My W went out with a girlfriend for the night. I went upstairs and saw a note on my dresser. It was about divorce. She said if I am not going to help her with it to tell her and she will do it all herself and just give me the paperwork to sign. She makes it all seem so simple.<P>I spoke to Steve Harley earlier this week and he told me to contest it. This will buy me time for the fog to lift and the affair to unravel. In Illinois a couple has to be seperated for one year before a judge will grant a contested divorce. I'm not sure if I should follow his advice. I don't want to make this any harder on my daughter, myself or my W. However, this is not what I want and I can't just quit. If my W weren't having an A, I wonder if she would be so adamant about a divorce. <P>Maybe this is something she needs to do before she can see the toll this is going to take on all of us. If she does proceed with this, I will fight for custody of our daughter.<BR>At least joint custody with her living with me. This may not be realistic, but I can't lose everything.<P>Any advice would be appreciated from anyone who has been in a similar situation. I guess I'll have to discuss this with her when she gets home.<P>sad dad

Sad dad,<P>I have not been in your situation before. But I will pray for you.<BR>I am praying that I don't find myself in the same situation that you are in.<P>God Bless<P>MarkC

Dear saddad,<P>I am sorry for your pain. My H said the same thing, ran out and bought the quick divorce book with CD! OW quickly sent him about 5 sites on how to do a quickie divorce. <P>Hm...... let's see, one of his statements was that it was too hard to do. hmm....... so he didn't at least not yet. <P>I walked in the steps of a 'quickie' divorce and went to see a lawyer. Went to the courthouse and basically went through the general motions. It is hard no matter how easy they make it. Think your W will have enough stomache for that? If she does, then let her. Don't do it for her or encourage her but let her 'do it' herself. Let her know you don't like it (in a gentle loving manner), but it will be hard anyway. Better if she tries to do it without a lawyer. <P>L.<P><BR>

Orchid,<P>All I plan on saying to her is that this is not what I want, I'd like to work on our marriage and if this is what you feel you need to do than you're going to have to do it yourself. I may ask her why the sudden urgency and what ground she intends to file under. I already know the urgency is the OM and she will file on the grounds of mental cruelty (they all do). I don't think I will bring up OM.<P>I don't intend on telling her that I may contest it or fight for custody. <P>sad dad <p>[This message has been edited by sad dad (edited July 13, 2001).]

Sad Dad,<P> I know how hard this is. I am going through it now. I would suggest that you talk to a lawyer to find out what your options are. I told my wife that I didn't want the divorce and that if she did then she would be the one to file and to move the process forward. I don't know about IL law, but here in IN The mother will get the kids 98% of the time. To get your child from her she would either have to give her to you or you will have to prove her unfit. <P>Indy

Hi Sad Dad! I don't have much advice for you, as my situation is rather bleak right now. I noticed that you are in Chicago according to your profile. Both Aries55 and I live in a western suburb, about a mile from each other. Are you in the city or a suburb? Let us know....

I live in Hoffman Estates.<P>sad dad

Sad Dad,<P>Sorry to hear that things have gotten to this.<P>I agree with the other. Tell her that you do not want a divorce so she will have to do the work herself. <P>Then see an attorney to find out your rights to stay in your house and for at least 50% custody of your daughter. Do not move out of your house. Once you do it appears that you have abandoned your wife and daughter. In many cases neither spouse can force the other to move out of the house. Even once divorce papers have been filed. And she cannot move out taking your daughter without your permission. If your wife wants to be on her own and have an affair, then she should be the one to leave. Have you tried just telling her that you think she needs the space right now so you would be glad to relieve her of some responsibilities for a while. She can go and you’ll take care of the house and your daughter.<P>Just be careful because you do not want to do anything that could have you removed.. like raise a hand to her, push her, even yell at her, etc. I am not implying here that you violent. I am warning that she may try to insight you so that she can call the police.<P> When she provides you with the papers take them to your attorney. If she is using a quickie divorce kit to do the divorce papers they will probably be very flawed. Those kits only work for the simplest cases (no children and no assets and no debts). Contest the divorce. That will buy you a year as you said. Do not, under any circumstances sign anything without your attorney approving it. <P>Hang in there.<P>Z<BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Well, I think if you file contested, she can no longer stay with her "quickie" papers. She'll have the inconvenience of having to get a lawyer, paying more to contest right back at'cha, etc. It's hard on the kids, I know. Is what she's proposing an answer to that, looking at the big picture? Well no, what you want will be best for all, not just one person (Foghead). Be prepared for some outrageous demands, but don't react about them in front of the kids. I'm right in the thick of it myself right now. If only...<P>Nell <P>------------------<BR>One faces the future with one's past.<BR>--Pearl S. Buck

