel. My H of 15 yrs also did the revisionist thing- said he got married because he was 26 and better hurry up! And on and on with changing the way things really were. I often want to tell him, "Wherever you go- there you are." I remember at therapy when he was still very involved with OW, H was complaining about our marriage how I wasnt neat enough - the counselor was pointing out how H is compulsive about wanting things clean and organized- I told the therapist how once H even re-wrapped a kids bday party gift because he said I didnt do the corners right. Well the therapist looked right at H and said, " You know- even if you leave your wife you'll be taking that compulsive problem right along with you!" I was so pleased he told H that. lifeismessy

Jo,<P>You have been so supportive and helpful to me in my times of need lately...<P>I am a reader...if I have a problem I search for a book to help me answer or figure out my problem...I now have 1/2 dozen books on infidelity !...anyway...I have two book recommendations for you.<P>1. <I>Secrets of the Vine </I>by Bruce Wilkinson...(he also wrote The Prayer of Jabez).<P>2. <I>The Way of Agape </I> by Chuck and Nancy Missler<P><I>Secrets of the Vine </I> is on bestseller list right now so should be fairly easy to find...If you have a Costco warehouse or Sam's club, you can find it there for a decent price. <I> The Way of Agape </I> I found at a Christian bookstore.<P>Both talk about God's love, unconditional love, and God's discipline in your life....read separately they are both very meaningful...but when read together...they have had a very big impact on me....I am seeing God's miracles every day.<P>I pray for your strength and your hope.<P>Cali

Jo,<P>Are you currently "without contact", in regards to your husband (Plan B)? If so, how long has it been?

Dear Jo,<P>I hear you and in pain feel for you. Wanting to move on and go past all of this when there is just something tugging at your heart is easier said than done. <P>We can not remove that for you. As much as I would like to pull that part our of your heart, I just can't. At this point, it appears (at least for me), like a pain that needs to subside. Refocusing may help, doing for others as you have been so good at (I speak from experience here people - Jo is a lifesaver - she helped both me and sadandalone) and I am sure there are more suggestions that others can come up with. <P>I talked with another person late last night and she said that it could take 1 to 1 1/2 years to get our Ws's out of our systems. That our body produces a chemical that can be sparked by contact with the WS, while that same chemical in the WS is being sparked (at least for now) by the OP. Where wil this lead? In some cases back the to BS and in others, the BS will move on. The WS may want to come back but at that time, the BS will have already moved on. This could be what happens to us. Time will tell. <P>Sorry I could not be more positive. I would love to go over there and pound some sense into your WS. I know you would do the same for me. <P>Jo, you are a beautiful woman who deserves so much more. Please let that be the piece of you that he allowed you to keep. No one can take that beauty and love away from you, it is yours to share with, yours to keep. <P>Please take care and thanks for your pep talk last night. I truly appreciated it. <P>L.<P>

Thanks everyone for your responses.<P>I'm trying to be totally honest with myself about all of this, I've found that I have applied band aides to so many wounds and now they're pealing off and I'm exposed, showing hurt and anger. But I'm determined to be a better person. Gawd, this infidelity stuff takes so damn long to get thru, so many phases, so much to battle. I don't know how the the rest of you feel, but I miss my WS (H), even still. Mostly I miss talking to him and laughing with him. But that's where Plan A left me, not an empty love bank.<P>Gabby:<BR>I'm so sorry about your H leaving you and your two children. That "BLAME" thing is one of the worse things in this mess. Don't let him make you believe you are to blame for his A, that is HIS STUFF, his decision, his demon. He alone owns that. Do stay here and post and read, this place saved my life. <P>T24G:<BR>I am afraid, and I'm not ashamed to admit that. Being entirely on your own, with no family, can be a scary deal. I have to rely on ME for everything. And you're so right, the emotional part of this is so hard to release, all those memories. ughhh....<P>WAT:<BR>I re-read my post, and it DOES look lke I just want to be right about them falling apart. I still have so much work to do. I see people that have gone thru a D and they're so bitter and callouse (unhappy), I fear I'll be just like them and not see it in myself. <P>Faith1:<BR>I am blaming him (H), and I know that's wrong. Thanks Faith, I needed to be reminded of that. <P>Allison:<BR>Man ... there you are, to the rescue. At times don't you struggle with this same thing/issues, Allison? It's an up and down thing with me. And I really do work at being introspective about it, but I find myself searching for answers, answers I may never get. Jeeez, how long does this take? Yeah, letting him go ... I know you're right, maybe taking all his left behind belongings, throwing them into a dumpster and lighting it on fire may help?!?! lol I'm so happy to hear your Mom gave Steve a "what for", he needed to hear that. Your Mom ROCKS! Thank you for kicking me in the butt, sweetie. Thank you for being Allison. <P>Lifeismessy:<BR>I love hearing that, your counseler telling your H that he will take his issues with him, it's so true. And it rings true for us (BS) as well. Right now I feel I have a steamer trunk full of 'em. But I'm determined to unpack it.<P>Cali:<BR>Thank you for posting to me. I know you have so much going on right now, and the fact you took the time to respond to me says so much about you. I plan on buying those books this week-end. I look at my book case and all the books in it now are either related to Infidelity, Marriage or Self Help ... what a Library!<P>K:<BR>I have been in Plan B 10 mos. There have been weak points (talked to my H when he told me he was filing) but I've pretty much stuck to no-contact. H continues to attempt contact, I have a step-son I see (H's son) he fathered during our marriage and (H) uses that as an excuse.<P>Orchid:<BR>Thank you for your kind words. Any time you need to talk, I am here. Don't ever hesitate calling me. I'm happy to be there for you. I've been where you are right now, and the people on MB helped me stay stong in my Plan B. Stay strong, L. <P><BR>Best,<BR>Jo<BR>

