<BR>My life never be the same after the D-Day.....and I see the scenes of sex in my mind and I don't know how to stop this....<BR>He said it was only sex but I don't know if it's possible....<BR>I've been thinking about to have a revenge affair and my question is "is there someone here that had a revenge affair?"<BR>I wanna know if a revenge affair could bring me good things like a possibility to fell better and my big hope is to stop the negative thoughts about my hubby. I wanna leave this pain and the angry.....<BR>Please, help me!!! Could someone tell me what happened after the revenge affair?<BR>I know it seems crazy but I think that doing the same thing I could forgive him and fell better.....<BR>Am I wrong?<BR>Hugs<BR>Belle<P>

I thought about the same thing when my wife cheated on me in December. It kind of seems to be justified and you would think you will feel a lot better. Also if you have one you wouldn't feel guilty at all because your husband did it and me my wife did it. But I think the original pain will still be there plus on top you may generate extra pain and new problems by doing this. There will be two hurts instead of one. The thought is tempting and it almost feels justified. If my spouse had an affair why can't I have some fun too? But in reading various posts on this site it doesn't seem to help anything. There is the sayinh two wrongs don't make a right but it sure is tempting when we have been betrayed.

My husband wanted me to have an affair so he wouldn't feel so guilty about his. So, I didn't. <P>Nell <P>------------------<BR>One faces the future with one's past.<BR>--Pearl S. Buck

LBA:<P>Having an affair to spite an affair is like nuclear warfare: the fallout is pretty global.<P>Time to read Plan A, and the concepts of MarriageBuilders again, just as a reinforcement. Not to mention a refresher reading of Dr. Harley's <I>Surviving an Affair</I>.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

<B> DON'T DO IT ! </B> A revenge affair will not make you feel better. Nor will it make the bad feelings toward you h go away. It will only only cause you more pain and make you feel worse about yourself as a person. Hold on to your integrity and self respect ! Once you throw those away you will never get them back 100%. Even if no one else ever finds out you will know, God will know and the op will know.<P>I know of many people who have left their spouse after a revenge affair, even though that spouse forgave them for theirs. Doesn't seem fair but it's life.<P>Besides why would you want anyone else to feel the pain you have felt ? <P>Two wrongs never make a right.

Thank you for replies<BR>I love my hubby and the only thing that I want is to find a way to forgive him. I tried to forget and go on but the pain is killing me....<BR>The revenge affair is only an idea to fell better but I don't wanna hurt my hubby.....It would be a secret. A horrible secret I know. The wrong way but if I could be better.....if i could forgive him doing this.....<BR>To me isn't a pleasure to think about a revenge affair....I love only my hubby...<BR>I only wanna to stop the scenes inside my mind that bits my soul<P>Hugs<BR>Belle

LBA:<P>Only time helps in that regard; in conjunction, of course, with fulfilling each other emotional needs and the four rules: honesty, care, protection and time.<P>If you haven't already done so, this would be an excellent time for you and your husband to read <I>His Needs, Her Needs</I> and <I>Surviving an Affair</I> ... I can attest that it works. As for my W's "forgetting" ... it is not forgotten: it is forgiven. As time goes on, as we work toward fulfilling each other's emotional needs and work hard at meeting the criteria of the four rules, the images fade.<P>No good can come of dwelling on the past (except not to repeat it); it is the future that you and your husband must work toward if your marriage is not only to survive, but thrive.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Belle,<P>Revenge affair, revenge relationship...feeling better about yourself...someone, anyone thinking you are loveable, attractive....<P>What is the core of your desire for revenge? Think about the end...how you will feel after...<P>Just last night I was troubled with 'the scenes,' I blinked and put another thought in my head...later they came back, I started thinking...with this ever end? Haven't I forgiven him? Yes...but the pain is still there...<P>I remember when the pain of my miscarriage was still fresh, even a year later it could overwhelm me...now 5 years later, I only 'remember' the pain...I don't 'feel' it.<P>The pain will fade...sorry for the cliche, but time will help...give it time...<P>In the meantime, come up with a coping mechanism...when you 'see' the scenes...have something else prepared to switch to...like switching away from a tv program you don't like....<P><BR>Cali

Hi Angel,<P>Welcome to MB, Hon.<P>After my H and I were seperated 8 mos (not Divorced), I got involved with someone. I ended it a few mos aft it started. As I look back it does qualify as a revenge affair, altho I made sure my H did not know. It was for me to feel better about me, or so I thought... lol. What it really was all about was to not have to "FEEL", yanno? Not have to feel the pain and anguish I was feeling, and I hurt someone terribly in the process. Actually I hurt myself too.<P>There are a couple things I want you to know, first ... getting involved with someone during this "A" time is not best for you, you are not emotionally stable, not yourself. Secondly, you are trying to apply a bandaide to wounds that need to heal (your anger and you hurt). All the emotions you're feeling are unfortunetly necessary so you can heal. You need to go thru them, you need to experience them to get to a place where you are "YOU" again. You're only prolonging your healing by getting involved. You're not really learning anything, you're trying to put a quick fix to something that needs a time and thought and emotional healing.<P>And then there's the fact that you or this OP, you may get involved with, will be hurt. And that will only add to your already full steamer trunk of issues (guilt). If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't have got involved. <P>You see I was JMAO (justifying my azz off) thinking "I'm only human, I've been cheated on twice in my marriage (that I know of). I've had my H father two children during our marriage, I deserve to have someone NOW". And in essence I "DESERVED" to heal and be a better person FIRST and FOREMOST and and ... I needed to be DIVORCED before I could EVEN THINK about getting involved because it made me just like my H ... an adulteror. I am not judging you at all ... I am telling you how I felt about myself. And now that I'm D I have to deal with the fact I did what my H did. I dissapointed myself. I let myself down. <P>I hope I haven't offended you in any way, Hon. I had so many people here on MB tell me I was going to feel the way I feel now when my realtionship with OP was in it's infancy stage, but I did not listen. Like you, I'm human and had so many needs that had not been met, so my "taker" side became dominant and drove me. I had to learn for myself, and so here I am .. feeling guilt for doing it. Another thing I have to atone for, hoping I can forgive myself.<P>I hope you aren't like me, and listen to everyone here on MB. I hope you make the right decision. <P>God Bless you,<BR>Jo

La Belle, when I was a couple of weeks past D-day and in fresh, bleeding pain, I wanted somebody, anybody, to tell me that I was worthwhile and lovable. I felt like such a nothing; my own H had abandoned me emotionally. While I tried to shop for a new refrigerator, I even yearned towards the salesman, I was so desperate for attention. I walked back to the car, clammy with sweat, and cranked the motor only to hear the radio station blare out "For God's sake, don't do something foolish!" (You know, from that song, "Stand Tall"...)<P>Well, I had to laugh and the tension was broken. God had a strong message for me and He called right out to me, on the radio! Since then, I've thought how glad I am that I didn't add shame and self-hatred to the problems I have right now.<P>Stand tall, La Belle! You can do it and God will help you!<P>SBH