Ugh! My H therapist told him he is not depressed (now I am questioning this therapist's competence), and H keeps postponing our joint counseling session because the therapist told him that we shouldn't do that until my H decides he wants to stay in our marriage. I asked H what he was going to do when his time was up at his mom's because she said he could only stay there 2 months and it has been 6 weeks. He said the Dr. told him this decision could need more time and H thought he would stay at his mom's a couple more months. So I thought maybe H created this 2 month time frame since that is how long OW will be out of town, and that he has now decided he needs more time.<BR>Well, it turns out his mom did say he could only stay there 2 months and H will be home Aug 6. Tell me this is the right thing to do even though he is not sure he wants to continue this marriage!!!...I know it will be so hard to Plan A with him living here and being crabby about this whole situation. But I also know it's the best time to Plan A and that he needs to be here to see it.<P>Also, the OW will be back in town about that time. I know I will be so tense about what is going on with them, wondering what is going on in their relationship. I guess I'm not supposed to question him about his relationship with her???? I guess I cannot ask him where he has been when he goes out??? HELP, I don't know how to Plan A with him in the house!!! <P>I have had thoughts that maybe I've had enough of this crap and that I am tired of covering up his lies. (I know this is PA when our family & friends believe it is EA.) I've thought about contacting OW's H to let him know what his dear wife has been up to, and I've thought about contacting co-workers to see how involved this A is and how long it has been going on. Part of me feels like the OW H should know what is going on. I think maybe he would just throw her out and then my H would have to run and rescue her and this whole ugly mess would be over. But I read somewhere on one of these posts that if I want this marriage to work then I can never do anything that makes me look like the bad guy.<P>I know I'm rambling, I'm just scared because I know this is going to get really ugly and I don't feel strong enough to take it right now. <P>Also my H and I have been having great sex while going thru all this, and I don't know what to do about that part of our relationship when she gets home. Do I continue even though he will probably be sleeping with her too??? Do I refuse to have sex with him until he decides he wants to work on our marriage and if I do that won't that just push him into definitely going to her for sex??? Do I contact her and tell her about the great sex we had while she was gone and ask her if she plans to sleep with him again when she knows he is having awesome sex with me??? (I knew giving in to this sex thing would come back to haunt me!)<P>Any input/suggestions/support would be GREATLY appreciated!!<P>Heck<P>(I also posted this on PlanA/Plan B...just looking for more feedback.)

I'm in a similar situation in that my wife does not want to give up her EA with a gay man, and her therapist thinks it is too soon for her to begin couples counselling. Her therapist is saying mid to late August before my WS is ready. I'm accepting that because I don't want to rush her decision and give her the ability to blame me for her decision at some later date. I think this applies to your situation, too.<P>One thing I noticed is that you are rescuing him from some of the consequences of his actions. Why are you protecting him from family and friends? If he wants the A, let him put up with the results of the A.<P>And I don't believe you can safely question him about the A at this time. That's an LB for my wife, and I'm saving those conversations for later, after the EA is over.<P>It's hard, and I'm preaching to myself when I say that you have to concentrate on yourself and what you are doing, not on them and what they might be doing. Stop hurting yourself.<P>I strongly recommend you do not contact the coworkers! I've been tempted to do the same, but that's involving others in your fight, and that will only complicate the situation! I'm less certain about the OW's H. If you feel you must tell him about his WS, send him some raw evidence with no note, no return address, and absolutely no way of identifying you. Make sure this is not some evidence that only you know about. Definitely do not contact the OW!<P>Keep Plan A. If SF is one of his top ENs, do it to please him (and yourself). Be cheerful, considerate, and encouraging. Overlook the faults and vent big-time here. That's my encouragement to both of us.<P>SaltWater

Thanks SaltWater, I appreaciate your advice. I'm going to try to be good and not reveal his secrets. The only physical evidence I have would be directly related to me, so I cannot let her H know anonymously. I know my H is still trying to work through this, and I have to be patient. I can't rush him on this and the more I push, the more I push him away. I know things are going to get very ugly before they get better, and I am bracing for that impact. <P>Of course SF is his top EN. And though he says it's 'just sex' I feel otherwise. I feel like if he's still connecting to me on this level - then he's still connecting to me. And I know many couples have problems restoring intimacy after an affair. I feel this is my way of showing him that I can get past this and move on with our marriage.<P>Good luck, Heck

Ouch, the pain. Your story brings me back. Maybe this will help, maybe not. I hope it helps.<P>My H told me about EA in mid-April. OW went away for a month in May. H stayed with me but was not interested in working on marriage. As SOON as OW came back, H was gone, moved out the same day (this was early June). I immediately went to plan B. Two weeks later we discuss some things, no progress, back to plan B. Another two weeks (where we are now) and H wants ME again, wants to get back what we had and is working on no-contact with OW.<P>SO, I say there is hope, but if he really doesn't want to work on the marriage and OW is coming back, I think you should expect the roller-coaster to get much worse for a while. If this happens, I'd say IMMEDIATELY go to plan B. Put up one hell of a plan A until she gets back, and then if he runs to her - POOF, just do it. It will have a major effect on him I think...<P>Good luck. Keep up your plan A. Everyone is different, perhaps your H will come around with an excellent plan A and the help of the counselor. If you think you can put up with it - keep up the plan A even if he does get back with her (I'm referring to your question on having sex and meeting his EN's - use protection) more power to you. I COULD not. My love bank would have been way too negative!!<P>Definately do NOT talk to the co-workers, and wait until OW comes back and see if things re-kindle before talking to OWH. No use if that doesn't happen, right?

OK, I would like to establish some rules or have my H answer some questions about the A before he comes home. I've even thought about insisting on joint counseling if we are going to be under the same roof. Is this a major LB and would it be worth pissing him off? I don't expect him to be spending his spare time with OW, but he will see her every day at work.<P>Of course my dream is that now that the affair has been uncovered it will die out. But today I found paperwork that I'm assuming my H is planning to take to a lawyer. I can't imaging being divorced!!!

heck,<P>I know some of what you are going through, H has not moved out though. We are sperating 2nd week of Aug, he is moving to one state and kids and I to another. I told him that he was pretty much getting what he wanted with the seperation (Although he has not seen a lawyer about papers or anything yet)that I wanted him to see a counselor and that I it must be 2 sessions and I needed documentation that he had done this, he agreed to go even asked if I wanted it to be joint, we went on Thursday, H says still that no one is going to change his mind, and that is ok, I didn't request (require) this so that his mind would be changed, I wanted to help him see what it is that he is doing. Anyway he did not take my request as an LB.<P>God's blessings at this difficult time. Dawn