A Betrayed Spouse on Love<P>I have always been ‘in love’ with my H. My heart has always beaten faster when I knew he was on his way home or I heard his truck pull into the driveway. I am extremely attracted to him…the look of him…the feel of him…the smell of him….<P>One year ago, on my birthday, my H said to me, “I have been trying to love you like I think you want me to.” That should have heralded for me a big warning. Something was wrong between us. <P>Though, in love with my H, I have spent a good deal of our marriage angry with him…angry about something he had done or hadn’t done…angry that he didn’t DO things for me or his family…angry that I HAD to tell him to do everything…angry that I had to DO everything…angry that we weren’t intimate often enough…<P>After a bout of anger, I would be repentant…I’m sure the words “I’m sorry” mean nothing to my H. I have said them far too often. Oh, I meant them. I still mean them. But words said too often have little real meaning. Even if the words are “I love you.” I said them too. Often. Frequently. I caged my H in with I’m sorry and I love you.<P>My H has always said that marriage is forever…that divorce is not the answer…that HE would never have an affair….What pain he must be in right now. How he must hate himself. I can so understand his anger. Not only did I let him down, he let himself down. But because of his words, I became complacent and felt ‘safe’ to act as badly as I did…he would never leave me….I even used this against him when I first found out about his affair.<P>Awhile back in our marriage, I became extremely unhappy with our situation. I contemplated divorce. Each time I brought it up, my H shot me down. “No. You aren’t going anywhere. We work this out until it gets worked out.” I started thinking about what made me unhappy…H hadn’t changed since I married him…what frustrated me most about him were really some of the same things that attracted me to him. I told myself this and made myself ‘believe’ that I had fixed my problem. Wasn’t I a good person…I had found a way to stay with my H…even though I was unhappy.<P>I made sure others knew what a wonderful person I was…how I ‘accommodated’ the shortcomings of my H. Oh, he was a wonderful guy, a great dad…but in the husband department…..The ‘Saint” and the “Scoundrel.”<P>Even when I first found out about the A, I found myself taking on the sainthood role…”I love him.” “We have children.” “There are so many years invested.” Oh, I thought I had taken responsibility for my part in the marriage…that’s why I could be so ‘big’ and stay married, if he would….<P>Then came <I>MarriageBuilders, Surviving and Affair, LoveBusters, His Needs/Her Needs, Secrets of the Vine, and now, The Way of Agape</I>….Fix yourself…change yourself…look inside yourself. What is love? How can you love someone else if you don’t love yourself? Even the marriage counselor told me I focused too much on him…what about you? Where are you? Who are you?<P>That other person cannot complete you. That is why affairs end. That is why marriages end. Commitment and vows before God are not enough. You must love and know yourself. You must know and love God. Then you are ready and able to meet the emotional needs of someone else and have a sustaining relationship/marriage. If you don’t work on yourself, you are doomed to repeat the pattern with your spouse or with the next person…<P>My love before his A had conditions…my love now is learning…yes, learning, what loving unconditionally really means. Loving as God would love. Loving him NOT as I think he wants me to love him, but loving him the way he wants to be loved…for WHO his is… NOT who I want him to be. Agape.<BR>

Cali,<P>What a beautiful post. You have come a long way.<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Cali:<P>Beautifully said. Thanks.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Cali,<P>You always write the things that I think, but never seem to translate into words or on paper! A beautiful writing!! Thank you for sharing!!<P>What is it that you teach? Where do you teach? Your students are very lucky to have you as a teacher. I seen on one post that you live in Moreno Valley, I lived in Sunnymead as a child for 2 years, and went to Sunnymead Elementary. Things have changed greatly there since 1971.<P>You truly do inspire me, I wish that my husband would be willing to work with me as your H is with you.<P>Keep working at it, God's blessings!! Dawn

Cali.....thank you for sharing your heartfelt feelings as a betrayed spouse. You raised so many issues that I somehow thought that you were writing about me and my H. I, too, felt resentment and anger over "having to do it all" because my H faltered when it came to responsibility that I thought was more important than what he chose to do in its place. He has grown along with me to realize that our marriage (almost 25 years) is the most important statement that we made to the world and that it is worth all our efforts to continue our lives together. Therefore, I, and many more, join you on the journey toward a brighter future with marriage intact.<P><P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>

Fantastic Cali, a real awakening, not only for you but for us all....<P>Amazing isn't it, but there always is a bright side, a silver lining to that dark cloud.<P>Thank you,

