I have read many postings here and I too, as some of you have read, have posted with hopes of direction and encouragement to do the right thing, which I have decided to do. Thank you all for your input, it was appreciated and did not fall on deaf ears. If you are just seeing me for the first time, I will let you know that I posted a couple of days ago and asked why I SHOULDN'T cheat. I am on the other foot of many of you in here and wanted to give some perspective as to why our thoughts steer towards this direction, so as to possibly help some of you avoid a recurrence in your present, or future relationships. It may help one of you or none of you, but I hope it at least gives you some food for thought. I am a woman, and women are very emotional creatures. We lose blood every month and have natural chemical imbalances due to this. It is not our fault that we are made this way, it is the fact of life. Ask any woman if they would want to have theire menstrual, menopause or even go through ovulation and I will guarantee most will say uhhh I don't think so, especially when we are cramping or having a heavy day. But this is not the reason why I wanted to cheat. (obviously) My point in the above is that although we may seem strong, independent, ethical and what ever else you see. We are just humans that want to feel loved, wanted and appreciated. I read once that the greatest human need is the need to feel appreciated. Think about it for a moment. If your efforts were done all in vain, how would you feel? In my present relationship, my husband emphasizes on how much he would never want to lose me. How he loves me so much in every way and he seldomly, in the past 8 years, has ever thought about being with someone else (we both have at one time and now I am again) So why is this not enough to keep me satisfied? Why would I have thoughts of infidelity and picture myself in bed with other men? I will give you a recent example and go from there. Coincidentally, he found me on this website. He actually caught me writing a reply and of course became inquisitive as to all the happenings. I showed them to him and he learned that I was thinking of cheating on him. I cried as he read it and cried when he talked about it. I felt so relieved that he knew, although initially it was not my intention to have him find out. Well, he decided that he was going to go to a counselor and I agreed I would too. The next day, he called the office and discussed cost, days available etc. Well, I thought to myself, "gosh, he is actually showing that he is interested in changing our current status". I expressed to him that I wanted nothing more than for us to be happy as a family and that our son grows up with his parents together. I am not sure if these comments triggered something in his head that said "hey I'm back in there" but this weekend he is going to see the Marlin/Yankee game with his co-worker. I figured he needs to get some recreation as I also go out with my friends. I figured since we have this out in the opened and I expressed what my needs were (romance, affection) that he would instinctively want to initiate something to start the process of our healing. NOPE, he started to get involved with golf and asked me if I could watch the baby on Sunday so he could hit some balls...hmmmm I said NOPE sorry I have plans on Sunday to do my hair and nails and take care of some errands. I need Sunday if you want Saturday (we take turns with the baby) He says, can I go Saturday? I am now saying to myself &@$@&^!! (bad word) You think he'd want to spend some quality time with the wife? I have 7 FREE movie tickets, have baby sitters lined up. WHY do I have to initiate everything? Can SOMEONE give this man a clue? THus, if he wants to play/watch/read sports all day and night that is fine. But he has to make love to it and not me. I will find someone that wants to spend time with me and not in front the television...BUT whenever I want out...he tries to show me that he cares. WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS?

I think it's human nature to be lazy. We tend to take each other for granted. It's not that he doesn't love you.Maybe you need to be very specific about what you need from your H, and how often you need it. When my H was around I would have to spell things out for him exactly. He didn't just 'get it'.

FLgal:<P>It all boils down to fulfillment of emotional needs. If your husband isn't meeting yours and you are not meeting his, then the possibility of affair increases; but not just affairs, marital discord increases as well.<P>I would heartily recommend reading Dr. Harley's <I>His Needs, Her Needs</I> and <I>How to Affair-proof Your Marriage</I>.<P>With work by you both, this is something you can fix. Fixing a marriage after an affair is much, much more difficult. Not only is there the emotional pain of it, but it also shatters the marital trust. That is something damn-near impossible to recoup, and even then, it takes commitment and time to overcome.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL<p>[This message has been edited by SeenTheLight (edited July 14, 2001).]