Dear Sad Dad,<P>Sorry that you are going through this also. In my opinion, there is little you can do to prevent the inevitable. Your wife is determined and it seems to me that she does not have the comfort level to discuss things with you openly and honestly. You need to correct that. Your reaction to her doing this can lead you in many different directions so think long and hard about what you will do and say in the next few days. If your wife cheated on you, there was a reason for it in her mind. These things just don't happen because she wanted it. There was a lacking somewhere that she needed to fill and obviously has filled very well where she has no emotional attachment towards you. My advice is to openly communicate with her and respect her decision. It will make her think the most. If you become aggressive, desperate, or lose your cool. It will turn her off. Remember, you get more with honey than with lemon. I suggest you talk to her and let her know that you will honor her wishes but to please let's go through the process as civil adults. Both of you are hurting in some way one way or the other and you don't need to make it worse by fighting her wanting out. Let her know you love her and regret that there was something in your relationship that caused her to go astray and that if she could find it in her heart to forgive you one day, you would do the same with regard to her cheating. Either way, divorce or if she decides (through your actions) to change her mind (which I doubt cuz she probably is in too deep with OM) then at least say that we should try to have as little impact to your daughter as possible as a result of this process. (Your daughters future should be the biggest priority) The bottom line here is to talk to her and let her know that you want to work with her on this and that you love her enough to let her go...That's my opinion...Please take good care and good luck to you all. ~FLgal~

Thanks to all of you for your replies. I'm not sure, but I think I'm going to contest it. If there was not an OM involved and I believed she was making this decision of clear mind and conscience, I wouldn't. But that's not the case. This is a decision that will impact my daughter for the rest of her life so I have to do whatever I can to save my marriage. <P>I agree with zorweb, I think my W needs some space right now to go out and have the affair, and I'm willing to give her that space. I believe she wants this divorce so she can have a relationship with OM with a clear conscience. If she really wants a divorce now, then she'll still want it a year from now if her feelings for OM are real. If this is just the "fog", maybe she have a change of heart. I'm not giving up on my marriage just because she has. Handling the situation this way may be a mistake, but the end results may be same so what difference does it make. <P>sad dad

saddad,<P>I know that there aren't any words to take the pain away. My H also thinks the has to have divorce and that he is not seeing OW. (I know from e-mail that she has sent him that he is lying about that too) He is being deployed soon and will be gone for nine months. He wants me to file so it will be ready to go when he gets back in the states. I'm in Indiana and here mom's almost always get custody but more and more fathers are getting joint. I'd really advice you to talk to an attorney soon just so you know where you stand if she goes ahead... take care of you!

<B>I believe she wants this divorce so she can have a relationship with OM with a clear conscience. If she really wants a divorce now, then she'll still want it a year from now if her feelings for OM are real. If this is just the "fog", maybe she have a change of heart. I'm not giving up on my marriage just because she has. </B><P>S.Dad,<BR>This is good thinking! Everyone here has given good advice. It was my own advice to myself, too. My H left me with divorce papers, thinking (IN HIS MIND) that if we were getting a D. ANYWAY, then he would be free of guilt to continue his A. I am NOT going to sign off on an UNcontested D. He isn't thinking straight, and neither is your W. This is just a way to sooth their guilty conscience.<P>My H just had an attorney send over settlement papers,that if I signed it, would have been quick, simple UNcontested D. Similar to CD and computer forms you have (I think you have). FORGET THOSE!!! Make her work for it....make her PAY big bucks and real attorney's fees, etc. That will help clear the fog, because divorces ain't cheap (in any sense).<BR> <BR>BTW - 8 weeks later, I haven't heard any more from him OR his attorney about those papers! I count this as a victory. I guess he doesn't want it that quickly or badly yet!<P><B>Handling the situation this way may be a mistake, but the end results may be same so what difference does it make. </B><BR>There's NO WAY this can be a mistake. Your W is in the FOG. We all know what that means....she isn't thinking straight...she thinks she knows what she wants...she's being manipulated by OP...she doesn't have any long-range plans (like life after D and broken home, and child w/separated parents)...reality of price this may cost her hasn't set in cause it hasn't cost her anything YET...<P>They've got to get to the point where KEEPING the A going is costing more than they have to give (emotionally, financially, spiritually, personally) before the fog begins to life. Hang on, Dad, it may be a looooong ride, but if you hang TOUGH you can do this! We're all here to help.<P>Lupo<BR>

Thank you Lupo. I know you're right. My W thinks this can all be done very simply, just take care of the paperwork and sign it like selling a car. So far her life hasn't really been stirred up. She still lives in our house, still sees our daughter everyday, has OM to fill some of her needs and me to fill others (financial, domestic, child rearing support, etc.). She needs to see the reality of this decision. She'll have to do the work and deal with the guilt on her own. I WON'T share it with her.<P>A couple of months ago I heard a voicemail the OM left her. He said, "this sucks, we can't go on like this. You have to take care of things at home (me) and I've got to take care of my situation (his divorce)". My W doesn't know I heard this, in fact she never did because I erased it. You're right, he's pulling the strings. Maybe contesting it will throw a monkey wrench into their plans.

