Well, me and my wife have been separated for a little over two months now, she is living with her OM and his mother and father he is 18 I am 23 and she is 20 well they have known each other for 8 or so years and she calls me probably once every but increasingly so this past half-month<BR>we have always been able to talk and we still do quite well but is generally just chit-chat as we have not spoke of the relationship in over a month I would say and I do not call her or make any contact "as of this last month" with her but if she reaches out to make contact with me I am always there for her and love talking to her because I do love her very much but I am very confused... because I don't know what plan I am in?????? am I in a separated plan A or plan B??? I have never sent her a letter but the last time I called her I asked about our marriage and she said she had to give this OM a try as he deserved it??? I don't believe this one bit!! but I agreed and told her I would not contact her or call her I basically told her she was free to do what she chose and that I would do what I had to do. and ever since then she has called more and I have seen her once on her suggestion but very briefly. She was very happy to see me then and as was I and we talked just chit-chat but enjoyable as I cherished our every word.. but as she walked away as I got in my car I called her back adn she turned around very teary eyed and she reached for my hand and I told her " I love you" in french and we both withdrew and I drove off and she slowly walked back to her car head down and very sad looking.. it was very painful it took all I had to stay steady and as soon as I got out on the interstate I just broke down all my emotions came flying at me. It was very painful seeing her like that and then<BR>being able to just drive away but I felt I must stick to my guns I love her sooooo much but I am trying to search out what I should do??? and what the h@ll plan am I in???? her mother also told me that my wife respects me more than any man in the world and when she calls her mom she always asks how I am. i have done so much and changed in so many ways to make my self a better man but I feel like my grip is starting to weaken on my ability to withstand the pain and I long for resolution but I do not want to giveup on the woman I love more than anything in this world.. but at the same time I want her to be truly happy!!! I just want her to be happy.... help what should i do???????

If you can still handle it, plan A is where you should be at. It is VERY possible to plan A while separated. And in my opinion, it may actually be easier (because you have less opportunity to LB). <P>From what you have written, it sounds like you are still fulfilling at least one of your W's EN's (conversation). Take comfort in the fact that she is the one doing most of the initiating of contact.<P>How long can you continue like this? Plan B is a very drastic step, and although it may be the kick in the pants she needs, you may not be ready for it at all. And plan B is for YOU, not her. Plan A is for both of you. But if you find that she is sitting on that darn fence eating her cake for too long, then it's plan B time (that's where the recommended 6 months by the Harley's comes in).<P>IMO, you MUST talk to your W about your relationship. By not even mentioning anything about it, you are only accepting her actions. And you do NOT!! right??? Put the pressure on her slightly. Start telling her how you can't handle her living away from you. Tell her that the longer she stays away, the more chance there is that you will not want her back in your life (which is true), and that's something you do not want to happen (which is also true).<P>I can't think of anything else to say right now. Hopefully others will be able to respond.<P>Karen<P>p.s. How are you? In general? I remember you posting a while back (what was it? over a month ago?), and I responded then too.

I myself as a person am doing quite fine... but I have only one question how in the heck do I put slight pressure on her I mean is that even possible??? It seems sorta irrational it seems as if I am begging and pleading if I do that???? I may be wrong but shouldn't I just let her know straight out with full brunt that I still do not condone her behavior??? I am really confused with all this as the whole situation is irrational and based on irrational actions so I guess I should do the irrational??? I mean I have always been known for my loving demeanor should I say hey enough is enough!!!!! I love you and I want nothing more than our marriage to work but I will not allow you to disrespect me any longer. You are free to go. If you never call em again then I will accept your decision. I admit that this entire experience has been painful, but I am going to make it. The Lord has been with me thus far and He'll go with me in the future. YOu and I had some wonderful times together, You were my first and perhaps last real love and I'll never forget the memories we shared. I will pray for you and trust that God will guide you in the years ahead. thats how I feel like I should do somethin totally out of character I feel like I am being run over like a carpet.