Resilient, I just wanted to add my 2 cents here. All of the advice you have gotten so far is awesome.<P>I know this may sound weird, others can flame me if they want, but I feel what you may need is to believe H WILL always be with OW (always be WITH her, but definately he will be unhappy!). I know realistically, the odds are good this won't happen (this is a good thing!!), but if you keep believing it won't work out for them and your H will figure things out and possibly want to work on your marriage again, you'll drive yourself insane.<P>Although I think it will crush you to start to believe this, I think afterwards you will find yourself renewed and you can start living life again. And if what probably is going to happen, does happen (he realizes OW for what she is), then you truly start all over from scratch since your love bank will be next to nothing.<P>I don't know. It's just a thought... Another thought I had (which I hope you do) is to make 2 lists. The first list has 5 items on it and lists 5 big things you will do this month that you enjoy. The 2nd list has 10 items and it lists the 10 big things you will do this year that you enjoy.<P>Then, when you feel down, take out your list, and plan one of these things. Maybe it's a vacation, or a weekend at the beach, whatever. You don't have to do it right then and there, but you need to make plans for it to help lift you up.<P>good luck, resilient. Thank you for all your help. I hope some of my advice may work for you. <P>LOL,<BR>HbH

Jo, <P>Based on your answer to the Plan B question, I'd expect that you would start to "let him go" over the next year or so. The bitterness that you feel towards the divorce and your hope for failure of this new relationship are very normal---it simply will take time (that 4-letter word) to heal.<P>Continue with Plan B. It will help to "drain" the lovebank, although slowly. When you're ready, you will move on.<P>God bless, Jo.

Hi Jo:<P>Before I try to give you any advise on dealing with your situation I need a question answered. What is the status of WH & OW's relationship....is marriage in the picture in the near future? This kinda gives me a clue to where he is.<BR>I'm a firm believer that when he makes the firm commitment to marry OW this is the point at which you should cease to have any further concern with him. Up until that time it is conceivable that all that has taken place is appeasement to OW to sustain the relationship. <P>As you know my WH has never wanted a divorce and at first blamed me and the fact that "we are so different" as the basis for his needing to seek OW. If he had continued in this obsurity then I think eventually I would have been able to move on....but now he has completely reversed his thinking and now sees himself as just weak and unable to break away from OW and has begun to take his own responsibility for the problems in the marriage and is actually trying to work with me. In other words his attitude has changed and there still seems to be a possibility for the marriage. Do you think there is a chance that "old spineless" will ever come to his senses?<P>A separate question is whether you should ever want him back at all even if their relationship was to end...and as long as he continues to reside in the fog of believing that your entire relationship was flawed because of personality conflicts (a problem he supposable won't have with OW), I don't think you would. So, short of his having a miracluous clearing of the fog in the near future, I think eventually you will reach the point that you will be ready to move on and once you have moved on, you will no longer care whether or not WH's relationship with OW fails or not. By that time hopefully, someone will have moved into your life and, with enough love and caring for you, managed to convince you of what a truly wonderful person you are and how crazy WH was to give you up. <P>I know you've told me several times that when the time comes for you to let go you will know it, so I give you the same advise in return...but don't ever doubt that he will truly be the loser if you ever decide to let him go for good.<P>Faye<P>

The timing of this thread is perfect for me. The thoughts here are very encouraging and enlightening. WS told me Sunday that he probably has to leave cause he does not think he can ever be what I need or want. WS feels that he may need to separate to appreciate me but on the other hand he feels he can't open up his "soul" to me. Of course, I never thought he knew he had a soul cause he always drank away his feelings. I think the A has awakened in him his emotional needs. BUT I am feeling that he just needs to go and find out if this OW is so "easy to talk to" after he hurts her or after she criticizes him for something he did or said or after she finds out some of his faults. <P>Resilient, I too want him to experience failure cause a part of me wonders if what he is saying is true and we do not have a connection OR that he is just fogging the issues that he is unwilling to work on what he has. (Ya know love the one you are with) Sometimes reality can only be seen in hindsight. Boy, I hate that. So much is lost and at stake when we have to go through a round about process to achieve reality. <P>I know perspective is important....if you go through the separation with what will be will be then you can be prepared for whatever lies ahead. If a marriage is so unhappy for years, why do we want to hang on to it? For me, when my husband wasn't drinking, we had a connection and closeness that started to evolve and I do think a togetherness could have grown if he continued to stay sober. I cannot forget that and I can't let that go real easy but in reality if he does not work on himself as I am working on myself, marital recovery and stability cannot occur. One partner cannot work out the solutions and promote healing from an A or past marital problems.<P>Resilient---it is so hurtful when H says he cannot find a connection with you. I know the feeling and I am so sorry you know it too.<P>If my H leaves, I am going to move forward and if he decides to come back, I will revisit my feelings and see if it is possible for us. I know some days this is doable and some it is not. But with God's help, all things are possible.<P>TW