Just moving it up, looking for more advice.<P>sad dad

Dear Sad Dad,<BR>I don't knowww....I believe that love conquers all and trying to throw a monkey wrench into anything will only anger her and turn her completely off of you. In my situation, whereas I was always the one to want out, and he wanting me back, he always won me back. HOW? Through love and respect for my decisions. If I needed space, he gave me space, he kept in touch, just to see how I was and because he cared, but he never pushed or tried to do anything to hurt me. I looked at that and thought to myself, hmmm he really does care. I was on the verge of a divorce previously. When I asked for it, he said ok and he understood what I was going through and did not want to try and force me to be with him if I didn't want to. He just kept telling me, even when he got the divorce papers at the courthouse, that he loved me and would do anything to make it work and if I would give him another chance. It was through his love that I decided to rip the divorce papers up. Just put yourself in her shoes for a moment. If you met someone that met needs that she was not satisfying, and wanted to leave her, would you prefer her be a b*tch about it and give you as hard time as she could? Would you respect her more for it - no. Would you love her more for it - no. Would it turn you off her and on to your affair - yes. I may come across stronly in the feedback I provide and I apologize if you may be offended. It is not my intention. However, I want to make it clear that love and respect are the only ways you would win her back and revenge never solves anything. Two wrongs don't make a right. The bible says "forgive them for they know not what they do" You sound very angry and you may not be thinking as rationally as you would had your emotions not be totally in chaos. Please try to step outside this anger and think solution oriented as much as possible. This will help you in all avenues of this situation, including givig a better example for your daughter. A revengeful and bitter Dad would only teach her that if she were in a similar situation, this behavior is acceptable, and it is not. Try to teach that through love and gently perseverance she can conquer all. Getting back will only come back and haunt you in the long run. Hope this helps. Sincerely, ~FLgal~ <P>

Sad Dad<P>I hear what Flgal is saying in in some ways I agree BUT..my feelings over all are just the opposite. In my situation the OM is using the old war technique of divide and conquer. He has taken my W to his cabin and surrounded her with his family and friends. He is a master manipulator and a great talker who knows exactly what he is doing, my lawyer calls him a textbook predator. He is moving so fast that he isn't giving my W a chance to think. If she is in this "fog" and her decisions are irrational them by keeping things moving so fast ,he will get what he wants. If he slows down ( or if I do it ) she may see things differently and the A may being to go south. By slowing things down, in your case, like mine, it may give our W time to rethink the whole A.<P>That's my 2 cents<P>deeplyinlove

SD:<P>Contest the D. First, it buys you time (as Harley and others here have said); not only for your WS to come out of the fog and for the A to unravel, but also for YOU: work on making you a better you. Work on aspects of the situation to help things (including you) in case she does pursue divorce.<P>If she isn't out of the house yet, that is a good sign. Stick with Plan A. Work on meeting those emotional needs of hers. By contesting the divorce, you give it time to work in your favor. If it doesn't, you will have done what you could to save it.<P>So, if she says again that she will initiate it, tell her that she can do what she wishes to do. But that you will contest it, as it is not what you wish to do. It will be interesting to see how she reacts to that, don't you think?<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL<p>[This message has been edited by SeenTheLight (edited July 14, 2001).]

{{{{{SD}}}}}<P>You are anything but a bitter, angry man in the throes of a terrible situation trying to preserve the very thing you cherish most--your marriage. I see you as courageous and thoughtful in your quest to preserve your family. If your marriage is not irretrievably broken, then contest as such. It makes sense to me--you don't want the divorce, so you should try to prevent it. If I took the loving, generous approach with my husband and our divorce, he'd walk all over me. Deep down, I don't want to divorce either, but mine is a hopeless case, fraught with miserable addictions and denial I cannot overcome alone. If you have a prayer, a snowball's chance in hell of saving your marriage, may God give you the strength to endure the righteous path.<P>Blessings,<BR>Nell <P>------------------<BR>One faces the future with one's past.<BR>--Pearl S. Buck

Hi SadDad:<P>The thing about uncontested divorces is that they are usually truly "dead" marriages where each of the partners has basically given up and just want out of the marriage as quickly as possible...not that a little MB might not go a long way if they were aware or interested in pursuing them. I deal with divorces and the aftermath every day and my experience is that rarely is a divorce involving a third party an "uncontested" matter...in other words...the presence of a third party almost always causes the divorce to be contested....so this kind of things is standard practice....and not should not really be considered a LB but just a matter of the way things are. <P>So contest the divorce if you like...its your right...it doesn't have to be done with any particular animosity or bitterness...you are just making the general statement by contesting that you feel this is a marriage worth saving and you are asking the court to take that into consideration. <P>If she still wants to do the paperwork herself...let her...that should keep her busy for a while...here in Texas...the final decree in divorces involving children has grown from around 6 or 7 pages to 35 or 40 pages in the last few years and I'm sure other states are similar...and it is quite complicated to get everything in it that needs to be...and done right.<P>Also the courts are beginning to look more favorably on dads getting custody and I would say that in 2 out of every 4 divorces now involving children the parents are getting joint custody....so if you want sole custody or to share custody, ask for it.<P>There are things that you can do in a divorce proceeding that are pure agitation and harrashment (like turning off the utilities, withdrawing money from joint accounts or destroying property of the parties, for example) but merely not wanting divorce to happen is not one of them.<P>Faye