Since my husband's affair, I feel so undesirable. Even though we are meeting his need for sex like never before, I still feel that I must be unattractive, clumsy, unexciting. He claims his affair was all about sex and didn't involve emotional attachment. Now I think I'll lose him to every pretty and/or sexy woman who walks by. I'm not homely, but there are always many better-looking women out there. He's a pilot, so spends his days surrounded by flight attendants, many of them single, attractive women without stretch marks! How can I get over this?

Plan A for YOU. You have to find things that make you feel good about yourself. Could it be a manicure? A new hair style or colour? A good one that works for me (as silly as it may sound), is to shave my legs all the way up! (none of the usual from the knee down only stuff...grin).<P>Do you have any outfits that make you feel sexy? Buy more in the same style, and wear them more. Have you read a good book lately? Make a list of your accomplishments each day, no matter how small they may seem (did you get all the laundry, dishes, cleaning, whatever done?... put what you did do on the list!). At the end of your day, read all of your accomplishments, and take pride in YOU. <P>Let us know how you're doing. <P>Karen<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Topie25:<BR><B>A good one that works for me (as silly as it may sound), is to shave my legs all the way up! (none of the usual from the knee down only stuff...grin).<BR>Karen</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>I hear you, Karen! Is that UP include "you know what???"<P>SadButHopeful....stretch marks are your trophy for the growing into the woman that you are and you should be proud of that alone. It sounds as though your self-esteem is lacking which, more than likely, is due to his choice of partners. Perhaps your H needs to know that this need is lacking in your relationship with him. His knowledge of the same will allow him to work on that......to your benefit. The healing time after the affair takes months and/or years to happen. Don't give up on yourself. You've suffered through the worse and now is the time to take what is yours and yours alone.......you GO girl <BR><P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>

GeezLouise.... GEEZ!!! LOL!!!<P>I don't have the patience to do it all on a regular basis. I tried it before, but knowing I can't easily stick with it, I won't do it again. Why? Can you say MAJOR ITCHY!!! LOL!!!<P>Speaking of itchy.. gotta hate those stretch marks! As I'm sure most of us know, there's no way to get rid of them entirely (unless you care to pay for some MAJOR plastic surgery)... but applying cocoa butter cream regularly can help take away the redness. (here in Canada, "The Body Shop" used to sell a cocoa butter stick... looked like a deodorant stick actually..grin. I bought one - many years ago, pre kids actually - and it worked.). The purer the cream, the better.<P>Karen<BR>

SBH:<P>True beauty lies within. Now is your time to shine.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Hi Sadbuthopeful:<P>You know whenever I read a post about how the A has crushed BS's self esteeem (and it is an self-image killer) I try to remember how I felt about this and how I have been able to get past it...not really past it but making it tolerable.<P>You just have to reverse your thinking in this matter and understand that there is no one who is immune to the problem of "someone better out there". Look at Cindy Crawford and Richard Gere...now what too better looking people could exist in the world...yet it wasn't enough for either of them (at least it wasn't enough for Richard)...and the problem wasn't even attractiveness...it was a matter of not meeting other needs...and so it can be for you too...find out what your WH's needs are and fill them...all of them...not just sex...because I guarantee that sex is just the tip of the iceberg...and what he regards as a need for sex is really more a need for something else...probably admiration. <P>Also, talk to your WH about this...find out what he really thinks about other women....you might be surprised at his answer. Tell him how it makes you feel...how vunerable you feel and let him know if there is something he can do to make you feel more reassured of your attractiveness to him (above other women)...after all he is the one you need to hear from. <P>Lastly, remember that in one swoop, your WH wiped away all the vows, societal restrains, loyality ideals and personal moral images that that you thought protected you and your marriage and seriously eroded your belief in your self and in him...and it will take some time to get that trust back...and there is no other way to rebuilt that trust then for you to open your self to him and risk possibly being hurt again...but as time goes on and you rebuilt the trust then I think you will begin to feel better about yourself again. Remember your self-esteem is in your head...not his.<P>Faye<P>

