Since I am fairly new here I was hopeing that some of you might be able to share your experiences. There are days when I do really well and I feel in control and am actually happy with myself and then there are days when I am so depressed and emotional that I feel as though I can't do this any longer. I'm sick of being on this rollercoaster, I just want to have some normalcy back in my life. H comes by everyday or we talk on the phone, which I am starting to think may not be good for me as I am not able to move forward. I think I need to start preparing myself for the possibility of him never coming home. It's been 41/2mos. and H continues to tell me and the kids he's not ready to come home. I'm sick and tired of playing this game, I've been plan A'ing and it's really hard sometimes I think I should just go directly to Plan B. Any advice?

If you're sick of plan Aing, all you may need is a bit of a break, or just to tone it down some. No one ever said doing a great plan A was easy... it's damn hard!!! Plan B only comes in when you are just about out of love feelings towards your spouse. You do that to preserve the love. If you're not there yet, then keep on with your plan A. But even if you are able to re-energize yourself each time, if your H is still sitting on the fence, you must make the conscious effort to go to plan B. (The Harley's suggest a 6 month plan A.. but each person can only take so much. Sometimes it's less time, sometimes more).<P>As far as the rollercoaster ride goes, it never really stops. It's all a part of life.. you know that. As far as getting out of the loop de loops you're in now, all I can say is that eventually the time between each loop gets further and further away.<P>Think of what you're going through as mourning. You are grieving over the loss of something you once had. But with plan A and B, you have your best chance at getting it back (something not possible when there's a physical death).<P>Good luck to you! And keep on posting here for support.<P>Karen<P>

C,<P>If anyone knew when the roller coaster ride would end they would be a wise person. Or work for Disney. <P>Most everyone who posts here that not fully recovered feel that the *roller coaster* is a terrible thing. It's hard not being in control of yourself. <P>Just know that you are among others that are feeling the same way you do. One day up, one day down. Just keep the faith, keep posting and venting, and reading, it really does<BR>help.<P>R3

Dear C,<P>It doesn't stop until the A is over and recovery is well on it's way.... even then it may not stop completely. Rebuilding trust, loyalty, love and care takes time. <P>But for you, you can control which part of the ride you will allow yourself to ride. Stepping off is hard, you may lose your balance a bit but the long run you will regain a more sure footing. To stay on the rollercoaster will prolong that sick nauseating feelings that will eventually have determinental effects on you and your family. <P>Please make sure you understand the benefits of plan A vs plan B. Identify your goals. Talk to Steve or Jennifer if possible. Plan a and b are described in further detail in Surviving an Affair and His needs/Her needs books. The correct understanding and implementation is important to proper application. It also helps the BS keep a clear mind and a calm heart despite what may be thrown your way. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>