I agree with Maezy, in that your H probably needs to know specific details of what you need from him to keep you happy. As much as we think we give hints all the time, the truth of the matter is, they don't pick up on them. None of us are mind readers (well, the majority of us aren't... grin.. but I do believe that some out there do have that gift).<P>Tell him what you need. A good start would be to fill out the EN questionnaires. You can get them on this site, and print them out. Be sure you BOTH fill them out. A good idea might be to be the initiator yet again (I know, it's hard, and certainly takes it's toll on the self esteem), and ask him to fill it out for you, so that you can be the best W to him that you can possibly be. Then explain that you need him to fill out the questionnaires as well. <P>Of course, go and see a counsellor too. If you address your needs to him/her, then perhaps he/she can find a way to convey to your H just how imperative it is. He may need to hear it from an outside source in order for it to sink in better.<P>Good luck to you! Keep us posted on what you do.<P>Karen<BR>

FLgal,<P>Just wanted to tell you.....<P>Your post is very hard to read because there are paragraphs. It is hard for the human eye to follow this.<P>Even if you don't want to take the time to write in paragraphs, just and some blank lines every so often. <P>And please don't think I'm picking on you. Every time someone posts like this I have the same problem and have been thinking of making comments about it.<P>Thanks<BR>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

FLgal<P>Ok, now for my real post.<P>I know exactly what you mean. Many, many women could tell you the exact same thing about their marriages.<P>And I will venture to bet that if your husband were to really open up to you, he’d tell you that there are emotional needs of his that you are not filling. <P>Most of the BS here know why their spouses strayed. And if you read the postings you will find that the WS was not the only one whose needs were not being met. Both spouses share responsibility for the state of the marriage.<P>There are two sides to every marriage. The problem with your having an affair is that it may make you feel good for a while. But it is not going to fix the problem and it is not going to help you learn how to have a better relationship with your husband or any future partner. In addition you would be inflicting unbelievable pain on your daughter, your husband and yourself. <P>You see, most of us (WS & BS) have no clue how to make a marriage work. We know that it is hard work but we don’t now what work we are supposed to be doing. SeenTheLight (my husband) suggested that you read some of the Marriage Builder books. I cannot give you any better advice. Speaking from experience, those books and the material on this web site will give you and your husband the road map to turning your marriage into a passionate, loving relationship that you cannot even imagine. It is the Marriage 101 Class that should be taught in every high school and every university. It should be taught BEFORE a marriage gets to the point where one or both spouses stray.<P>I understand your frustration about your husband stating his love for you and his willingness to make the marriage work and then spending so much time with any and everything but you. AHHHHHHHH <P>If you want your marriage to work, then you are going to have to cut him some slack for the moment. He does not know what he is supposed to be doing. Does he know about the “Rule of Time”? The Rule of Time says that spouses need to spend a minimum of 15 hours a week together, one on one, focusing on each other to maintain a loving relationship. If they do not, their marriage will fall apart. Time with others can come only after 15 hours is fulfilled. <P>You are lucky; your husband now knows how you feel. He has agreed to counseling and working on your marriage. Have patience with him for a bit while the two of you learn what you need to do to repair your marriage. Ask him to read the suggested books, fill out the questionnaires, etc. <P>Like most women, your top, or near top, emotional need is probably affection. Romance is a very important part of affection. You will probably need to teach your husband how to be romantic because a lot of people (men and women) do not know how to do it on an on going basis. And a suggestion here … Guys love for their wives to be romantic too. Anyway, I wanted to suggest a book to you: “1001 Ways To Be Romantic”, by Gregory Godek. One of my favorite sayings in the book is something like, Love is the emotion, Romance is love in action. It’s a wonderful, fun book that can spark romantic ideas in you and your husband. The author give seminars.. Apparently he tells the men that the reason they need to romance their wives is because if they do, they will get what they want… Romance = Sex. A friend of mine said that one statement from Godek was enough to make him a believer.<P>I know I’m going on and on here but I’m trying to talk until you hear that you have the opportunity to save your marriage here. Between your husband’s love for you, yours for him and the MB concepts.<P>You will need support and the people on this web site are more then willing to give it.<P>Z<BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

