Well my update. My relationship with my WS is not really improving. We sleep in the same room but hardly talk and when we do she blames me for everything then tells me that she hates me, why? Maybe she hates herself for deserting her family, for leaving us behind. She say's she been unhappy for years. She comes from a broken home and a drunken father who had several affairs before leaving his family. He just left with no word or contact. She might be unhappy from being abandoned as a child. I think she is repeating her childhood on her children. In any event I'm losing steam and wonder do I keep trying all the while she is in love with another man. She is like a stranger to me.<BR>The only way to break her fog is to win custody of the children and keep the house. I'm very certain I will be able to do this. But after two A how do you regain any trust "ever". I retained an attorney this week and I'm getting ready for the custody fight and the big D. Any advice....<BR>

Adamsol...<P>My heart goes out to you my friend. You sound so dejected and like you are running out of everything....hope, steam, time, etc. Have you done Plan B?? Have you had the time/energy to do that yet? I guess I have read so many now, that they run together...LOL. It may be time to tell her to fish or cut bait. It sounds like, even if she did have custody, that the kids would spend more time with you or a babysitter anyway so W can go *play*. Her fog is more like mud right now. I know you hate the idea of giving up and/or quitting, but if you are getting no where, maybe the wake up call of Plan B is needed. <P>She is definitely playing out her childhood all over again. She has some issues that she does not want to face, but I will bet she denies any connection with what is going on now and her past. Where do things stand with OM right now? You say she is in love with him, but is the A still alive and well, or is she in some kind of withdrawal?? As for the *hate*, it is all encompassing...she hates where her life is at, and since she is not able to be honest with herself that she is the cause of what is going, she is not able to recognize responsibility for what is going on, you will be the *whipped dog* at this point. I would bet, in her more lucid moments, she doesnt even realize she is saying it. I know I am not giving you much useful advice here, but more just a shoulder of understanding. <P>Plan B vs. Lawyer depends on how much more your heart and your kids can take. Keep the faith!!<P>*Out of our greatest fears, come our bravest deeds!*<P>Trueheart

Trueheart. The children want to stay with me. She is never around for them and has issues that prevent her from being able to bond with them the way I have. I am the primary caretaker in the house. As for the Divorce attorney, it’s happening. Look she met someone who tells her what she needs to hear. Its not real and most likely will die on the vine once she losses everything. Home, children and a husband that loves her. He is pushing her and found the attorney for her. I'm sure he gave her the retainer money as well. Its very simple at what cost do you even try to save a marriage. Where do you draw the line?

adamsol:<P>You draw the line when you feel that the love units have been totally depleted. When the love you feel for your wife is gone, it is time to go from Plan A/B to Plan D.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

STL --- What do you think and is plan D "Divorce". She won't leave the house and comunication is not there. As far as she is concerned its a done deal. What do you think I should do?.

Adamsol...<P>I agree with STL in that it is time for Plan D. Her living there, no discussions, no nothing? To me, it is because someone counselled her not to be the one to walk out, or she could lose everything in the D, even custody of the kids. My bet is OM has told her to try and get custody, so she can get child support money. My bet is he is telling her all the ways she can be entitled to all the marital assets and splitting things up, and she needs to stay there so that she looks better in the eyes of the court? Is this possible? And she expects you to let her live there and carry on with OM while the D goes through? Man she has got a set!!<P>Can you say *CURB*?? If that Love Bank is empty, she may have to find a new address, lose everything, and wake up knowing what a mistake she made!!<P>Trueheart

Thanks for the advice. I'm really stuck in a bad position right now. What’s interesting is that we still sleep in the same room and this morning we spoke about simple things and before I left the house I gave her a kiss on the lips and she didn't push me away? Moment of clarity or just nothing. I just really can't figure it out; maybe I'm looking for something that really isn't there. In any event all of you have truly helped me handle this and I'm grateful. I am visiting a marriage consoler/ psychologist who is helping me deal with this nightmare. She asked why and how I allowed myself to be involved with my wife for so long. She did meet with my wife on two occasions alone. I couldn't give her a good answer. Now sees me every week. It’s interesting that she didn’t push me away this morning; it’s throwing me off a little.