Well, i blew a gasket! H and I were arguing over something small and as usual he started raising his voice and it escalated, ending with us calling each other names. When i got to work i sent a SENT email to H and his ex or still OW! (REMINDER: In April she sent him an email and the email account she has is in H's name...example: hubbysnamehere2000@yahoo.com. Of course the answer he gave was HE DOESN'T KNOW why she has an email account in his name. I came here to my friends at MB and they said..."SHE IS CRAZY" "TRYING TO STIR UP TROUBLE", etc. That didn't wash with me, something had to have triggered an email to my H after 3 years of SUPPOSED NO CONTACT! Email was sent this year, 2001, the email name has the year 2000 in it and we were married in 1998, Something isn't right in Denmark people. Basically married for wrong reason's thinking that it would fix our problems, but it was just a band-aid and once the band-aid was off, nothing but a PAINFUL SORE! After emailing OW asking why she was contacting my H, of course no response back, I let it go, never dealt with it, threw myself into MB and being the good wife and basically just masked my pain, hurt, anger and resentment). Anyhoo, yesterday morning I exploded after an arguement that had nothing to do with H and ex/current OW and when i got into work I emailed BOTH H and the OW and ripped them apart! Called them both names, how they deserve one another, they will never be as good as me, both live on lies, both are trash, both are not fooling anyone with this secret email stuff, etc. etc. etc! I gave you guys the NICE VERSION, the one I sent had more foul language than the movie "GOODFELLAS" or ANY Martin Scorsesee(SP?) Do i feel bad? yes and no. No because I am glad I released it, yes, i am ashamed that I gave someone else the POWER over me to react in that way. My H being the great manipulator he is sent it to his friends and my sister, downplaying it, that i got this enraged over nothing, to say that I am crazy. My sister responded with question's of why OW has an email in his name if it has been over for 3 years, basically why would there be a trigger for her to contact NOW? Of course no reasonable explanation from H was given. I sleep in my bed and H sleeps elsewhere in the house. How do i feel? I feel like I have to stop depending on someone else to make me happy. When things are good w/H, i feel great, when bad, i feel like S&$*, someone else should not determine how I feel about myself, or if I am having a good day. I am also questioning whether this really will work for us. I do not feel emotionally happy w/H. I am always questioning if he is IN LOVE with me, or stays out of duty. H never did anything to gain my trust back, never tried to show proof that nothing was going on, and that is my biggest resentment towards H. If you make no offers to show proof of innocent, then most likely you are not innocent. We don't speak, I know that is emotional manipulation on both our parts, but I feel so disgusted with him right now and I know he is with me too. I am not safe emotionally with my H, and I have never felt 100% safe with him. That can't be a good thing. Our actions yesterday was very childish, very dysfunctional and yet, I don't regret doing it, just regret letting go of my power over myself to stay calm. I really think I have to accept the fact that the man I married may not be the man that can fill my needs emotionally. I want to work on me, but I can't accept anything less anymore and continue giving and keeping a smile on my face playing the good wife who won't rock that boat. I am not built that way. I am just not built that way.

My heart goes out to you. You have picked up on something I have a huge belief in. No one can make you happy. Do it for yourself and do it now. Take a look at your life around you and take some serious time to see if you're happy. My friend told me to make up a list of the good and the bad. (do it when you're in an ok mood). Release your feelings, don't hold on to them until it's too late. I held on to mine until they put me in the hospital. I was a Ws, so I don't know exactly how you are feeling. I can however say that no one- ever- deserves to feel like less than a great person. I don't know you, but you are sure to have some great qualities. You can make it through this, but don't stay around hurting yourself for his sake. Sit down and tell him how you're feeling. If he doesn't want to know or doesn't care, than do what I do when it feels like that. Tell him you are a person, you deserve to be treated kindly and to be told the truth. Although I had an A., honesty is something I have always kept. I told my H. about it the same day. I know I'm rambling but I want you to know that things will be ok, it may not be today, but they will be ok.