The story continues...<P>Last night my H told me that he needed to go into work early today. (??) Well, for some reason this sent alarms off in my head. After he left "for work" I decided to take a little drive myself. Guess what I found? He was standing on the OW porch waiting... Well, I rolled down my window and told him I thought that we'd better talk. He came and sat in my car and really couldn't believe that I was there. I again told him I wasn't going to live this way. I honestly don't want a divorce but don't think I can live with this. He is being deployed and will be out of the country for nine months. How do you work on a marriage when you aren't even in the same country? Do you think that time will make it better or worse? Should I just throw in the towel now and be done with it? It doesn't look like I'm very good about letting him "have his affair"... I just don't know what to do...

2 2 - what was his reaction? Defiant? Humble?<P>Maybe a nine month deployment is exactly what he needs - presuming OW doesn't go.<P>Stop tailing him and be a model wife right up until he leaves. Write him a letter to take with him professing your love and desire to work on your marriage. We'll help you.<P>Plan A, Plan A, Plan A.<P>WAT

WAT,<P>OW is not going but I doubt if that stops her from e-mailing/writing him. Honest I didn't tail him, I just had a gut feeling that he was lying and wanted to settle it in my own mind. You could have knocked me over with a feather when I saw him standing there... I know I should be working harder on plan A but "this is HARD"!! (guess I just need to whine) I honestly don't want to be married to a man who says he doesn't love me. I know that "he's in a fog", but I just don't know if I have what it takes to get through this.

If you're here, you've got what it takes - knowledge and support.<P>Think of him as his evil twin. They ALL say they don't love us anymore or aren't "in love" with us. Right now he is not your real husband and can't act like it. He's been abducted by aliens and had his brains scrambled.<P>You can do this.<P>WAT

WAT,<P>Thanks so much for being here. I know I've read it all but he sounds so sure that he wants OW... we've got a 9 and 11 year old. They are the only thing giving me the push to try and work this out. I just don't know how I can live with him seeing her... I don't know if I can handle all of this pain........

Believe me, we all understand your pain. We can't lessen it, but we can help you endure.<P>Think seriously of writing him a Plan A letter to take on deployment. It should be modeled after a Plan B letter, but without the punch line.<P>It will be a big benefit for you to demonstrate your Plan A improvements before he leaves. You want him to go with the best overall impression of you and your family.<P>WAT

WAT,<P>I know that you're right, it's just right now I think I'm still in shock from seeing him standing on that porch... I really thought I was proving to myself that he wasn't lying to me. I guess I just need a shoulder to cry on so I can try and work it all out of my system before he comes home tonight. (I assume that he'll still come home) We didn't fight, I just told him I couldn't believe he was standing there and that I just couldn't live with the lies. We left it at that we'd leave everything be until he comes home... just pray that God gives me the strenght to carry this out. (I guess because truth means so much to me it's really hard not telling him what I'm really thinking and feeling...) Thank you for being here..

Your self assessment sounds right-on.<P>Do all you can to not LB tonight. It's counterintuitive, but consider a nice welcome and make family plans if it's appropriate - maybe a nice dinner. It's hard to kiss his butt right now, but you have a reasoned out plan and filling ENs is part of the plan. You're not a doormat because you have a strategy and you're thinking long term. Doormats don't think.<P>WAT

WAT,<P>How do I meet his EN's when he doesn't want me to? DDay was April 3, he agreed to contact and things really got better, he left for camp and saw he when he came back (this was the end of June) he's just shut down most of the time now. I feel like I'm beating my head against a wall....

that was he agreed to no contact....

2T2C,<BR> Ok the thing that jumped at me was DEPLOYED meaning MILITARY. Well i wanted you to know that i am a military spouse, right now with a deployed H and we are working on it and really well. So it is possible. H has been gone since April and we are filling all the needs, and are building a stronger us. There are days that we aer both tired of being apart, but we have learned to communicate, how to have a discussion with a beginning, middle , and an end. Everyday it gets better and stronger. My question to you, How badly does your H want to work it out? That no contact rule is a must though. And even with H that far away, i have to trust that noone but his parents and I have his phone # ( which is unlisted i checked) or his address. And he gave me full disclosure of his email passswords. He has done this to make me feel comfortable and safe. And I thank God he took my feelings so seriously. Time will make it better, with you both working on it. Does he still have contact??<BR>(((((HUGS))))<BR>Maine<P>------------------<BR>IN the words of BOB the BUILDER!!" WE can fix it, yes we can!!!"

Maine, <P>In Arpil he agreed to no contact with OW, he broke that end of June. Now all he says he wants is to stay married until kids are grown and have OW. In other words he wants his cake and to be able to eat it too. He is Reserve, and is going to Kosovo for nine months... I'm sure she will be writing/e-mailing him. I just don't think he cares about anyone but himself right now...... How do you manage to work on marriage being separated? Communication is key but H isn't much on writing anything so I don't know how it will work... Any advice would be helpful.

HOw do we manage to work on it while seperated. LOTS of PHONE time, A H that wants us to be whole more than anything in the world, Letters EVERYDAY!!, packages, and surprise packages, He lets me tell him my angry fellings and listens to it, He is very remorseful. He persoanly does all he can to make me feel secure, such as i can call him anytime in the night and HE IS THERE. My H was not much on writing, but he had to change that for me and us, so he did. Your H sounds selfish. He wants you He wants her What is that. He is going to half to make a HUGE effort for the communication while in Kosovo for any of it to work. I wish i had the magic formula for you, in my case both of us wanted it to work, and there was no OW to contend with, she had already been discarded. How can he agree to NO CONTACT if his LONG range plans aer to stay married to you until the kids are grown and then be with the OW. You cannot stop talking to a person and then years later SURPRISE I am here for you. He wil still bein contact, ( your trip this mornign sort of showed that) You will not even begin to heal unless there is NO CONTACT and TOTAL HONESTY. I will not lie, if you do not get a good base tobuild on before he goes to Kosovo, the seperation can and possible will destroy your marriage. Start gettingthat base NOW! <BR> It is not easy having a WS in another state or country, but i am p[roof, that if you want it it can be done. If you want to talk about it my email addy is krissmass_snow@yahoo. And i do write back LOL. The road will be a hard one, but the rewards at the end of the road aer so worth it.<BR>Maine<P>------------------<BR>IN the words of BOB the BUILDER!!" WE can fix it, yes we can!!!"

Maine,<P>Thanks for the advice. I've written your address down and will e-mail you later. I just don't see how we have enough time to survive a nine month separation with him wanting it all. I think after being away from us for 9 months it will be easier to just let it go instead of working on it... thanks for the response it means a lot.

First I have anew email addy so email me at mainemade_mrs@hotmail.com<BR> Second, how long until he goes?? Do not give up hope, 9 months allso light be the time needed for him to realize what he has in you too.<BR> Maine<P>------------------<BR>IN the words of BOB the BUILDER!!" WE can fix it, yes we can!!!"