My H has been out of town this week in training.. 2 hours away. I know how he likes surprises, so I mailed him to packages (in advance).. but by Thursday, they still hadn't arrived (I don't know why).. I did tell him that I mailed him two cards and his favorite candy. I also put two notes and some chocolate chip cookies in his suitcase before he left. He called yesterday.. sounded all depressed.. I asked what was wrong... he said nothing. I went on to tell him that I had gotten my mother to watch my three year old so I could mow the grass and do some yardwork one evening. He said "It's amazing how you can get a babysitter for yardwork, but not me." I said ????? He said "I can't believe you didn't come here to see me." I said "Well, I'm sorry.. I had the kids, I have to work, etc etc.." He said "Well, you could at least have met me halfway for dinner." I said "I'm sorry, I didn't think about that." Then, he said "Do you think you did all you could have done for me this week?" I said, "Well, I mailed you packages, I put notes in your suitcase and cookies, I've paged you, I've called you..aside from going, yes." He says "I didn't find any panties in my suitcase.. don't you think that would have been nice?" Oh my GAWSH... I cannot and will not ever win or ever do enough. He told me he was tired of me not being able to do things for him.. that I couldn't possibly care about him and not think that way. He went on about how I lied, cheated, deceived him... I said, "Let me ask you this..If you were with someone else, would you talk to her and treat her the way you did me for ten years?" He said "No, because I know how much it hurt you." I said "Right, and I would never have another affair again because I know how much it hurt... so why can't this be us working on our marriage?" He said "Because you don't know how to make me feel good. You don't know how to make me feel loved." It hit me soooooo hard that we just don't click. Thirteen years of this, and it has just gotten worse. I'm still made to feel like his servant.. He still won't let me be myself, I still feel like my goal everyday is to figure out what it will take to make him feel good. I can't.. I don't want to.. I love him more than anything, but I don't want to worship any man. That can't be what it's all about. I have to sit down and tell him.. this is it.. I can't do it. I cried all night last night because I know it isn't going to work. He once told me that if we split up, he still wants to date me... ?????? So he can get all the attention and no responsibility of a family and kids??? I can't let that happen. I need strength.. I have to do this. :-(

Leighann:<P>You might want to discuss a separation plan with Steve. From what you tell us---your husband is doing some very helpful things here. He's telling you <B>HOW HE WOULD LIKE TO BE TREATED</B>. That's a great start, if the two of you could get to the planning stage, and he could be consistant with what he wants (I worry that he's got a very high "target" and he keeps moving it on you).<P>However, if you (and he) aren't willing to do that "Plan A" work, then a no-contact separation may be the next best thing. He claims that you're "not meeting his needs"---well, a separation will have you TRULY not meeting his needs. He'll have ample time to compare the two, and perhaps he'll get a dose of reality as to how well you're actually doing.<P>I'd encourage you to work with Steve to get a firm plan into place.

I know how he would like to be treated... He wants to be treated like a King all the time. I've talked to Steve.. he said that my H has a "false sense of a relationship".. Our other therapist said he lives in a fantasy world. My H wants constant attention. If I don't call him several times a day, he gets upset. He wants me to do special things for him all the time. He says "action speaks louder than words." He wants me to dress certain ways (sexy) for him. If I wear something nice somewhere and he's not going, he gets mad. If I don't notice his cologne, he gets mad. If I say "so and so looks nice today" he says "What about me?" He left me ten years ago because I was working on my Masters Degree and he said I didn't have enough time for him. He constantly tries to make me feel guilty for not giving him enough attention. He told me he probably needed to date the rest of his life so he'd get that attention. I can't do it. I have two children, a full-time job.. and I want a sweet, loving, settled relationship. Not this constant romancing each other.. don't get me wrong, every now and then is wonderful, but he wants this every day. If I had driven to where he is, I wouldn't have been wearing the right things.. there would have been something not right. I can't live the rest of my life for him... doing what he wants, wearing what he wants, acting like he wants... I'm exhausted.

OK:<P>Steve has said that your husband as a false sense of a relationship (his taker is larger than life). What did the two of you discuss as a plan? Was Steve going to work with him while you attempted to do a sustainable Plan A? Or have you been advised to go to Plan B?<P>With your exhaustion and frustration, I'd sense you're more Plan B material---but I don't have the forms that Steve uses to assess that (and hey---I'm not trained to anyway).<P>If you do separate, you do so with the focus of reconciliation your marriage (initially). No dating. No opposite sex friends. And no "dating" of your husband. No contact means no contact.

Dr. Harley had no advice for me. He said he didn't have any answers other than that the way we were headed was not good. He wants to talk to my H.. I'm going to try to get him to, but I don't know if he will. I think we do need to separate.. it's been eight months since he discovered my A.. and he still brings it up every day. He said if we separate he wants to date to recapture that "in love" feeling.. I can't.. he'll expect it always, and we'll be right back in the same boat. He'll have gotten what he wanted.. just not at home. How does no contact help? I'm so numb with these ups and downs.

By the way.. I don't think Plan A and B apply here.. If I'm understanding right.. the affair ended the day my H found out. That is no longer an issue. I've been wanting our marriage to work, but he can't let go of "what I did to him".. and he continues to try to control me (which is what led to the A).. I think that's why Dr.Harley couldn't give me an answer yet.

I'd like to urge you to at least get your husband to talk once with Steve (it was Steve, right?). Then discuss your options with him.<P>Here's the "superficial" K take on this. Your husband wants too much attention, and he's using the affair as a leverage point. Now---I bet that you've been guilty of being too much mom at some point in the marriage (maybe not---it's possible that your husband is 100% at fault). He wants you to swing into a 110% wife mode. Forget Mom. Forget working. Forget housekeeping.<P>If you separate and date him---he's getting exactly what he wants. No responsibilities, and all the rewards. If you separate with no contact---he's on his own. He won't be reminded of your affair by living with you---that's true. He also won't have you meeting any of his needs. That may be the wake-up call he needs to realize just how much you do for him (assuming that you "do").<P>Again, Steve can usually judge this pretty accurately by each persons responses to his questions, so your best plan is to get him to talk with Steve first.

K... you are right on the money with your last post... I have never been "too much mom" though.. I don't think I'm "mom" enough because I'm always worried about what's going on with him. He's jealous of the attention I do give the kids, so I back off some. He does want 110% wife.. he wants no "me".. at least, not in front of him. He has encouraged me to "go away for a weekend alone".. but at home, I can't be alone... not even to read a book. I see what you mean about the no contact.. his needs won't be met at all.. I can't do that if we separate, because he wins.. again. I will try my best to get him to talk to Steve.. I just don't know if he will. Steve, honestly, was speechless much of the time of our conversation. I have him example after example of what my H expects from me.. and he didn't know what to say. He ended our conversation by saying "you're not crazy." You are sooo right about my H using the A as a leverage point to get what he wants. He says I owe him anything he wants.. so here I go again, subserviant to him because he feels he deserves it.