Dear SBH,<P>Well, that's a tough one. Trying to not feel like there was something unattractive about yourself when the one you loved and trusted goes to someone else...those feelings are going to take time and work to overcome.<P>First, please take the time to heal inside and expect to have many different emotions going on. You'll be angry, depressed, anxious, curious, sad, basically on an emotional roller coaster. Those feelings are all normal. You can certainly do things to make the outside better like getting a facial, new hairstyle, doing your nails and feet, getting a couple of new outfits, but those things will not fix what's going on inside.<P>I would suggest seeing a therapist to talk, vent, get insight and suggestions on how to deal with your situation specifically. Once you do that and start to feel that you can look at your H without getting emotionally affected, you can start to work on the outside. Of course the ideal thing would be to do both simultaneously. But I am not sure how motivated you are though, to go work out or getting a makeover etc. Although these things would help, don't set yourself up for disappointment.<P>I am not sure if you know this but stewardesses have to be "made-up" all the time. It's a part of their requirements. Their hair, make-up, nails and clothing have to meet a certain criteria, so they look really good ALL the time they are in the public eye. We, who live with people that see us round the clock cannot realistically fit this criteria. When we wake up UGH, can we look a mess or what? How bout them days when you really don't feel like doing all the make-up? Ya know them ponytail and baseball cap days? Most don't get all dolled up to do the groceries, or clean house...you know where I'm coming from.<P>We do have, however, control over the times when we "can" make ourselves look our best. Many wives tend to let themselves go (not that you are) and do sweatpants, leggings, you know the best clothes, ALL the time. Take a look at the things you can do to be the best you can be and work towards keeping that goal.<P>Last but not least, get creative when you are making love to him. Think about what you might be able to do that will turn him on the most. Sex is not everything, but I tell you what, if a man is satisfied sexually (I mean in every way), it's harder to cheat. I can make a couple of suggestions that drive my husband wild...They may or may not work for you but hey, it may get you thinking... <P>1)I sometimes wake him up in the middle of the night with my mouth...(Yeah that) When he comes to, I have the lights out and the room has candles and I am wearing something sexy. I continue on top...use your imagination.<P>2) I have gone out to dinner with him after work. Underneath my suit or work clothes, (or if you don't work, something very conservative) is something sexy. (crotchless panties under a knee length skirt for example) Sit next to each other and let him feel what you have underneath. Continue to have dinner as if it were nothing. Seduce him on the way home in the driver's seat...I'm sure you can think of something.<P>3) Blindfold him and keep him guessing what you will do next...kiss him from head to toe...get creative.<P>If you are cool with these, hey, it's worth a try. You may shock him and yourself...but I guarantee you'll have fun in the process! Good Luck and if you'd like more suggestions, feel free to let me know and we can email each other. I won't get into everything on these postings for obvious reasons Take good care...~FLgal~

Thanks, gals (and STL). Those are thoughtful, creative ideas, and I'm going to try some of them. FLgal, I certainly could try to be "on" more often, especially since he is only home 1/2 the week (or less). He would probably love your suggestions for "surprises." (One of his comments about the A was that the sex was great, but emotionally void, blah, blah, blah...)<P>One of the problems with trying to boost my own appearance is that ultimately it seems hopeless. Not that I couldn't do more about myself: exercise and tone up, get regular manicures, tan a bit and get a tummy tuck; but I'll never become so beautiful that men fall at my feet in the street and I'm crowned Queen of Southern Womenhood!! The idea that his OW and I will be competing in some stupid beauty contest with H as first prize is ludicrous and humiliating.<P>Besides, he's already home and has broken off contact, so I what am I fighting for? To make sure he has no regrets about losing her? To make sure he doesn't stray again? Or to convince myself that I don't have to ever worry again? I think I'm regarding physical beauty as a talisman against future loss, but that's ridiculous. Buffy, you hit the nail on the head when you said that nobody is so good-looking that they couldn't be vulnerable to "someone else out there." I go to a lovely, huge and wealthy church peopled with "beautiful people," and I am aware of a couple of gorgeous women who have had this happen to them. (The difference is that I am NOT gorgeous, so I don't have that to fall back on!) <P>In this sense, STL and buffy are right: it really isn't about how I look. That won't keep him. On the other hand, if I don't watch it, I guess it could lose him. Oh,dear! Just when I seemed on the edge of a breakthrough!<P>Confusedly,<BR>SBH

