FLgal,<P>I respect your opinions, but I must say I agree with everyone else who replied. I am not an angry, bitter man trying to force my W to stay in an unhappy marriage. I am a loving husband who is trying to keep his family together. My W is free to make her own decisions, but I don't have to agree with them just to make it easier for her. I don't believe my W realizes the ramifications of her decision, the financial and emotional toll this will take on all of us, especially our daughter. <P>I can choose not to contest it, but when her "fantasy relationship" with OM starts to fall apart (as A's usually do), I believe my W will realize the mistake she's made and the pain she's caused, but at that point it will be too late. If there was not an OM involved and we did everything we could to work this out, I could walk away knowing we did all we can to save our marriage, but that's not the case. If my W's feelings for the OM a real and they are meant to be together, then they will be. But if her feelings for him are just part of the "fog", I want to do what I can to insure that I will be there when the "fog" starts to lift. I don't believe a divorce should be easy, it should be the most heartwrenching think a person has to go through. I think that's how you know if it's the right thing to do.<P>sad dad<P>P.S. Just so you all know, my W never mentioned divorce until I exposed her A. I don't think that's a coincidence.

sad - I think you can follow FLgal's advice AND contest the divorce. Why not? FLgal is absolutely right. You cannot act bitter and demanding and nasty, etc. - but you know this already.<P>WAT<p>[This message has been edited by worthatry (edited July 16, 2001).]

WAT,<P>Since my W originally brought up divorce (2 months ago), I have told her that I understand that's how she feels, but that it's not how I feel nor is it what I want. I never told her she was wrong or it would be a mistake. I have not shown her any anger or bitterness, which you know since you've been following my story. This is an issue where we will have to agree to disagree. If this is truly what she wants, than she can go through the necessary steps to get it. Helping her with something I'm so strongly against would make me a hyprocrite. As I've said before, my decision to contest it based on what I believe will give me the best chance to save my marriage, not spite. <P>This is all premature, since she has yet to file. But who knows, after she does I may change my mind about contesting it somewhere down the road. I believe my W will need to see the price to be paid (financially, emotionally, personally) for pursuing a divorce before the reality of it sinks in. She may be prepared for it, but I don't know that anybody really can be.<P>sad dad<p>[This message has been edited by sad dad (edited July 15, 2001).]

I talked to my W Saturday night about her letter. All I said was:<P>"I know you want a divorce, but that's not what I want, I'd like to work on our marriage. If this is what you feel you need to do, you'll have to do it on you own. I can't help you do something that goes against everything I believe".<P>All she said was OK. I think it may have come out a little rehearsed. I may bring it up again and just tell her I love her and I'm not ready to give up on our marriage. I did not mention contesting it, it seemed premature.<P>sad dad<P>

Sad dad,<P>I have never posted to this forum before but I felt that since I was in a position to offer you insight you are not going to get anywhere else, I should do that. <P>I am just like your wife. I am the one wanting out of my marriage. My H has expressed beliefs such as those you mention in your post. I have had an affair. (So has my h, btw - about 3 years ago). Since I am presently living the "other side", I would ask you to consider a couple of things.<P>First, I would ask you to consider the basic principle of marriage - the union of two willing and committed people for individual and common growth. I would ask you if you coerced and threatened your wife INTO a marriage union with you when you wed. Of course you didn't - how ridiculous! I would then ask you why you feel now, that you are justified in coercing and threatening her into staying in it????? You don't feel you are doing that perhaps? I would suggest to you that if you are considering challenging your wife for custody of a daughter in the absence of evidence of poor parenting, then you are threatening!! I would suggest that if you are going to contest the divorce "just to drag it out", "so she's have time to come to her senses", then you are coercing!!!!<P>You see.....the point isn't really whether you agree with her decisions or not. The point is that she has a RIGHT to make them - right or wrong, good or bad. The point isn't what you can do to stop this or drag this out - the point is that you since you must accept decisions that are hers to make, how can you ensure the best possible environment and outcome for your daughter given that reality. <P>Please understand that I DO understand your pain and anguish. I do understand that the most frightening feeling any of us will ever experience is when we face the reality that OUR reality can change so drastically, in a moment, through the decisions of another person who we have chosen to intertwine our lives with. Our "gut level" reaction to the loss of control is to grab onto it and hold on for all it's worth and "at all cost". It's that "all cost" thing though that should be concerning to you, sad dad, IMO. You see....there will be a huge cost to placing yourself in battle with your wife. There will be a cost to you, to her and to your daughter. What's worse is that ....in the end....there will be no winner at all for all that pain. The unfortunate reality is that you can't force your wife into staying where she doesn't want to be. She will resent your unwillingness to accept her choices for her life and the ensuing battle will have long lasting repercussions on your daughter. <P>My advice to you sad dad is this. Sit down with you wife and acknowledge two things 1) that you understand that she may chose to leave the marriage just a she chose to enter into it. Tell her that while you don't share her feelings, you will not stand in her way. 2) offer to sit down with her either one on one or with a mediator, to discuss how to proceed with the best interests of your daughter in mind (least impact - continuing stability and whatever that may entail. If you wife has been the primary caretaker, she should continue to be. Looking to exact "punishment" against you wife at the cost of your daughter's wellbeing is not a noble act!)<P>Sad dad, I would be most happy to share my thoughts with you at any time....if you find it at all helpful. Just ask. My best to you and your family.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sad dad:<BR><B>I talked to my W Saturday night about her letter. All I said was:<P>"I know you want a divorce, but that's not what I want, I'd like to work on our marriage. If this is what you feel you need to do, you'll have to do it on you own. I can't help you do something that goes against everything I believe".<P>All she said was OK. I think it may have come out a little rehearsed. I may bring it up again and just tell her I love her and I'm not ready to give up on our marriage. I did not mention contesting it, it seemed premature.<P>sad dad<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