dontnevergiveup,<P>You are in Plan A. No doubt about it and you are doing a pretty good job of it too. Keep it up as long as you can. There is one thing that many people here fail to realize and it has apparently been point out of several here by Steve Harley. <P>You should go to Plan B before you have no feelings for your W, not after you reach that state. The purpose of Plan B is to save your love for your W, it is not to teach her anything, show her anything (although she may miss not being able to talk to you), it is simply to protect you.<P>Now you may say I'm a big boy I can handle it, but if you try and do this you will kill your love for her yourself.<P>So do the Plan A for awhile and let her know who and what she can come home to, but eventually you will need to probably cease contact with her. Six months is a rough figure, it may actually happen in 2 months or 3, or you may go a year. It is up to you dontnevergiveup.<P>I will say from what you have said I would guess that you may need to go into Plan B sooner than 6 months. Right now everything is cool, the 18 year old is not taking care of her, his parents are. You may be providing her money to spend. Eventually, you will need to withdraw to save your feelings. At that time she may get a glimpse of what she is giving up.<P>You won't be able to convince her to end the affair so forget that thought. She must come to that conclusion herself. The only real issue is will she do it before she destroys you and the marriage. I hope it is sooner than that.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Hi don't. I understand where you are coming from. You want your W to be happy, you really want that happiness to be with you, but you love her so much that you are willing to give her up if that is what will really make her happy.<P>That is very noble and a loving thing to do. The first few times I talked with OW, I felt the same way. I asked how she would deal with my kids, how she would take care of my H, etc. It was very weird to explain.<P>Heck, I believe your W will come around and realize what she is giving up. In a relationship like you had, I don't see how it can be any other way.<P>I think Topie is right, you sound like you should be in plan A. Her suggestions are wonderful. Perhaps you can arrange a meeting for you guys to talk. It may hurt, but you need to express your feelings and find out what is going on. She needs to know you will not always be there, but for right now, if that is what she chooses, that's what you want.<P>I wish I could be of more help.<BR>HbH<p>[This message has been edited by hurtbyhubby (edited July 13, 2001).]

But then again I do not want to giveup on her becuase it is not my nature and I do feel so deeply for her and I am scared to let her totally go... perhaps if I do face this demon it can no longer harm me do you follow what I am saying here?? I am just torn between what is really right??<BR>in this world nothing is as it seems!!!! I wish I knew what the hell I am doing but all I can say is that I am living and trying my best to fix my self but in my young age I still have college to finish!!! how much pain and baggage can I endure and how to carry the load I don't understand perhaps my under-developed young brain can't comprehend the answers to these questions or perhaps I am just too damn scared to face the truth... the truth being I have to give her up because she has made a decision and not even I can take away or disrespect the free will God gave her??? man this is difficult!!! I don't want to give up though!! every bit of me tells me to fight but something deep down says let her go if you truly love her and let God guide her!!! am I wrong or right guys help me!!!!!!! please

I think I should try to arrange some sort of meeting betwwen the two of us sometime in the next week or two the only question is should I call her or should I wait for her to call me???? i ahve decided that my demon is indeed the fear of loosing my wife forever and i don't want to do that so how do i fight it??? head on toe to toe, pound to pound I seem so outweighed by the demon but heh rocky always found a way to win hehehe I do want to stand and fight for my marriage I have alot of love for this woman.<BR>it is scary especially when you see some of the post some of the WS's put up on this board!!! the stuff that goes through their mind is beyond comprehension!!!! wow!!!<BR>I don't want to let her go but what other way can I show her what she is loosing besides she married me and this guy is a guy who has known her for 8 years and they always said they were going to get married!! this is one big bad red demon here!!! I am petrified and yet I am strong. it is damn scary I know I am the better man I know it I WHO IS HER HUSBAND AND NOT THIS IMPOSTER!!! IT IS I SHE CHOSE TO MARRY!!!BUT WHY IS IT SO HARD TO GET THIS TO SINK IN!!! <P>------------------<BR>

