Historical perspectives:<BR>Some haunting anniversaries coming up:<BR>W first met first OM 16, 2000, & had sex with him in our home on July 20 – then she became obsessed (her own words) & she made numerous phone calls, even many from her cousins 400 miles away, some at 11:00 to 11:30 PM to him before they finally got involved, then his buddy also got into the act – she did the oral thing & also what some would consider deviant sex, something her & I have never done. There was a time when <BR>She was with them both – one in the AM , & the other in the PM – at our home. She & I were active during this same time usually in evening & morning. I have received a lot of feedback that she may have a sexual addiction problem. She had mentioned on D/D that she had this feeling that she could date anyone – she has since denied saying that. I think a big part of her motivation was the ultimate feeling of independence. She says that she feels she was seduced & these guys were predators of sorts – it’s like she is in denial that she accept any responsibility – she blames her increased desire for sex on me because I showed her a dirty video (one I had for 12 years & she had seen before) & we watched “Real Sex” on HBO. I’m sorry, I don’t think I can accept this blame, do you? Bye the way she is 48 & I’m 51 & her two friends were 32 & 36 --- Big MLC going on here I know! She is 5’5” and weighs 130 lbs & is 34D cup size. She normally wears tops from the GAP, size “Small” – with VS breast enhancing bras, her breast look like two balloons (with nipples) about to pop through her top from the pressure & fullness.<P>During our separation after D/D (01/17/01 to 02/08/01)) I told her that we were still legally married & that if she wanted to date around we should file for a divorce. She said she did not want to do that. Within 10 days of her staying with her parents, she moved in with her divorced cousin. While there her cousin’s X H brought over a divorced guy friend of his to play pool (at the house) a couple of times & on another night the four of them went to a Jass concert with drinking & dancing. Guess what, the divorced friend asked my W out, DAh! She declined and that was a point her cousin made to me that she still wanted our marriage. I don’t think the whole setting was appropriate, but what do I know. On another occasion my W & another divorced cousin (sister of first one mentioned) & a divorced girlfriend go out to bar, dancing & drinking until 3:00 AM – this is when I went out to get her – after getting back home, the next weekend I find a package of 12 condoms in my W’s glove compartment. She had an explanation, but that’s another story. <P>My point is she was enjoying some real independence & the dating scene & understands the flirting game and all that goes with it! <BR>Current issue:<BR>She is striving for more independence. Any kind of boundary I suggest she tells me I am too controlling & trying to “put her in a box.” I have always felt a need to call her during the day to say hello. During her A she told her boss she was feeling “smothered.” She has always nagged me that I call her too much. I have expressed to her my felt needs to communicate, she pretty much says she can’t change. Recently, I have stopped calling her at her at work, cause I have grown weary of hearing from her that I’m just “checking up” on her & when I mention that I think her dress and/or “look” is a little on the provocative side she gets real defensive & tells me that I can’t “keep her in a box.” I think a reason I talk about her “look” is because on the night before D/D she spent $200 at the “Limited” for a short skirt (not mini) & tight silky top. She said that was a part of the game & that a part of their three hours or so in motel room was him holding her & telling her how “hot she looked!” <P>In terms of my expressed need for affection, she tells me that she is just not that kind of person and she cannot change. I’ve slowed down the pace of sex some. We were having lots of sex when she had two boyfriends, so I have no assurance of her feelings towards me now compared to then. I just can’t seem to trust my instincts about her feelings towards me. <P>Saturday we go out to a singles type of bar. I suggest we get a table, she wants to go to the bar where there are predominantly men hanging out & I suggest table – she gets upset and storm out –like I’m too insecure & controlling – she said shy just wanted to have a date with me – Is it not a date to sit alone at a table vs. at the bar with other guys “checking her out.” My too Controlling vs. her independence ??<BR>She has never expressed an interest in using my email to send messages to her sisters or cousins or anyone. Now she is on this new church committee & some of the gals have their own email (I’m not really a male chauvinist!). She expresses a desire to have her own email – I mean it just seems strange to me that her only apparent interest in email is if she can have her own address. ?? If I’m being out of line here, tell me & I’ll get her an email immediately. <BR>Soon after she returned home in February, we talked about doing more things together. Like going on walks together. A few Sundays ago she goes to swimming pool by herself & I say nothing at time, but later say that although I’ve never been a pool kind of guy, I’d like to go with her. In the last couple weeks she also went on three lengthy walks around the neighborhood (wearing her shorts & tight halter top) with our dog & each time she speaks of talking with a guy & mentions his wife & kid, but central part of her conversation is about this guy. We were walking on this public trail four days ago & I tell her I wanted to make this more of a habit – like in the evenings. Last night I am getting home later than I do normally at 6:30 – sometimes I’m home by 5:15 PM OR SO. I have not heard a word from her all day. She has left a note that she went for walk & she has church committee meeting at 7:30 and she’ll be home by then, for me to go ahead and put a pizza in oven & “Hope I don’t mind” – nothing on note about the time she left. I do not think she had any other plan, but I feel she is testing me a bit & trying to expand her independence and lack of communication about her whereabouts & accountability. Am I loosing it here. At the least I’m feeling less connected – she does her thing, I do mine kind of thing, I think is how she prefers it. <P>Since last summer she has developed a passion for Country Western music – in the last few days I have focus on CMT channel & have copied several song lyrics and artist to try & become more conversant. I have found what I suspected was that about 90% of the videos are very romantic, sexy things about lost loves or the perfect love or finding that perfect match or my favorite, which typifies my w some is the one about what happens when a “God Fearing Women Gets the Blues” – she runs off with new sexy cloths in convertible going 80 & only the preacher man can talk to her. My W now takes exception to my interest & does not want to watch these with me. ??<P>I realize this may sound really petty or that perhaps I am in fact becoming a control freak, but given her history & my expressed needs & desires, I was a bit upset that she did call me. I was very careful to not seem upset when she returned. In a calm tone I asked why she did not call me, that I would have been interested in walking with her? She said that she did not want to wait, that she just wanted to go right then. It takes me 20 minutes to get home from work & she always calls me on my cell phone & for all she knew I could have been 2 minutes away. She did not know how long of a wait it could have been.<P>When I was concerned about her week long trip as a youth leader we had some very serious arguments & she said that if I continue to bring up negatives & always want to “control” her that it makes her wonder if she should leave – she’s “not having fun.” I know this is why we’re supposed to plan A! I am trying hard not to Love Bust, but I feel I have no say in our recovery. Some have suggested Plan B, but I wonder if how I feel about her “Look” and her apparent lack of interest in trying to meet might my needs would seem too trivial to ask her to leave or do you think I’m justified in asking her for a few compromises from her way of looking at this or hit the road?<P>She is going to counseling for her. We cannot afford another counselor right now & she totally rejects any books or articles – again I’m too controlling & it shifts too much focus on her misbehavior.<P>I mean as long as I don’t ask her to do anything for my needs, we get along fine, she’s friendly and we continue to have lots of sex – no intimacy – just sex. To bring out Harley principles I fear will risk another explosion. Any ideas as to how to bring up strategies without creating these lovebusts?<P>Perhaps I should sit back & enjoy the sex & not worry about things until they happen?<BR>I appreciate your patience with such a long vent here & I I thank you in advance for any comments or suggestions!<BR>HH<P>