blossoming,<P>I appreciate you reply and agree with some of your points.<BR>Just a little background. My W is not the primary caretaker of our D. We both work and our D is in day care. We share the responsibility of her care equally, in fact I spend more time with her than my W due to our work schedules. I resent the implication that I am "challenging" or "threatening" my W with a custody battle. My W is an excellent mother and I am an excellent father, but don't I have the right to desire my child be with me? Should I concede the custody issue for the sake of family harmony? <BR>I love my D and want to do anything I can to keep her family together, but if my W chooses to divorce me, why should I automatically lose my D too? <P>I will give more thought about contesting the divorce, but I have every right to want my daughter to be with me, not ouf of revenge or spite, but because I love her more than anything in the world. <P>sad dad

Sad dad,<P>I am not sitting in judgement. I am asking you what is best for your daughter and if you are able to act with that in mind?? As you no doubt realize, the "ideal" situation for your daughter is that her life be impacted as little as possible. The ideal situation is that you and your wife are able to work cooperatively together to ensure that. I am not suggesting at all that you "lose" your daughter. I simply object to the notion that your wife should, as "punishment" for her actions and choices. You concede that you and your wife are equally capable parents. On what basis then could you justify having MORE rights to your daughter than your wife? I'm asking you to concede that you and your wife, despite your current differences, have one very important thing IN COMMON and that is a love for your child and a committment to her future well-being. I am asking you to set aside your emotions and hurt and I pray that your wife will be able to do that as well and that you can sit down and work out a solution TOGETHER. Custody of a child is not an "all or nothing" situation. It is not a "win-lose" situation. This is about your daughter's well being and there are a multitude of arrangements that can be made that will achieve that goal and that will afford you and your wife the opportunity to positively contribute to her life. Don't lose sight of that and if you can do that you WILL find a solution that WILL work for all of you. <P> <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sad dad:<BR><B>blossoming,<P>I appreciate you reply and agree with some of your points.<BR>Just a little background. My W is not the primary caretaker of our D. We both work and our D is in day care. We share the responsibility of her care equally, in fact I spend more time with her than my W due to our work schedules. I resent the implication that I am "challenging" or "threatening" my W with a custody battle. My W is an excellent mother and I am an excellent father, but don't I have the right to desire my child be with me? Should I concede the custody issue for the sake of family harmony? <BR>I love my D and want to do anything I can to keep her family together, but if my W chooses to divorce me, why should I automatically lose my D too? <P>I will give more thought about contesting the divorce, but I have every right to want my daughter to be with me, not ouf of revenge or spite, but because I love her more than anything in the world. <P>sad dad</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

blossoming,<P>You are correct that we must do what is best for our daughter. I don't beleive that joint custody with the child spending 3 days with one parent and 4 days with the other is good. The child has no sense of stability and will not feel at "home" in either house. That's just my opinion. The ideal situation would be if my W commit to doing everything possible to save our marriage, but she will not do that because of OM. That being said, I think the best thing for our daughter is to have one primary residence. All I want is to have the same rights regarding custody issues that are afforded women, and we all know that's not the case.<BR>I have ackowledged my responsibility for some of the problems in our marriage and have always been willing to work on them, but my W chose to have an A, and she is choosing the divorce. Our daughter is caught in the middle and I don't know what's in her best interest.<P>sad dad

Sad dad,<P>Yes....the "ideal" situation WOULD be that your wife re-commit to your marriage. No argument here. That just isn't your present reality though. You aren't going to get any argument from me that either that there isn't a cost to your daughter in separation. No one brings a child into the world wanting them to grow up as a "suitcase" child. What is often not seen though is the cost to a child of living in a home where the parents are together but hostile or even the cost of modelling an emotionally closed relationship. There is a "cost" to that too and that IS the alternative you would seem to be suggesting. I realize that on the surface it seems more "pallatable" (sp?) but the effects on children are just a real. Would you not agree that our role as parents is to provide for our children love and security AND to model for them the ability to behave maturely and to foster successful relationships, despite a changing life path? What lesson do you want to teach your daughter given your current reality?<P>Can I just tell you that my H and I have agreed to a temporary period of us "switching out" of the house. Our kids will stay in their home 100% of the time. I will be in the home approximately 70% of the time (since that is consistent with past patterns of parenting and our work schedules) and my H will "switch in" at agreed upon times. When he's in, I'll be at his place. It is a solution that, IMO, is fair and consistent and stable for our children. It is not my "ideal" situation nor my h's but, under that circumstances, I think it's the best we could hope for. <BR>I would add though that this "solution" for us took 4 months of BITTER and ANGRY times which our children were subjected to, despite both our efforts to keep it from them. My sole purpose in writing to you today is to spare you and your daughter the pain that I have experienced and witnessed.<P>