Thanks all! It was an aha moment I had based on SnL's reply to me in another thread...<P>Daybreak...I have been teaching middle school in this area for 15 years...I came just after MoVal incorporated. I have taught Social Studies, English, Yearbook and now I am teaching Computer skills.<P>Cali

Cali,<P>Like many other readers, I felt that you were writing my life story. <P>I was also angry at my H because he traveled so much and was gone so much of the time, he was not there for me and my kids. When he did come home he didn't want me to have any problems. Because he was working hard and earning a good living I could stay home with the kids, do the PTA, Cub Scout, volunteer thing. So when he did come home I was expected to be happy whether I liked it or not. So it became that NOTHING WAS EVER WRONG.<P>Your H said that "we would work on this until we worked it out" Isn't strange that you were the one who changed. Accepted things, made your self believe that things were good? I know, I do the same things. My take on it is my H wants me to "Sit down and Shut up!". <P>You have inspired me to read the books that you mentioned. Every thing you say is true. You must love yourself first.<P>You have a gift for writing, your students are blessed. I have a son in middle school and believe me I know what a hard job you have. <P>Keep the faith, Cali...You will come out of this a stronger person, as we all will.<P>R3

Cali, I can't believe how much you and I are alike, even down to teaching computer skills. (although I am at the elem. level).... I regret how I treated my h, getting angry all the time for stupid little things, but yet, I would get so excited when I knew it was time for him to come home. A few weeks before he left I remember thinking.. he will never leave me, we are about to have a baby----- how much I took for granted!<BR>ashley

Cali,<P>You know I think your are one of our aspiring writers. It will be an honor one day to meet you at a book signing and ask for you autograph. <P>This is meant as a compliment What you wrote was very moving, really touches the heart. Thank you for writing how I feel. You wrote it from the heart to the heart. <P>Loving one's self is important for any relationship to grow. To build a relationship on selfishness is detrimental to all it touches. So much pride, greed and selfishness in this world. Those words in their negative connotations should be considered as vulgar as swear words. Words we tell our children not to say. <P>Can I be your critic for just a moment? Your statement about unconditional love. IMHO, I have learned that we can have unconditional love for God because he is constant, unmoveable and unchaging. Yet all here on earth are not that reliable. There is no guarantee in life. People change. So should our love be unconditional the same as we can be to God? IMHO, no. Not even to our families. <P>We will always love our family members, yes that is true, but when there is a sin or error, to love despite sin or error is not real love. So for me an act of love is to acknowledge the truth and if that requires fixing or making changes, then so be it. For me an act of love is not denial, it is acknowledgement, discplining with love and moving forward. <P>Cali, since I have started reading your posts, you have truly emerged into a fuller and more confident person. I hope one day your H appreciates what a wonderful person he has for a wife. <P>Take Care, <BR>L.<P><BR>

Thank you all for your wonderful compliments...one day I will write that book...especially since I seem to have lost my 'passion' for reading 'romance' novels.... <P>Orchid...Chuck & Nancy Missler's book, <I> The Way of Agape </I> explains that you can have unconditional love that is stern and disciplines. She describes a situation of infidelity where the wife prays to God for how to handle the situation...her answer was to have the husband leave...she did not give up on the husband and continued to pray for him and love him, but she would not accept him back until she knew God had worked in his life and he was ready to come back a 'complete' husband...<P>The point is that we must leave it to God. That is why we as BS's can continue to love our spouses. Just as vengence is the Lord's work, so to is discipline. (See also the book by Bruce Wilkinson, <I>Secrets of the Vine</I>. These two books, along with the MB principals have been instrumental in my reaching this 'clarity.'<P>Also, I read one of Lostva's posts in the noteable threads where she explained how she could forgive 'so easily' what her H had done...she explained that she felt both had broken their wedding vows and was one vow more important than the rest. I actually said this to my H sometime back. <P>In order for BS's to move forward, they must leave their spouse to the loving discipline of God...the book also discusses the spouse unwilling to 'listen' to God, who continues on their 'free will' path...divorce may occur.<P>It is the Misslers' contention, with Scriptural backup, that if we are truly in the loving spirit of God and can love others with God's love, Agape, that we can love unconditionally...<P>Hugs and Prayers,<BR>Cali

Cali,<BR>How beautifully you wrote what you feel. The point I relate to the most is about loving unconditionally. I found a love that was. . so real. . .when my love for him started, it was a love that was derived from how he made me feel. . .but now, I love him because of who I know he is . .even when he's not making me feel good. God loves me, even when I do him wrong. . .He wants me to love like that, right? I can, I will and I do. And I'm proud of it. Your students are lucky. You write beautifully.

Cali,<BR>Things are alot different today than they were a while back - aren't they? I lurk alot in your posts, I just feel scared to jump in sometimes.<P>You are doing so well. I am really proud of you.<BR>hugs, aftershock<P>(p.s. I am just really, really tired tonight)

Hi Cali,<P>You make some valid points there Ms. Cali. Yet the term unconditional love needs to be clarified so that there is no misunderstanding. While God's ability to forgive goes far beyond what most of us are capable of, there are limits to his forgiveness. God did not forgive Adam and Eve for their transgressions. Yet he forgave King David for his. <P>Yes, God makes it rain on the righteous and the unrigtheous but it does not make it ok to deliberately do wrong in God's eyes. So unconditional love according to God's way does have its limits. Taking advantage of God's undeserved kindness as an excuse to practice sin is in itself a sin. <P>Just wanted to add my 2 cents. <P>L.

The posts this am...I_can't_think_of_a_name...Husband2you...trueheart's letter...have me in tears...<P>If only it were so easy...to have WS's read posts, read letters...<P>The exhaustion we all feel...I am so tired of this 'consuming' my life...I just want to live...I just want my 'innocence' back...but it's gone forever in this relationship...<P>I get so angry with him for not seeing what is happening to the kids...then implying that I am saying stuff to them...I lived that game as a child...<P>I am tired of self-serving lies and attitudes...<P>Cali

Cali,<P>I can only stay a moment. Listen hon, it may not be as hard as we think. Either mail it or e-mail it to him. The letter and the other situation is not from you. Being a 3rd party to these situations sometimes gives them food for thought. <P>Cali, often our spouses listen better to others than to us. Isn't that one of the points that Trueheard made in his letter? <P>Cry those tears, it is ok. We should all be crying, this is an awful thing that has happened to ICTOAN and her family. Worse just became worse again. So this is the time we all need to reflect whether we really want things to get worse. ICTOAN is the primary one suffering now, but we should be there to support her and we should be there to learn from all this. <P>L.

Cali:<BR>Thank you so much for the post. I can't tell you what inspiration it was to me today. I had become angry, verbally abuse even, in my marriage. My H left (supposedly) because of this. When I found out about his A, I was devastated, but did not react with divorce papers as I so often thought I would if this ever happened. I have spent the last four months working on my anger, developing a new and close relationship with God and just becoming the person I once was so long ago. I think I surprised my H by reacting in love (after my initial shock/outburst of course!) He moved home 10 days ago after I gave him my Plan B letter. Your post helped to remind me that even though he's not treating me the way I'd like right now, its my job to continue to love him unconditionally (with discipline) until God tells me that I can't continue on anymore. I haven't posted much, but I get a lot out of what I read from you. My prayers are with you and your child/children during this difficult time in your life. <P>God Bless you,<P>Kari

cali, not real advice, but I will tell you something that feels good for me. I know you are a Christian, so am I. And of course that is another stress area. But my primary coping mechanism seeks similar to yours, very analytical, and problem solving oriented. I have been doing this for last 4 months, and I am wore out. I still have to "do" stuff, can't just go shut the door and tell people to come get me when it is all decided, but I can give up "control". For me, I mean I try to control myself (not so much others), I try to make sure I have it all "figured" out, that is my safe place. I have done all I can do, researched, reasoned, took action blah blah blah...you know the drill. And that is ok, we each have our coping mechanisms, but knowing when to stop is the difference between obsession and "normal". In the last few weeks I have started letting go, and now I am there. I have done all I can do to understand my life, know my choices and how to proceed, am comfortable that anyone who needs to know knows where I am coming from....and realized I don't, can't know, the future....whether I will be married, divorce, alone, or dead (from exhaustion) , but whatever it is, it is in God's hands, and I cannot ordain the outcome. <P>We oftentimes give lip service to giving up our angst, and fears, and anger, etc up to God, then we scurry about still in "control" of ourself. You sound like maybe you are there, have done pretty much all you can do, know how to proceed pretty much, but still hang on to the emotional control....maybe if you can truly "give" that up to the One who can handle it, you will find a little more peace, and relief from the day to day angst. <P>I do believe in proactive choices, not just sitting around waiting for an email from God, I think that is what He expects of us........ but giving up the control of ourselves (as revealed by our emotional distress) is where we are supposed to go. And in addition giving Him that load, clears our minds a bit to maybe see the paths He has for us, that are otherwise obscured. It is when we "insist" on certain outcomes in life that I think we get lost...... do you see? I am not saying this real well, but maybe it helps some. Anyways for me that has meant giving up feeling "trapped", giving up feeling I may be losing my "only" chance at being loved and understood, given up being emotionally responsible for my wife, ditto ow, etc. and just focusing on what I can do, what makes sense, day by day. Is not easy to do, cause it is all inside, but I can feel the difference. I am going to stay and do the MB stuff as best I can, because that makes sense, no gaurantees except I will play fair. But I have also accepted that I am not trapped, I can choose to leave, so have no reason to view my wife as the jailer anymore (and going through the anger etc. and not stuffing myself has been important, I am not really angry anymore). I have made my peace with God re scriptural interpretations of marriage. I have given up the relationship with ow (set her free to find her way too), if it is to be it will have to be in some future time and under moral conditions (and I will miss her alot, but I give those feelings up to God). I cannot analyze my way to an outcome I predetermine. I just have to do the right things (psychologically, behaviourally speaking), and I know what they are now, and what will be will be.....it is comforting cali. Us analytical types have our own hard way to go sometimes, cause everything cannot be analyzed, it it could we would be robots......can I ask you a question? Have you taken the kiersey temp tests? I would guess you are a rationalist, and your H an artisan. If you haven't you might find it interesting.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.keirsey.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.keirsey.com/</A> <p>[This message has been edited by sad_n_lonely (edited July 16, 2001).]

[QUOTE]<BR><B>Anyways for me that has meant giving up feeling "trapped", giving up feeling I may be losing my "only" chance at being loved and understood, given up being emotionally responsible for my wife, ditto ow, etc. and just focusing on what I can do, what makes sense, day by day. Is not easy to do, cause it is all inside, but I can feel the difference. I am going to stay and do the MB stuff as best I can, because that makes sense, no gaurantees except I will play fair. But I have also accepted that I am not trapped, I can choose to leave, so have no reason to view my wife as the jailer anymore (and going through the anger etc. and not stuffing myself has been important, I am not really angry anymore). I have made my peace with God re scriptural interpretations of marriage. I have given up the relationship with ow (set her free to find her way too), if it is to be it will have to be in some future time and under moral conditions (and I will miss her alot, but I give those feelings up to God). I cannot analyze my way to an outcome I predetermine. I just have to do the right things (psychologically, behaviourally speaking), and I know what they are now, and what will be will be.....it is comforting cali. Us analytical types have our own hard way to go sometimes, cause everything cannot be analyzed, it it could we would be robots......can I ask you a question? Have you taken the kiersey temp tests? I would guess you are a rationalist, and your H an artisan. If you haven't you might find it interesting.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.keirsey.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.keirsey.com/</A> <P></B><P>I will go there SnL... as to other developments on your homefront...all I can say is WOW! I wish you peace and hope that you and your wife find happiness.<P>Cali<P>

Morning Cali, <P>As I am awake at 3am, and reading your letter about learning, growing pains, and unconditional love, I can only think of the journey that each of us is on. We are all so similar, so alike, yet so very different. We all search for the same things...that unconditional, total, and complete love for our SO. All of us have experienced the loss of the innocence, the blind trust, and the complete faith that we thought was there in the beginning. There is nothing in the world more disappointing than losing faith and trust in the ONE person we always thought it would be there for. The shock, anger, pain, and total confusion on a daily basis can be overwhelming. I have watched your (and many others) emotional rollercoaster, and all I can do is marvel at the strength of some of the BS here. I wish there were more WS here, but as you said the self serving attitudes allow the fog to thicken in some cases, or burn off way to slowly. How could a M/W walk away from such love? How could a WS deny that which is given to them freely, even after all they have done (in some cases more than once, and seemingly non stop, even after discovery)? I can't do much here, but I can offer my shoulder, my thoughts, an ear, and my friendship. From a WS that understands your turmoil, you get a great big HUGGGGGGG from the bottom of my heart!! You hang in there.....(and find the nicest house you two can afford...LOL).<P>Trueheart