I am worried that I may not have changed enough of the things I was doing wrong before the A occurred.<P>This is what I have done for me:<BR>-No longer suicidal (H knows and likes this obviously)<BR>-Spending more times with kids/being better mom (H is oblivious)<BR>-Got much better at cleaning/cooking (H has noticed, one of EN's)<BR>-Lost 24 lbs (not a plus, H likes larger women, but I like to be more in shape)<BR>-Tattoo (H loves it)<P>My H hinted the other day that he had really started to dislike me and he was embarassed to go out with me sometimes because of the things I would say to people (this was before A). I need suggestions on how to fix this part...<P>I was outgoing when we first met and H was real quiet, but our roles seemed to change, I became an engineer (easy to be isolated), and he became very outgoing and made lots of new friends. I've made quite a few acquaintances, and only one real friend to hang out with where we live now.<P>I need to be able to talk to people better, not say stupid stuff, and be more outgoing. What can I do, especially when I have the 3 kids 99% of the time?? <P>I've always said stupid stuff, I'm not a very good conversationalist, so it's not like that is new behavior, I think it just started to bug H more and more...<P>As an aside, H said something that bugged me today when he picked up the kids. I gave him a hug, and he said, hey you're not supposed to know what we talked about the other day, so you should still be terse with me (I think half joking). I said, what that means I can't hug you? He says, NO, you can hug me. I said I miss you that's all, he says don't worry you'll see me soon when I bring the kids back... <P>So I'm just supposed to wait around because I secretly know that eventually he's going to come back and he will do the official no contact with OW. So, since I know what he plans on doing and it's also what I want, then I just have to wait and placate him in the meantime. Not. Ugh. I know he means well in all this, but it just comes out so perverted sometimes.<P>Okay, back on topic, so how do I change this stuff for the better???

Ok--<P>I'm a little bugged by this. Who determines that what you say is 'stupid?' Your H? And this is not an LB to you? (see critical judgement?)Why do you think what you say is 'stupid?' The 'teacher' in me is really having a hard time with this....I don't like the word stupid....<P>Okay--with that off my chest, my suggestion is that you read HN/HN or the stuff on the website...I found that downloading and listening to the old radio shows was also very helpful...<P>Otherwise, I need more info on why you think you're not a good conversationalist....<P>Cali

Hurtbyhubby:<BR>I'm troubled by this, too. Where does your H get off totally re-making you? He doesn't like the way you clean? cook? He doesn't like the way you talk?<BR>What, is he perfect?<BR>What is H doing to change HIMSELF? This guy sounds like he's got a helluva nerve.

HbH:<P>Keep working the ENs, you are obviously making headway. As far as uttering "stupid" things, this is one area in which your husband, once out of the fog, is going to have to work: his saying this violates the rule of care and of protection. The bottom line is this: if YOU are discomforted by things you say, then work on it. One way is to think of your response before uttering a word. Hard to do at first, but it comes easier with practice.<P>RC:<P>Hmmm ... still don't get the concept of meeting emotional needs, I see.<P>If he has ENs based on domestic support, family support, etc. then HbH is--within the concepts of MB philosophy--supposed to work diligently to meet them. Just as he is supposed to be working diligently to meet her emotional needs.<P>As for being perfect: no individual is perfect. The whole purpose behind emotional needs and the four rules (honesty, time, protection and care) are to provide venues to address the imperfections and strengthen the marriage while improving one's self.<P>As far as HbH's husband changing himself: he cannot while totally or partially in the fog. Once he is out of the fog and totally committed to saving his marriage with MB's principles, he will come to realize that changing one's self for the better is a great thing. Not only because it makes his spouse happy, but because it ultimately makes him happy and fulfilled.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