FLgal<P>Hi, was just checking in with you. Keep us posted OK?<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Thank you for all of your responses and Zorweb, thank you for your feedback regarding my "paragraphs". <P>I appreciate your advice and yes there are two sides to the story. Moreover, I can appreciate the fact that he may have needs that I may not be meeting emotionally. I am opened to that, however, as you stated I am not a mind reader and he does not express what his emotional needs are. Therefore, I cannot address this, other than just trying to get along with him in any way I can. <P>I have not gotten into specifics about what the course of events were that caused my frustration. I only gave the recent example. I will give you some intimate details so that you can understand a bit more about me, and perhaps then you can provide feedback or suggestions that may be more appropriate. Not that what you suggested may not help, however, the impression that I got from you is that you probably don't think I have made the effort that I have over the years and I want to clarify... <P>When we first met, the love was wonderful. He romanced me like a pro. Beachwalks and intimate talks, when I came home sometimes, he would strip me naked and tell me to go into the bath, where I'd find candles, sparkling wine (in my favorite flavor) and he would leave me there to unwind. I have an appetite for spicy hot sex. I like dressing for him (garter belts, stockings and tasteful lingerie) and I would venture into other things that a loving couple could share without hurting anyone or each other. (movies, blindfolds, food, ice) He was TOTALLy into all of the above as well, up until we got married.<P>We bought a brand new house. While that was being built, we lived by his mom's house for a little while and the romance seemed about the same. When we moved in the house, there was a lot to do, as we all know. I didn't expect the romance or us doing the things we were accustomed to (traveling, taking long road trips, weekend getaways) to continue at the same pace. So I didn't think about it much. However, when all was settled and done. I noticed a DRASTIC change in his sexuality and desire to romance me. He started saying things like "you don't have to wear that stuff, I prefer you naked", or he would say "movies are too expensive", let's just watch TV (SPORTS) He would watch his games and eventually fall asleep in front the TV.<P>When I got frustrated the first time, I asked him what happened to our love life? Does he not want me anymore? Why has he never made me a bath in our big Roman tub, but he did in the little iddy biddy one at his mom's. He looked into himself and admitted that he was starting to take me for granted. He said that being married made him have a false sense of security and that I would not leave him. (I wanted a divorce) He then realized how wrong he was and said he would do what it takes to make me happy. Well it was great for about 2 months and went back to the same way again. It went on like that for about 2 years. <P>We got a computer UGGGHH what temptation. I started to chat with people and as I stated in one of my previous postings. Being vulnerable, I fell for someone "online". I never had cybersex or anything like that. I just liked the feeling of being wanted by someone that was a male, good looking and I felt alive again. We met and we realized (after getting physical) That we should not meet again, as we don't want to any further intimately. I completely ended the ties with him. BTW throughout this whole time we were getting divorce done as we had exhausted 4 months of marriage counseling.<P>So I have tried all of those things. Counseling, expressing what my wants were IN DETAILS. In his wallet is a typed list of all the things he could do to help make our relationship stronger i.e. flowers once in a while, kiss me more than a second, tell me that you love me other than when we hang up the phone...and about 15 other things. He does NONE of them. Only when I threaten to leave does he respond. I am fed up...<P>I know in my heart and soul, if he would just take the initiative ONCE in a while, I would reciprocate ten fold. I just can't be the one anymore....~FLgal~

FLgal:<P>That is what the emotional needs questionnaire is all about: so neither of you have to guess at the other's emotional needs. Doing the questionnaire lets you know what his needs are and how he perceives you meeting them. Ditto for you. He expresses his top emotional needs, you express yours. You fulfill his top 5, he fulfills your top 5. Combine that with the four rules: honesty, care, protection and time ... Bingo!<P>In addition, zorweb and I have found it useful to have a weekly EN review, as needs can change over time, or there could be a temporary need that supplants one of the top five for a time. Communication and commitment to the ENs and 4 rules, and the probability of having a rewarding and fulfilling marriage are greatly enhanced.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL