Once more I turn to my friends here for advice.<P>A week from today I am taking my daughters to Ohio for our annual family reunion. We have done this for years, staying in one of the Buckeye state's beautiful state parks. My mother's extended family and cousins rent about ten cabins and we have a great time the whole week swimming, boating and enjoying each other's company. This side of the family has been doing this for over sixty years.<P>In the seventeen years we have been married, my wife had grown tired of this trip each year. I guess I could even say she had become somewhat resentful. I had trouble understanding this because we both get four weeks vacation each year, and after all this is only one week. This last six years or so, she has really only made the trip twice. I have never told her she had to go or that I would be upset if she didn't.<P>We have been separated for about four months now. I have been in Plan A for almost nine months. It might be wishful thinking on my part (aren't we all guilty of that from time to time?), but I believe things are getting better between us lately. Although my wife still sees the OP (her boss and a woman), I think it has fizzled somewhat. I don't see that familiar car in her driveway anymore and I know she spends a lot more time home at night. She calls often.<P>We were talking today about the preparations I have to make for next week's trip. It has been understood for months now that my wife would come and stay at my house during this time to care for the dog and cat. She surprised me today by informing me that she was also taking that week off! She also stated that she has no definite plans.<P>Now I know this might be expecting way too much and I will prepare myself for it. But I am actually thinking of asking my wife if she would like to go with us. This would be a giant step. I'm not sure if it could be construed as a LB or if I might be meeting a need in showing that she is still wanted. What I expect is to get an immediate "no". But if I don't try, I'll wonder the whole time I'm there on whether or not I should have done it.<P>Advice?<p>[This message has been edited by Always Hopeful (edited July 14, 2001).]

AH:<P>There is nothing wrong with you asking her ... definitely not a LB (I do hope you have alternative provisions for pet care).<P>One thing, though. While you mention the one-week vacation that the family has taken for years, you don't mention if there was a yearly trip to fulfill your wife's vacation needs.<P>One of the problems I had in my previous marriage was my exW's insistence on two week every year at the beach (14 years of that). I like the beach, but that consumed 40% of my vacation time, and over time grew to resent going to the beach for two weeks every year. In looking back (now that I understand emotional needs), I realize that my emotional need (as far as family vacations go) was not being met. I like exploring, finding and trying new things. I think the resentment would never have festered had we had two family vacations a year. One for her beach fix, and one to fill my need to explore.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Always Hopeful:<BR><B><BR>We were talking today about the preparations I have to make for next week's trip. It has been understood for months now that my wife would come and stay at my house during this time to care for the dog and cat. She surprised me today by informing me that she was also taking that week off! She also stated that she has no definite plans.<P>Now I know this might be expecting way too much and I will prepare myself for it. But I am actually thinking of asking my wife if she would like to go with us. This would be a giant step. I'm not sure if it could be construed as a LB or if I might be meeting a need in showing that she is still wanted. What I expect is to get an immediate "no". But if I don't try, I'll wonder the whole time I'm there on whether or not I should have done it.<P>Advice?<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Always Hopeful......by all means ask her if she'd like to join you and the rest of the family on the trip. Give her the opportunity to make the decision as to whether she is "up" to going or not. If she decides not to go, the worse case scenario will be the disappointment that you and the girls will feel. But.....if she should decide to go for it.....what a great opportunity to Plan A her to distraction........LOL!<P><P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>

Ask... and you shall receive...<P>...don't be surprised... it might not be what you expect...<BR>...in any case... your asking is showing strength!<P> <P>Jim

Absolutely!! ASK!<P>Here's the important part:<P>IF she declines, be cool. Just say, "OK, maybe next year."<P>NOTHING MORE!<P>Sometimes saying less is really saying more. Understand?<P>WAT

Thanks to all for your replies. I will definitely ask her, although I am not expecting much.<P>We just went through our usual Sunday morning scene where we exchange the kids. My wife offered to take the girls to the movies today, but they couldn't agree on which one and a fight occured between them. The oldest wanted to see a more "grown up" movie. I offered to keep the oldest while my wife took the younger one, but she refused. The attitude had transfered to her. She insisted on spending time with both girls. I backed off, not wanting to deal with three women in bad moods. I sensed I would have become a target if I tried to get involved further.<P>Maybe later on today I'll ask her about coming with us next week...<p>[This message has been edited by Always Hopeful (edited July 15, 2001).]

AH:<P>Two thumbs up (and neither belongs to a dead guy).<P>You are a very wise man ... never, ever, ever, ever, ever intervene in the squabbles of multiple females. The minute you do, you might as well just paint a bulls-eye target on your chest.<P>But, yes indeed, ask. And as WAT says, be low-key about it all.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Sorry about moving this one back to the top...<P>I did finally ask my wife if she would like to go with us next week on vacation. Jim was right, although she declined, it wasn't the response I was expecting. A few months ago I would have gotten a sarcastic response like "Why the Hell would I want to go?" or just a "Yeah, right!".<P>But this morning she even took a few moments before responding then answered with "I've got to take care of the animals for you." I briefly countered with the fact that they could be put up at our kennel, but she again countered that she wanted to redo our daughters rooms and had made plans for some other small things. I didn't want to press too hard so I didn't push it any further. I did leave the door open and told her that I would really love it if she would go. I did not encounter any sarcasm.<P>Hopefully I planted a seed. Maybe she will change her mind in the next few days...

AH...<P>Well done!! I too, am glad you asked her!! Discretion is the better part of valor, my friend!! You have made wise decisions all the way around and handled things very well. Enjoyu the reunion with your daughters. Take a mental vacation from it all and focus on the positives for now!!<P>Trueheart

AH,<P>You may have done better than you think. I suspect that you asking and then accepting her no, will work on her while you are gone. She won't have the girls, you, just the house and OW to think about. But if she does work on the girls room while you are gone, I suspect other things will start to come back to her.<P>It may be just as well that she doesn't go, but you did well by asking her and telling her she is still wanted.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<P>PS: By the way, are you really sure you wanted to be on vacation with THREE women?

AH - I've been waiting for the outcome. Good job.<P>I see a "First Alert Estrogen Monitor" in your future.<P>WAT

TH-<P>Thanks. I must admit that this will make me enjoy the vacation more. I would have always doubted myself if I hadn't asked.<P>JL-<P>I had the same thoughts. It seemed like a win-win situation to me. I not only expect her to be thinking about things while we are gone, but also to be second guessing herself right up until we leave on Saturday.<BR>As far as going on vacation with three women, its no problem. You just have to learn when to shut up and stay out of things... <P>Dave-<P>What is a "first alert estrogen monitor" and can I buy one at Sears? <p>[This message has been edited by Always Hopeful (edited July 17, 2001).]

Back to the top with this one again.<P>I am leaving early tomorrow morning with my two daughters for vacation. I asked my wife to come but she declined. Now fate has thrown her a curve because her ear problem has suddenly flared up again and she will need outpatient surgery next Tuesday. I'm starting to feel guilty about going away. I mean, she will be fine because her mother will take care of her and the recovery process is only a day or so. But I still feel guilty and I let her know that. In a way I can tell how much things have changed in the last month or so. When she had her first surgery in March, a much more complicated procedure, she didn't want me to go with her. Her mom and the OP was all she needed.<BR>This time, not only was I scheduled to be away, but her parents were, too. She didn't know how she was going to get back from the hospital that day. I was dying to ask her why the OP wouldn't help, but thought better of it. But then her mom told her she would leave a day later just so she could take her.<P>I'm still feeling guilty about it though... <P>