HbH<P>RE: My H hinted the other day that he had really started to dislike me and he was embarrassed to go out with me sometimes because of the things I would say to people (this was before A).<P>Oh be very careful with this one. There was a time when he probably thought the way you are was cute. So why the change? He’s not happy with the marriage? He’s trying to control you? This is a way to shut you up, to stifle your voice. I know. My XH did this. It got to the point that anytime we were around people; after they left he’s start telling me that I’d embarrassed him. He’d bring up each “embarrassing” thing I said and rubbed my face in it. It was simple he wanted me to shut up. His tactics worked. His attacks were so painful that I stopped talking when we were around other people. I have seen this tactic used by both men and women to control their spouse. Do not buy into it.<P>HbH<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Just got back in after my trip this weekend (camping and amusement park with the kids).<P>I think I was unclear in what I meant. Let me try to re-phrase. I AM a bad conversationalist. I always have been, I just say stupid or embarassing things because I try to join in, but it doesn't come out right.<P>I don't articulate what I mean very well, I can write well and when I send emails they are great, but when I need to come up with things on the fly, I just will do stupid stuff. Like someone said once "Oh, I'll watch your kids for you." and I said "No thanks, I don't let single guys watch my girls." Isn't that horrible? It's true, but I could have worded it better. Stuff like that.<P>I have always been this way. It's not really something my H liked before, but prior to the A, it had really started to bug him and was one of the things that made him start to dislike me. He confided this to me. I asked him to make a list of the things that bugged or "irked" him that I had been doing, he hasn't made the list for me yet, but this is one that would be on top. <P>I am the one that says I say stupid things - not him. He was very nice when he tried to tell me about this as to not hurt my feelings.<P>SO, since I am trying to work on myself right now and fix the things that may have caused my H to start disliking me prior to the A, I'm writing this...<P>SO, how's DOES one go about being more outgoing and a better conversationslist?? (Thanks STL for some of the suggestions, I will try them, but honestly I'm not really IN the position very often to use them - that's part of the problem, I want to get myself INTO this position more often, part of being more outgoing I guess).<P>Oh, and BTW, I tried reading HN/HN, but the roles just seem so reversed. I tried applying the stuff for women on my H, but it's not quite the same. I wish the Harley's would write a book His Other Needs, Her Other needs, that change things around. I just found it so stereotypical and not in-line with the needs I have to work on... It would be good for my H to read.

Hi,<P>To start with I want to tell you I tried to reply to your email and it was returned to me, did you close your hotmail account or get a new one? Sorry I didn't see it right away, I haven't been home much, and I don't check that as often to start with.<P>As for your trouble with being conversational, this is something I wasn't naturally great at either. I have gotten beter at it over the years by observing people and trying to pick out the better things about them that I like and trying them on so to speak, kind of emulating. Another thing that really helpsis liking to read. If you read alot about things that your H is interested in, or that friends of his do you will find it easier to throw in interesting to them conversation. Also, take the time to pause and think for a while, while you are talking look at the other person and watch their body language, their reactions, how you think they are feeling, try to see what type of person they are and respond to them with these things in mind, giving good thought to what you are saying first, it helps, and gets more natural with time.<P>I seriously do agree though with alot of the other responses. Recovery that you are heading into is not the same as Plan A. Plan A is a one way street in which you basically become a doormat in order to try to end the affair. Recovery on the other hand is a two way street. He does need to avoid disrespectful judgements as much as you do. If this is something you would like to change for yourself, then great, but if you are happy, then this is a big LB on his part.<P>

Thanks Scared. I don't know what happened, hotmail just shutdown my account - no reason, it just says "account closed". I've been trying to figure it out but so far...<P>Those were some very good suggestions I will try them out. This is something I have wanted to fix about myself for a while, I always knew I wasn't very good at it, but it wasn't until recently that my H revealed that it was something that really started annoying him.<P>I don't know. I see my H telling me this as a good sign. He did not say it mean or cruel, I don't think it was an LB, we were just talking and he let me know so it's something I want to change. Okay, it must have been a small LB (-1) because I was hurt by it, but I think I would rather KNOW and try to change than not know...<P>I mean, you DO have to talk about these things, right? It wasn't like he could have said it any nicer to me...