man I know most of you guys are older and have alot more time invested in your marriage but I end up feeling very dis-heartened knowing that my marriage got into trouble far before you guy's and gal's marriages did it just makes my situation seem grim sometimes but heh who knows!!! you guys are all great I read your posts everyday and pray every night that God restores our marriage to his glory but I feel like how can you ever trust another woman!!! how can I give my all and get NOTHING devote all I have and get NOTHING love with all my heart and get NOTHING or at least this is how it seems sometimes. like I said I know I am young 23 but I try and I have made a total change in my life!!! and realize many many errors of my ways and immediately implemented changes 2 1/2 months ago and never looked back to the old me!!!! I know the answer to how to love and get nothing but I am not Jesus!!! no matter how hard I try I can never love like he did and we as humans or at least I need something at least a little scrap or bone.<BR>I am like a man in the desert loosing love slowy like the man in the desert looses precious water. I don't want my marriage to succumb to death's clingy and cold hands!!! I want the fire of a thousand sun to burn eternally for my wife so that we may forever live in the warmth of the marraige that GOD has granted us!!! all can I can do is take day by day... day by... day<P>------------------<BR>Now your gonna have to go through hell, worse than any nightmare you ever imagined. But in the end, I know you'll be the one standin. You know what you have to do...do it, DO IT!

Hi Degu,<P>You have deep love for your wife. 1 year, 10 years, 20 years, etc. it does get deeper with time but yours is deep enough now. It will have to stay deep to survive this horrible A. <P>If you can, plan A may help your W to come home. She sounds like she still has feelings for you and is in that confused foglike stuff. Right now? Be her friend. <P>When you get angry or frustrated that you are giving and she is taking without giving in return? Pull back and let her think. Watching is hard it requires more conserved effort on our part. It is not easy to do. Practice it a little but not seeming over anxious. Like jumping and agreeing to 'all' her suggestions/demands. <P>Here is the biggie: RESPECT YOURSELF!!!!! Make that a requirement for her also. This will also keep some love bank points since you will be respecting her and she will look deficient. It may be enough to make her want to do what you do and then healing can begin. <P>Stir up those grey cells by making her think. Don't over do it, just think little thoughts each time you are with her or speak to her. Be careful not to give away your method for recovery. Kind of court her like you did before you got married. <P>Find out what needs the OM or OB (oh boy?!??!) is doing. 18 is sure young to be pulling a married woman away. <P>Hey, don't call me mom although many of us could be. But listen to the advice of all out here, pick the ones that are good for you and think about them. Don't worry, we are all going through the same stuff. Age, race, origin, status doesn't matter, this stuff is not prejudice except to the BSs. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

I feel the need to respond to your age comment . There are a great chunk of us on here who are in their 20's (me and my H included...I'm 28, he's 27). One thing I've found interesting, are some polls that some people have started threads on on here. To the best of my recolection, the majority of A cases (of those that post on GQII - the only forum I tend to read), have been married under 10 to 15 yrs (and many of us are less than 5 yrs married).<P>And just like Orchid says, the age, race, religion, etc, is pretty much irrelevant. The fact of the matter is that we all experience the same feelings at one stage or another. So we are not alone. What a wonderful comfort!! <P>It's too late for me to offer any advice (meaning the time on the clock, literally). I'll check back in tomorrow (later today? lol) sometime and see what I can come up with. Take care of yourself.<P>Karen<BR>

Topie25,<P>thanks for the info about the age thing that was really getting to me and also the measily 1 1/2 years I have been married it does alleviate some of the stress. One question I do have is should I contact her or should I wait for her to contact me?? I have been waiting for her to initialize contact for about a month, is there any reason I should initialize contact?<P>------------------<BR>Now your gonna have to go through hell, worse than any nightmare you ever imagined. But in the end, I know you'll be the one standin. You know what you have to do...do it, DO IT!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by dontnevergiveup:<BR><B>I have been waiting for her to initialize contact for about a month, is there any reason I should initialize contact?<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>HOw about the plain and simple fact that you love her and want her back with you? Has she specifically asked you NOT to call her? If not, then what are you waiting for???<P>IMO, if you do not contact her, she will never know that you want her back. You said so yourself, that the two of you avoid talking about your relationship. It's up to you to make the first move there. She obviously isn't doing that. <P>If you are too uncomfortable with talking, have you considered writing her a love letter? Many times they can be far more powerful, because the one receiving it can read it over and over and over again, and the one writing it can take the time to think and write what they REALLY want to say.<P>Karen<P><BR>