Hi SBH,<P> Hi there, I think all of us betrayed's feel the way you do. My H is a physcician surrounded by young attractive nurses .....blah!<P> Anyway, I have really increased my self esteem lately by thinking about improvements for ME , not to "keep him". I'm losing the few pounds I don't want, exercising , taking some classes....in other words I am consciously doing the things that make me feel competent and attractive. I can never compete with the 20yr olds and don't want to but I CAN and you can too think of what makes YOU feel good. For me I had to make a list of my postitives and write what I wanted to accomplish. It's working for me! LU

Hey SBH:<P>Got some good news for you...if you have been at MB long enough you come to realize that very few OW or OM are gorgeous beauties or hunks...in fact a lot of them are down right ugly (my WH's OW for instance). The Reason??? Because infidelity has little to do with how the WS sees the OP but with how the OP makes WS feel about themselves. <BR>And if they can do it so can you...don't you think.<P>It usually just takes a little more attention to the WS (and that inattention is usually what got us here to begin with), working on discovering ENs and working to make ourselves the best we can be. If that is not enough then the problem is with him and there is little you can do about it anyway. Manipulation...maybe...but you know what...WH's OW did it and he acknowledged that he knew she was doing it and he loved it. <P>Maybe you (or FLGal) have the nerve to do some of the things OW did for WH (like walking around the house naked all the time) but us old married folk have a lot of room for improvement in this area...and to tell you the truth...this just isn't my style...but I can think of many ways of subtly showing WH that I find him attractive...just have kinda gotten out of the habit. All married people do to some extent and it takes a conscious effort to overcome our apathy in this area. Give it a try...even some of FLGal's suggestions if you feel like it...or try your own style. Ask for suggestions from the men...they's always got plenty of ideas.<P>Faye

Yes, I think you are probably right, Faye. H has told me that OW was "too skinny," and "like a stick." It's hard to believe there is such a thing as "too skinny," but maybe it's true. I'm not really overweight, just more cushioned. At any rate, the thing with her was that she "loved sex." I definately didn't qualify for that, and I realize that since sex was the hook she used to get him, she might or might not be exaggerating about that. If they'd gotten together permanently, she might have felt free to stop loving it so much.<P>At any rate, now that he is talking to me, telling me how much he loves me and how sorry he is for all the pain he's caused, it's easy to love him and meet his physical needs. In fact, I don't think we've ever been so close. It's just not easy to keep my self-doubt at bay.<P>I'll be gone for about a week--we're moving. Concurrent with the A, but job-related, not A-related. Thank you all for all your help! I'll be back as soon as I can!<P>SBH -- getting less S and more H!

SBH<P>Boy can I relate to your feelings! My H also works away from home all week and I know how it can fray your nerves. And yes, you can be "too skinny" because that's my H's beef with me.<P>I guess for me I have a lot of resentment towards H because basically I've always felt like a complete human being rather than an inadequate female and I don't appreciate him bringing this to my constant attention in recent months! I have a lot of financial dependency upon H (because of kids) but even that won't stop me from leaving him if he continues to make me feel that I don't quite measure up, because I'm more than a bunch of cells configured in a certain way. Having said that, both of us are working on a way to get over this because, deep down, I think he does realise my innate worth to him or at the very least he has some interest in preserving the marriage.<P>Probably didn't help you much - just wanted you to know that there are others out there who share the same kind of pain and insecurities and it isn't "just you".